I Have Finally Acquired Salary Cap Space!
By: Scott Layden

"No that is not a picture taken from a 1950's smoking ad. That's me about to trade Kurt Thomas and Charlie Ward to a very lucky soul!"

Well friends, I have finally got the GM thing down pat! For the first time in my life I can honestly say that I have it all figured out. For years, when I was molding the New York Knickerbockers into a 36-win monster of a basketball club, I have been dogged with a reputation of sorts. You see, friends, even in the National Basketball Association one can still get a bad rep of sorts. Sure you may have made it to the big leagues but there’s always some little ham-and-egger trying to claim your rightful spot at the top of the totem pole. I have taken the country’s most overexposed professional basketball team and taken them to disappointing mediocrity time and time again and, in fact, made an art out of it. The Knicks were just a bad team though and it was really not my fault that they turned out so bad. They kept giving me bad players and I kept giving them money. That was the deal and we stuck to it. Now they’re giving me this “Scott, you didn’t get us any cap space” bullshit and I’m sorry but fuck you James Dolan. The point of this article is to let the public know that, with my dismissal as GM of the New York Knicks, I have finally acquired salary cap space… in my wallet!

My wallet and I had a press conference this afternoon and announced the good news together. We stood side by side and smiled at the glistening cameras as though they were speaking to us. One by one we answered the grueling queries with a smile and an informative answer.

“Scott, is this a joke?” One ugly Jewish reporter asked.
“No sir, it is not.” I replied. “I really have acquired cap space.”

The questions were never-ending and the day was so boring and mundane it seemed as though it were a James Cameron movie. As the press finally let up I gave them my closing statement:

"You see, I'm like a bear and I got these fucking claws! But I just don't know how to use 'em! That's what its like being the GM of the Knicks!"

“While I enjoyed being the GM of the New York Knicks, I must say that this experience I just had was enlightening. My wife, who has taken a tremendous cap hit on my life expectancy, was very disappointed and distraught upon learning of my unfortunate dismissal but this we will take it in stride. I won’t blame Latrell Sprewell and Allan Houston for underachieving or anything like that. Don’t sit there and think to yourself ‘Woah, that Scott Layden guy is one crazy happenin’ dude who’s ready for anything’ because I’m not! I have priorities and I don’t want anyone messing with my fucking children. Do you fucking got that? Because I’ll fucking gut you. I won’t even hesitate to take this fucking knife and shove it into your lifeless heart you cocksucker. And why the hell did David Stern allow Sam Cassell to take the role of Gollum in Lord of the Rings? This fucking tie is so tight on me, I need some air. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry! I start making trades! Hey, I’m just kidding folks!”

“Anyway, the point is that my wallet and I would like to thank the New York Knicks for giving us the opportunity to finally show us what this cap space thing is all about and by hiring the Dr. Frankenstein of the NBA himself, Isiah Thomas, to be my successor. Thank you.”

"One of my precious children attempt to take Sam Cassell's precious from him. That's a no-can-do Howard Eisley!"