Joey Says He’s Sorry
By: Emilio Escobar

Joey Crawford is in it right now.

Just mere days after his confrontation with Tim Duncan on national television, former NBA referee Joey Crawford stands to face mobs of angry callers and may also face multiple lifetime sentences in prison for the murder of innocent civilians.

This bizarre feud began a few days ago when Joey Crawford ejected Tim Duncan for seemingly no reason. Rather than listen to Crawford’s side of the story, Commissioner David Stern suspended him indefinitely, taking the side of Duncan, who said that a small, old white man challenged him, a professional athlete who stands at 7 feet tall, to a fight.

When asked whether Crawford allegedly said such things as an act of authority to get Duncan to stop constantly complaining about foul calls or whether it was for absolutely no reason, Tim gave a deer-in-the-headlights look and responded candidly.

“Of course it was for no reason,” said the multi-millionaire victim early this morning. “Japan had no reason to bomb Pearl Harbor, just like those Indians and whatever they’re upset about with logos and stuff. He’s had a personal vendetta against me for a long time. He has the memory of a stupid nigger jew faggot.”

Crawford will be on Martha Stewart’s radio program on Friday to discuss his anger issues. He also says he plans to apologize for his behavior and for taking the lives of so many innocent students. He will also apologize for Duncan’s racist comments as well.

“I really don’t know what to say,” Crawford said, in response to Duncan’s comments. “It’s just a shame, I suppose. I don’t really have a problem with homosexuals, the Jewish community or African-Americans but I’ll take the blame for those statements entirely. What Timmy said was out of anger towards me so I take full responsibility and I’m sorry. I don’t even really have a problem with stupid people, either.”

This was actually the picture I took of Duncan as he was complaining about "stupid nigger jew faggots."

Crawford has caught flack from several media sources for not putting enough emphasis on the word ‘African’ when he mentioned African-Americans. For this, Duncan and many others have accused him of being a blatant racist. The Rev. Al Sharpton even started a rally in rally in Blacksburg, Virginia where he hung a poster on a tree saying the word ‘RACIST’ just above a picture of Crawford, the idea being that every African-American who was offended by Duncan’s comments can come to the rally and spit on the poster. Sharpton has been pressured to take the poster down but the reverend says he has first amendment rights to do so. When asked by a bystander whether Crawford’s saying these things was also an expression of first amendment rights, Sharpton called him a racist and threatened to sue him.

Upon hearing the apology, Duncan reportedly flew a jet to the Virginia Tech campus and shot 33 students. While in the middle of shooting, Duncan allegedly ripped off his shirt, exposing an undershirt he was wearing that said “Yeah, I do want to fight. Crawford v. Duncan. Golden Palace in Las Vegas, July 4th. Be there or I’ll kill you.”

After Duncan was done shooting his 33rd victim, police went to Crawford’s home but was nowhere to be found. The former referee was found in a local dollar movie theater in the middle of the afternoon, reportedly enjoying a matinee showing of the Audie Murphy film, War is Hell.

College students at Virginia Tech rioting in their air-conditioned 4-bedroom individual lease apartment just before they got stoned and watched Pootie Tang again.

“We figure that by holding himself captive in a movie theater like that,” Police Chief Mike Oxmall stated during a press conference, “Mr. Crawford definitely had something to hide. It’s our job to protect the innocent and instill peace in the community. Now that this elderly white menace is in our custody, our children have a safe place to carry on with their studies."

As Crawford was being carried away by police in a police cruiser, the hapless ref offered the news cameras nothing but a thumbs-up and a tiny grin, a grin that showed there was some hope in the mind of the hopeless, unemployed former NBA employee.

Crawford says he plans to apologize for everything on the Jesse Jackson radio program.

“… Oh yes, I do plan on it. I really don’t have a problem with college students or anything. But what Timmy did was out of anger towards me and I take full responsibility.”

Police are still questioning Duncan, as he is their number two suspect in the case that he has already confessed to. When asked by reporters about the shootings, Duncan stared at the reporters with his eyes and mouth wide open and his hands out. This has happened over 300 times in the past 2 days when the superstar player has been questioned by various law enforcement officials and reporters. Eventually, all parties got tired of asking him and just moved on to Joe Crawford, who says he has evidence that he has no link to the crimes on the college campus.

When asked him about the evidence, Duncan complained several times and threatened to never talk to me again if I continued to accuse him of murder. I can’t make my living unless I talk to athletes so I had to give in. He does seem pretty convincing, too. I mean, Joe Crawford said he wanted to fight him. Doesn’t it seem completely plausible that an elderly man would try to fight an athlete twice his size at the peak of his career?

One of many customized commemorative plushies made to pay tribute to each of the slain Virginia Tech students. This one commemorates David Slater, the outgoing sophomore who aspired to be a lovable bear who raps.

Joe Crawford is set to go on trial July 16th and is facing 13 consecutive life sentences.