Joey Says He’s Sorry
By: Emilio Escobar
Joey Crawford is in it right now.
Just mere days after his confrontation with Tim Duncan
on national television, former NBA referee Joey Crawford stands to face
mobs of angry callers and may also face multiple lifetime sentences in
prison for the murder of innocent civilians.
This bizarre feud began a few days ago when Joey Crawford
ejected Tim Duncan for seemingly no reason. Rather than listen to Crawford’s
side of the story, Commissioner David Stern suspended him indefinitely,
taking the side of Duncan, who said that a small, old white man challenged
him, a professional athlete who stands at 7 feet tall, to a fight.
When asked whether Crawford allegedly
said such things as an act of authority to get Duncan to stop constantly
complaining about foul calls or whether it was for absolutely no
reason, Tim gave a deer-in-the-headlights look and responded candidly.
“Of course it was for no reason,” said
the multi-millionaire victim early this morning. “Japan had
no reason to bomb Pearl Harbor, just like those Indians and whatever
they’re upset about with logos and stuff. He’s had a
personal vendetta against me for a long time. He has the memory
of a stupid nigger jew faggot.”
Crawford will be on Martha Stewart’s radio
program on Friday to discuss his anger issues. He also says he plans
to apologize for his behavior and for taking the lives of so many
innocent students. He will also apologize for Duncan’s racist
comments as well.
“I really don’t know what to say,”
Crawford said, in response to Duncan’s comments. “It’s
just a shame, I suppose. I don’t really have a problem with
homosexuals, the Jewish community or African-Americans but I’ll
take the blame for those statements entirely. What Timmy said was
out of anger towards me so I take full responsibility and I’m
sorry. I don’t even really have a problem with stupid people,
This was actually
the picture I took of Duncan as he was complaining about "stupid
nigger jew faggots."
Crawford has caught flack from several media sources
for not putting enough emphasis on the word ‘African’ when
he mentioned African-Americans. For this, Duncan and many others have
accused him of being a blatant racist. The Rev. Al Sharpton even started
a rally in rally in Blacksburg, Virginia where he hung a poster on a tree
saying the word ‘RACIST’ just above a picture of Crawford,
the idea being that every African-American who was offended by Duncan’s
comments can come to the rally and spit on the poster. Sharpton has been
pressured to take the poster down but the reverend says he has first amendment
rights to do so. When asked by a bystander whether Crawford’s saying
these things was also an expression of first amendment rights, Sharpton
called him a racist and threatened to sue him.
Upon hearing the apology, Duncan reportedly flew
a jet to the Virginia Tech campus and shot 33 students. While in
the middle of shooting, Duncan allegedly ripped off his shirt, exposing
an undershirt he was wearing that said “Yeah, I do want to
fight. Crawford v. Duncan. Golden Palace in Las Vegas, July 4th.
Be there or I’ll kill you.”
After Duncan was done shooting his 33rd victim,
police went to Crawford’s home but was nowhere to be found.
The former referee was found in a local dollar movie theater in
the middle of the afternoon, reportedly enjoying a matinee showing
of the Audie Murphy film, War is Hell.
at Virginia Tech rioting in their air-conditioned 4-bedroom individual
lease apartment just before they got stoned and watched Pootie
“We figure that by holding himself captive in a
movie theater like that,” Police Chief Mike Oxmall stated during
a press conference, “Mr. Crawford definitely had something to hide.
It’s our job to protect the innocent and instill peace in the community.
Now that this elderly white menace is in our custody, our children have
a safe place to carry on with their studies."
As Crawford was being carried away by police in
a police cruiser, the hapless ref offered the news cameras nothing
but a thumbs-up and a tiny grin, a grin that showed there was some
hope in the mind of the hopeless, unemployed former NBA employee.
Crawford says he plans to apologize for everything
on the Jesse Jackson radio program.
“… Oh yes, I do plan on it. I really
don’t have a problem with college students or anything. But
what Timmy did was out of anger towards me and I take full responsibility.”
Police are still questioning Duncan, as he is their
number two suspect in the case that he has already confessed to.
When asked by reporters about the shootings, Duncan stared at the
reporters with his eyes and mouth wide open and his hands out. This
has happened over 300 times in the past 2 days when the superstar
player has been questioned by various law enforcement officials
and reporters. Eventually, all parties got tired of asking him and
just moved on to Joe Crawford, who says he has evidence that he
has no link to the crimes on the college campus.
When asked him about the evidence, Duncan complained
several times and threatened to never talk to me again if I continued
to accuse him of murder. I can’t make my living unless I talk
to athletes so I had to give in. He does seem pretty convincing,
too. I mean, Joe Crawford said he wanted to fight him. Doesn’t
it seem completely plausible that an elderly man would try to fight
an athlete twice his size at the peak of his career?
One of many customized
commemorative plushies made to pay tribute to each of the slain
Virginia Tech students. This one commemorates David Slater, the
outgoing sophomore who aspired to be a lovable bear who raps.
Joe Crawford is set to go on trial July 16th and is facing 13 consecutive