Iverson Guarantees Gold Medal for USA
By: Emilio Escobar


When some people see Allen Iverson they see him as some sort of tattoo-infested brick-laying thug-living gangbanging basketball player. However, there are some unfortunate souls on this terrific planet who do not get to see the gentler side of former NBA MVP Allen Iverson. For example, did you know that Allen Iverson kisses his children? It’s true. In fact, sometimes he even tells his children that he loves them. There are also reports that he loves his mother too but these have not been confirmed as of yet and are merely rumors. Along with his alleged love for his mother, Allen also loves to play Playstation and even enjoys the occasional Sunday afternoon movie. “It’s just something that I like to do” said the lovable bug-eyed scamp.

But what Allen did on Friday was something a lot more than lovable. After leading the United States men’s senior basketball team to a loss to Italy and nearly another to Germany, a team that did not even qualify for the Olympics, Iverson went on to declare a guarantee of first place in this summer’s Olympic Games.

“I want ya’ll to know right now that when Allen Iverson promises something Allen Iverson delivers. When I say I want the ball, I get it. When I say I want my wife to be thrown out of the house naked then I do it. I leave no basketball left unshot and I leave no bowling alley unterrorized. You can write that down, believe that.”

"America loves a sassy felon!"

After Sunday’s devastating loss to perennial basketball power Puerto Rico, Iverson decided to change his tune. As the United States shot an unsightly 3 of 24 from 3-point range in Greece against a very stingy group of greasy Puerto Ricans and almost committing as many turnovers as they made field goals, Allen called for a press conference.

“Yeah, it was a pretty bad loss I guess,” said a seemingly apathetic Iverson. “But what I want to discuss is me, not the team. I know we did pretty bad and all that but I just want to make good on my guarantee I made a couple days ago. What I’m saying is I think I’m going to quit the team and start something different. I think I’ll try soccer or something.”

A stunned nation gasped as the captain of their basketball team had quit. Who would pick up the slack? Who would gamble in the passing lanes now? Who would be late for practice to set a horrible example for the unhealthy number of young players on the team? Who will lead the team in carrying violations?

“Allen Iverson can’t concern himself with that right now” said the former league MVP. “What Allen Iverson is worrying about right now is how he’s going to win a gold medal.”


Iverson’s teammates seemed dejected but optimistic.

“I’m just glad he took that shit off me,” said a very relieved Carmelo Anthony.

After the press conference, Iverson headed down to the soccer fields for practice with the American team. Allen seemed at ease with his new surroundings and even kidded around with some of his new teammates.

“Yeah, he’s been awesome,” said an unidentified American soccer player who nobody knew because nobody cared. “We talked about rap music and stuff like that. I asked him if he ever killed anyone and he started rapping. It was pretty crazy, dude.”

"My shooting percentage is comparable to the chance of my marriage actually working out!"

This reporter and the rest of the media are still astonished by the turn of events started by the former NBA scoring champ. When I caught up to the star I was able to ask just a few questions before he attempted to maim me by mob but I still felt very confused about the entire situation. The rest of my media brothers felt the same, which led to Allen’s latest press conference earlier today.

When asked why he chose soccer over the sport that has paid him tens and hundreds of millions of dollars, Allen joked that “they don’t call traveling” and that “the refs don’t hate on me”. Iverson also felt excited about the extremely knowledgeable and fanatic fan base of his new sport.

“They pretty crazy, man. I mean, what I love about all this is how they don’t even practice. They just play the games. That’s what I really respect about whatever this game is. They pay me; I play in the game, and that’s it. No practice.”

“I look forward to earning my gold medal for the United States of America.”

"I practice about as much on my artwork as I do on my shooting!"

The press conference lasted two hours before one reporter decided to inform Iverson that the US men’s soccer team did not qualify for the Olympics.

“Oh,” a misinformed Iverson squeaked.

“Well, what about skeet shooting or something?”