Big Ups For Guaranteed Contracts!

By: NBA Superstar Grant Hill

"$92.88 million sure can buy some cool gadgets for this wheelchair!"

Dear friends,

Hi kids, NBA Superstar Grant "Mr. Nice Guy" Hill of the Orlando Magic here. You may remember me from my "playing days" at Duke or with the red-hot Detroit Pistons. I remember when I averaged nearly a triple-double every night! I would get so thirsty back then from hauling an entire NBA team kicking and screaming into the playoffs that I'd have to cool off with a nice refreshing Sprite. Those sure were the days!

Now you may be saying "Mr. Hill, what are you rambling on about? You're starting to sound like Bill Walton with all this bullshit! Everyone knows you're lamer than a broke-dick mule! We're one more turned ankle away from making Grant Hill industrial strength glue!" And that would be wrong to say that, because Jesus hates words like "bullshit" and the compound word "broke-dick mule". Go wash your mouth out with Sprite.

Now what I really want to do today is speak about something very near and dear to my heart: Guaranteed contracts. Now some people have been upset that I make $92.88 million dollars and have only played 18 games. Well, to those people I say "Look coach, we players make a lot but we also spend a lot .... of time in rehab!" That little bit always makes me giggle.

Besides, lots of people get unemployment when they get hurt. Why not me? Years of drinking delicious, refreshing Sprite has left my bones as brittle as my post-surgery defense.

But seriously, how is missing a few games to a bad ankle really different than missing it the way some so-called Mr. Nice Guy's have, like rape trials. Grant Hill does a lot of things, but that's one thing Grant Hill doesn't do: forceful sexual penetration of the anus. Next to that I should be a shoe-in for a renewed Sprite deal. Just make sure that shoe has good ankle support ;)

Your pal,

Grant Hill