Bill Simmons Solves Problems
By: Emilio Escobar


The Sports Guy said he simply couldn’t take it anymore. The rampant tweets offering no end in sight for beleaguered NBA fans inspired him to do something. The lockout consumed months while almost every sportswriter in the country was held captive by pro basketball’s largest obstacle in, potentially, its existence.

But not one writer.

Bill Simmons grew up a modest boy in Boston, Massachusetts. When his glass of milk was almost empty as a child, he went and poured himself another. That’s the kind of no-nonsense man he is. He also says that it was during these impressionable years that he realized black people, and professional athletes, in general, are stupid.

“I realized it very early on and it’s something I’ve held onto steadfastly,” said the outspoken commentator on both life and sport. “People don’t realize that most of these guys are college dropouts. Some of them probably wouldn’t have even finished high school if they didn’t have to. It’s simple logic. I have a college degree and I watch sports literally all day long, most of the time. I just know a little more about things than these [African-Americans].”

To paint the scene, one must remember the history of these past few months of NBA labor negotiations. The NBA players, coming off of receiving 57% of all basketball-related income, had already, begrudgingly, given up income and were willing to receive 53%, a large concession on their part. The owners, armed with factual evidence that none of their $500 million franchise investments were turning a profit despite record-breaking television ratings and incredibly marketable young talent, countered with an offer of 13%. The two sides were at a standstill; at war with one another in the trenches with neither side wanting to give ground. A mediator was brought in and, after 16-hour negotiating sessions day after day, the players agreed to come down to 52.5% while the owners stood firm at 13%. “We’re not even sure if we can still turn a profit while giving our players 13% of everything we solely make off our basketball income and not the rest of our business ventures,” stated one NBA owner/Amp’d Mobile CEO.

After one last-ditch effort, a 19-hour bargaining bonanza that was rumored to only have been the owners complaining about Occupy Wall Street protestors, a crusader courageously stepped up to his laptop, situated within his insulated Los Angeles life, and dropped some knowledge on all of us: Professional athletes are stupid and he is not.

“The players are making millions, even billions, of dollars and they’re too selfish to keep the sport alive,” Simmons typed into his privileged, week-old, slim yet powerful Sony VAIO laptop. “Why can’t they just meet the owners in the middle?”

Why can’t they just meet in the middle? The real question is why none of us had ever thought of this!

Before long, the NBA owners and players were shaking hands after agreeing to an 85/15 split, allowing the NBA owners to keep 85% of all basketball-related income that “belongs to them anyway”, according to Grand Arbiter of All Things Basketball, Sir William Simmons. Sir William then explained Capitalism and his trade value articles to me in a very condescending manner, along with how they correlate to the third season of Miami Vice, according to one of his friends, before he excused me to leave.

"Just meet somewhere in the middle!"

“They were able to meet somewhere in the middle and I believe that we can learn from all of this and apply it to our personal and, even, political lives!” stated an exuberant Fuhrer from his balcony. His thousands of followers, armed with replica NBA jerseys donning patches signifying they are part of a 99% and wearing backwards baseball caps, cheered for him after every hastily thought-out, mildly racist idea he came up with.

Four days after Archbishop Simmons was elected Chancellor of these United States of America, he ordered the death of David Kahn by execution and named himself General Manager of the Minnesota Timberwolves. He took a stab at the global debt crisis by hiring Red Auerbach’s son, Randy, as his Treasurer and giving him all of the power necessary to complete such a task. Emperor Simmons even created what he called “The Stepien Rule of Finance,” which he would not elaborate on other than a note he typed out in Comic Sans font that simply said, “Trust me…” While unemployment has doubled in the past twenty seven days since he’s been elected, Chairman Simmons seemed hopeful for the future until early yesterday afternoon.

Lord Simmons, shortly after signing the controversial "It's Your Own Fault" Act of 2011.

Reportedly, Grand Master Simmons awoke earlier than usual for some breakfast, which he enjoyed while watching the 1986 NBA Finals on NBA TV. He says watching this cheers him up and gives him the creative energy to create new policies and ideas, such as his Rookie Scale Wages Act of 2011, where all college graduates must work for $3 per hour for the first four years of their professional career. But he seemed down on himself, unsure of what he had accomplished. The assassination attempt two hours later was “just some crazy Minnesota fan with a blog and too much time on his hands” and ordered that we not address it again. Fourteen minutes later, God Bill Simmons took his own life, only leaving a note that explained the Ewing Theory.

The NASDAQ has risen 6,000 points since I began writing this article. People have begun reading Mr. Simmons’ articles again with fervor and enthusiasm. The planet is happy again, wide-eyed in wonderment after color was ordered to be no longer outlawed by acting Commissioner of the World, Senõr Skip Bayless.

The infamous House and Mench are on trial for war crimes in Flint, Michigan, set to begin on February 14th, 2012.


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