Mein Korbball Künste bist
By: Dallas Mavericks' forward
"The NBA has instituted an appeasement policy because
of my jump shot!"
It has been almost 5 years since Milwaukee traded me
for Robert Traylor. Since then, I have blossomed into the pure athlete
my former chancellor would be proud of. With my blond hair and blue eyes,
I have secured this nation and have shown what I can do with my natural
gifts that God has given only my people and myself. The American people
do not understand just how pure my jump shot is. It has been purified
of all evil, thanks to my shooting coach (or as I playfully call him,
Mein Fuhrer!). I guess what I'm saying is that my shooting touch could
bring your nation to its knees.
Take my game against the Boston
Celtics on February 21, 2002. I had 33 points, 23 rebounds, 8 assists,
1 steal, 4 blocks, 3 triples, and I shot 12 for 23 from the field
(as well as 6 for 6 from the free throw line!). There was not one
flaw in that game, just like my countrymen! I recall being on fire
in that game and I kept asking Kaiser Nelson to draw me up some
plays. He recognized that I had the hot hand and it turned out to
be very good for me. I cannot thank him enough for this game, as
it gave me a great deal of confidence. I awarded him a lampshade,
one of the fancy ones we have back home! Kaiser Nelson didn't seem
as though he appreciated it a great deal. In fact, I saw him cry
at one point as he mumbled something and kissed some silly star-like
thing he had draped around his lifeless neck. When I asked him what
was wrong, he gave me a contract extension. Maybe I should ask what's
on his mind more often!
Kaiser Nelson addresses the
media after receiving my gift!
One facet of my game that I take great pride in is finishing
the opponent off. I've been known to use too much energy in the beginning
of my battles, but I am learning to conserve it day by day. The other
day my team and I were playing the 4th game in 5 nights and I made a comment
that the arena was as cold as Russia. Everyone looked at me funny, but
I think it just took them awhile to understand the analogy. As I have
stated to my teammates over and over, I am from Germany. Some of them
may not have been to Russia, as I play basketball with other people from
more inferior countries like Canada. What is with this Canada anyway?
Do they make cars? I hear they do not even drink beer there? Is it true
that Steve Nash is their most popular person ever? Germany had many celebrities!
I can think of a few examples, but I would be going off topic. Moving
Another piece of my arsenal that I tend to favor is my
3 point shooting. Whenever my teammate Nick Van Exel hits a three, I hear
the announcer call it a "bomb". When I make a 3 point shot,
it is called just that; a 3 point shot. This does not bother me as much
as it used to, as I tend to not notice such things anymore. I asked Nick
what it's like to make a 3 point shot to win the game as the clock runs
out. He described it as "gravy", whatever that is. I asked him
if it's as fulfilling as ending a dirty shylock's life with a machete.
He gave me a weird look and said "whatever man". I was puzzled.
I would have though Mr. Van Exel would appreciate such a joke, being of
the black persuasion and all.
And lastly, I love to talk trash.
I remember my rookie year I hit a shot over Danny Schayes that won
the game and I whispered in his ear, "Looks like I just committed
genocide on your team's title hopes!" He gave me a weird look,
but I like to ignore the reaction's people give me after I talk
trash. I respect a few players, such as Vlade Divac. I made a comment
about how nice his teeth looked, and he gave me a weird look. Does
the man not know how to take a compliment? Vlade is a definitely
a weird one. But the one thing I cannot stand above all else is
a player who gives up ground in the paint in the NBA. There is this
rookie for Memphis named Cezary Trybanski, and I've made it no secret
that I do not like him. I made a comment that I bet he wouldn't
give up his homeland as easily as he does space in the paint. He
mumbled something about being from Warsaw or something and I told
him to shut up or I would turn the mustard in his game into mustard
gas. That's funny, right? Nope, once again I am shot an odd look.
What the hell is that all about? Am I the jerk? I think some players
really need to lighten up. Don't they know I'm just joking? I mean
it's not like I'm going to throw their families in the gas chamber
just because they don't play as well as I do. Equal opportunity,
which is why I play here.
Jerry West reacts
in a press conference after my blitzkrieg of trash talk