The Pistons Get No Respect
By: Detroit Pistons fans

 

 

 

Just a mere 2 months since our beloved Detroit Pistons have won the NBA championship and knocking off the supposed (we are really rolling our eyes here!) greatest team ever assembled known as the Los Angeles Lakers, Detroit is no longer the favorite to become the next great dynasty. How can this be? Who on Earth is controlling the media? I guess you guys didn’t see the NBA finals! They won, you know. They won 4 games to 1 and the Lakers were lucky to even win that 1 game if you ask us. This is such an outrageous assumption and we really feel that other NBA fans don’t know what they’re talking about.

Now some fans may say that Detroit limped into the NBA finals and was lucky to get there in the first place. LOL!!! What a bunch of stupid bullshit that is, let me tell you what! Sure, it may be true that Jason Kidd almost single-handedly took that rotten Nets team to the eastern conference finals on one leg but I mean whatever, you know? The Nets are yesterday’s news and holding opponents to 68 points a game is what’s really good for the NBA now. Those old Nets always like to take advantage of “easy” baskets. Well let me tell you something New Jersey; there is no such thing as an “easy” basket in the NBA! Detroit will make you work for every point you may luckily score and that’s how it’s going to be for a long time suckers!
"They shouldn't even call it a basketball they should just call it a Detroit Piston because we own it!"
 

Detroit boasts the greatest defense to ever slap and prod on any NBA court if you ask us. Whether it’s Tayshaun Prince flailing around like an ugly malnutritioned monkey or Rasheed Wallace pretending like he cares or even Chauncey Billups acting like he knows what he’s doing; the point is that the Pistons are a force on these courts. If you can’t score 70 points in an NBA game then you just suck, am I right? So what if we can’t score 70 either? We scored 69 and you only scored 65 so you suck and we don’t. Did you know that NBA teams used to score a lot less points a long time ago and basketball was still really good back then so I'm sure Detroit could beat them too. The Pistons are just way awesome and it's beyond explanation. Watching the Pistons lock up a team that couldn't score to begin with is just a joy to see. It's like watching a cat strangle a struggling mouse that already has a broken foot or something. Who doesn't enjoy good defense? A big jerk, that's who.

"No, Darko, the earing honestly looks pretty good =)"
What a lot of people don’t know is that our offense really isn’t that bad. Ben Wallace is actually a very accomplished scorer from up to three feet away from the basket and has a wide variety of low-post moves that would make Eric Montross drool all over his massive chin. Also, Corliss Williamson. Corliss Williamson. Let me repeat the name so you know who just scored on your ass: Corliss Williamson. The thing we love about The Big Nasty is how he can take any ordinary shot and turn it into an adventure. It’s his way of showing us, the fans, that scoring is too easy for him and he needs to make it challenging. What’s the fun in winning by 50 points every game, right? Being the dynasty we are and all I think it’s a pretty cool thing. James Edwards and John Salley used to do the same thing 15 years ago and we think it’s awesome that Corliss is carrying on that tradition. Huh? He got traded? Oh, well screw him then! Pistons Nation always thought he was just a ball hog and never did anything good for the team when he was on the floor. Did you ever hear of playing the game the right way, Corliss? We don’t think you did! Corliss has always been a huge hinderance to our team and we are all welcoming newcomer Derrick Coleman to our already-talented frontline full of former superstars. Can you imagine if they all got injured? I mean, Rasheed had his problems last season while Antonio McDyess has neverending knee problems and Coleman, himself, battles grotesque obesity among other things. Could this come back to haunt us? Pfffft, not even a concern. Last time I checked we still had Darvin Ham.
"Derrick Coleman will finally provide the low post leadership Detroit has been sorely lacking! Thanks, Corliss!"
Along with Wallace and Williamson we have our money clutch players in Richard Hamilton and Chauncey Billups, otherwise known as the Best Backcourt Ever. Billups is known for not being a “real” point guard, whatever that is! When we ask people to define what a real point guard is they immediately mention Jason Kidd. Earth to stupid NBA fan! Kidd didn’t even score against us in game 7 of the eastern conference semifinals! God, some people are so stupid it makes me want to just cry out in the name of Vinnie Johnson (The Microwave, for some of you Nets fans!). What we think a real point guard does is win ball games and if you were watching then you would notice that Detroit won 16 playoff games last season! I mean sure we had some trouble against Milwaukee, a team that had no business being in the playoffs to begin with, but we were just rusty. And we know that New Jersey almost beat us but so what? We didn’t ALMOST beat them, did we? Nope! And don’t even make us bring up Indiana because those guys just stink like something rotten. Once again, we are rolling our eyes here and our eyes have actually fallen into the back of our heads because they have rolled that far. No joke.
"6 years and $35 million for 6 feet and 35 missed shots a game!"

The other thing that made this team so special was that lovable group of CBA rejects known as our bench. It was so great to see Darvin Ham come in for 30 seconds and just win games for us with 30 seconds left in the first half and Tayshauun Prince on the bench with 3 fouls for slapping someone and calling it defense. It was really neat to see Lindsey Hunter run around the court trying to keep up with fellow CBA reject Damon Jones and a one-legged Jason Kidd and then get praised for being a shut-down defender. The job that Hunter did on Indiana’s explosive set of point guards was simply remarkable. The group of Jamaal Tinsley, Kenny Anderson, and Anthony Johnson will strike fear into any other point guard but they must not be drinking from the same fountain of youth that Lindsey drinks from! But if someone were to squeak by this tenacious 6 footer then Pistons Nation feels safe knowing that reserve big man Elden Campbell is there to pick up the foul and then stick his head out much like an ugly black goose.

And lastly, there is Darko Milicic. Pistons Nation loved to refer to Darko as the human victory cigar but he was much more than that. When the #2 overall pick in the draft wasn’t sitting in his hotel room feverishly masturbating to hard-core pornography or attempting to pierce his own ears, Darko worked very hard on his game. Being only 18 years old and having a hype machine behind him that almost nobody understood, Milicic took NBA garbage time by storm. Picking up a minute here and a foul there, Darko quickly learned that life in the NBA is not an easy one! Detroit fans from all over the world admired him as he would air ball a six-foot jumper and then pretend like he did not understand English when Larry Brown would sit him down.

Although we did win the NBA championship the Pistons Nation would like to say that Larry Brown sucks. Sure, he may have won the NBA title for a rotten city that barely appreciates anything and lives in a delusional world filled with Barry Sanders comebacks and ramblings of some sort of sport called “hockey”. However, he didn’t put Mike James in enough when Chauncey Billups wasn’t playing well and he completely forgot about Mehmet Okur in the NBA finals. What the hell kind of coach is that? A pretty bad one if you ask us!

"What do you have against Memo, Larry!"