Mutombo's 'DUNK ON 'EM! Basketball'
By: Emilio Escobar
Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Wakamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo's DUNK ON 'EM!
Basketball includes a wide array of features which cannot be justified
by mere writing. This game made me feel as though I were sitting right
next to the legend at NBA All-Star Weekend! I played this game for an
entire weekend and, even though it was obvious I should've hung it up
and stopped playing a long time ago, I just kept on playing! The experience
and atmosphere that this wholesome game surrounds you with is amazing.
Of the features included in this game are:
Terrible Ref Mode - Argue each
and every call because you, my friend, are an NBA superstar that
has never made a mistake in his (or her!) life! Who cares if you
slapped him on the wrist; that was ALL BALL! Body contact on a blocked
shot? What in the fuck is that about? Technical foul for hanging
on the rim? It's part of my ancestry!
Slow Motion Hook Shots - You, too,
can experience the pain of watching, and performing, a Dikembe Mutombo
hook shot. Simply take two cinder blocks, smash them against your
knees for 4 hours, and then go to an 8-foot basketball rim and try
to shoot a sweeping hook. The result is a missed field goal, cracked
backboard, and a whole lot of disappointment in New York!
All Star Weekend Mode - Be there
to sit next to Dikembe during All-Star weekend's slam dunk contest!
Watch and marvel as the man sitting next to you, the NBA's most
fearsome middle-aged shotblocker, rises up awkwardly for every mediocre
jam performed by some 19 year old that just lost his virginity the
previous night to one of the women suing Michael Jordan in a paternity
case. High-five Dikembe as he proclaims "I give that dunk 3
Will I Retire Or Not? Mode - Hold
an entire NBA city and franchise in the palm of your hand as they
sit and await your decision as to whether you will retire or not.
Why retire and spell a poor and struggling franchise a break from
the harsh reality that is salary cap hell when you think you have
enough for one more season? Can those creaky knees hold up for another
I Got Traded Again? Mode - Uh oh! You thought
that being paid $15 million a year meant that you were a mainstay
on that playoff-bound team, didn't you? Woops! That means it's time
for you to make the All-Star team and put up ridiculous stats so
that someone will trade for your overpaid ass. Look surprised as
every awkward hook shot hits the back of the rim and through the
net or wave your finger as you block another 6'1" point guard's
blind layup attempt while some poor sap of a general manager drools.
Once you are traded you revert back to being the 45-year-old gentle
giant we all know and love.
Playoff Mode - You have finally
led your team to the promised land: the NBA playoffs! Congratulations!
Now it's time for you to knock off all that 'success' bullshit and
start playing as though you've never touched a basketball in your
life! Remember when the shoot button on your controller was the
A button? Well, now we have no idea what it is! The block button
becomes the steal button and the dunk button becomes the 'pass to
the guy who is triple-teamed in the corner and is scared shitless
right now' button!
'I Think I'm A Scorer For Some
Reason' Mode - In an odd turn of events, you are asked to become
a scorer for your youth-infested team! Well don't worry, that won't
last very long. You are traded to the 76ers, upon which you never
see the ball again courtesy of franchise player extraordinairre
Allen Iverson. You become disgruntled and age 10 years in half a
DUNK ON 'EM! Basketball is a video game that all ages
can enjoy, that's for sure. For mom there is Dikembe's charming self on
the cover; an image that will surely send her to bed relieved that she
isn't married to an ugly african giant! For dad there are the secret codes,
one of which contains the testimony of Karla Knafel, Michael Jordan's
former mistress. For the kids, there's simply a whole lot of Mount Mutombo!
Pick this one up at your local electronics bargain shop today and pray
that your son will know when to quit!
Emilio Escobar is a contributing editor
He can be reached at email@example.com