By: Los Angeles G/F Kobe "Rape?" Bryant
||As many of you know by now, I have been
accused of raping a 19-year-old girl who had a hell of a body. I just
want to let it be known that I did, indeed, rape that girl and I apologize
sincerely. I wasn't aware that having sex with a girl without asking
her if its ok was still against the law so I suppose I should take
part of the blame on this one but not entirely. See, I'm going to
sue this girl because she ended up hurting me more than I could ever
hurt her. What I'm trying to explain is by her not consenting to have
sex with me I had to force this girl to copulate with me. In doing
so I re-injured my shoulder and knee, both of which I am still in
rehabilitation for. While it may be true that I did "rape"
her, she is not the only victim in this crime of passion!
I'm innocent. Drink Sprite
How many times have you come home from a long day at the office and you
just wanted to have a little ass play and then your stupid bitch of a
wife won't comply because she's too tired from taking care of your 5 children?
I'm sure it happens quite often and I like to think of myself as somewhat
of a hero. How many men have the courage to be able to ignore a woman's
wishes against your request for coitus? Not many, that's for sure! I prefer
to believe that I took one for the team and the team I'm playing for is
the male gender. No longer should we have to be able to take no for an
answer. My balls are dry god damnit!
|Furthermore, the situation has
been blown out of proportion a bit. Some people think that this girl
is just out to get money. While this may be true, I have admitted
that I did, indeed, have sex with her. There are other rumors that
I was having plain old boring intercourse with her and I wanted some
sweet delicious sodomy but the girl turned down my polite request
resulting in my forming my right hand into a first and placing it
against her head repeatedly at a very rapid rate. I can't tell you
how much further this could be from the truth. I was trying to place
my genitalia into her vagina and she wouldn't stop squirming from
a combination of the roofies, alcohol, heroin, ramen noodles, and
eye of newt. I tried to put my hand over her mouth so that she wouldn't
wake others up and, in doing so, I injured my shoulder. In the heat
of passion I was able to overcome this slight inconvenience and continue
on my quest to rape a white woman and for this I should be commended
(but the media says otherwise!). You may be asking, "Hey Kobe,
how did you injure your knee?" Well, that's a good question.
See, I was jerking off in front of the toilet the next day and my
damn knee gave out and I hit my head on the toilet bowl. But while
I was doing this, I was thinking of the girl so in an indirect way
it was her that injured my knee, right?
I don't think I need to explain
anything in this picture at all.
||And finally, about the ring, it's just a
coincidence. My wife is actually very cool about this whole "rape"
thing. She's so cool about it that I had to buy a $4 million ring
for her so that she wouldn't leave me. I'm a free agent next summer
and my entire salary for the first three years just goes directly
to her along with whatever money I make while filming ridiculously
overplayed Sprite commercials. Have I mentioned how delicious and
refreshing Sprite is? Well, it is! And I'm not saying that just because
Sprite has mysteriously stopped playing my commercials since I committed
that "crime", I'm saying it because the public needs to
Here I am making sure that the
jersey Mr. Iverson is wearing is actually his. If it's not, Allen
knows what he has coming to him! Let's just say I have an unusual
fetish for brown eyes!
So anyway, I hope that clears things up.