I Think Magic Cheated On Me!
By: Isiah Thomas


"You can look, Craig Hodges. But you can't touch!"


These past 10 years have been a complete mystery to me. In that span I have retired, taken a GM spot with an expansion team, ran an entire basketball league, became a head coach of a real life NBA basketball team (with no previous experience whatsoever!), and became the GM of the biggest and most important basketball team in the league. I’ve gone from rags to riches in the span of my illustrious life and I wanted someone special to share it with. It was during this 10 year span that I found out my long-time life partner, Earvin “Magic” Johnson, had, apparently, cheated on me.

I had first suspected it back in the 1991-1992 season. My Detroit Pistons team was on the decline and I was somewhat moody, I admit. But that doesn’t mean that Earvin should have gone looking for love in other places, am I right? I don’t want to get all emotional about this but I feel as though I was led on. Our love was something that I thought even the good Lord could not have separated. We were always together. We were like bread and butter. Salt and pepper. The Beaver and whatever his brother’s name was. Failure and Shareef Abdur-Rahim. AIDS and, well, that’s the point of this article.

When I heard Earvin had received the HIV virus from one of his up-to-six sex partners he had at one time, I couldn’t help but feel a little glum. Earvin and I had experienced the world together. Between us we had won 5 NBA championships and 1 (should’ve been 2! Fuck you Jordan!) appearance on the Dream Team of 1992. We used to just gaze into each other’s eyes and talk for hours upon hours about the most trivial of things. I kept hearing rumors around the league that Earvin had been having orgies and parties every night at his house but I was too busy playing Russian Roulette with Dennis Rodman to thoroughly check it out.

That summer we spent in Barcelona together wasn't all for nothing I suppose. I met two wonderful men who both spoke spanish! YUM!

Ever since Earvin got AIDS, my life has tumbled. I ruptured my Achilles tendon, which ended my impressive NBA career. I could have ruled the league for at least 3 more years but the year of rehab ahead of me was something I’d rather not do. That’s a lot of time away from my Magic Man!

I was afraid to approach the subject at first. But then this major rush came over me. A little point guard inside of me said, “Isiah, do what you have to do, big guy!” And I did! I told Earvin how I really felt and I was immediately pelted across the face by his assist-dishing hand. Needless to say, I packed my bags and I was out of there! Ten thousand assists or not, I’m not taking that bullshit from anyone!

These wonderful women taught me that if I just put on an apron and smile that all my troubles will disappear!

Many failed jobs later, I realize I may have made a mistake. I’ve gone through so many unfortunate circumstances since Earvin has left me that I’m thinking about just going back to the University of Indiana and finishing my degree or something. Lord knows I shouldn’t be a finance major judging from some of these trades I’ve made! Anyway, what I’m asking for is that Earvin please forgive me for walking out on that fateful night. I understand now why you needed to go have sex with multiple partners all at once. I understand why you felt a comeback to the NBA in 1995 was both necessary and successful. And I understand why you were able to beat the Boston Celtics with just…one…shot! Just like you had always dreamed about as a kid!

What I need to understand now is why all my magic was lost when I lost my Magic Man.

I miss you Earvin <3 kissy kissy