2005 NBA Mock Draft!
By: Chad Ford
Scouring the planet for little-known talent is what I do best. Being ESPN’s
Insider has its rewards but nothing is more rewarding than watching a
supple 7-foot 17-year-old boy from Serbia making threes. Watching his
muscles glisten against the dim lights of the gym, complete with one missing
wall and a guard instructed to shoot the teenager upon missing more than
2 shots in a row, gets me going in the morning like nobody’s business!
But why do I do it? Is it because I just genuinely enjoy the game of basketball?
Or maybe I have some sort of sick and twisted fetish for 18-year-old men
from Europe and Russia? Have you ever seen a creepy old guy who won’t
date anyone over a certain age even though that age is a lot younger than
they are? That’s sort of like me! Being above 20 years old is a
big no-no in my book! Now that you know about my basketball perversions,
lets get on with my mock draft that I spent upwards of almost 2 hours
1 – Milwaukee – Marvin Williams
The Bucks take Williams here because of his tremendous upside potential.
Coaches describe him as being a “great player” with no “experience”
but can “open a can like he shoots a jump shot” and won’t
ever end up “dead on the floor of a loved one’s floor”
like Len Bias. “Williams has a hell of an NBA body”, said
one prominent NBA GM whose name I never list because he doesn’t
actually exist. “He looked great when we saw him once at North Carolina.
We didn’t want to watch him again because it might spoil it for
2 – Atlanta –
Atlanta takes Bogut here because of his size and length. I realize
that size and length are the exact same thing but I list them separately
because I’m a journalist with journalistic integrity and so
on. Bogut may have a really hard time scoring against 6’8
centers in college but he sure can pass the ball, can’t he?
Isn’t that what you want out of your center? Who wants their
center to be able to score or hang onto a rebound? Racking up assists
is the way to do it! Nevermind the fact that he always gets the
ball snatched out of his hands constantly by guards, that’s
just part of his potential, size and length. Tremendous.
fans, that's not the lead singer of your favorite emo band. That's
your new starting center!"
3 – Portland – Gerald Green
What do you do when you’re the Portland Trailblazers and you’ve
taken two high school kids in the last two years of the draft? Take another
one! It can’t hurt! And they have so much room for growth on a Portland
team just clamoring for fresh meat. Green is absolutely awesome against
other 18-year-olds so I know it will all translate over to a game filled
with men in their mid to late-20’s! I never take into account that
he’s not strong enough to play a wing position or quick enough to
play the off-guard spot! He’s young so nothing else matters :o)
4 – New Orleans – Chris Paul
I know that New Orleans already has two pretty good point guards that
are already proven but I’m going to tell you that the Hornets will
take Chris Paul anyway! Why is that? Because I won’t shut my big
fucking mouth about how awesome he is! Did anyone else notice anything
that special about him? Any semi-intelligent basketball fan could see
that Paul was pretty good but not really anything super special. That’s
where I come in! I sit here in my big ESPN office making up retarded trade
rumors and going on and on about some random kid under the age of 20 being
able to dribble a basketball for a division I school and he’s great!
New Orleans, don’t bother resigning that proven Dan Dickau guy who
has gone through hard times left and right and finally found a home. Take
another point guard!
5 – Charlotte – Martynas Andriuskevicius
Forget those first four picks, they all stink. Let me tell you a little
something about Marty here: he is the greatest player to ever come out
of Europe. Don’t let his measurements of 7’3 and 140lbs fool
you, he is deceptively strong. This insider took two
milk jugs and filled them almost to the very top with water and the young
prospect was able to lift them both at the same time. Scouts walked away
with a puzzled look on their faces because they don’t know about
Marty yet. I gave him a basketball and he automatically began shooting
at the basket near me. This is basketball instinct. I didn’t tell
him to do a single thing and he already knew what I wanted. You can’t
teach that. Lottery talent and the head to match it. Great kid. I’d
suck his cock.
6 – Utah – Uros Slokar
I do realize that some teams don’t exactly have Uros very high on
their draft radar but this insider cannot figure out why. What’s
not to love about this gorgeous prospect with toned abs and a jumpshot
to match? And look at those biceps? How in the world did I end up sitting
in a wet spot? I don’t remember it being wet before.
