Another Sports Guy Diary!
By: Bill "The Sports Guy" Simmons
Now that the only way you can access my archive of journalism,
I thought I’d make another running diary of what its like to be
me, the Sports Guy, on a regular ol’ Monday. It gets pretty crazy
around here and I’m a crazy guy, full of 80’s movie references
and recycled jokes!
8:00am – I wake up. I’d like to note that
8:00 here is really 11:00 on the east coast, which is where I lived for
a long time and I will keep pointing this out a lot. Sometimes there are
baseball and basketball games on at noon, which means I have to wake up
at 9:00 in the morning. Pretty weird, huh? Normal people can adjust to
this without a problem but I have an ESPN column which people pay to read
so I have to come up with lame material like myself making realizations
like this! It’s sort of like when Daniel Caruso paid Mr. Miagi by
washing his cars, it just doesn’t make sense.
8:10am – I am eating
a bagel that my friend J-Bug recommended to me. When J-Bug and I
go out for breakfast, it’s a blast. Today we discussed our
fantasy baseball teams and how much we just cannot stand those darn
New York Yankees. ARGH! They win all the time and my little team
finally won a World Series so I have to write an entire rehashed
book about it! I bet those better journalists in New York didn’t
write 26 separate books. Well hey, maybe they did. I don’t
know because I don’t pay attention to anything to do with
that blasted state of New York! PHOOEY!
9:00am – I roll out of Starbucks with J-Bug
to pick up my other buddy, Mench. We hang out at another Starbucks
for a half hour talking about how much we hate people who whine
for years about how their team stinks until their team does finally
win multiple titles and won’t stop talking about them. “Pure
insanity,” says Mench. “It’s sort of like when
Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro are in the same movie. You know something
special will happen but you don’t know what.” Oh man,
I feel another debate coming on! I’ll be here for awhile.
"ARE YOU AWARE THAT I LIKE
THE RED SOX? I AM FROM BOSTON"
10:00am – Pulling back into the Sports Mansion,
appropriately named by its marginally-sized front yard and its 1 ½
bathrooms, I am greeted by the Sports Gal. This little lady has been the
pride and joy of my whole world, and I make sure my paying readers hear
all about it! Rather than provide good sports journalism, I like to include
little quips my wife makes. Sometimes when I’m watching a Celtics
game, my wife will say something like, “Boy, those referees are
a lot shorter than the players.” My wife was on fire that night
when she said that. I actually pounded the couch with my fist because
I was laughing so hard, almost as hard as Sylvester Stallone's biceps
in Over the Top. My wife even turned my hat around when the game
got into crunch time haha oh man I love that gal. So glad I gave up my
Sports Mansion and my half of my Sports Salary to be with her.
10:05am – The
Sports Gal is reading Us Weekly again and telling me all about it.
I call my buddies J-Bug and Mench and tell them about Angelina Jolie’s
breakup with Brad Pitt and, eventually, we discuss Michael Jordan’s
apex in the 1993 NBA Playoffs where he is the Alpha Dog and Scottie
Pippen is like the fat guy who gets killed in Bloodsport.
We talk for another hour about how Corey Haim and Corey Feldman
are just like Steve Javie and Dick Bavetta. Then we talk some more
about our fantasy baseball teams because I thought about acquiring
David Ortiz but I’m not sure he’s an Alpha Dog yet,
just like we weren’t sure if Ultra Magnus he was the one to
be opening the matrix and, sure enough, he wasn't. J-Bug still thinks
it should’ve been Cupp who opened it but I think he’s
crazy. Rodimus Prime was the Alpha Dog, plain and simple. I will
not argue this.
let Optimus die and, even worse, he's the reason Prime died! Awful.
Optimus against the Decepticons was like Isiah Thomas against the
12:30pm – I start scurrying to the TV because the
Red Sox are playing but I just read another Paul Pierce trade rumor so
I begin sweating bullets. Should I write my 950th piece on Paul Pierce?
