My Dirty Secret Revealed!

By: New Jersey guard Jason Kidd

"Hey there lucky lady, I see your eyes aren't black and blue yet!"

People always ask me "Jason, why do your shooting percentages compare to my brother who is in the local YMCA wheelchair league?" and I always reply with "no comment". But not today my friends! Today I will reveal the horrible truth behind my shooting percentages over the years. Just look at my FG% year by year since I came along:

94-95 DAL .385
95-96 DAL .381
96-97 DAL .369
96-97 PHO .423
97-98 PHO .416
98-99 PHO .444
99-00 PHO .409
00-01 PHO .411
01-02 NJN .391
02-03 NJN .429

Here is the overrated Shawn Marion driving around my overrated defense!


Wowsers, my monocle just fell off! Those are horrible FG%'s, aren't they? This is why I feel the need to come to grips with my shooting and myself. The reason for my shitty shooting is my wife.

Now picture this: You are coming home from a hard day of work where you made a approximately $15,000 in one day and there's your wife just loafing around washing dishes. God damnit, I'm hungry and Jason Kidd needs his gummy bears and chocolate milk! So, naturally, I slapped the shit out of her. Unfortunately this happens quite often and, as a result, my hand starts to swell up a bit. Then I have to go out and play an NBA game with a swelled hand and people wonder why my FG% suffers. You figure it out Einstein!

I always blow a kiss at the free throw line to strike fear into my mate's heart!

How in the hell am I supposed to shoot an 18-foot jump shot when I ate lobster without melted butter before the game? You can't eat lobster without that yummy melted butter sauce type of stuff, am I right? God damn Joumanna can't get anything right. So I kick the shit out of her for that, and then I kick the living hell out of her for not cutting my meat up into little pieces just the way I like it. Is it that much to ask? You have the privilege of being married to Jason Kidd, the least you could do is cut my meat and not use your teeth so much when you fellate me.

Every time I "dish" out an assist that's a reminder to Joumanna to lay out my clothes for tomorrow. Every time I blow a kiss at the free throw line it's to remind that whore to tie my shoes before the next game so that I don't have to tie them. And every time I miss another jump shot it's like telling my wife that she better have an SUV commercial deal lined up or it's her ass. But every time I dye my hair a ridiculous blond color, it's a show of affection. That's the soft side of me that the media never sees. I'm actually a very loving man, it's just that instead of expressing my love with hugs and kisses I prefer to leave scars on my wife's face.

I hurt my ankle while kicking Joumanna's skull open after she called me "white" and a "lousy shooter". Lets see you call me a lousy shooter now Miss Potato!