Another Sports Guy Diary!
By: Bill "The Sports Guy" Simmons

Now that the only way you can access my archive of journalism, I thought I’d make another running diary of what its like to be me, the Sports Guy, on a regular ol’ Monday. It gets pretty crazy around here and I’m a crazy guy, full of 80’s movie references and recycled jokes!

8:00am – I wake up. I’d like to note that 8:00 here is really 11:00 on the east coast, which is where I lived for a long time and I will keep pointing this out a lot. Sometimes there are baseball and basketball games on at noon, which means I have to wake up at 9:00 in the morning. Pretty weird, huh? Normal people can adjust to this without a problem but I have an ESPN column which people pay to read so I have to come up with lame material like myself making realizations like this! It’s sort of like when Daniel Caruso paid Mr. Miagi by washing his cars, it just doesn’t make sense.

8:10am – I am eating a bagel that my friend J-Bug recommended to me. When J-Bug and I go out for breakfast, it’s a blast. Today we discussed our fantasy baseball teams and how much we just cannot stand those darn New York Yankees. ARGH! They win all the time and my little team finally won a World Series so I have to write an entire rehashed book about it! I bet those better journalists in New York didn’t write 26 separate books. Well hey, maybe they did. I don’t know because I don’t pay attention to anything to do with that blasted state of New York! PHOOEY!

9:00am – I roll out of Starbucks with J-Bug to pick up my other buddy, Mench. We hang out at another Starbucks for a half hour talking about how much we hate people who whine for years about how their team stinks until their team does finally win multiple titles and won’t stop talking about them. “Pure insanity,” says Mench. “It’s sort of like when Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro are in the same movie. You know something special will happen but you don’t know what.” Oh man, I feel another debate coming on! I’ll be here for awhile.


10:00am – Pulling back into the Sports Mansion, appropriately named by its marginally-sized front yard and its 1 ½ bathrooms, I am greeted by the Sports Gal. This little lady has been the pride and joy of my whole world, and I make sure my paying readers hear all about it! Rather than provide good sports journalism, I like to include little quips my wife makes. Sometimes when I’m watching a Celtics game, my wife will say something like, “Boy, those referees are a lot shorter than the players.” My wife was on fire that night when she said that. I actually pounded the couch with my fist because I was laughing so hard, almost as hard as Sylvester Stallone's biceps in Over the Top. My wife even turned my hat around when the game got into crunch time haha oh man I love that gal. So glad I gave up my Sports Mansion and my half of my Sports Salary to be with her.

10:05am – The Sports Gal is reading Us Weekly again and telling me all about it. I call my buddies J-Bug and Mench and tell them about Angelina Jolie’s breakup with Brad Pitt and, eventually, we discuss Michael Jordan’s apex in the 1993 NBA Playoffs where he is the Alpha Dog and Scottie Pippen is like the fat guy who gets killed in Bloodsport. We talk for another hour about how Corey Haim and Corey Feldman are just like Steve Javie and Dick Bavetta. Then we talk some more about our fantasy baseball teams because I thought about acquiring David Ortiz but I’m not sure he’s an Alpha Dog yet, just like we weren’t sure if Ultra Magnus he was the one to be opening the matrix and, sure enough, he wasn't. J-Bug still thinks it should’ve been Cupp who opened it but I think he’s crazy. Rodimus Prime was the Alpha Dog, plain and simple. I will not argue this.
"Rodimus just let Optimus die and, even worse, he's the reason Prime died! Awful. Optimus against the Decepticons was like Isiah Thomas against the '84 Knicks."

12:30pm – I start scurrying to the TV because the Red Sox are playing but I just read another Paul Pierce trade rumor so I begin sweating bullets. Should I write my 950th piece on Paul Pierce? I think it’s a travesty that a team, one which is clearly rebuilding, should trade its surly superstar even though you can tell he absolutely hates playing for Doc Rivers. Why make your star happy when you can continue drafting high school kids and surround them with an incompetent coach. God, the Celtics are so stupid! Don’t ever trade Paul Pierce. HE IS AN ALPHA DOG!

12:45pm – My fingers get itchy so I call J-Bug again and tell him about this cool new column idea I just came up with. What if I compare Robert DeNiro to Jerry Seinfeld? Brilliant, isn’t it?

1:30pm – Red Sox aren’t playing today, I got their logo confused with that baseball-head looking guy who is on the Jack In the Box commercials.

2:00pm – I turn on ESPN Classic to relive the glorious Celtics days. Look at Kevin McHale limp up the court as Larry Bird’s wispy locks follow him ever so closely. And look, it’s the guy I never talk about in any of my columns: Robert Parish! I need to write another column on this stuff, I don’t think people realize how good the Celtics were. They won a bunch of titles in the 1980’s, people need to know these things.

2:30pm – I love ESPN because I can watch a show like PTI. Its not enough that I just talked sports with my friends all day but now I can watch two other grown men discuss sports as well. Even though sports radio is just about the most dull and boring thing on the face of this planet, actually SEEING it so much better! And hey, when its time for another topic, they ring a buzzer and its time to move on! Just like in a real sporting event! Lets talk about Sam Cassell for 30 seconds and then Tiger Woods while an old white guy says axe instead of ask and repeatedly tells his fellow sports chum, an Uncle Tom with a bald head and glasses who probably married a white woman, to go talk to his boy! This mild trash talk is sensational and I just love it. I can’t wait for a couple more hours when Chris Berman reveals his new set of nicknames for various players….. sort of like how Daniel-San couldn’t wait to compete in the big karate tournament. I forget the name of the tournament. Let me ask Mench.

"Magic. Larry. The NBA Finals in the 1980's were the best of all-time. And just in case you weren't aware, just read one of my columsn every week to be reminded!"

