Meet Our Team!
By: The Sacramento Kings


We are the Sacramento Kings. Perhaps you have heard of us! We are the beloved nomads of the NBA and we dominated the bottom of the Pacific Division for close to two decades. Until recently great teams such as Los Angeles Lakers have stomped on us but now it’s our turn to do the stomping! We have assembled a roster that can withstand any test. Any burden. Anything. We are, of course, Kings!

We have our one great superstar sitting over there. Oh, don’t speak too loud or you will anger Chris. Also, don’t make direct eye contact with him or his super model girlfriend, Tyra Banks. He’s also a pathological liar and goes back on his word constantly but hey; besides that, he’s really just one of the guys. We all love how Chris will pretend as though he wants the last shot of the game by muscling for position on the low block but then never bothering to raise his hands to call for the ball. We really do appreciate it when he kicks it right back out to one of his teammates who, amazingly, is even more frightened of shooting that oversized rubber ball thingy.

Yes, we're all very aware of all the injury problems that our dear Chris has been through but, frankly, we're not that worried. No disrespect to other western conference teams but we really believe that nobody can handle this monster of a power forward that we have unleashed upon this great league. Who can stop that 18-foot flat jump shot? Only a torn MCL! All kidding aside, nobody can stop our All-NBA performer and he has no flaws in his game except for free throw shooting but I think we can all agree that things like that don't even matter in today's game. Bang down low, ignore your obvious need for post moves, throw your body and mass around, and take advantage of your height. Or in Chris' case, keep shooting jump shots and run like hell when the end of the game is near!

"The low point in Chris' career: Losing the NCAA title game to a big white guy who wasn't even aware of what sport he was playing."!

Over on the other bench is our most charismatic member: our own Peja Stojakovic. Like Chris, he’s really just one of the guys. He likes mayonnaise on his french fries and he takes baths in Epson salt in order to preserve his body for the playoffs, which is where he really shines. After he eliminates us from title contention we place him back into the sewers of Eastern Europe where he is frozen and the expired computer chip, which allows him to shoot well for 4 consecutive months, is removed. Why couldn’t we get a chip that lasts longer than 4 months? We’re the Kings; that’s why.

Oh, I see you met Mrs. Christie. Yeah, she’s another one you probably shouldn’t be making direct eye contact with. Rumor has it that it was her (not Kermit Washington) that laid out Rudy Tomjanovich in an elaborate scheme to plant cancer in his bladder and save the pope. Oh shit here she comes! Quick! Act like you were just staring at something behind her! Whew. So anyway, yeah she’s kind of overprotective but it’s good for Doug. If it wasn’t for his wife then I think Doug may have actually had a pretty decent career with a lot more money and he could have fulfilled all of that promise he had while with the Los Angeles Lakers as the point guard of the future. However, he ended up getting married and traded to Sacramento for a bucket of pulled pork and Corliss Williamson. No no no no, Doug! You are doing it all wrong! It’s down the road; not across the street! Goodness gracious sometimes I think these guys are amateurs still!

"Cousin Larry told me to mail it in for the playoffs =) "

Does anyone hear that? I think it sounds like teeth chattering. It’s not even that cold in this room; I don’t get it at all. Ohhhhhhhhh, hey Rick! You know, Coach Adelman has been here from the start and he deserves every bit of credit that he can get. How many other coaches are able to stand on the sidelines with such a confused look on his face during the course of an entire basketball game? Take into account that he’s been doing this for many years and you will soon realize that he really is one of a kind. What’s with the teeth chattering? Oh he’s just a bit nervous. Yeah I guess it is a bit odd but what can you do, you know? He gets nervous when he’s putting his socks on. When the end of a big game approaches and the score is close we just put cartoons on the jumbotron. Rick will usually begin to drool on his untidy beard (if you can call it a beard) and he will cross his arms. Once the arms are crossed then you know Coach is ready for battle and he puts it all on the line. Rick puts the entire Kings organization on his back as he mutters and murmurs to himself in a language that only Coach Adelman can understand. Every year when we are sent home from the playoffs just a tad early to our liking we will always pretend that it wasn’t the guy shitting his pants who cost us the game. It wasn’t the brilliant tactician who orchestrates the X’s and O’s on the sidelines that a middle school teacher would look at in even more disbelief than Adelman does while attempting to find out what defense is.

Stop! That crazy tall man just stole my wallet and my cigarettes! Oh it’s just you Vlade! Hehe, you are always quite the kidder my main man! Hey, have you met Mr. Divac? He’s the key to this whole boat of futility we have going on at this organization. We constantly remind him to keep smoking even though it greatly effects his on-court play. Hell, he doesn’t even work on his game in the off-season anymore since he is a big shot over in Europe with his own league. See that’s the kind of commitment we ask for and need here in Sacramento. We don’t necessarily want you to work on defense or anything that your game lacks but as long as you do something then we’re OK with that. Do you want to run your very own basketball league? Hey, we’re cool with that. You want to complain about the organization in an attempt to sign somewhere else that has ‘soul food’? We’re down. Don’t want to take care of that nagging ankle injury that you blamed a horrid playoff performance on? Right on!
"A blast from the past: Christina Applegate is picked #1 overall in the Vlade Divic Groupie Draft."
As you can see we are a finely crafted team-oriented group of men who will stop at nothing in order to accomplish our goal; get just far enough. Every year we go into the playoffs as one of the top teams and always find a way to roll over and die at just the right moment. We’re up 3-2 on the defending NBA champion Los Angeles Lakers? I think we can find a way to make this very interesting! Dallas Mavericks without Dirk Nowitzki? We can make their dreams come true! Lose to a team in the 2nd round that has never even been there before? Batter up!
"When Sacramento finally becomes a sovereign nation this will be our national flag."


But hey, we sure can pass the shit out of that ball, can’t we?