Kobe Signs With LA
By: Emilio Escobar

As is always the case Emilio Escobar is here to break the news wire wide open! I have just gotten off the phone with The Insider, who is in Europe scouting more and more players, and he says that it has been confirmed: Kobe is signing with Los Angeles. Bryant is expected to have a press conference tomorrow afternoon sometime upon which he is expected to go over a few of the rather odd clauses he requested be written into his contract.

The signing comes as a shock only to other Los Angeles fans: Clippers fans, that is. However, you may be surprised to learn that there are even more Los Angeles basketball fans who are disappointed by this head-turning transation: Los Angeles Lakers fans.

That’s right. Kobe Bryant is a Los Angeles Spark.

Late Wednesday night Kobe Bryant agreed to a max NBA contract with a WNBA franchise. The reasoning?

"How many fingers did you stick in her, Kobe?"

“I didn’t want to play in the same league as Shaq.” Kobe stated. “It may sound a little silly and childish but if you think this sounds childish then just read over my entire NBA career. First, I refused to play for the original team that drafted me and demanded that I be traded to the Lakers. Secondly I ran off Del Harris and complained constantly about having to play point guard even though it was the best way for me to get minutes at the time. Third, I forced Eddie Jones out of the organization even though, at the time, he was much better than I was. Fourth, I refused to concede that the Laker championship teams, despite the well-known fact that just about every team that won a title had a dominant big man unless that team contained Michael Jordan, belonged to Shaq. In doing so I hindered the Lakers as a team throughout the years by taking far too many shots and not giving the ball to the most dominating force on the planet. And lastly, I ran a coach out of town who just happened to have won 9 championships.”

“So when you take all of that into account then you probably won’t be so shocked by this. Also, I did rape that girl.”

The media has been in an uproar ever since learning of this signing. Newspapers in Los Angeles are confused, heartbroken and, at the same time, excited.

“Yeah, I mean, it’s Kobe, man.” said lead mailroom clerk Benny Bass. “As long as we have Kobe then we’re taking it all the way. Go Lakers!”

"Which tattoo symbolizes your utter disregard for monogamy, Kobe?"

“Wait a second. The Sparks? What the fuck?”

“What the fuck?” seems to be a very common response throughout my venture in the quaint little town known as Los Angeles, California. Everywhere I turned there were crack addicts and other derelicts up in arms over the very controversial inter-league signing. A few were excited while a few were not even aware that the Lakers did not win the NBA championship last season.

“We love Kobe Bryant!” said a very energetic Stanislav Medvedenko, who claims to have actually been a member of the Los Angeles Lakers but this has yet to be confirmed. “Kobe does moves on court like Michael Jordan. I like Jordan, don’t you? Yes to Michael! Kobe! I need more shots! Where is ball? No?”

As reported earlier, the clauses and details of the contract are very odd and may be setting a precedent. Some of the details of this blockbuster deal are as follows:

"Rik Smits blocked Kobe's shot? That calls for a new tattoo!"

-None of the other members of the Los Angeles Sparks are to make direct eye contact with Kobe Bryant. Failure to do so can result in a fine or suspension.
-Kobe is to get “reasonable” creative control of the Los Angeles Sparks’ franchise. What does “reasonable” actually mean? Most likely it means that he will get to come up with better commercials for the WNBA than the current Fifi Dobson “Give it Up” campain.
-Ruth Riley and Rebecca Lobo are to share the same stable and oat bag.
-Bryant gets first choice of the Sparks’ draft picks along with their model measurements and whether they are likely to “sniche” or not. Upon learning that the WNBA does not test for these sort of things Bryant was at a loss for words. He began crying and bought the WNBA commissioner a $4 million ring and was then granted permission to test for such things.
-Bryant is required to take no less than 25 shots per game.
-Under no circumstances is Tayshaun Prince allowed to be within 50 yards of Mr. Bryant.
-Colorado is to be destroyed and become the sovereign nation known as “Pepsi”.

When asked whether he was finally happy, Bryant had only one comment.

“I finally have my dominant post player in Lisa Leslie.”