Christmas Wishes!

By: The NBA

"Looks like one player got a torn ACL in his stocking!"

"Karl Malone wishes you a merry Christmas. Stay the fuck away from Utah and my 18 wheeler white man"
-Karl Malone

"I remember my best Christmas back in 1979. Marla and I had just had a wonderful time at the Grateful Dead concert and I was discussing the goings on in our world. We had been talking about Jimmy Carter when she pulled out a carrot and said "stick this in my pooper, Big Red". That was how Luke was conceived, a great Christmas present for me indefinitely. I had the best sex of my life with Marla, and I'm proud to admit that. The fans adopted me."
-Bill Walton

"Christmas? We're talking about Christmas. I mean, come on. It's just Christmas. Who really celebrates Christmas? We're just talking about Christmas."
-Allen Iverson

"I have this Christmas. Death to America."
-Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf

"Another one? Shit."
-Shawn Kemp

"Santa's not walking through that door unless you're good, kids."
-Rick Pitino

"Sure, NBA players get a lot of presents, but we give a lot of them too. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to turn back into a giant gorilla again and resume my disappointing career."
-Patrick Ewing

"I have a present for you in my pants. And by present, I mean my penis."
-Michael Jordan

"You is all have a Christmas of merriment. You all is special and I'll pray for y'all."
-Tim Hardaway

-Peja Stojakovic

"My knee and I wish you all a merry Christmas. And if you write anything negative about me I will ask for a trade again."
-Anfernee Hardaway

"Kids, if you want Santa to give you lots and lots of presents, just be honest with your parents. Lying is for bad kids who don't get anything. Also, if you really want to kill someone, just slit their throat instead of trying to choke them.
-Latrell Sprewell

"Es sei denn Sie blondes Haar und blaue Augen haben, können Sie nicht mich nach unten halten. Ich bin in jeder Weise überlegen und ich mache Sie zu einen Lampenfarbton, wenn Sie versuchen, mich zu schützen. Frohe Weihnachten!"
-Dirk Nowitzki

"Patience is a virtue, kids. Merry Christmas!"
-Grant Hill

"My teammates suck at Christmas. I hate them. Kids, sign me a decent point guard. Apparently the Lakers can't do it, help me out."
-Shaquille O'Neal

"Just remember, there are starving children in third-world countries. Don't waste anything, waste is a terrible thing."
-Derrick Coleman

"Don't let anyone else fucking take your food. Don't share shit, just take what you want and fuck everyone else."
-Jerry Stackhouse

"Think of Christmas as though it were energy. You must take the positive energy and channel it, all while filtering out the negative energy. Out with the negative, in with the positive. Also, nothing persuades an NBA referee into more bad calls for the opposition than my tongue ring."
-Phil Jackson

"All I want for Christmas is a kidney that functions properly. Why are you laughing? IT'S NOT FUNNY"
-Alonzo Mourning

"Christmas? Yeah, whatever. Do you want to see me do my shimmy shake again?"
-Antoine Walker

"Please rescue me from the Chinese government. They have kidnapped my family and the government has a taser gun attached to my testicles. Please leave $5 million dollars at the phone booth.
-Yao Ming

"This Christmas holiday was sponsored by the letter B"
-Dikembe Mutombo

"*Click click click click click*"
-Manute Bol

"I hope everyone has a great holiday and I wish the best"
-Ray Allen