I think it’s a travesty that a team, one which is clearly rebuilding,
should trade its surly superstar even though you can tell he absolutely
hates playing for Doc Rivers. Why make your star happy when you can continue
drafting high school kids and surround them with an incompetent coach.
God, the Celtics are so stupid! Don’t ever trade Paul Pierce. HE
IS AN ALPHA DOG!
12:45pm – My fingers get itchy so I call J-Bug
again and tell him about this cool new column idea I just came up with.
What if I compare Robert DeNiro to Jerry Seinfeld? Brilliant, isn’t
1:30pm – Red Sox aren’t playing today, I
got their logo confused with that baseball-head looking guy who is on
the Jack In the Box commercials.
2:00pm – I turn on ESPN Classic
to relive the glorious Celtics days. Look at Kevin McHale limp up
the court as Larry Bird’s wispy locks follow him ever so closely.
And look, it’s the guy I never talk about in any of my columns:
Robert Parish! I need to write another column on this stuff, I don’t
think people realize how good the Celtics were. They won a bunch
of titles in the 1980’s, people need to know these things.
2:30pm – I love ESPN because I can watch
a show like PTI. Its not enough that I just talked sports with my
friends all day but now I can watch two other grown men discuss
sports as well. Even though sports radio is just about the most
dull and boring thing on the face of this planet, actually SEEING
it so much better! And hey, when its time for another topic, they
ring a buzzer and its time to move on! Just like in a real sporting
event! Lets talk about Sam Cassell for 30 seconds and then Tiger
Woods while an old white guy says axe instead of ask and repeatedly
tells his fellow sports chum, an Uncle Tom with a bald head and
glasses who probably married a white woman, to go talk to his boy!
This mild trash talk is sensational and I just love it. I can’t
wait for a couple more hours when Chris Berman reveals his new set
of nicknames for various players….. sort of like how Daniel-San
couldn’t wait to compete in the big karate tournament. I forget
the name of the tournament. Let me ask Mench.
The NBA Finals in the 1980's were the best of all-time. And just
in case you weren't aware, just read one of my columsn every week
to be reminded!"
4:00pm – Mench didn’t know the name of the
tournament either so we talked about Kevin Bacon’s acting career
and how it parallels Bill Walton once he joined the Celtics. Both came
through when you needed them to, even though they both were never heavily
relied upon. Sort of reminds me of how MJ was the Alpha Dog in the ’93
5:00pm – Is it
gay if I position myself in my room so that the Basketball Jesus’
eyes are fixating on me as I am undressing? It’s just a poster.
Remember in Scarface when Al Pacino is sniffing coke like
crazy at the end and he’s almost invincible. That’s
how I feel when taking my clothes off in front of Basketball Jesus.
Not gay if you ask me. If it was then it would rate about a 16 on
the Stomach Punch Scale.
5:05pm – I haven’t made fun of Isiah
Thomas or Elgin Baylor yet. Crazy stuff. Have I mentioned lately
that I know Adam Corrolla?
5:06pm – I’d just like to say that
me not making fun of Isiah or Elgin sort of reminds me of Tom Cruise
in Top Gun when he’s kissing that woman and that
music won’t stop playing whenever he’s around any female.
It’s pretty comparable.
Lloyed punching you in the stomach has to rate pretty high on the
Stomach Punch Scale."
6:30pm – I head out the door ready to attend a
Clippers game. Can’t wait. They’ve got Sam Cassell now and
I just love to gush about Shawn Livingston even though he’s done
nothing in the league except pop his knee and shoulder out of place numerous
times. He’s just like Penny Hardaway and Magic Johnson. That’s
sort of like combining Damone and Forrest Whitaker in Fast Times at
Ridgemont High. If you haven’t seen it then I highly recommend
it. If you haven’t, that’s a 9 on the Stomach Punch Scale
for you. Damone was the Alpha Dog in that movie.
7:00pm – My head almost exploded when I realized
that its summer and there are no Clippers games. I don’t really
remember any movies where a guy’s head exploded, maybe in Weird
Science. That reminds me, what happened to Vanessa Angel? She was so hot
in that series but she disappeared for 10 years and then popped up on
Entourage. I wonder if Drama had sex with her. I’ll have
to consult the Sports Gal on that one later. What do you think would happen
if we took Turtle and put him in a room with Damone?
