My team, the Orlando Magic for those of you who do not follow my Hall of Fame career, is off to the races with a winning streak and are on their way to the playoffs. I’m very excited about this and I am looking forward to the playoffs, where I will, once again, dominate with total disregard for NBA defenses. I will be kicking ass and taking names! However, for a guy like me, I just want to say that it’s great to be in the second round. I find the NBA playoffs to be not very challenging at all. They throw a Mehmet Okur at me and I dunk on him. They throw some guy named Tayshaun Prince at me and I still hit my jump shots. The point of this article is, well, actually there is no point. I just wanted to point out that it feels great to be advancing past the first round.

Now you might be asking yourself, “Tracy, your team just lost 19 games in a row. How can you even be thinking about the playoffs?” First off, I think you’re talking about the wrong team because my team has just won 2 in a row. And I thought I was supposed to be the one with the crossed eyes! But anyway, two wins in a row means that I get to talk some more bullshit about the NBA that I, being the scholarly 23-year-old high-school-educated smarty pants that I am, would clearly be an expert on. Even if we did lose 19 in a row, it really doesn’t matter because of that wonderful playoff run I experienced last spring when I made it to the second round finally.

Actually, I really don’t see why I should have to compete in every game in the playoffs. I have many other obligations because of my NBA stardom such as having gaydar. I can spot a gay NBA player like it’s nobody’s business! One time I had just finished a game against the Washington Wizards where I had scored 50 points and had a fantastic game. I went into the locker room and there was Mitch Richmond just standing there with his legs crossed and his balls hanging out. I told him he looked like he might be a little gay and Mitch immediately took offense to that statement. I told him I was sorry and I took him out to dinner. Dinner led to drinks at Mitch’s place and we engaged in oral sex next to his beautiful fireplace with Marvin Gaye’s smash hit “Lets Get It On” playing in the background. I can safely say that Mitch is a homosexual and I feel sorry for him. I think that’s pretty gross.

People like to say that I’m not a true competitor but this cannot be farther from the truth. I am a fierce competitor in Tiddly Winks and I enjoy origami. What most people do not know about me is that I have a very deep passion for the history of the NBA. I love to just sit around and stare at stats until my eyes cross. I could tell you off the top of my head that Jeff Hornacek played for the Phoenix Suns at one time and that a guy named Uwe Blab once stepped on an NBA court. Isn’t that crazy? Have you ever watched one of those old games on ESPN Classic? Those shorts are so small! At least when we play we look good. Those guys back in the ‘80’s were so gay looking. And I’d know!

The second round really does mean a lot to me. When I got there last year it seemed as though it were some sort of dream. I had climbed this never-ending beanstalk known as the first round and got to this vivacious fantasyland filled with candy and ornaments. I was on this little cloud and a magical elf hung lei around my neck and kissed me on the cheek and I blushed with delight. When I didn’t end up shooting 7 for 24 in the decisive Game 7 and when I didn’t let my team down when they needed me, I was given a throne and a septor, which read “It’s Your Boy, T-Mac!” on it. The throne was made out of chocolate and jellybeans and I was so full that I had to take a nap! When I got up from that nap I screwed my back up and I decided to sit out the next couple of games in the second round of the playoffs. But, despite the back injury, I’d have to say it was such a magical (pardon the pun!) experience that I wished it would never disappear.

Thankfully, it hasn’t!