I Didn't Do Nuthin
By: Retired NBA Superstar Jayson Williams

"I am so fucked."

 

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury: I implore you to find anything in my murder of this limo driver that is deemed as a punishable crime. I believe that the real culprit in this case is the color of my black skin. If my name were Courtney Love and I shot my husband in the head with a shotgun after I repeatedly stated that I will not commit suicide then I don't think I'd be here today, would I? Where is Courtney Love? Is she at home? Well no, she's probably sucking off the heroin dealer that bought all of you off but that's besides the point. Gentlemen, I am here to declare my innocence!

After I shattered my leg playing for the successful New Jersey Nets basketball franchise, I went on to write a wildly popular and fun-loving book. In that book I sold my basketball soul to make a few extra dollars to support my next leg surgery. It sold numerous copies despite half of the book being about Armen Gilliam alone. However, the part that you, the jury, need to ignore is all that shit about me talking about of all the things I used to do in my troubled youth. Please do not read that book because, if you did, you might think that I'm guilty of killing white people. I don't kill white people on purpose or anything. I mean, I'm not a jerk.
"I hope I didn't leave the stove on."
When white people assist with suicide they give it a fancy name. Hell, they even had a doctor who specialized in that sort of demented behavior! All I did was assist some shitty old poor white guy who was driving my underachieving ass to go see my 16 race horses to his death. Is that really a crime? Ladies and gentlemen, are you really going to convict me of such a horrific crime? Would I really do this on purpose? Why would you even think I can shoot a gun straight? Hell, I couldn't even shoot straight as a professional basketball player! It's true! Check my stats!
"To-do list: Pick up the groceries. Do the laundry. Clean off the fingerprints. Take the dead bodies out of the weight room. Get NBA broadcasting job back."

Speaking of stats, I made the all-star team! Hell, I even played with Michael Jordan on that very same all-star team. How can you throw a good basketball player like myself in prison? Where did you put OJ? Can I get a nice mansion next to OJ in Miami? Is it OK if I sell some ecstacy as well? I guess I'll pay a couple million dollars to the limo driver's family or something but, in all seriousness, prison isn't the thing for me. My stats suffer when I am in cold climate and I have brought a tape of an NBA game to prove this theory to be correct. As you can see, here is me on a fast break in a cold arena. Right there, if you pause the tape, is me breaking my femur in half. I highly doubt that anyone on this jury has ever experienced the pain of a broken bone. Oh, you have? And I'm sure it made you want to retire as well, didn't it? No? You just rehabbed? What the fuck is that? Are you saying that I could still be playing right now? Woah, wait a second here. I'll be right back
"The REAL dream team! One great white hope, a goblin, a guy with holes in his knee caps, I don't even remember who that #13 guy was, and me: Mr. Personality!"

Sorry folks, I just had to step out for a minute and talk to my agent, whose cell phone seems to have no signal at the moment. My point is that I am very rich and famous and I think that if I kill a poor white guy then I should get the chance to change my name and become a professional wrestler like everyone else. There is this one move I have been working on where I take the horse, who will be my manager, of course, and jack it off until my opponent drowns in semen and I pin him for a 3 count. I have not checked this out with PETA or anything but I believe it will be just fine with them since I am not hurting the animal in no way, shape, or form. Dennis Rodman is allowed to get married to himself so why can't I propel horse semen onto my fellow man's face? This is a free country, isn't it?

In closing, I'd just like to thank everyone for attending my trial. As a little token of appreciation from myself to the jury I have bought and paid for a limousine to transport our precious jury members from this court room to their hotel suites. Upon leaving the limo you will be asked to drink a special elixir which will make you live forever.

And to all my fans: don't worry about me! I'll rebound back from this ;)
"Here is me posing with my good retarded friend the current starting shooting guard for the San Antonio Spurs :P "