It’s pretty amazing to be a sports reporter in this day in age. I get to sit here on a computer and type up a neat little report, all the while every one of you get to read it. This reporter sometimes is handed assignments that he doesn’t always want to take. However, this assignment was extraordinary!

I got to spend an entire day with Adam Morrison! The next Larry Bird!!!

I know that some people doubt this young man’s absolutely phenomenal talent but I assure you that he is a top-notch superstar in the making. How many other basketball players are able to sometimes swish a midrange jumpshot? Not very many! And how many players are able to overcome a very minute and somewhat annoying disease like diabetes? Only Adam Morrison, that’s who! There are many players in the NBA who cannot cope with having STDs but here we all are, witnessing history in the making! It’s comparable to stepping on a piece of gum while you’re in the middle of playing a pick-up basketball game. It’s a minor inconvenience but you are probably able to overcome it. But you are probably white, so it makes this very small accomplishment that much more astonishing!

"Like a newborn cub killing his first live fish, Morrison is ready to feast on another small school that boasts nobody on their roster being over 6'6!"

As I step out of my Ford Focus, I shake hands with the greatest basketball player to ever grace this fine planet. What a firm handshake! In fact, I tremble with desire just from this very same handshake. Wow! The very fact that he is white and has diabetes but is still able to deliver such a firm handshake! It’s just crazy to me. The day continues with me meeting his teammates as they all joke with him about being a superstar. Once again, Adam Morrison is Mr. Humble and declines to take 100% of the credit for his success. What a man! I hope my kids grow up to accomplish half as much as he has. I wonder if he has a girlfriend!

The afternoon continues with me helping Adam prick his finger to take his insulin. But wait! That sure is an awful lot of insulin he is taking! I open my mouth to mention this, but Adam beats me to it. “The reason I double up on my insulin,” Adam mutters, “is because I have a sweet tooth”. This statement is followed by an adorable stare and then a subtle wink. Awwww. Just as he has captured the hearts of millions of basketball fans, he has captured mine. Its amazing how a simple young man with such a debilitating disease is able to wink at me. I cannot imagine how much courage it takes. Does Adam eat cereal in the morning? That would be incredible! A white basketball player with diabetes who is able to operate a spoon in a complicated environment such as a college campus. Simply amazing. Our day continues with Adam heading over to the basketball court for a one-hour practice session with the rest of the famed Zags team. Wind sprints followed suicide runs and then a scrimmage: first-teamers against the backups. Of course, Adam Morrison dominated the show. Despite not being able to get open, he was still able to force shots up and make 30% of them. Simply amazing. Why hasn’t Hollywood written a script yet? With Bill Raftery constantly grunting through it with his stupid catchphrases, I’m sure it would be a hit. The practice concludes with Adam and his teammates talking about some other fairly popular college basketball players who may be drafted this June.

"Elbows out of place. Thumb on the ball for some reason. Too skinny. Can't get open. Yep, definitely the next Larry Bird!"

“How ‘bout Rodney Carney over at Memphis?” asked teammate Derrick Ravio. “What do you guys [us, reporters!] think about him?”

Hardly any players actually ask for my opinion so I was both astonished as well as flattered!

“Well, he’s alright and all, but Adam is the real deal!” I proclaimed with pure confidence. “While Rodney may be able to dunk and all of that stuff, Adam is the next Larry Bird! He can shoot the basketball a little bit and he’s white. What else can I say? He’s the next Larry Bird.”

Oh yes, the talk of the town is Adam Morrison. He is the paint that makes the town red. He is the smell that you get in a new car. He is the hymen in that 15-year-old cheerleader who won’t stop crossing her legs in front of you. He is what makes college basketball so great. He is a white player with a lot of hype and is succeeding. Could he be the next Pete Maravich? Of course not, he was psychotic!! Adam Morrison is the next LARRY BIRD!

Our day concludes with myself taking Mr. Morrison out to dinner at an all-white establishment near campus. “I don’t want to go too far from campus because it gets awfully dark out there.” Good thinking, Adam. I didn’t even notice it but it was beginning to get a bit late! Not only is he athletically gifted but he is always thinking as well. How does someone like this come along and not get noticed until this year? I am fully convinced that he could become president of the United States if he really wanted to. Simply amazing.

In conclusion, what can I say? I hope you are just as utterly incredulous as to the amount of intestinal fortitude that this young man possesses. Each day as he awakes, he stares minor inconvenience in the face and says, “Go ahead, I dare you to make your move!” How does he do it? Does ice water run through his veins as he clumsily runs around a screen on his way to scoring 30 points on 30 shots? Efficiency is something that is not needed for players of Adam’s caliber, just like he has no need for a razor! With the mustache of a 14-year-old just hitting puberty and the hair that looks like a cancer patient’s wig, you just can’t lose! Except in the NCAA tournament :o)

"Choose your weapon, Adam!"