What is up? Van Smack in the house. Waiting. For your calls. You know the number. Clones, do yourselves a favor; don’t call me today. I have interviews. I have takes. They do not suck. What is your excuse. OK, Terrence from Sierra Madre is on the line. Terrence, what is up?

Jim, just gotta say how much I love the show. What is up with Steve Nash? Have you seen dude’s forehead? And what is up with the Lakers? More like Fakers if you ask me. Do you see what I did there? Also, Van Smack, gotta give some props to Bug-aha. The reason I call it that instead of Omaha is beyond me. Your show has so much smack, Jim. Can you believe it? Karl Malone. Wow. I mean, what is THAT? Alright Romey, I’m out.

Rack ‘em. That is one thing I will say. Karl Malone. What are you THINKING? Dude can’t just walk up to LA and say “Hey, let’s ride”. Karl, you CAN’T do that. Clones, that was a real call. I can’t even tell you. How much. It bugs me to have to sit and listen to you clones go on. And on. Just. I have better things to do. Back to the NBA. What are the Lakers thinking? Can’t LA do something? Can’t they bring in a coach that can coach and win championships? I guess that is a bit much to ask. And what the hell is up with Shaq? I’ve said for years and years that Shaq is just an overrated and overweight piece of GARBAGE. I am Van Smack and I say things that nobody else dares to say. What other radio host would insult Shaq? Heh. Phenomenal. That was so fresh. See, clones. When I give a take it does not suck. I may have said the same thing 30 times in the past hour but it’s still great. That’s the difference between us, clones. I make the takes and you suck. Back to the callers. Willie in KC, what is up?

"The fire behind me symbolizes my utter disregard for our society! Isn't that just outrageous or what?"

Thanks for the vine, Van Smack! War getting stuck in traffic. War falling down on the job while earning minimum wage and me sitting on the couch listening to your show and clinging to a very small existence that is me thinking up calls to memorize to validate myself. Dwight Howard? What is THAT? Maybe if the Orlando Magic could get off their ASSSSSSSSSSS then they could draft better. I’m out. Rack ‘em. Another. Quality call from Willie. In KC. Heh. You know, clones. I sit in the mirror every morning and just about cry because of this image that I portray. I think to myself, “Wow, Jim. If I could have just made it into the industry as my own person and not this shitty gimmick then I really could’ve had inner peace.” Heh. That is great. Could you imagine? Wow. Phenomenal. At the bottom of the hour I will announce who gets the 980th tour stop. It stopped being prestigious and lost all credibility a long time ago when we started giving the ducats out for free. I haven’t mentioned his name in this hour so I’ll go ahead and say it. Kareem Abdul-Jablunt. Heh. That’s great. Oh. Looks like the clones busted out on the e-mails.

"Your favorite hard-ass sports talk radio host that looks like he's 12 years old."

Dear Jim,

Do you need a drivers ed teacher?

Sincerely,
Bobby Hurley

That has to be our HUGE e-mail of the day. Quality. Wow. I like to krinkle up pieces of paper and throw them around and act as though they were real letters but they’re e-mails so it really doesn’t make any sense but this is radio and my whole life is a big lie. Bang your monkey.

	On the line with us right now is Los Angeles Lakers center Shaquille O’Neal. Shaq, it’s a pleasure.
	Hello, Jim
	Now Shaq, gotta say something big fella. Big fan. You are the only reason that Pistons series even went 5 games. You showed heart and true character. Now, some may say that you are overrated and even overweight! What do you say to people who say that?
	I just tell them I play hard.
	Heh. That’s great. Shaq, you are a wonderful human being. I see you with children all the time. That’s just awesome. Kids. Man. Heh. Could you IMAGINE? What is UP?
	What?
	Bang your monkey, Shaq. What is it that you love the most about playing basketball?
	I just love. The competition. It’s impossible for me to close my mouth for some reason. I have this monotone voice. It makes it very difficult for normal people to understand me. Drink Pepsi. When I smile it makes everyone forget that I haven’t participated in a conditioning drill in 5 years.

Thanks, Shaq. You see clones; that was a nice interview that wasn’t spoiled by you. There was nobody calling in and telling their jokes. It was just me attempting to interview a man that I just insulted. I know that I would never have the balls to confront him on that issue so I just pretend it never happened. I’m just a shrimpy radio host and this is what I do: sit here and act like I’m a tough guy. Bang your monkey. I’m out. War tour stops and war 2nd chances on ESPN.