Scot Pollard Cracks Wise From End of Bench
By: Emilio Escobar


Being on the bench is quite an experience. It’s like having a front-row seat at a prime sporting event. Some of us are fortunate enough to be able to pay the high prices to sit oh so close to our beloved heroes. And some of us are just bad enough to be able to sit on the bench and get a great seat while never worrying about having to enter the game.

Scot Pollard, Indiana’s lovable backup center and injury list mainstay, is one of these people. While many can debate Pollard’s natural “talents” nobody can deny his quirks and humor. Who doesn’t love a camera shot of Pollard, in street clothes, of course, flashing a thumbs-up? And who doesn’t love a good one-liner from your goofy 7-footer that pulls down over $6 million a year? I know I do!

Even as a young college student at the University of Kansas, Scot Pollard has always been successful. As Roy Williams befuddled the entire state of Kansas by continuing to give Scot precious minutes, Pollard amazed even his worst critics by turning in painful postseason losses time and time again. Coaches love hustle and, more importantly, a good joke or two! And the greatest joke of all was Pollard’s game!

"Marching on is something Scot Pollard did not do very often."

Upon joining the NBA, Pollard quickly learned that you need talent in to play in the league.

“Yeah, I was pretty disappointed about hearing that,” Pollard said. “But hey, I can give a hell of a post-game interview so what does it matter? Not everyone needs talent to be on a team. Just look at Ryan Bowen.”

Just as I thought Scot had finished a semi-coherent thought, he tugged on my shirt, as though he were a 3-year-old child, and piped up with a comment that began the downward spiral that was my opinion of Pollard.

"Oh shit! Pollard just posterized you with another verbal jab!!!"

“We’re all victims.”

What the hell does that mean? I still don’t know. It’s phrases like these that make Pollard such a crack-up at the end of the bench for Indiana. Teammates love his quips and humorous jockeying as they sit down for a breather in a very tight game. He always keeps his allies on the edge of their seat with his cunning wit while still not seeing a minute of playing time. What keeps him so loose during these frantic times?

“Not being in the game. Oh, and knowing that if the coach did decide to put me in the game that he would be fired on the spot, no questions asked. That’s pretty neat if you ask me.”

Once learning the valuable lesson of growing ridiculous facial hair and never improving his basketball skill set, Pollard gained stardom in Sacramento as (surprise!) a bench player. Standing in front of the camera and desperately crying for attention and seeking approval, Scot captivated an entire nation of both Kings and NBA fans. Whether it was on the court just sticking his arms in the air rather than actually guarding Shaquille O’Neal in Sacramento’s most important playoff series ever or throwing his white-trash hair up in a faggoty ponytail, Pollard won our hearts just the same.

“He’s a pretty funny guy.” Pollard’s new teammate, Stephen Jackson, said one day after practice. “The weird thing, though, is that he doesn’t even play in practice. He sits on the bench and shouts out these comments. If he slings one out there that he feels is pretty funny then he writes it down in this little book. Nobody knows what he does with the book or anything because he sits on it.”

“And since we all know he never leaves the bench…”

"Here is Scot in rare form: not sitting on the bench."

The book, which Jackson refers to, is Pollard’s “Bible”. In it, you can see the progress he’s made from a rookie to a grizzled veteran and walking injury waiting to happen. In the first few pages, which are taken from his younger years in Detroit, you can see where he has taken notes on moves in the low post and tips on boxing out. However, a few pages over you will notice that absolutely nothing is written on basketball and it’s become corny one-liners and nicknames for the Los Angeles Lakers. Here and there you may find a note or two written by Jason Williams, the star point guard of the Memphis Grizzlies, in crayon.

When asked if he has one memory that he will always cherish the most from his NBA playing days, Pollard smirks.

“The day I was sitting on the bench in the middle of the 2nd quarter and we were getting blown out by the Lakers, I came up with the best idea. What if someone made a bumper sticker that said something like, ‘I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it!’ Haha, isn’t that INSANE? People are going to drive by and say ‘Woah! That guy is a nut!’”

After Pollard rambled for 45 minutes, I asked him to elaborate on actually playing in the NBA. He responded by giving me a blank stare and asking what I did with the box of Cocoa Puffs. Standing there utterly dumbfounded, my jaw simply dropped.

“Did you know that I go coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs?” Scott asked, flapping his arms as though they were wings.

As much as I wanted to, I didn’t hit him and I didn’t strangle the life from his overpaid disgusting body. I attempted to gather my thoughts and leave the room as quickly as possible before being sniped by another blank that was supposed to be a silver bullet of comedy.

"Scot Pollard goes coo coo for getting scored on."

Walking out of the interview room, I could still hear Scot’s bird noises. Is this what drove Chris Webber to smoke pot all the time? And why he snapped at reporters just for asking about Tyra Banks? And why Peja Stojakovic is just too tired to perform when the playoffs start? I need a fucking drink.

Now we know why Ron Artest is insane.