By: The NBA
"Looks like one player got a torn ACL in his stocking!"
"I remember my best Christmas back in 1979. Marla and I had just
had a wonderful time at the Grateful Dead concert and I was discussing
the goings on in our world. We had been talking about Jimmy Carter when
she pulled out a carrot and said "stick this in my pooper, Big Red".
That was how Luke was conceived, a great Christmas present for me indefinitely.
I had the best sex of my life with Marla, and I'm proud to admit that.
The fans adopted me."
"Christmas? We're talking about Christmas. I mean, come on. It's
just Christmas. Who really celebrates Christmas? We're just talking about
"I have this Christmas. Death to America."
"Another one? Shit."
"Santa's not walking through that door unless you're good, kids."
"Sure, NBA players get a lot of presents, but we give a lot of them
too. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to turn back into a giant gorilla
again and resume my disappointing career."
"I have a present for you in my pants. And by present, I mean my
"You is all have a Christmas of merriment. You all is special and
I'll pray for y'all."
"My knee and I wish you all a merry Christmas. And if you write
anything negative about me I will ask for a trade again."
"Kids, if you want Santa to give you lots and lots of presents,
just be honest with your parents. Lying is for bad kids who don't get
anything. Also, if you really want to kill someone, just slit their throat
instead of trying to choke them.
"Es sei denn Sie blondes Haar und blaue Augen haben, können
Sie nicht mich nach unten halten. Ich bin in jeder Weise überlegen
und ich mache Sie zu einen Lampenfarbton, wenn Sie versuchen, mich zu
schützen. Frohe Weihnachten!"
"Patience is a virtue, kids. Merry Christmas!"
"My teammates suck at Christmas. I hate them. Kids, sign me a decent
point guard. Apparently the Lakers can't do it, help me out."
"Just remember, there are starving children in third-world countries.
Don't waste anything, waste is a terrible thing."
"Don't let anyone else fucking take your food. Don't share shit,
just take what you want and fuck everyone else."
"Think of Christmas as though it were energy. You must take the
positive energy and channel it, all while filtering out the negative energy.
Out with the negative, in with the positive. Also, nothing persuades an
NBA referee into more bad calls for the opposition than my tongue ring."
"All I want for Christmas is a kidney that functions properly. Why
are you laughing? IT'S NOT FUNNY"
"Christmas? Yeah, whatever. Do you want to see me do my shimmy shake
"Please rescue me from the Chinese government.
They have kidnapped my family and the government has a taser gun attached
to my testicles. Please leave $5 million dollars at the phone booth.
"This Christmas holiday was sponsored by the letter B"
"*Click click click click click*"
"I hope everyone has a great holiday and I wish the best"