An NBA Party!
By: Emilio Escobar

Thank goodness that the NBA season has finally started. I scouted a lot of teams and I just have some little notes that I’d like to share with everyone. These are just some predictions and a little bit of analysis I have picked up from the first few games of the year and the preseason:

I’ve heard the Robert Horry/Steve Kerr championship tidbit about 15,000 times now, it’s OK to stop mentioning it now.

The Boston Celtics have the worst starting point guard in the league while the Magic do not even have a center to start. Danny Ainge thinks he’s the best GM on the face of the planet by trading off his 2nd best player in exchange for another 3-point shooting power forward with an even longer contract. John Gabriel looked at his roster, saw that his only center going into the offseason was Steven Hunter, and said “hmmmm, looking good!” How do you just leave that roster alone? “Lets sign Juwan Howard!” Why not trade for Ron Mercer again? What a joke of a franchise Orlando is while Danny Ainge is just an arrogant shithead. Apparently Celtic fans don’t remember when Ainge sat around and demanded to be paid more than Larry Bird in the ‘80’s.

Opening Day! Love is in the air!

LeBron James’ commercial is about 18 years too long.

Do you think Darko Milicic even noticed that he’s not playing? Or do you think he’s still in his hotel room staying up all night ordering porn? Why didn’t his euro team hold him hostage in return for indoor plumbing? How long until he just becomes an alcoholic or just gets disgustingly fat?

Are Clippers fans excited about Glen Rice’s possible return???? Oh.

Someone needs to put a leash on Tyson Chandler because he looks like he’s ready to block someone’s shot and then rip their wrist off their hand and feed on the blood until midnight strikes. What the fuck is his problem? I’ve heard of being “passionate” about the game but he’s just nuts. How long until he becomes Ron Artest? One year, two years tops.

Doesn’t Kenny Thomas look like Nate Dogg?

We have run in a whole new era! Usually Bill Walton only sucks the Lakers players’ dicks but now he is all over LeBron James. In fact, Bill couldn’t even wait until an overtime game between the Knicks and Magic had ended. “Today is a special day for each and every one of us; for it is LeBron James’ first game.” Yeah, Bill. It ranks right up there with the couple times last week when I took a clean shit and didn’t need to wipe or anything. I was just as ecstatic as I am now about LeBron. He might end up being Michael Jordan or Magic Johnson or Peter Gabriel but for right now the kid looks brutal every other game. Are the Cavs going to be what the Wizards were last year: The horrible team with one marquee player that the league just has to show over and over? I’m just waiting on LeBron to blow out his ACL now and make the NBA look retarded.

Ray Allen: This ain’t yo momma’s Grant Hill!

Will Dick Bavetta have his referee jersey retired by the Lakers after he retires? Will he get a 10-day contract? Hell, he’s already their 6th man. In all seriousness, he should have his referee jersey since he’s responsible for at least two of their titles. He’s already responsible for one of their four wins this season. Maybe Dick should study law so he can let Kobe rape all the white women.

What’s with the home team wearing their away jerseys? Does the queer eye have an eye on the NBA, Tmac?

Kobe's wife: Timid Female of the Year

If I were a GM and I was just trying to figure out which players might turn out to be a draft bust so I’d know who not to draft, I’d ask the Warriors who they’re taking. I mean, wow. Just picture this as your starting lineup of Warriors draft busts:

C-Todd Fuller
PF-Joe Smith
SF-Jiri Welsch
SG-Mickael Pietrus
PG-Vonteego Cummings

The sixth man can be Adonal Foyle and Clifford Rozier could coach or something. Special guest referee will be Chris Washburn.

Now, who can be the starting lineup of players who Golden State has traded, you ask? Well, that lineup looks a lot better:

C-Robert Parish (Him and the draft pick used to get Kevin McHale for Joe Barry Carroll)
PF-Chris Webber (for Tom Gugliotta, who later became an all star after being traded from GS)
SF-Vince Carter (for Antawn Jamison, who became pretty good but was traded as well)
SG-Anfernee Hardaway (and THREE 1st round draft picks for Webber)
PG-Tim Hardaway (with future all star Chris Gatling for Kevin Willis and a guy named Bimbo)

So, that’s pretty good, Golden State. It’s a good thing you have Gilbert Arenas to build on. Oh…

Emilio Escobar is a contributing editor at

He can be reached at [email protected]