I'm Suing!
By: Los Angeles G/F Kobe "Rape?" Bryant

As many of you know by now, I have been accused of raping a 19-year-old girl who had a hell of a body. I just want to let it be known that I did, indeed, rape that girl and I apologize sincerely. I wasn't aware that having sex with a girl without asking her if its ok was still against the law so I suppose I should take part of the blame on this one but not entirely. See, I'm going to sue this girl because she ended up hurting me more than I could ever hurt her. What I'm trying to explain is by her not consenting to have sex with me I had to force this girl to copulate with me. In doing so I re-injured my shoulder and knee, both of which I am still in rehabilitation for. While it may be true that I did "rape" her, she is not the only victim in this crime of passion!
I'm innocent. Drink Sprite

How many times have you come home from a long day at the office and you just wanted to have a little ass play and then your stupid bitch of a wife won't comply because she's too tired from taking care of your 5 children? I'm sure it happens quite often and I like to think of myself as somewhat of a hero. How many men have the courage to be able to ignore a woman's wishes against your request for coitus? Not many, that's for sure! I prefer to believe that I took one for the team and the team I'm playing for is the male gender. No longer should we have to be able to take no for an answer. My balls are dry god damnit!

Furthermore, the situation has been blown out of proportion a bit. Some people think that this girl is just out to get money. While this may be true, I have admitted that I did, indeed, have sex with her. There are other rumors that I was having plain old boring intercourse with her and I wanted some sweet delicious sodomy but the girl turned down my polite request resulting in my forming my right hand into a first and placing it against her head repeatedly at a very rapid rate. I can't tell you how much further this could be from the truth. I was trying to place my genitalia into her vagina and she wouldn't stop squirming from a combination of the roofies, alcohol, heroin, ramen noodles, and eye of newt. I tried to put my hand over her mouth so that she wouldn't wake others up and, in doing so, I injured my shoulder. In the heat of passion I was able to overcome this slight inconvenience and continue on my quest to rape a white woman and for this I should be commended (but the media says otherwise!). You may be asking, "Hey Kobe, how did you injure your knee?" Well, that's a good question. See, I was jerking off in front of the toilet the next day and my damn knee gave out and I hit my head on the toilet bowl. But while I was doing this, I was thinking of the girl so in an indirect way it was her that injured my knee, right?
I don't think I need to explain anything in this picture at all.
And finally, about the ring, it's just a coincidence. My wife is actually very cool about this whole "rape" thing. She's so cool about it that I had to buy a $4 million ring for her so that she wouldn't leave me. I'm a free agent next summer and my entire salary for the first three years just goes directly to her along with whatever money I make while filming ridiculously overplayed Sprite commercials. Have I mentioned how delicious and refreshing Sprite is? Well, it is! And I'm not saying that just because Sprite has mysteriously stopped playing my commercials since I committed that "crime", I'm saying it because the public needs to know!
Here I am making sure that the jersey Mr. Iverson is wearing is actually his. If it's not, Allen knows what he has coming to him! Let's just say I have an unusual fetish for brown eyes!


So anyway, I hope that clears things up.