NEW JERSEY -- All-Star Center Dikembe Mutombo was indicted  by the district attorney today in the dual unsolved deaths of "hustle" and "love of the game". This indictment ends the longest unsolved crime in the league since Allen Iverson's notorious arrest on charges of impersonating a franchise player.

Allowed to surrender himself at his lavish East Side mansion, Mutombo was quoted as saying "Cookie, cookie, cookie" when questioned by ace reporter, Emilio Escobar.

Mr. Mutombo, who fled  persecution in his homeland to live in the relative freedom of America, has been appointed a public defender as he is unable to provide for his own lawyer given his recently mounting bills to help settle his indentured servitude contract upon entering the NBA.

Responding to public outcry that his client may be unable to obtain a fair trial in the predominately Knick-friendly 47th Federal District, Attorney for the Accused Kevin Garnett fired back at reporters "Look at all dem words! Where do I sign to get the money?!" Powerful words indeed, but not enough to quench this reporter's thirst for knowledge.

By "bribing" a "security guard" with "drugs", I was able to sneak into the locker-room office of Mr. Garnett and ask him the tough questions I know Escobar's readers have come to expect. Not since Capone's vault has so much been unearthed in one journalistic outting!

"Reading is fundamental, and I is been reading a lot of stuffs on my clientitude, Mr. Mutombo, and we be confident in a victory in the courts today!"

Questioned in his holding cell just minutes before his trial was set to begin, Mr. Mutombo seemed less confident of his odds with a stern "Cookie, cookie, cookie" for the swarm of reporters gathered outside.

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