7 – Toronto – Erazem Lorbek
Let me tell you a little something about this kid: he is persistent. Everyone
saw how awful he was while playing for Michigan State but he came out
for the draft anyway. Some people call that stupid but this insider thinks
that it was a great move. What other kind of exposure could this kid have
gotten? Smart move and a smart guy. Now everyone knows his name. And did
I mention he’s from Slovenia? His sexy accent is sure to attract
female fans to the arenas.
8 – New York –
It wouldn’t be a Chad Ford column unless I made a joke about
Isiah Thomas taking short power forwards! Kurt Thomas, Mike Sweetney,
Mo Taylor, Malik Rose and now Ike Diogu. Ike played center in college
at 6’8 so he may be very attractive to Isiah. Then again,
all you have to do to be attractive to Isiah is have a T-cell count
that is dramatically dropping by the day and have some sort of longing
for dead bodies. Are you able to gain over 100lbs while your white
and red blood cells wage war against each other? Maybe Isiah would
like to give you a little peck on the cheek then :o)
9 – Golden State – Tiago Splitter
I know that Golden State just needs a good shotblocking and rebounding
center in the middle and then they can begin to compete for a playoff
seed but this is Tiago Splitter we’re talking about. As you
may know, I went on and on about him last year but nobody would
give Tiago a first-round guarantee so he pulled his name out of
the draft. My question is how could anyone pass on Tiago Splitter?
Is it the fact that he has no offensive game and he’s an even
less polished version of Anderson Varajao? Or is it because you
don’t trust my judgment? It’s not easy being the greatest
talent evaluator in the world.
power forward prospects work out against one another."
10 – LA Lakers – Fran Vazquez
6’10. 230lbs. From Spain. Oh my god you just wanna touch him. Fran
has been turning heads around the NBA for quite awhile now. General Managers
from across the country have been asking me about him and I’ve been
telling them all the same thing: take him! Once he is drafted he has promised
to buy me a new hot tub and fix that leaky faucet in my kitchen. Fran
is quite the handy man and it translates over to the NBA court. The handyman
skills are much like the dominant center in the NBA: both require some
sort of talent. Don’t pass up this talent. He has talent all over
11 – Orlando – Charlie Villanueva
The Magic like tough guys and there isn’t a tougher guy in college
basketball than Charlie Villanueva. Charlie has had to overcome obstacles
in his life such as a poor work ethic, looks that could make Kyle Korver
miss a 3-pointer and not having any eyebrows for some reason. I followed
Charlie around for an entire day last year and he constantly ordered pizza
and fingered fat chicks. I know he has changed his whole attitude and
he’s ready for the league. Fingering fat chicks is a humbling experience.
Having that sweaty smell on your fingers for up to 3 days is something
that no player with any more than a year of college experience should
have to endure. But Charlie has. Toughness oozes out from Charlie’s
12 – LA Clippers – Randolph Morris
By skipping the last 3 years of college, Randolph has shown the NBA that
he is ready for anything. Watching him struggle to grasp any sort of basketball
concept besides lunge his crisp, strong, lean, supple body into other
naughty freshmen and sophomores was a real joy to see. Some may think
that he left college too soon but I’m glad he’s not an amateur
anymore. Very glad.
13 – Charlotte – Rudy Fernandez
When I saw Rudy Fernandez play basketball I felt something that I haven’t
felt before in a long time. Rudy made me feel special just by dribbling
a basketball. It was something I really cannot describe while typing over
a computer and having Fran Vazquez rubbing my back with special lotion
that seeps into my brain. My hands tingle as Rudy makes another free throw.
My legs go numb when I see him bank a layup off of the top square of the
backboard closest to him. So fundamentally sound. So graceful and agile.
Such long legs on that tall drink of water. Great calf muscles that you
could eat off of. Bulging biceps. A groin that would never tear in a million
years under my watchful eye. He has star written all over his chiseled
14 – Minnesota – Martell Webster
Kevin McHale admired how Martell Webster practiced yesterday as he was
shooting free throws by himself. “The kid really knows how to shoot.
