I Found Talent!
By: Chad Ford
Hey folks, ESPN Insider writer here and superstar in
the flesh, Chad Ford. I travel up and down the globe following various
basketball experts and incessantly bug them about what they might do
with that 12th man on the end of the bench that was drafted 3 years
ago from Lithuania but hasn’t played yet. I have contributed to
the European invasion of mediocre basketball talent for as long as I
can remember and I don’t play on stopping!
In my short time of being a sports
journalist, I had spanned the globe. I’ve gone from Angola
to… some place that starts with a Z! New Zealand? No, that
won’t work. What about some sort of play on George Zidek’s
name? Nah, that’s kind of stupid. Zilch, as in the amount
of actual talent I have in my writing? Oh screw it, lets discuss
trade rumors that I created in my fat little head last night while
sleeping in a Motel 6 just after a mexican immigrant whore gave
me a handjob.
My sources tell me that Isiah Thomas is up to
his old tricks again! That old coot is talking to Mark Cuban about
a Tariq Abdul-Wahad for Anfernee Hardaway trade! My sources also
tell me that Cuban is involved in almost every trade rumor, as
is Isiah, but that I should take this one very seriously! Who
is my source? I can’t tell you! I’m the credible journalist
here! Who are you? You’re some schmuck who is actually paying
good money to read this shit. How about I just jack off with my
lonely hand and ejaculate into a little piece of paper for you?
That piece of paper would have a more legitimate chance of sprouting
a tree of life before one of my stupid rumors came true. I get
so lonely on the road. I get tired of paying for sex. Why do the
omlets at these hotels cost so much?
"Thanks to me, this jackass
actually collects a paycheck to miss layups!"
I have another source, who keeps his ear very low to
the ground, telling me that the overnight sensation from Libya, Karusalav
Hornochevski, is thinking about entering the 2005 NBA Draft. If this
is true, the NBA may have a new LeBron James. The skillset of this big
man are not comparable to anyone in the league. With the New Orleans
Hornets searching for a big man to replace Jamaal Magloire after I keep
writing about how he needs to be traded, will the Big Easy be the place
for Hornochevski? I caught up with the big man as he was just waking
up from his home: a small tent in the middle of the Polish woods.
The greatest basketball player I had ever seen!"
Day 1: I arrive in the woods. It’s
very cold and all I see for miles is snow and dead trees. Excuse
me, that is all I see except for Karusalav Hornochevski dribbling
a basketball while standing on a block of ice that looks as though
it could break at any moment. He gazes at me with the soulful
brown eyes that only a baby cub could have while waiting for it’s
mother to feed him. I almost started to develop an erection when
I heard the ice begin to crack. Without wasting a moment, I leaped
from the log I was sitting on and pushed Hornochevski to safety.
He thanked me by giving me a candy bar and a bar of soap. Great
kid. Great talent.
Day 2: I awoke at 8am only to notice a gang of
wolves surrounding me. What should I do? Should I call for help?
Should I remind the wolves that I am a superstar journalist? No,
that’s just ridiculous! I reached into my pocket and pulled
out the candy bar that had been given to me just one day earlier
by basketball’s newest superstar and threw it as far as
I could throw. The wolves chased after it and I was safe again.
I masturbated for 15 minutes.
Day 3: Today seems to be a very slow day so I just sat
around the campfire and explained the NBA’s collective bargaining
agreement to Karusalav. He had a million questions so it’s a good
thing that I’m the expert! I explained to him that there are mid-level
exceptions along with rookie salary caps (boy, he didn’t like
THAT one!) and even a luxury tax. By the end of the day, Hornochevski
was knocked out cold! I must’ve filled his brain up much like
he could be filling the lane on a fast break at this time next year!
I am salivating at this point!
Day 4: I feel incredibly close to Karusalav. I don’t
know what it is but I feel as though I have this incredible connection
with him. He, the player, and I, the expert basketball journalist/analyst,
just have this telepathic thing going on and it’s wonderful. I
was talking about the beauty of european basketball and how all of these
stupid porch monkeys in the NBA have it all wrong. And then, something
happened. I’ve read a thousand romance novels and have read every
dumb adjective for love that there is but when I stared into Karusalav’s
eyes I could see no wrong in them. Without hesitation, I reached into
his pants and pulled out a mighty penis; a penis that could slay a dragon!
I took that penis and shoved it into my mouth as though it were about
to expire. But this moment was about to expire. Time doesn’t stand
still; not for this journalist! I sucked and sucked on his mighty penis
until my jaw began to hurt and then I took a nap while my hero watched
over me. My hero: the basketball player. What will I tell my mother?!?
Day 5: It seems as though Karusalav was merely a Real
Doll. I’ve been hoodwinked by that darn Tom Tolbert yet again!
I guess I’ll be paying my own airfare home.
In other news: Avery Johnson is
rumored to be taking over the Dallas Mavericks’ head coaching
position next season. While Avery has absolutely no coaching experience
aside from these 10 measly games he has coached, Johnson is the
perfect candidate for the job. Del Harris may be a very competent
coach and much more deserving of a head coaching position than
the little black walnut-looking Johnson, it just isn’t as
Golden State is in negotiations with Clifford
Robinson and the topic of discussion is a contract extension.
While Cliff may be pushing 39, he still has his best years ahead
of him, says Chris Mullin. “We look forward to seeing the
best of Cliff for years to come. We’re aware that he doesn’t
rebound or block shots but he’s very valuable as an unbelievably
streaky 3-point shooter who doesn’t produce in the playoffs.
We don’t mind that he doesn’t produce in the playoffs
because we are the Warriors after all.”
"Don't you want a high-pitched
bitch to order around your 6'10 power forward? He's a floor general!"
Are the Nets going to cut costs again? Rumor has it that
the towel boy wants a raise and Bruce Ratner is saying no! It’s
not so much as the towel boy wants a raise; he just doesn’t understand
why he has to buy his own towels. “I know that it’s a privilege
to be so close to so many athletes but… why do I have to pay for
the towels? Can’t Vince Carter spring for a towel or two?”
Insider caught up with Vince and asked him about the towel civil war
that was tearing the Nets franchise apart but he was too busy trying
to pick a song to listen to on his iPod and, upon doing so, wasn’t
paying attention and tripped, tearing his ACL. Insider hears from it’s
sources that Vince may be prone to injury.
"You're welcome, Darko!"
Insider has acquired tips from around
the league that Christian Drejer left the Dutch army in the middle
of battle and decided to play for the New Orleans Hornets instead.
He will sign a 10-day contract. Sources close to me have confirmed
that Drejer will immediately move into the starting lineup and
that Isiah Thomas is interesting in trading for him in exchange
for Kurt Thomas.
Minnesota is looking to shake things up and have
been dangling malcontent star Latrell Sprewell. Contract extension
negotiations broke off late Saturday afternoon when Latrell ran
out of poverty metaphors. “I’m like Spud Webb man;
I’m an underdog. Underdogs don’t take no $22 million.”
New York is said to be offering Kurt Thomas while Dallas is offering
Did that mexican whore have AIDS? Sources close
to me have revealed that this is a distinct possibility.
Stay tuned next week when I give you all of the
lastest sizzling trade rumors involving Kurt Thomas and Tariq