Mutombo's 'DUNK ON 'EM! Basketball' Review

By: Emilio Escobar

 

Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Wakamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo's DUNK ON 'EM! Basketball includes a wide array of features which cannot be justified by mere writing. This game made me feel as though I were sitting right next to the legend at NBA All-Star Weekend! I played this game for an entire weekend and, even though it was obvious I should've hung it up and stopped playing a long time ago, I just kept on playing! The experience and atmosphere that this wholesome game surrounds you with is amazing. Of the features included in this game are:

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Terrible Ref Mode - Argue each and every call because you, my friend, are an NBA superstar that has never made a mistake in his (or her!) life! Who cares if you slapped him on the wrist; that was ALL BALL! Body contact on a blocked shot? What in the fuck is that about? Technical foul for hanging on the rim? It's part of my ancestry!
Slow Motion Hook Shots - You, too, can experience the pain of watching, and performing, a Dikembe Mutombo hook shot. Simply take two cinder blocks, smash them against your knees for 4 hours, and then go to an 8-foot basketball rim and try to shoot a sweeping hook. The result is a missed field goal, cracked backboard, and a whole lot of disappointment in New York!
All Star Weekend Mode - Be there to sit next to Dikembe during All-Star weekend's slam dunk contest! Watch and marvel as the man sitting next to you, the NBA's most fearsome middle-aged shotblocker, rises up awkwardly for every mediocre jam performed by some 19 year old that just lost his virginity the previous night to one of the women suing Michael Jordan in a paternity case. High-five Dikembe as he proclaims "I give that dunk 3 cookies!"
Will I Retire Or Not? Mode - Hold an entire NBA city and franchise in the palm of your hand as they sit and await your decision as to whether you will retire or not. Why retire and spell a poor and struggling franchise a break from the harsh reality that is salary cap hell when you think you have enough for one more season? Can those creaky knees hold up for another 82 games?
I Got Traded Again? Mode - Uh oh! You thought that being paid $15 million a year meant that you were a mainstay on that playoff-bound team, didn't you? Woops! That means it's time for you to make the All-Star team and put up ridiculous stats so that someone will trade for your overpaid ass. Look surprised as every awkward hook shot hits the back of the rim and through the net or wave your finger as you block another 6'1" point guard's blind layup attempt while some poor sap of a general manager drools. Once you are traded you revert back to being the 45-year-old gentle giant we all know and love.
Playoff Mode - You have finally led your team to the promised land: the NBA playoffs! Congratulations! Now it's time for you to knock off all that 'success' bullshit and start playing as though you've never touched a basketball in your life! Remember when the shoot button on your controller was the A button? Well, now we have no idea what it is! The block button becomes the steal button and the dunk button becomes the 'pass to the guy who is triple-teamed in the corner and is scared shitless right now' button!
'I Think I'm A Scorer For Some Reason' Mode - In an odd turn of events, you are asked to become a scorer for your youth-infested team! Well don't worry, that won't last very long. You are traded to the 76ers, upon which you never see the ball again courtesy of franchise player extraordinairre Allen Iverson. You become disgruntled and age 10 years in half a season.

 

DUNK ON 'EM! Basketball is a video game that all ages can enjoy, that's for sure. For mom there is Dikembe's charming self on the cover; an image that will surely send her to bed relieved that she isn't married to an ugly african giant! For dad there are the secret codes, one of which contains the testimony of Karla Knafel, Michael Jordan's former mistress. For the kids, there's simply a whole lot of Mount Mutombo! Pick this one up at your local electronics bargain shop today and pray that your son will know when to quit!

Emilio Escobar is a contributing editor at niggaslike.us

He can be reached at [email protected]