I Didn't Do Nuthin
By: Retired NBA Superstar Jayson Williams
"I am so fucked."
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury: I implore
you to find anything in my murder of this limo driver that
is deemed as a punishable crime. I believe that the real culprit
in this case is the color of my black skin. If my name were
Courtney Love and I shot my husband in the head with a shotgun
after I repeatedly stated that I will not commit suicide then
I don't think I'd be here today, would I? Where is Courtney
Love? Is she at home? Well no, she's probably sucking off
the heroin dealer that bought all of you off but that's besides
the point. Gentlemen, I am here to declare my innocence!
After I shattered my leg playing for the
successful New Jersey Nets basketball franchise, I went on
to write a wildly popular and fun-loving book. In that book
I sold my basketball soul to make a few extra dollars to support
my next leg surgery. It sold numerous copies despite half
of the book being about Armen Gilliam alone. However, the
part that you, the jury, need to ignore is all that shit about
me talking about of all the things I used to do in my troubled
youth. Please do not read that book because, if you did, you
might think that I'm guilty of killing white people. I don't
kill white people on purpose or anything. I mean, I'm not
"I hope I didn't leave
the stove on."
When white people assist with
suicide they give it a fancy name. Hell, they even had a doctor
who specialized in that sort of demented behavior! All I did
was assist some shitty old poor white guy who was driving my
underachieving ass to go see my 16 race horses to his death.
Is that really a crime? Ladies and gentlemen, are you really
going to convict me of such a horrific crime? Would I really
do this on purpose? Why would you even think I can shoot a gun
straight? Hell, I couldn't even shoot straight as a professional
basketball player! It's true! Check my stats!
list: Pick up the groceries. Do the laundry. Clean off the fingerprints.
Take the dead bodies out of the weight room. Get NBA broadcasting
Speaking of stats,
I made the all-star team! Hell, I even played with Michael Jordan
on that very same all-star team. How can you throw a good basketball
player like myself in prison? Where did you put OJ? Can I get
a nice mansion next to OJ in Miami? Is it OK if I sell some
ecstacy as well? I guess I'll pay a couple million dollars to
the limo driver's family or something but, in all seriousness,
prison isn't the thing for me. My stats suffer when I am in
cold climate and I have brought a tape of an NBA game to prove
this theory to be correct. As you can see, here is me on a fast
break in a cold arena. Right there, if you pause the tape, is
me breaking my femur in half. I highly doubt that anyone on
this jury has ever experienced the pain of a broken bone. Oh,
you have? And I'm sure it made you want to retire as well, didn't
it? No? You just rehabbed? What the fuck is that? Are you saying
that I could still be playing right now? Woah, wait a second
here. I'll be right back
"The REAL dream team!
One great white hope, a goblin, a guy with holes in his knee
caps, I don't even remember who that #13 guy was, and me: Mr.
Sorry folks, I just
had to step out for a minute and talk to my agent, whose cell
phone seems to have no signal at the moment. My point is that
I am very rich and famous and I think that if I kill a poor
white guy then I should get the chance to change my name and
become a professional wrestler like everyone else. There is
this one move I have been working on where I take the horse,
who will be my manager, of course, and jack it off until my
opponent drowns in semen and I pin him for a 3 count. I have
not checked this out with PETA or anything but I believe it
will be just fine with them since I am not hurting the animal
in no way, shape, or form. Dennis Rodman is allowed to get married
to himself so why can't I propel horse semen onto my fellow
man's face? This is a free country, isn't it?
In closing, I'd just like to thank everyone
for attending my trial. As a little token of appreciation from
myself to the jury I have bought and paid for a limousine to
transport our precious jury members from this court room to
their hotel suites. Upon leaving the limo you will be asked
to drink a special elixir which will make you live forever.
And to all my fans: don't worry about me! I'll
rebound back from this ;)
is me posing with my good retarded friend the current starting
shooting guard for the San Antonio Spurs :P "