By: Philadelphia guard, Allen "The Answer" Iverson
What is with this "why won't Iverson practice?" bullshit? I
mean, I am a NBA all-star! What have these people accomplished in their
lives who are oppressing me? I'm the shooting guard for the 76ers, fuck
you Ray Allen and your stupid commercial! I am hoping that I will be able
to clear up these misconceptions about me in this article.
First of all, I love being a NBA player. Where else in the world can I
be promiscuous and be married to a mongoloid and still be hailed a hero
by my city? Nowhere, that's where! Just the other day, I had 3 women and
2 men performing fellatio on me simultaneously! Where else can this happen?
Just a bad adult cinema and my job! Is anyone aware that I, once, won
the scoring title? It's true! This alone is a testament to taking lots
and lots of shots. On almost any team, I would be asked to take no more
than 20 shots in a game. Here in Philadelphia, the team was gutted and
created solely so I could get my 30 shots a game and shoot under 40%!
How can you not love that? The City of Brotherly Love is in love with
me and I am in love with it, folks. No one else would kill their franchise's
hopes of a championship so I could be happy getting my 30+ shots a game.
I love this game!
Secondly, are you aware I am a franchise player? You probably are not.
I'm sure you have heard my name mentioned as being a "bad boy"
and whatnot. I am here to say this can't me farther from the truth, my
friends. Since when are you not allowed to throw your unruly wife outside
when she won't shut up? This is the new millennium and I am above the
law, damnit. Fuck you for telling me I can't do what I want to do, I am
a grown man. If I want to pull a gun in the middle of a bowling alley,
then I will. If I want to loan my car out to my friends who have criminal
history, I will do it you motherfucker! Why should I conform to society?
I am who I am.
Also, are you aware that I am a shooting guard? I cannot believe Philadelphia
wanted me to play point guard? Sure, I played point guard in college,
but so what? Why in the world would you expect me to play it in the NBA?
Look, I may be only 6 feet tall and weigh 165 pounds, but that doesn't
mean that I can't play lock-up defense on a guy 5-9 inches taller than
me, does it? So what if he posts me up and scores 40 points on me, damnit
I'll score 45 on him on 15-40 FG's! As long as I outscore my opponent,
why does it matter? It's not like championship teams are built on defense
or anything. How many teams have won championships by holding the other
team to fewer points than itself? OK dumb question I suppose, but you
get my point don't you? I just want to score lots and lots of points!
It's about time they got rid of that Mutombo guy too, by the way. Sure,
he would rebound all of my misses and actually converted my terrible out-of-control
drives to the basket into second opportunities, by who needs that? Not
me, that's for sure!
And last, practice is a big issue in the popular world with me. I think
I've made it abundantly clear lately that I don't practice. In fact, I
don't even know my teammates' names. I'm completely clueless out there,
I used to know their names when I played lots of NBA Live, but the faces
in the game don't really look like my teammates' faces. I blame this completely
on EA Sports, help me out will ya? Anyway, why should I practice? The
offense is, literally, me. That's it, just me. What do I have to learn
anyway, myself? As long as I don't do anything stupid like blow my elbow
out, I'll be fine. Ohhh, oops, I heard something pop just now. Oh shit,
looks like I'm going to need surgery on my elbow again. Bah, fuck it,
I'll wait until training camp starts to have the surgery. Who needs conditioning
anyway? Suckers, that's who.