I watched him make 8 in a row.” What Kevin may not know is that
Martell Webster tested positive for the HIV virus. When asked about the
positive test, Martell pretended to play dumb just like he usually does.
What does Martell have to hide? When this insider called him early this
morning for comment, Martell did not answer his phone. This could certainly
drop his draft stock if he doesn’t start calling people back and
telling people about his test results before they sleep with him.
15 – New Jersey
– Deron Williams
How awful of a basketball player do you have to be to have to stay
in college for more than two years? Pretty terrible if you ask me.
Deron has no offensive ability at all and, worst of all, one parent
of his is white and the other is black. What the hell is that? Why
not just put peanut butter and lobster in a sandwich too? Deron
can go to hell as far as I’m concerned. And that’s exactly
where he’s heading in my mock draft hehe.
16 – Toronto – Danny Granger
Rafael Araujo needs someone to keep him company on the bench so
it might as well be another loser from college who couldn’t
leave the NCAA circuit. This terrible waste of a human being stayed
in college for all 4 years! What an idiot! I guess he really enjoyed
staying in that stupid dorm room with all of those girls. Doesn’t
he like money? I don’t understand it at all. Maybe nobody
told him that he could be paid money in exchange for playing basketball?
I didn’t bother scouting him because he’s old enough
to drink and that just creeps me out, to be quite honest. It’s
bad enough that he already knows right from wrong.
17 – Indiana – Chris Taft
Might as well draft another ugly fuck to replace the one that just
you have to fulfill your potential in college anyway?"
18 – Boston – Raymond Felton
Boston may be shocked that Felton lasted this long but, quite frankly,
I’m not. Felton is a terrible shooter, very slow, not tough, and
doesn’t have any upside whatsoever. He wasn’t a winner in
college and couldn’t score consistently. Insider talked to a source
very close to Felton and he told me that sometimes when Raymond goes to
sleep he sometimes curls up into a fetal position. I took this analysis
to a sports psychologist who then referred me to a very prominent baker
in the Los Angeles area and he said something is up with that. Watch out,
Boston. Raymond Felton is not a ballplayer, he is a sissy.
19 – Memphis – Stefano Mancinelli
For those of you who do not know very much about Stefano, I took the liberty
of creating my own scouting report for him. He has great range on his
jump shot, can jump almost 4 feet in the air, has large, quick hands,
very mobile and almost never misses from 3-point range. So maybe you are
wondering to yourself, “Chad, why is he rated so low?” The
answer is, basically, I don’t know. I looked for flaws in things
like his personal life that may deter an NBA team from selecting him in
the first round. I analyzed everything from his spending habits to the
way he sleeps (fetal position). I took these results to Dr. James Padilla
of the Sports Psychology and Medicine department at MIT and he told me
that he not only looks tough but he has star written all over him. General
managers are really missing out on a great kid.
20 – Denver – Sean May
May is much too fat and out of shape to play the game of basketball. I’ve
asked for second opinions around the league and, even though I was hard
pressed to find one, I did find one in Johnathan Scalderbeck, a high school
student set to graduate in 2007 and self-proclaimed “biggest NBA
fan”. Johnathan said he also looked fat and I told him that, for
such a young kid, Johnathan didn’t look fat at all. We talked about
the NBA some more while having drinks at my place. We still agree that
Sean May is too fat to play in the NBA.
21 – Phoenix – Andrew Bynum
Bynum has what some of us in the industry call “baby fat”
but that should not prevent him from scoring on teams this upcoming season
at will. Bynum will be able to use his size to bully opponents around
the basket and get himself into better position to score. Being bulky
is essential and very critical of a post player in the NBA and Bynum definitely
has it. He also has great upside in his hands and soft skin.
22 – Denver –
Too short and too black to play in the league. What this league
needs is less players like Nate Robinson. Robinson is everything
that is wrong with the NBA. Everything from his strutting on the
court to his dunking and then his athletic and leaping ability.
