Smirnoff Is For Faggots
By: Boston Forward Vin Baker
"WHAT DID YOU DO WITH WILSON????"
As I have scoured the earth in search of better tasting alcohol, I’ve
learned a few things about life. First, only faggots drink that Smirnoff
bullshit. Well, faggots, girls, and guys named Kyle. Secondly, I’ve
found out that nothing hits the spot quite like a shot of everclear. I’ve
consumed a vast amount of alcohol in my time so I thought I’d just
share my knowledge of Chris Mullin’s cough syrup. In this little
article I will give you my assessment of the different types of alcohol
I have underachieved with and the grade next to it indicates how well
you can participate in a mildly challenging sport with it in your system.
Margaritas (A-): I’m hardly ever in the mood for
a fruity drink but it’s a good coming-down drink after a hangover.
I usually make fun of the pussies that drink these things but they’re
actually quite tasty. I remember I was playing the 2nd game of a back-to-back
set and I just wasn’t hitting my running fall-away bullshit jumpers.
I had just come off a heavy night of cocaine and jager so it was kind
of hard to concentrate on playing a children’s game. I told Coach
Dunleavy, a very understanding and ugly coach that I needed to hit the
beer bong once or twice during a timeout. He looked at me in a weird way,
sort of half-disappointed and half-disgusted. So I just did a bump of
coke and I was fine. I don’t think I had any margaritas or anything
but it’s still a pretty cool story.
Tequila (D+): I really
don’t encourage people drinking tequila and then attempt to
play any basketball. I don’t know what it is but it just doesn’t
feel very good. On a dare, Gary Payton told me I couldn’t
take 10 shots of tequila and still score 15 points in this particular
game. Boy was he right! I don’t even think I averaged 15 points
for that entire season! I was really fucked up and I had to yell
and stomp at the refs so I’d get ejected and go home. Yelling
at the referees is kind of like going to the clinic in elementary
Jagermeister (C-): You could probably look like
you’re not an idiot while on jager but I wouldn’t recommend
it. One time when I was out in New York, I must’ve played
a terrible game so I started playing some card game with a couple
of underage ladies looking for alcohol. I took them back to my hotel
room and fucked them in the ass for a little while when I realized
that I had a game to go to. Apparently it was just a drunken illusion
that I had played earlier that day. I guess that’s what I
get for drinking at 11 in the morning. So game time rolls around
and I just barely made it to Madison Square Garden when I realize
that I wasn’t even supposed to be in New York. I was supposed
to be in Milwaukee to play against Golden State. Jeez, I still don’t
know how that shit happened. Wait, that wasn’t jagermeister.
That was something else I think. Were those even girls? Wow, what
the hell was I doing?
Oh man, Gary. I
think I had a little too much to drink!
Spiced Rum (B-): Rum really doesn’t settle in my
stomach very well for some reason. I can digest lots of alcohol at one
time while fucking three different women and counting my money but not
while I’m drinking rum. Rum isn’t my kryptonite by any means
but it does seem to sneak up on me. I remember in Boston last year when
I swore off rum only to find two empty bottles of it balanced on a sombraro
that was lying next to my sofa bed. Then I looked across the bed only
to see one of Dennis Rodman’s ex-wives was popping razorburn zits
on her vagina. You can’t even make this shit up. Next thing I know
I’m downing the third bottle of rum to forget about the vagina zits
and I end up waking up bent over a table with a doctor pulling broken
shards of glass out of my ass. “What in the name of Richard Gere
is going on here?” I ask. All I got was a snicker from a few doctors
but hey, whatever. It happens to the best of us.
(A+): I have my best games on Jack. In fact, I owe my career to
Jack. When I’m at my lowest, I can always count on Jack to
give me a new career high in blood alcohol level and DUI attempts
from the field! Some people say it tastes like wood or just gives
them a burning throat effect but I can tell you this for sure: those
people are crazy! I've sat down numerous times with Ruben Patterson
and just took shot after shot of Jack to see who would pass out
first. I’ve never raped my baby-sitter or anything but hey,
to each his own I guess, right? I would be a pretty shitty person
to sit here and tell Ruben what to do during his free time. I’ve
gotten handjobs from homeless men just to see if my penis would
still work after I literally swallowed a bottle of unopened vodka.
Realizing this, I can see why pinning an underage girl down against
her will isn’t all that bad.
I'm proud to play in the fine
city of Milwaukee! Errr Seattle! Errr, what? Boston? What the fuck?
After all, I’d rather have a girl get pinned down against her will
than get my shot pinned against the backboard.