Draft 2003: An Analysis
By: Emilio Escobar
Oh my god guys I saw the draft on Thursday and there are some stupid
guys out there picking people, aren't there? I couldn't believe how stupid
a lot of these guys are! I couldn't decide whether I should go through
this pick by pick so I just said hey what the heck! Here is my breakdown
and analysis on Thursday's draft:
1) Cleveland Cavaliers: LaBron James
I think LaBron James is going to be the next Michael Jordan guys I really
do. He can dunk really good and I saw him make some 3 pointers so he has
a real future in the NBA. Can he play defense? Doesn't the Cavs owner
look like Harry Carey?
2) Detroit Pistons: Darky Milicic
The thing with this guy is that he plays way out in Europe so nobody gets
to see him play at all. Why doesn't someone go out there to watch these
guys play? Some of them are pretty good (that's what my brother told me)
so it would make sense, right guys?
3) Denver Nuggets: Caramelo Anthony
I saw Caramelo play in the NCCA tournament and he tore it up guys. He
looks kind of like a fat kid who can shoot pretty well but he's still
fat so you push him around a little bit but he's so fat that it doesn't
matter because he will still get the rebound. Except Caramelo isn't that
4) Toronto Raptors: Chris Bosh
I don't even know who this guy is. He looks like a faggot.
5) Miami Heat: Wade Dwayne
I really like this guy because he beat Kentucky and Kentucky sucks! He
had a triple-double and the college games are a lot shorter than the NBA
ones. Good pick!
6) Los Angeles Clippers: Chris Kaman
This guy sucks. He looks like a big goon or like that Chunk guy except
Chunk had more coordination and basketball talent.
|7) Chicago Bulls: Kirk Hinrick
This guy sucks too. He was in every commercial and I'm sick of him.
Maybe if this whole basketball thing doesn't work out then Kirk can
herd animals on a ranch or something. Or maybe this faggot can actually
go out in the sun for once, he's really fucking pale!
"Maybe after practice we
can go peep at the girls in the shower!"
8) Milwaukee Bucks: T.J. Ford
Everyone keeps asking if he's a real point guard and I don't know, that
seemed to be the knock on him throughout the draft. This Jay Billups guy
says he is but I don't think so. I think he's going to be a bust.
9) New York Knicks: Michael Sweeney
He's really fat so I think he sucks. Also, he plays for the Knicks now
so he'll suck even worse. Layden sucks
10) Washington Wizards: Jarvis Hayes
I don't know who this guy is either. The guy on the television said he
is a good shooter and I think Washington might need that.
11) Golden State Warriors: Michael Pietrus
The Warriors don't even care anymore, do they?
12) Seattle Super Sonics: Nick Collison
Nick Collison is a really good pick and I think he will be a great basketball
player. I saw him dunk on someone last year and he made this "OUCH
THAT HAD HURT!" face and I told my friend about it but he said Collison
isn't that good so I don't know.
13) Vancouver Grizzles: Marcus Banks
I think he got traded to Detroit or something but he sucks.
14) Seattle Super Sonics: Luke Ridenour
He looks like he is going to be an all star next year because Seattle
doesn't have anyone else to play point guard next year. Vote Luke next
15) Orlando Magics: Reese Gaines
This guy can really shoot and I saw him shooting in a game and he hit
like 2 3 pointers in a row it was incredible and I told my dad about it
but he said to leave him alone so I don't know. I think this was a good
pick. Imagine him and Tracy MacGrady in like 5 years after Grant Hill's
20th ankle surgery!
16) Boston Celtics: Troy Bell
He's the best player in the whole draft and I'm glad Boston got him. Great
pick for the Celtics.
17) Phoenix Suns: Zarko Cabparko
18) Charlotte Hornets: David West
He's a faggot
19) Utah Jazz: Alexander Pavlov
I don't know anything about this guy either but I guess he's a point guard
since the Jazz really need one. Maybe he can sit around and drink tea
and talk about faggots with that John Ameechy guy.
20) Boston Celtics: Dante Jones
Didn't this guy get drafted by the Knicks like 5 years ago? Why is he
allowed back in the draft? He wasn't even that good!
||21) Atlanta Hawks: Boris Diaw
Nobody named Boris makes it into the NBA. Just remember that. By the
way, doesn't he look like that N.E.R.D. guy? I just expect him to
dunk on me while a bunch of skaters come up from behind me screaming
I can't be him because I'm a rock star!
"Yeah, my career is almost
over now almost over now!"
22) New Jersey Nets: Zoren Plantic
What's with all these foreign people? It would be so soothing if the whole
draft was made up of guys I had actually heard of. But no, I have to sit
here and look up information on some guy I never heard of and, apparently,
23) Portland Trail Blazers: Travis Outlaw
Get it? Outlaw? Trail Blazers? This is getting to be such a running joke!
Hopefully this guy won't rape your women and children like his new teammates
would. Then again, he is a horny high schooler
24) Los Angeles Lakers: Brian Cook
I wanted the Lakers to draft either LaBron James or Caramelo Anthony with
this pick but I guess Brian Cook is a good choice as well. I read somewhere
he was the Big 10 or 12 player of the year or something and that sounds
pretty promising. I predict Rookie of the Year.
25) Detroit Pistons: Carlos Delphi
His last name is Delphi like the electronics company and he's going to
end up working for them because he sucks at the basketball. Even the fat
black ESPN commentator thinks this guy sucks:
26) Minnesota Timberwolves: Doody Eby
Hehehehe, Doody. That must really suck. "Hi, my name is Doody, nice
to meet you!" "Hi, me and my stupid first name would like to
apply for a job as dishwasher of your Mexican restaurant because I was
too stupid to go to college for a year to tune up my NBA game!"
27) Vancouver Grizzles: Kendrick Perkins
He's in high school too and he's really fat but not as fat as Caramelo
Anthony. Someone needs to tell this guy that there is no spoon so that
he stops using it to shovel food into his trough of a mouth.
28) San Antonio Spurs: Leandronio Barbosiosa
Woah, that's a weird name. With a name like that, he better not stick
around very long because my fingers can't take this.
29) Dallas Mavericks: Josh Howard
Josh Howard is a tremendous faggot who will end up working for one of
these Europeans in a flea market getting nail polish for some fat chick
ESPN shouldn't carry the draft because I like to hear Charles Barkley
make witty comments about white people and how funny they are. It's true,
have you ever seen us! We're so lame that it's funny! Anyway, I really
hope ESPN gets gang-raped by the ratings and they're never allowed to
broadcast the draft again because that sucked a lot.
Emilio Escobar is a contributing editor
He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org