My Big Day!
By: Shawn Kemp
"It's a boy!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I can't believe how fortunate I am! This past summer I was released by
a franchise with infinite talent because they did not want me anymore.
So what did they do? They gave me lots of money up front and I agreed
not to play for them anymore! I am so excited, diary! I don't have to
pretend I have a harelip anymore, and I don't have to go by that silly
"Reign Man" persona anymore. Yes diary, today is a new day!
I am the new PF/C for the Orlando Magic, a team destined for success.
The media just blows everything out of proportion. There are lots of people
who tried cocaine. In fact, one of my children has already tried it. What
is the big deal? It is a proven fact that everyone between the ages of
15 and 52 has tried cocaine at least once. And it's not like I'm hooked
on it, I've quit dozens of times. What a bunch of morons the media are.
They just like to see a great athlete fall on his face. I bite my thumb
at them, I am so angry!
Back to my new team, the Orlando Magic. I just love these guys. I completely
ignore the fact that half the team is white each year and that there are
racist allegations and the team is located in the Deep South. These are
all simply coincidences. I also ignored how Horace Grant and Patrick Ewing
failed in their attempt to win a championship there and, instead, looked
a hundred years old while heaving their big fat asses 94 feet. There have
been discussions between the Magic and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, which makes
me very excited for the upcoming season! Wilt Chamberlain's dead carcass
has been signed to a non-guaranteed contract (who would be stupid enough
to sign a dead man to a guaranteed contract!) so the Magic is, obviously,
trying to win.
Next up, diary, is how the media has blown my amount of children out of
control. What is the big deal as long as I pay child support? There are
tons of dead-beat dads in the United States; I pay for my children! Why
doesn't America applaud me for being a stand-up guy and realizing my mistakes?
Just 5 years ago, I was a hall-of-fame player on the rise and now I'm
a washed up has-been? Screw the media! I will continue to work 6 days
a week with my trainer and conveniently ignore how I am not losing any
weight at all. Good night diary!