The 2003 Free Agent Bonanza!

By: Emilio Escobar

I thought my last article did well and I got a lot of responses, so I decided to write more about front office stuff seeing as how I am an insider! I have inquired with a few of my friends and have compiled a list of potential free agents and whom they will sign with, given my expert ANALysis (LOL!). Without further ado….

Free Agents (Best to Worst)

1-Tim Duncan: I really do like Tim Duncan. He was the MVP the last 2 years and he is now going to become a free agent this summer.
Interested Teams: Utah, Denver, San Antonio, Orlando, Detroit, Miami, Seattle
Who he will sign with: Miami (max). Tim Duncan likes to play basketball with other 7 footers who are very good, and Alonzo Morning is supposed to be good even though he is not playing very well this year at all. Pat Riley is a good coach and Tim knows that. In my expert opinion, San Antonio does a trade-and-sign with Miami for Briant Grant and someone else

2-Jermane O'Neil: Jermane was a late bloomer and he has played very well for Indiana. Even Isaac Thomas couldn't screw this guy up (Reggie is a different story LOL!). O'Neil is an excellent defender and is good for 20 points and 10 rebounds.
Interested Teams: Indiana, Orlando, Denver, San Antonio, Miami, Utah
Who he will sign with: Indiana (max). He already said that he would! Wake up d00ds!

3-Jason Kid: My sources have informed me that Jason Kid is not the best shooter in the world, but he is supposed to be doing better this year. He is also scoring more and everyone likes him now because he stopped beating up his ugly wife and child. He is the best point guard in the NBA!
Interested Teams: Utah, Denver, New Jersey, San Antonio
Who he will sign with: Denver (max). The Nuggets really need a point guard and Jason Kid played a lot in the western conference. My sources have said that this is a done deal already.

4-Brad Miller: He is a center so he will get lots of money no doubt about it. He can shoot a jumper, he can rebound, and he can make Shaq very angry! What else do you want Jew?
Interested Teams: Indiana, Utah, Denver, Miami, Orlando, San Antonio
Who he will sign with: Utah (close to max). He is white, Utah likes white centers that are ugly. Perfect fit! LOL!

5-Michael Olowocandy: The candy man is not staying in Los Angeles that's for sure! The owner called Michael a toad and said that he won't have his children! Har har!!!
Interested Teams: San Antonio, Los Angeles Clippers, Miami, Denver
Who he will sign with: Los Angeles Clippers (close to max). Olowocandy wants to stay with Los Angeles and the Clippers really like him. My sources tell me he was a lottery pick a couple of years ago, so watch out for this.

6-Gary Payton: He is old but he is still good. I saw him play the other day and he drove right around the guy that was guarding him and scored!
Interested Teams: Seattle, Indiana, Orlando, San Antonio, Phoenix, Portland
Who he will sign with: Phoenix (close to max). Payton will provide leadership for this team and will play point for a team that really needs a point guard.

7-Allan Iversin: He sux but everyone really likes him because he rapes his wife and spits on children while he fakes injuries when he drives uncontrollably to the basket
Interested Teams: Philadelphia, Detroit
Who he will sign with: Detroit (max). Unless they trade for Jerry Stackhouse (as I reported yesterday) Iversin will play in Detroit next year. You can count on that, buster brown!

8-Andre Miller: He almost led the league in assists last year and he didn't even play point guard! This year he has played point guard for the Clippers and he has played very good
Interested Teams: Cleveland, Portland, Los Angeles Clippers, Phoenix, Miami, Denver, Utah
Who he will end up with: Phoenix ($7 million). Phoenix needs a point guard really bad. Andre Miller passing to Amari Stoudemire would be like having Jason Kid and Anthony Hardaway in the same backcourt (oops!)

9-Karl Malone: He is kind of old but he still plays very well
Interested Teams: Utah, Dallas
Who he will end up with: Dallas (the midlevel minimum level player exception bonus). The Male Man wants to win a championship soon, and with Dallas he would do that!

10-Elton Brand: He is very good and I would like my team to sign him! He was an all star last year.
Interested Teams: New York, Los Angeles Clippers, Utah, Denver, San Antonio, Orlando, Seattle
Who he will end up with: San Antonio (near max). Someone needs to replace Tim Duncan and Elton Brand can do that. I think he is better than Tim Duncan but my friend who is helping me with this says I am stupid for thinking that.

11-Joowan Howard: I think this guy can be good if someone would just let him play. He is very graceful and he is an athletic power forward. I saw him make 3 shots in a row once, he is awesome!
Interested Teams: Orlando, New York, Dallas
Who he will end up with: Orlando (the midlevel minimum level player exception bonus). Orlando needs a big guy to go with Shawn Kemp because they sux! Plus, Orlando is looking to trade Tracey MacGrady and if this happens then Orlando will be able to sign more free agents!

12-Lamar Odum: Hahahahhahaha
Interested Teams: Miami, Los Angeles Clippers
Who he will end up with (butt rape!): The Orange County Jail. Hahahhaha!

13-Jerry Stackhouse: He sux!
Interested Teams: Detroit, Washington, Miami, San Antonio
Who he will end up with: Detroit ($6-7 million). Stackhouse sux but he will get some money from someone. He used to be good until he was traded to Cleveland a couple of years ago. He called Michael Jordan a faget once and Michael said he wasn't and then they played and Michael scored 73 points against him and Michael called him a faget.

14-John Stockton: Who wears short shorts! Hahahha. I think he is still pretty good though, but he looks like a fag in his shorts LOL!
Interested Teams: Utah, Vancouver, Denver, Orlando
Who he will end up with: Vancouver (the midlevel minimum level player exception bonus). The Grizzles needs a good point guard and Jason Williams is good but he needs someone to tutor him and make him better. I would say that of all the other picks, this is my lock. It makes so much sense, just think about it.

15-Richard Hamilton: He is the NBA leading scorer and he plays great defense
Interested Teams: Charlotte, New Orleans, and Portland
Who he will end up with: Portland (the midlevel minimum level player exception bonus). Portland will need some scorers after Scotty Pippen retires and they trade Bonzy Wells because he's a jerk!

I will try and update this a lot. Thanks guys!