I Think Magic Cheated On Me!
By: Isiah Thomas
"You can look, Craig Hodges. But you can't touch!"
These past 10 years have been a complete mystery to me.
In that span I have retired, taken a GM spot with an expansion team,
ran an entire basketball league, became a head coach of a real life
NBA basketball team (with no previous experience whatsoever!), and became
the GM of the biggest and most important basketball team in the league.
I’ve gone from rags to riches in the span of my illustrious life
and I wanted someone special to share it with. It was during this 10
year span that I found out my long-time life partner, Earvin “Magic”
Johnson, had, apparently, cheated on me.
I had first suspected it back in
the 1991-1992 season. My Detroit Pistons team was on the decline
and I was somewhat moody, I admit. But that doesn’t mean
that Earvin should have gone looking for love in other places,
am I right? I don’t want to get all emotional about this
but I feel as though I was led on. Our love was something that
I thought even the good Lord could not have separated. We were
always together. We were like bread and butter. Salt and pepper.
The Beaver and whatever his brother’s name was. Failure
and Shareef Abdur-Rahim. AIDS and, well, that’s the point
of this article.
When I heard Earvin had received the HIV virus from one of
his up-to-six sex partners he had at one time, I couldn’t
help but feel a little glum. Earvin and I had experienced the
world together. Between us we had won 5 NBA championships and
1 (should’ve been 2! Fuck you Jordan!) appearance on the
Dream Team of 1992. We used to just gaze into each other’s
eyes and talk for hours upon hours about the most trivial of
things. I kept hearing rumors around the league that Earvin
had been having orgies and parties every night at his house
but I was too busy playing Russian Roulette with Dennis Rodman
to thoroughly check it out.
That summer we spent in
Barcelona together wasn't all for nothing I suppose. I met two
wonderful men who both spoke spanish! YUM!
Ever since Earvin got AIDS, my life
has tumbled. I ruptured my Achilles tendon, which ended my impressive
NBA career. I could have ruled the league for at least 3 more
years but the year of rehab ahead of me was something I’d
rather not do. That’s a lot of time away from my Magic Man!
I was afraid to approach the subject at first. But then this
major rush came over me. A little point guard inside of me said,
“Isiah, do what you have to do, big guy!” And I did!
I told Earvin how I really felt and I was immediately pelted across
the face by his assist-dishing hand. Needless to say, I packed
my bags and I was out of there! Ten thousand assists or not, I’m
not taking that bullshit from anyone!
women taught me that if I just put on an apron and smile that
all my troubles will disappear!
Many failed jobs later, I realize
I may have made a mistake. I’ve gone through so many unfortunate
circumstances since Earvin has left me that I’m thinking
about just going back to the University of Indiana and finishing
my degree or something. Lord knows I shouldn’t be a finance
major judging from some of these trades I’ve made! Anyway,
what I’m asking for is that Earvin please forgive me for
walking out on that fateful night. I understand now why you
needed to go have sex with multiple partners all at once. I
understand why you felt a comeback to the NBA in 1995 was both
necessary and successful. And I understand why you were able
to beat the Boston Celtics with just…one…shot! Just
like you had always dreamed about as a kid!
What I need to understand now is why all my magic was lost
when I lost my Magic Man.
I miss you Earvin <3 kissy kissy