Scot Pollard Cracks Wise From End
By: Emilio Escobar
Being on the bench is
quite an experience. It’s like having a front-row seat at
a prime sporting event. Some of us are fortunate enough to be able
to pay the high prices to sit oh so close to our beloved heroes.
And some of us are just bad enough to be able to sit on the bench
and get a great seat while never worrying about having to enter
Scot Pollard, Indiana’s lovable backup center
and injury list mainstay, is one of these people. While many can
debate Pollard’s natural “talents” nobody can
deny his quirks and humor. Who doesn’t love a camera shot
of Pollard, in street clothes, of course, flashing a thumbs-up?
And who doesn’t love a good one-liner from your goofy 7-footer
that pulls down over $6 million a year? I know I do!
Even as a young college student at the University
of Kansas, Scot Pollard has always been successful. As Roy Williams
befuddled the entire state of Kansas by continuing to give Scot
precious minutes, Pollard amazed even his worst critics by turning
in painful postseason losses time and time again. Coaches love hustle
and, more importantly, a good joke or two! And the greatest joke
of all was Pollard’s game!
is something Scot Pollard did not do very often."
Upon joining the NBA,
Pollard quickly learned that you need talent in to play in the league.
“Yeah, I was pretty disappointed about hearing
that,” Pollard said. “But hey, I can give a hell of
a post-game interview so what does it matter? Not everyone needs
talent to be on a team. Just look at Ryan Bowen.”
Just as I thought Scot had finished a semi-coherent
thought, he tugged on my shirt, as though he were a 3-year-old child,
and piped up with a comment that began the downward spiral that
was my opinion of Pollard.
Pollard just posterized you with another verbal jab!!!"
“We’re all victims.”
What the hell does that mean? I still don’t know. It’s phrases
like these that make Pollard such a crack-up at the end of the bench for
Indiana. Teammates love his quips and humorous jockeying as they sit down
for a breather in a very tight game. He always keeps his allies on the
edge of their seat with his cunning wit while still not seeing a minute
of playing time. What keeps him so loose during these frantic times?
“Not being in the
game. Oh, and knowing that if the coach did decide to put me in
the game that he would be fired on the spot, no questions asked.
That’s pretty neat if you ask me.”
Once learning the valuable lesson of growing ridiculous
facial hair and never improving his basketball skill set, Pollard
gained stardom in Sacramento as (surprise!) a bench player. Standing
in front of the camera and desperately crying for attention and
seeking approval, Scot captivated an entire nation of both Kings
and NBA fans. Whether it was on the court just sticking his arms
in the air rather than actually guarding Shaquille O’Neal
in Sacramento’s most important playoff series ever or throwing
his white-trash hair up in a faggoty ponytail, Pollard won our hearts
just the same.
“He’s a pretty funny guy.” Pollard’s
new teammate, Stephen Jackson, said one day after practice. “The
weird thing, though, is that he doesn’t even play in practice.
He sits on the bench and shouts out these comments. If he slings
one out there that he feels is pretty funny then he writes it down
in this little book. Nobody knows what he does with the book or
anything because he sits on it.”
“And since we all know he never leaves the
"Here is Scot
in rare form: not sitting on the bench."
The book, which Jackson refers to, is Pollard’s
“Bible”. In it, you can see the progress he’s made from
a rookie to a grizzled veteran and walking injury waiting to happen. In
the first few pages, which are taken from his younger years in Detroit,
you can see where he has taken notes on moves in the low post and tips
on boxing out. However, a few pages over you will notice that absolutely
nothing is written on basketball and it’s become corny one-liners
and nicknames for the Los Angeles Lakers. Here and there you may find
a note or two written by Jason Williams, the star point guard of the Memphis
Grizzlies, in crayon.
When asked if he has
one memory that he will always cherish the most from his NBA playing
days, Pollard smirks.
“The day I was sitting on the bench in the
middle of the 2nd quarter and we were getting blown out by the Lakers,
I came up with the best idea. What if someone made a bumper sticker
that said something like, ‘I don’t suffer from insanity.
I enjoy every minute of it!’ Haha, isn’t that INSANE?
People are going to drive by and say ‘Woah! That guy is a
After Pollard rambled for 45 minutes, I asked him
to elaborate on actually playing in the NBA. He responded by giving
me a blank stare and asking what I did with the box of Cocoa Puffs.
Standing there utterly dumbfounded, my jaw simply dropped.
“Did you know that I go coo-coo for Cocoa
Puffs?” Scott asked, flapping his arms as though they were
As much as I wanted to, I didn’t hit him
and I didn’t strangle the life from his overpaid disgusting
body. I attempted to gather my thoughts and leave the room as quickly
as possible before being sniped by another blank that was supposed
to be a silver bullet of comedy.
goes coo coo for getting scored on."
Walking out of the interview room, I could still hear
Scot’s bird noises. Is this what drove Chris Webber to smoke pot
all the time? And why he snapped at reporters just for asking about Tyra
Banks? And why Peja Stojakovic is just too tired to perform when the playoffs
start? I need a fucking drink.
Now we know why Ron Artest is insane.