Don’t even get me started on his suspect jump shot. Nate Robinson
is all image and he needs to stay away from the NBA. Nobody will
draft him. I hope a drunk driver runs over Nate’s short stumpy
23 – Sacramento – Hakim Warrick
When is the last time that a 6’8 string-bean of a power forward
succeeded in the NBA? Never, that’s when! You should’ve
came out of college when Carmelo came out, Hakim. You’re nothing
but a much-improved bitch of a basketball player you piece of shit.
You are everything that is wrong with the game of basketball. Winning
a national title at Syracuse is stupid.
"Here is Nate
Robinson making white people scared again. He's too black for the
NBA and it may hurt the game. Don't do it, Denver!"
24 – Houston – Charlie Villanueva
The thing I really like about Charlie is his pure toughness. People always
tell me that I’m repeating myself when I tell this story but that’s
because it’s such a great story: Charlie came into the University
of Connecticut as a player who had a “questionable work ethic”,
whatever that means. He came away as a winner of a national championship
(an absolutely invaluable experience that cannot be measured in terms
of NBA draft intangibles) and so improved that he became a starter. I
don’t know of very many starters for basketball teams that have
“questionable work ethics” because they obviously had to work
in order to start. It’s just simple logic.
25 – Seattle –
Joey Graham can go to hell as far as I’m concerned. I was
walking down the street with my grandmother, who is a very active
84 years old, and Joey pushed her into a puddle of mud and told
me to go fuck myself. I was startled at first that anyone could
do such a thing. Luckily, my keen eye caught the fact that the kid
in question was wearing an Oklahoma State basketball jersey and
it had the same number that I think I remember Joey Graham having.
Obvious character issues.
26 – Detroit – Linus Kleiza
What people may not know about Linus is that he has a heart of gold.
This young man helped pick my grandmother up when she was lying
facedown in a puddle of mud (thanks to All-American loser Joey Graham)
and his smile brought a certain unforgivable happiness to my world
again. I asked him what his name was and it wasn’t Linus Kleiza
but it was close enough. What a great young man. Detroit should
27 – Utah – Wayne Simien
Let me tell you a little something about Wayne Simien that you may
not know: he doesn’t vote and he eats red meat. Need I say
more? I also saw him jacking off in the bathroom before his draft
workout with Detroit. Would you spend a 1st round draft pick on
a guy who jacks off in a dirty bathroom in Detroit? Also, he may
or may not agree with a socialist’s point of view. I asked
him about that earlier and he asked me to move on to the next question.
What are you trying to hide, “Wayne”?
Joey Graham shortly after he left my grandmother for dead in a puddle
of wet dirt. Fuck Joey Graham. Go back to Africa you stupid porch
28 – San Antonio – Andray Blatche
What a brute force in the paint. I just got done watching this kid tear
everyone up in a game of 21 and I was astonished by his overall mastery
of the game. God he smelled so good too. He has this innate ability to
make me laugh all the time too. Not even a giggle but a real hearty laugh.
I haven’t felt that way since Maude died so many years ago. Anguish
has consumed my soul much like a college senior consumes overall failure.
What to do? I’ve had my heart broken so many times before. Why should
I let another one break me? I have so much going for me. But no, I am
strong. I’ve fought the hard battle before. My battlefield is Microsoft
Word and my hands (with this bottle of Skin So Soft) are my weapons. Can
I sacrifice my plan for, perhaps, ‘the one’? A single tear
tumbles down my cheek, much like Shaquille O’Neal tumbled down the
Billboard charts some 10 years ago. What has become of me? This journalist
needs a break and who are you to thwart him? Where have you gone, Darko?
My body aches for your bleached hair and pierced ears!
I don’t even care about these last two draft picks.
I have two train tickets to Las Vegas and nobody can stop us. Andray and
I are going to make love on the train and everywhere else that our hearts
desire. I have finally found my one-way ticket to happiness in the form
of a very tall black man with a penis that could knock over a small building.
It’s veins consume me. It’s foreskin speaks to me; it says
This has all been very fun but I must go. Marc Stein
just caught my garner belt and Andray is waiting downstairs. He is very
impatient! I just wish he would grow up :o)