8:00pm – Approximately
94 people have just mistaken me for Andrew McCarthy, shattering
the previous record that I set yesterday.
8:15pm – I call dad up just to chit-chat
and see how he’s doing. He mistakes Dan Dickau for Brian Scalabrine
and accidentally says Del Monte West is going to be a hell of a
player someday. Dad falls asleep in mid-sentence again, the last
thing I hear him say is, “Why can’t you come up with
some new jo…” and then falls asleep. I can’t imagine
what he was about to say. Kobe Bryant is the black mamba haha I
can't get over that.
9:00pm – I’m about to go to Vegas with
Mench and J-Bug, it’s going to be a blast. We plan on talking
about women the whole way there, even though we’re all middle-aged
and pale. Mench brings up how lame Lewis was in Revenge of the
Nerds and then I make the analogy that Lewis is sort of like
Tim Duncan in the pantheon of NBA superstars. We discuss pantheons
some more until the MJ pantheon comes up and I tell them both how
I don’t think LeBron James’ pantheon is bigger than
Jordan’s but J-Bug disagrees wholeheartedly. It’s going
to be a long trip to Vegas!
"Weekend at Bill's, the
only place with more 80's pop culture references than a Family Guy
10:00pm – Stopping into a 7-11 to get a Coke and
cigarettes, I get into a light-hearted conversation with the alcoholic
behind the counter. He thinks Edgerrin James is going to “tear it
up” in Arizona while I remind him that I write 500 columns a year
for ESPN about the NFL. I proceed to tell him that Edgerrin is about to
enter the pantheon of Alpha Dog statuses and that if he’s not careful
then he may end up like Charlie Sheen in Young Guns next to the
Celtics dynasty. The clerk tells me to leave. I dropped a cigarette into
my Coke by accident. Stomach Punch Scale rating: 5
12:00pm – We arrive in Vegas so, natually, instead
of going into the casinos, we stand outside and talk about Ed Norton in
Rounders and how he was the best character in the entire movie.
This is why I love Vegas: you can do ANYTHING. A couple of nice-looking
ladies pass by us, one of them mistakes me for Andrew McCarthy. Vegas
is crazy. My head is spinning right now. Speaking of Vegas, do you remember
that scene in Swingers where Vince Vaughn is standing on the
table in that diner and yelling at Jon Favreau? Well, we just got done
eating at a diner JUST LIKE THAT ONE! And when the waitress came over,
I made a renaissance joke just like Favreau did at the casino. Does life
get any better than this? This steak is almost as chewy as Evander Holyfield's
ear. VEGAS BABY!
1:00am – I get
a hotel room and listen intently to the couple in the room next
to me. The woman is panting and moaning, which gives me a great
idea for my next column. I’m going to come up with some sort
of hook-up scale and mix in some quotes to a fairly well-known movie
like Boogie Nights or something like that. On this scale,
a 10 would be like when Woody Allen hooks up with anyone in any
movie because its just so unlikely that anyone could ever love him.
On the flip side, a 1 would be like the scene where Sharon Stone
shoves Joe Pesci’s frumpy cock in her mouth in Casino.
I call Mench, who calls J-Bug and we talk about it for another half
hour. J-Bug thinks it’s a great idea while Mench is being
a Grumpy Gus like always. Not sure where I’d rate this on
the Stomach Punch scale.
1:30am – Its time I go to bed so I shall
put this diary to rest. I begin dreaming about what it would be
like for readers if ESPN instituted their own Ewing Theory and dropped
me from their roster. It’s pretty comparable to Satan being
kicked out of heaven in The Bible. How do you think that
rated on the Stomach Punch Scale anyway?
"'Star of Casino
or the next guy you see on a Wednesday episode of Dateline:
NBC? What are you waiting for, Sharon? Suck his cock!"
Sports are crazy.