Success: Is It For You?

By: The Denver Nuggets

"The Denver Nuggets: We Are Your Favorite New Kid!"

What is success, we ask? Is it taking your team to the top of the standings? Or is it believing in yourself when everyone thinks you're down and out? Or, could it be saying, "Hey guys, wait until next year when we're good!" every year. Here in Denver, Colorado we believe in rebuilding and all, but not for very long. Are you aware that the NBA considered us a franchise "on the rise" back in 1994? We know, we laugh about that as well. Upon hearing this, we quickly disassembled the team to rebuild. Now, you might be saying to yourself "why are you rebuilding? You just put the team together and it seemed you had a bright future". Well, what else would we have to strive for? You didn't think of that, did you?

Please take a look at some of these players we had in 1994:

Dikembe Mutombo
Reggie Williams
Brian Williams
Robert Pack
Bryant Stith
Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf

Alex English can either tell you about the 21, 654 points he scored in his career, or the 0 times he scored off the basketball court because he wore that uniform.


Now granted, some of these players turned out to be pretty good. We heard that Mutombo guy became an all-star somewhere and Abdul-Rauf heroically gave himself up in 2001 to have 70 virgins in eternal paradise. But Bryant Stith was a shooting guard who didn't like to shoot, Brian Williams was a nut case, and Reggie Williams looked like someone pulled him out of the trailer park. We had assembled the team, and we gave the city of Denver a little piece of success. We didn't want to hog all the success, so we wanted to get rid of Mutombo right away. Robert Pack was an exciting and entertaining player, so we got rid of him as well. We're sure the fans don't want entertainment, this is basketball for God's sake! If you want entertainment, go to a Globetrotter's game. This is Denver Nuggets basketball and, by golly, we have a job to do; kill our fan base.

Now, not too long ago we had accumulated another rather large amount of talent. We had just traded for all-star point guard Nick Van Exel, had a budding all-star power forward in Antonio McDyess, and drafted power forward Raef LaFrentz for some reason. Indeed, we were a team on the rise yet again. Being that we are in Denver, we cannot stand for this. Quickly, we fired the coach and replaced him with the most successful man on the face of the Earth, Dan Issel.

Have you ever heard of Byron Beck? Me neither, but his number is retired by the Denver Nuggets!

When Dan Issel came aboard, we here at Denver were somewhat scared because he was the coach when we were first labeled a team "on the rise" in 1994. Thankfully, he changed this but he did not do it soon enough as we actually made the playoffs that year and he was later fired. We called upon Dan again to do what he does best; fuck up the franchise. Dan went to work right away, calling a reporter "a fucking mexican". Before one season it was widely believed that we had a bright future yet again! EGAD! We, the Denver Nuggets, were astonished by this and asked Dan what to do and his answer was to sign Isiah Rider. Now, Isiah is very talented so we were perplexed by this response. We would find out soon enough that while Isiah is, indeed, talented, he is a complete asshole and a locker room cancer. SCORE! Later during Dan's tenure, our team actually staged a player mutiny and resulted in more team chemistry problems. For a team that was a preseason playoff contender, we quickly went down the tubes into lottery land and, thus, Dan was commended.

Here is the great Dan Issel! Some have compared him to the great Danny Ferry!

In 2001, we were absolutely floored when a free agent signed with us. But once we signed Mr. Avery Johnson, we were very impressed by his lack of talent. Because Mr. Johnson actually signed with us out of his own free will, we traded him to Dallas halfway through the year. For those of you who may or may not know the term 'loyalty' eludes us and we do everything in our power to show everyone. Another player that had minuscule talent actually signed a contract extension with us, Tariq Abdul-Wahad. You are probably thinking to yourself, "gee, I don't even know who he is". You probably don't, but we gave him a 7-year $49 million contract. Have we made it clear that we hate Denver yet?

So in conclusion, we really don't want to keep any kind of success here in Denver because then we will have to stay at or near that level. What we prefer is build a team into a team "on the rise" (not on purpose, mind you) and then tear that team apart and build a new one! It's no fun to see a team that was once very good turn into an utterly horrible team, so our premise is to just keep our team bad all of the time. Once in awhile, out of sheer luck, we get some decent players and sneak into the playoffs. But I assure you, we're not doing that on purpose. Sorry, Denver.

Pimpin' ain't easy!