I Think I’ll Skip Practice Today!
By: $48 Million Forward Darius Miles
I couldn’t be happier! Today my four long
years of hard work and dedication culminated in a six-year $48 million
pact with my third team in four years, the Portland Trailblazers.
It’s been a long and adventurous tour of duty for me here
in the NBA and I just feel so relieved that I got this out of the
way. I’ve spent countless hour practicing my head pound thing
(which never caught on as much as I would have liked) and even starred
in a movie in the past four years! That’s quite an accomplishment
if you ask me! But even Darius Miles has his detractors and I still
cannot honestly say that I understand this.
First of all, I do practice my shooting. I hired
a shooting instructor last year and, if you can read, you will see
that I shot 48% last year! I mean it’s not like I’m
getting nothing but dunks like I did my rookie year in Los Angeles.
Sometimes I drive to the basket awkwardly and get a lay-up now.
When I was with Cleveland I even took a jump shot or two but those
weren’t falling so I decided to ditch that bullshit. Nobody
else in the country can shoot so why bother? I make $48 million
dollars, you know.
a game of Around the World?"
Being the former #3 overall
pick and all it can be pretty easy to see why I have such high expectations.
Did you know that I was compared to Michael Jordan coming out of
high school? Heh, you can forget about that! Did Michael Jordan
average 12 points per game over the last two months of this past
season? Hell, I don’t think Michael even PLAYED last year?
What are you scared of, Mike? Scared that Darius Miles can take
you one-on-one and dunk on your shriveled up Gatorade-drinking Hanes-wearing
ass? I’d do that and I would even give you a Darius Miles
double-forehead pound™ for good measure! Is it OK if we only
play up to 12 though?
Another thing that really bothers me today is the
complete lack of fundamentals in the game. How often do we see another
high school kid, who has a lot less talent than I had, go through
the NBA and not even learn how to dribble? How can you not know
how to dribble the basketball? Someone really should tell these
kids that you need to dribble the basketball if you want to get
to the basket and score! I mean, I was a point guard for the Cleveland
Cavaliers so I know I'm an excellent ballhandler. I can slash through
defenses like they're Paul Pierce's chest but the game isn't just
about that. You have to be able to pick apart an NBA defense, something
that I am very experienced in. If you throw a zone or a man-to-man
defense at me I don't give a fuck because I'm scoring either way;
and I'm not doing no pussy shit like taking a jump shot. Go hard
to the basket or don't bother getting drafted out of high school.
I choose you! To be traded again!"
But back to the original
topic, me skipping a practice today. Seeing as how I am now $48
million richer I think I might go take a trip to the local mall
here in Portland and buy a suit or two. You know, to look sharp
and stuff like that. I think I might fly in some of my friends from
St. Louis and have a party or something. Maybe I'll show them my
new dunk, which I like to call "The Job" because they
ain't never seen nuthin' like it! I know you like that. Hell, I
might even give Tim Grover a call and act like I give a shit about
learning how to shoot the basketball or something.
In conclusion, I just really wanted to let everyone
know that I am definitely going to bust out next year, my 5th annual
break-out year, and take the league by storm. I am going to show
everyone what dunking on a fast break after cherry picking is all
about. I'm going to lag so far back on defense that it won't be
anyone's business! I feel confident that averaging 12 points per
game over two semi-critical months of a playoff push are exactly
what I need to make everyone forget that I am a horrible draft bust
and that I have shown absolutely no desire to improve my game at
all. I look forward to Portland embracing me for the next couple
of months and then, in complete and utter disgust, trading me to
Golden State, who will then trade me and then I will become an all-star.
"I hope Quentin is watching!"
I can't wait for next season! Can you?