Iverson Guarantees Gold Medal for USA
By: Emilio Escobar
When some people see
Allen Iverson they see him as some sort of tattoo-infested brick-laying
thug-living gangbanging basketball player. However, there are some
unfortunate souls on this terrific planet who do not get to see
the gentler side of former NBA MVP Allen Iverson. For example, did
you know that Allen Iverson kisses his children? It’s true.
In fact, sometimes he even tells his children that he loves them.
There are also reports that he loves his mother too but these have
not been confirmed as of yet and are merely rumors. Along with his
alleged love for his mother, Allen also loves to play Playstation
and even enjoys the occasional Sunday afternoon movie. “It’s
just something that I like to do” said the lovable bug-eyed
But what Allen did on Friday was something a lot
more than lovable. After leading the United States men’s senior
basketball team to a loss to Italy and nearly another to Germany,
a team that did not even qualify for the Olympics, Iverson went
on to declare a guarantee of first place in this summer’s
“I want ya’ll to know right now that
when Allen Iverson promises something Allen Iverson delivers. When
I say I want the ball, I get it. When I say I want my wife to be
thrown out of the house naked then I do it. I leave no basketball
left unshot and I leave no bowling alley unterrorized. You can write
that down, believe that.”
a sassy felon!"
devastating loss to perennial basketball power Puerto Rico, Iverson
decided to change his tune. As the United States shot an unsightly
3 of 24 from 3-point range in Greece against a very stingy group
of greasy Puerto Ricans and almost committing as many turnovers
as they made field goals, Allen called for a press conference.
“Yeah, it was a pretty bad loss I guess,”
said a seemingly apathetic Iverson. “But what I want to discuss
is me, not the team. I know we did pretty bad and all that but I
just want to make good on my guarantee I made a couple days ago.
What I’m saying is I think I’m going to quit the team
and start something different. I think I’ll try soccer or
A stunned nation gasped as the captain of their
basketball team had quit. Who would pick up the slack? Who would
gamble in the passing lanes now? Who would be late for practice
to set a horrible example for the unhealthy number of young players
on the team? Who will lead the team in carrying violations?
“Allen Iverson can’t concern himself
with that right now” said the former league MVP. “What
Allen Iverson is worrying about right now is how he’s going
to win a gold medal.”
TAPPED MY HEAD! HE'S THE GOOSE AND I AM THE DUCK!"
seemed dejected but optimistic.
“I’m just glad he took that shit off
me,” said a very relieved Carmelo Anthony.
After the press conference, Iverson headed down
to the soccer fields for practice with the American team. Allen
seemed at ease with his new surroundings and even kidded around
with some of his new teammates.
“Yeah, he’s been awesome,” said
an unidentified American soccer player who nobody knew because nobody
cared. “We talked about rap music and stuff like that. I asked
him if he ever killed anyone and he started rapping. It was pretty
"My shooting percentage
is comparable to the chance of my marriage actually working out!"
This reporter and the
rest of the media are still astonished by the turn of events started
by the former NBA scoring champ. When I caught up to the star I
was able to ask just a few questions before he attempted to maim
me by mob but I still felt very confused about the entire situation.
The rest of my media brothers felt the same, which led to Allen’s
latest press conference earlier today.
When asked why he chose soccer over the sport that
has paid him tens and hundreds of millions of dollars, Allen joked
that “they don’t call traveling” and that “the
refs don’t hate on me”. Iverson also felt excited about
the extremely knowledgeable and fanatic fan base of his new sport.
“They pretty crazy, man. I mean, what I love
about all this is how they don’t even practice. They just
play the games. That’s what I really respect about whatever
this game is. They pay me; I play in the game, and that’s
it. No practice.”
“I look forward to earning my gold medal
for the United States of America.”
"I practice about as much
on my artwork as I do on my shooting!"
The press conference lasted two hours before one reporter
decided to inform Iverson that the US men’s soccer team did not
qualify for the Olympics.
“Oh,” a misinformed Iverson squeaked.
“Well, what about skeet shooting or something?”