The NBA All-Street Cred Team
"Even Right Guard can't help you stay dry in the pokey, Sir Charles"
It's that time of year again folks! When the summer heats up, baseball takes one long step forward closer to dying once and for all, the draft promises another slew of Croatian power forwards to top the three-point percentage charts, and we at NLU unveil the NBA All-Street Cred Team.
The rules for making the team are simple: the more crimes you commit, the more street cred you get. The more street cred you get, the more Sprite commercials, TV shows, and rebounding titles you get. And, if you're one of the greatest, you can make the NBA All-Street Cred Team. They know it in the hood, and now you know it in your underwear sitting at your computer.
Athletes are judged based on the following factors: 40% for volume of crimes committed (repeat offenders are MUCH more hardcore because they just don't give a fuck), 25% for worst crime committed (don't get much cred for tax evasion then getting your shit pushed in once you make it to the big house), 25% for the Len Bias factor (how close you came to a tragic death that would have erased any public memory of your misgivings a la Tupac or, hell, Len Bias), and 10 % for best attitude in defending your crimes (these are just too good to be true).
And so, without further ado ....
Here is everyones favorite "pure" point guard after being arrested for domestic violence after Jason dished 10 assists to his wife's cheekbone and getting bukkaked by his cellmates (who all had a better jumpshot than Jason, I might add). Keep blowing those kisses at the free throw line, Jason! Your wife needs more media attention.
SG - Jerry Stackhouse (65% hardcore)
See, this is the type of thing that gets Jerry in trouble. Stackhouse keeps going after Michael Jordan's white mistresses and Jordan will have none of that! Mr. Stackhouse also likes to rent houses but he doesn't keep track of how long he can actually keep them for. To combat this slight deficiency, Jerry grabs women. In between grabbing the ball from his better teammates and neglecting his ugly jump shot, Stackhouse, apparently, has time to go party on the North Carolina coast.
SF - Latrell Sprewell (90% hardcore)
If you attempt to murder your coach, you're pretty hardcore. The only thing holding him back is that he's only committed one bad act. However, I'm not allowed to write anything bad about him or he'll break my hand in a mysterious boating accident. When asked how he felt about being selected to the team, Latrell responded with, "I'm a little choked up. Just kidding."
PF - Chris Webber (60% hardcore)
Hardcore basketball plays always look like they're about to cry, don't they? His rating isn't very high for just getting caught with pot but he also accepted money from a booster and brought an entire college's basketball program down to it's knees. On top of that, he lied under oath about not taking any money from the booster and got himself in even more trouble personally. But it's all good when he goes home and has sex with Tyra "The New Robin Givens" Banks.
C - Roy Tarpley (84% hardcore)
Gonna do drugs anymore? I didn't think so. On to the first team...
PG - Allen Iverson (98% hardcore)
Yeah I know, I know. Allen Iverson isn't a point guard. Well don't tell him that, or he'll "maim you by mob". I mean what the fuck?! That's not bad for an amateur. While on scholarship, Iverson threatened people with a gun in a bowling alley. Too bad the NCAA doesn't give out trophies for the Thug Life. Of course that didn't stop "The Answer" from cutting an album as "Jewelz" advocating violence as a solution to all of life's problems, including the Homos (no, not the Showtime-Era Lakers, just people to whom AIDS has been given). Oh and by the way he followed up his league MVP by beating his wife and conducting a one-man gun-toting manhunt for her later. That year he tallied 14 charges, with a league-leading 12 felonies. I guess he really is the greatest player in the world, if by "greatest player in the world" you mean "biggest son of a bitch."
SG - Kobe "Bear" Bryant (77% hardcore)
Hopefully Kobe won't rape his own bobble head doll.
SF - Ruben Patterson (94% hardcore)
Ruben Patterson is shocked, fucking shocked to learn that he raped his baby sitter. I mean, maybe you lose some points for even having a baby sitter for your kids instead of just taking them with you and your hooker, but still that's pretty bad. He's been involved in a bigger sex crime than that time Pee Wee Herman, Pete Townshend, and the principal from Ferris Bueller had a circle jerk on the Olsen Twins' front lawn. Of course he did commit the rape while with the Sonics, but soon thereafter signed with Portland for the minimum rapist exception.
PF - Rasheed Wallace (67% hardcore)
Pictured here is Rasheed Wallace trying to steal his own shirt. Yes, he also plays for the Trail Blazers. That makes sentences like "forward Ruben Patterson was charged with assaulting his wife less than a week after guard Damon Stoudamire and forward Rasheed Wallace were cited for marijuana possession" possible in the Rocky Mountain News. I guess "Blazers" is appropriate enough a team name for a man who can't stop getting arrested for smoking the dope. No, that doesn't make you hardcore on its own. Of course when your only defense it "the marijuana has all been burnt up" to avoid arrest, you do get an awful lot of bonus points.
C - Jayson Williams (100% hardcore)
"I WAS TRYING TO CLEAN MY GUN!! I SWEAR I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE THE BARREL WAS IN HIS MOUTH!" Oh, OK Jayson.
Stay out of trouble, kids.
Emilio Escobar is a contributing editor at niggaslike.us
He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org