4:00pm – Mench didn’t know the name of the tournament either so we talked about Kevin Bacon’s acting career and how it parallels Bill Walton once he joined the Celtics. Both came through when you needed them to, even though they both were never heavily relied upon. Sort of reminds me of how MJ was the Alpha Dog in the ’93 playoffs. Scary.

5:00pm – Is it gay if I position myself in my room so that the Basketball Jesus’ eyes are fixating on me as I am undressing? It’s just a poster. Remember in Scarface when Al Pacino is sniffing coke like crazy at the end and he’s almost invincible. That’s how I feel when taking my clothes off in front of Basketball Jesus. Not gay if you ask me. If it was then it would rate about a 16 on the Stomach Punch Scale.

5:05pm – I haven’t made fun of Isiah Thomas or Elgin Baylor yet. Crazy stuff. Have I mentioned lately that I know Adam Corrolla?

5:06pm – I’d just like to say that me not making fun of Isiah or Elgin sort of reminds me of Tom Cruise in Top Gun when he’s kissing that woman and that music won’t stop playing whenever he’s around any female. It’s pretty comparable.

"Christopher Lloyed punching you in the stomach has to rate pretty high on the Stomach Punch Scale."

6:30pm – I head out the door ready to attend a Clippers game. Can’t wait. They’ve got Sam Cassell now and I just love to gush about Shawn Livingston even though he’s done nothing in the league except pop his knee and shoulder out of place numerous times. He’s just like Penny Hardaway and Magic Johnson. That’s sort of like combining Damone and Forrest Whitaker in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. If you haven’t seen it then I highly recommend it. If you haven’t, that’s a 9 on the Stomach Punch Scale for you. Damone was the Alpha Dog in that movie.

7:00pm – My head almost exploded when I realized that its summer and there are no Clippers games. I don’t really remember any movies where a guy’s head exploded, maybe in Weird Science. That reminds me, what happened to Vanessa Angel? She was so hot in that series but she disappeared for 10 years and then popped up on Entourage. I wonder if Drama had sex with her. I’ll have to consult the Sports Gal on that one later. What do you think would happen if we took Turtle and put him in a room with Damone?

8:00pm – Approximately 94 people have just mistaken me for Andrew McCarthy, shattering the previous record that I set yesterday.

8:15pm – I call dad up just to chit-chat and see how he’s doing. He mistakes Dan Dickau for Brian Scalabrine and accidentally says Del Monte West is going to be a hell of a player someday. Dad falls asleep in mid-sentence again, the last thing I hear him say is, “Why can’t you come up with some new jo…” and then falls asleep. I can’t imagine what he was about to say. Kobe Bryant is the black mamba haha I can't get over that.

9:00pm – I’m about to go to Vegas with Mench and J-Bug, it’s going to be a blast. We plan on talking about women the whole way there, even though we’re all middle-aged and pale. Mench brings up how lame Lewis was in Revenge of the Nerds and then I make the analogy that Lewis is sort of like Tim Duncan in the pantheon of NBA superstars. We discuss pantheons some more until the MJ pantheon comes up and I tell them both how I don’t think LeBron James’ pantheon is bigger than Jordan’s but J-Bug disagrees wholeheartedly. It’s going to be a long trip to Vegas!

"Weekend at Bill's, the only place with more 80's pop culture references than a Family Guy Episode!"

10:00pm – Stopping into a 7-11 to get a Coke and cigarettes, I get into a light-hearted conversation with the alcoholic behind the counter. He thinks Edgerrin James is going to “tear it up” in Arizona while I remind him that I write 500 columns a year for ESPN about the NFL. I proceed to tell him that Edgerrin is about to enter the pantheon of Alpha Dog statuses and that if he’s not careful then he may end up like Charlie Sheen in Young Guns next to the Celtics dynasty. The clerk tells me to leave. I dropped a cigarette into my Coke by accident. Stomach Punch Scale rating: 5

12:00pm – We arrive in Vegas so, natually, instead of going into the casinos, we stand outside and talk about Ed Norton in Rounders and how he was the best character in the entire movie. This is why I love Vegas: you can do ANYTHING. A couple of nice-looking ladies pass by us, one of them mistakes me for Andrew McCarthy. Vegas is crazy. My head is spinning right now. Speaking of Vegas, do you remember that scene in Swingers where Vince Vaughn is standing on the table in that diner and yelling at Jon Favreau? Well, we just got done eating at a diner JUST LIKE THAT ONE! And when the waitress came over, I made a renaissance joke just like Favreau did at the casino. Does life get any better than this? This steak is almost as chewy as Evander Holyfield's ear. VEGAS BABY!

1:00am – I get a hotel room and listen intently to the couple in the room next to me. The woman is panting and moaning, which gives me a great idea for my next column. I’m going to come up with some sort of hook-up scale and mix in some quotes to a fairly well-known movie like Boogie Nights or something like that. On this scale, a 10 would be like when Woody Allen hooks up with anyone in any movie because its just so unlikely that anyone could ever love him. On the flip side, a 1 would be like the scene where Sharon Stone shoves Joe Pesci’s frumpy cock in her mouth in Casino. I call Mench, who calls J-Bug and we talk about it for another half hour. J-Bug thinks it’s a great idea while Mench is being a Grumpy Gus like always. Not sure where I’d rate this on the Stomach Punch scale.

1:30am – Its time I go to bed so I shall put this diary to rest. I begin dreaming about what it would be like for readers if ESPN instituted their own Ewing Theory and dropped me from their roster. It’s pretty comparable to Satan being kicked out of heaven in The Bible. How do you think that rated on the Stomach Punch Scale anyway?

"'Star of Casino or the next guy you see on a Wednesday episode of Dateline: NBC? What are you waiting for, Sharon? Suck his cock!"

Sports are crazy.