NBA 2K7: A Preview
By: Emilio Escobar
Times are rough at Visual Concepts nowadays. The old 2k series used to
have the ESPN name but now they have to rely strictly on gameplay. What
is a video game company to do? And now, with another company coming out
with “The Life”, a whole new aspect to sports games, the 2k
series has even more to compete with. So what is visual concepts to do?
Join them, apparently.
Your favorite NBA insider, Emilio Escobar, has obtained
an illegal copy of NBA 2K7 and let me tell you, readers: it is a treat!
It seems as though the company decided to keep the great gameplay and
then added the fantastic, revolutionary “The Life” aspect.
What features are in store? Have a look for yourself!
Get Your Coach Fired™ Mode
As you and your teammates continue to underachieve throughout
the season, whether it be because of personal or real reasons,
you can actually get your coach fired! Was your team just in the
Eastern Conference Finals the year before and now you’re
going through a franchise-killing 3-game losing streak? Get that
stupid coach fired! You can even appoint the Team President as
your new coach even though he walked out on the team 3 years ago
just before training camp and completely fucked the entire franchise
over. That’s all water underneath the bridge! Coming up
with lame excuses for firing the coach, such as saying the coach
needs to spend more time with his family, may be implemented in
next year’s version. Time can only tell.
Fired just for
losing 19 straight? What a bunch of baloney!
Find A Groupie™
You are a worthless white backup center for a title-contending team.
You know you won’t play very much this season so you split
your time writing a very unfunny internet blog and picking out groupies
in the stands who may satisfy your needs after the game. Find a
young lady who thinks you’re the bee’s knees and have
sex with her once and only once. If you contact her for anything
other than sex then your attributes will plummet. Did you bring
a condom? Will you pull out? Are you disgusted by giving women oral
sex? It's all up to you!
Snappy Nicknames™ Mode
In this mode, you are the eccentric, loud-mouth player who constantly
gives nicknames to players on the team, even though they really
wish you would shut your mouth. You’ve been to every league
on Earth, including the USBL, CBA, foreign leagues, etc., and you
should just be thankful for getting a guaranteed contract but you
take it upon yourself to constantly annoy viewers and reporters
with your dumb stories and nicknames. Thousands of nicknames are
stored in the game for you to forcibly place on teammates, including
“Retard”, “Fence Jumper”, and “Sock-Nosed
Google image search does all
of the work for me!
Paternity Suit™ Mode
Uh oh! You got that groupie pregnant! Not to worry, Paternity Suit™
mode comes with a tutorial and extensive instructions. Everything is explained,
from your saving of the used condom (or without, it is your choice!) to
the final pay-off, everything is included. Certain attributes you chose
while making your character will affect whether or not your character
will be housing any unwanted STDs.
In this brand new feature, you are instructed by hundreds of white
people to completely block out any sort of individuality you may
have and just answer any questions as boring as you can. Does a
reporter have a question about that paternity suit? Just mention
that you hope to have it behind you soon so you can focus on your
next game. Maybe a snooty journalist wants to know what you were
doing with his wife in the locker room before the game? Just state
that you played hard and that you played the right way.
"And whatever you do, do
NOT let them discuss your hair. That is PRIVATE matter. Got that?"
Fake Charity™ Mode
You are an NBA player and that means that you have to come up with some
ridiculous name for a charity that will never actually exist. Why was
this charity created? That's up to you! It could be a front for employing
your buddies from 'back in the day', a tax write-off, secret stash money
to pay off women, etc. Each time you create a fake charity, a new photoshopped
picture of yourself helping victims of a natural disaster are placed into
an overplayed commercial with the choice of your favorite Rob Thomas song.
Next year’s holiday season looks like a real doozy!