I couldn’t be happier! Today my four long years of hard work and dedication culminated in a six-year $48 million pact with my third team in four years, the Portland Trailblazers. It’s been a long and adventurous tour of duty for me here in the NBA and I just feel so relieved that I got this out of the way. I’ve spent countless hour practicing my head pound thing (which never caught on as much as I would have liked) and even starred in a movie in the past four years! That’s quite an accomplishment if you ask me! But even Darius Miles has his detractors and I still cannot honestly say that I understand this.

First of all, I do practice my shooting. I hired a shooting instructor last year and, if you can read, you will see that I shot 48% last year! I mean it’s not like I’m getting nothing but dunks like I did my rookie year in Los Angeles. Sometimes I drive to the basket awkwardly and get a lay-up now. When I was with Cleveland I even took a jump shot or two but those weren’t falling so I decided to ditch that bullshit. Nobody else in the country can shoot so why bother? I make $48 million dollars, you know.

Being the former #3 overall pick and all it can be pretty easy to see why I have such high expectations. Did you know that I was compared to Michael Jordan coming out of high school? Heh, you can forget about that! Did Michael Jordan average 12 points per game over the last two months of this past season? Hell, I don’t think Michael even PLAYED last year? What are you scared of, Mike? Scared that Darius Miles can take you one-on-one and dunk on your shriveled up Gatorade-drinking Hanes-wearing ass? I’d do that and I would even give you a Darius Miles double-forehead pound™ for good measure! Is it OK if we only play up to 12 though?

Another thing that really bothers me today is the complete lack of fundamentals in the game. How often do we see another high school kid, who has a lot less talent than I had, go through the NBA and not even learn how to dribble? How can you not know how to dribble the basketball? Someone really should tell these kids that you need to dribble the basketball if you want to get to the basket and score! I mean, I was a point guard for the Cleveland Cavaliers so I know I'm an excellent ballhandler. I can slash through defenses like they're Paul Pierce's chest but the game isn't just about that. You have to be able to pick apart an NBA defense, something that I am very experienced in. If you throw a zone or a man-to-man defense at me I don't give a fuck because I'm scoring either way; and I'm not doing no pussy shit like taking a jump shot. Go hard to the basket or don't bother getting drafted out of high school.

But back to the original topic, me skipping a practice today. Seeing as how I am now $48 million richer I think I might go take a trip to the local mall here in Portland and buy a suit or two. You know, to look sharp and stuff like that. I think I might fly in some of my friends from St. Louis and have a party or something. Maybe I'll show them my new dunk, which I like to call "The Job" because they ain't never seen nuthin' like it! I know you like that. Hell, I might even give Tim Grover a call and act like I give a shit about learning how to shoot the basketball or something.

In conclusion, I just really wanted to let everyone know that I am definitely going to bust out next year, my 5th annual break-out year, and take the league by storm. I am going to show everyone what dunking on a fast break after cherry picking is all about. I'm going to lag so far back on defense that it won't be anyone's business! I feel confident that averaging 12 points per game over two semi-critical months of a playoff push are exactly what I need to make everyone forget that I am a horrible draft bust and that I have shown absolutely no desire to improve my game at all. I look forward to Portland embracing me for the next couple of months and then, in complete and utter disgust, trading me to Golden State, who will then trade me and then I will become an all-star.