A Sad Day for the NBA
By: Emilio Escobar
It was a sad day yesterday for many women who were
very fond of professional basketball. While many chase the dream
of playing the great sports through sexual antics with the players
themselves, many were hoping that nothing would stand in their way.
Why can't these women follow through with one small dream of theirs?
What is stopping them from carrying out their fantasies of sleeping
with one certain NBA player who is taking the league by storm? And
who is this mysterious NBA player? The answer to all of these questions
can be found in this one small press statement that was released
early on Thursday morning:
Yao Ming has SARS.
The announcement has devastated the Asian community
as well as the world population of NBA fans. While Yao can still
play basketball at a very high level, it has greatly diminished
his chances of sleeping with various women who are fond of basketball
players and their large genitalia. One such woman is Christina Aguilera.
"Sure, I'm disappointed that I won't be able
to check out Yao and his 'other' skills." Christina stated
on Thursday. "But the thing we all have to remember is that
this is a very serious disease and we shouldn't remember that this
is another publicity stunt to get my face out there on the news
and to show off my new image."
Christina Aguilera with Shaquille
O'Neal and Yao Ming recently after the filming of "Bukkake
and the NBA: Together We're Better"
"Because it's not about my image. It's about Yao
Ming. It's about the Asian community and what those damn Canadians have
done to them. Where will it end?"
"Besides, I'll always have Shaq, and he always plays
Mariah Carey has also been brought down by the gargantuan
Asian's recent news of despair. However, to the astonishment of others,
Carey revealed that she would be doing something very brave in an effort
to calm down the hoopla surrounding the deadly disease.
"When I first heard about the news, I began to write
a song." Carey said, holding back tears with every word. "But
I realized that I can't just write songs forever. What can poor Yao do
with a song that I wrote? Absolutely nothing, that is why I have decided
to forgo my disease-free eligibility and apply for a chance to sleep with
Yao Ming. I will attend the pre-draft camps where I will be evaluated
by scouts and, hopefully, Yao will draft me #1 overall for immediate copulation!"
Scouts have been saying for years that Mariah Carey has
the potential to give fantastic fellatio.
"What we noticed 2 years ago with Mariah was that
she has outstanding control with her tongue and she has tremendous upside
because of her vocal cords. We feel that she will be drafted 1st overall
by Yao to, indeed, have sex with him. If she doesn't go first, I would
be very surprised."
Others are skeptical that she will only be drafted
1st overall by Yao because of the deadly disease he carries and
that it is scaring off potential suitors. This, according to Carey,
"First of all, I find Yao to be a wonderful
human being and his height gives him a tremendous advantage in the
bedroom brawl. Secondly, he has put the Asian myth to rest in the
NBA so I am certain that he will put the 'other' Asian myth to rest
as well! "
The 'other' myth Carey is speaking of is that the
Asian commonly has smaller genitalia than that of the rest of the
races in the world.
"There are still many women who are trying
to get into workouts in an attempt to sleep with Yao." Carey
added. "I saw an opportunity and I lunged for it. I can safely
say that I will be a better person for it. I have paid my dues and
I will not be denied my true calling in life; to be Yao Ming's #1
overall love servant!"
Mariah Carey was drafted in the
2nd round last year in Michael Jordan's groupie draft and will not
be denied this year. "I have set a goal for myself and I will
work hard to attain it."
Emilio Escobar is a contributing editor
He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org