The Worst Time of Year: Central Division

By: Emilio Escobar


3 Omer Asik C 24 7-0 255 N/A $1,721,000 Go ome.
6 Keith Bogans SG 30 6-5 215 Kentucky $1,600,000 Basketball's fools gold. Many an NBA coach have lost their job giving you too many minutes.
5 Carlos Boozer PF 28 6-9 266 Duke $14,400,000 The way I tell if it's the beginning of the season is by checking if Boozer is wearing a suit or not.
11 Ronnie Brewer SG 25 6-7 227 Arkansas $4,750,000 Traded to Memphis and immediately killed his season. I can't imagine why he had to leave.
9 Luol Deng SF 25 6-9 220 Duke $11,345,000 Imagine how good he'd be if he played!
22 Taj Gibson F 25 6-9 225 USC $1,117,680 Sam Smith would campaign for a small piece of dog shit to win Rookie of the Year if it had a Bulls jersey on. Did I say 'would'? I meant 'did.'
16 James Johnson SF 23 6-9 245 Wake Forest $1,713,600 Boring name, boring game, don't care. He won't amount to anything anyway.
26 Kyle Korver SG 29 6-7 212 Creighton $5,000,000 Paying $5 million for a guy to stand there and shoot seems pretty stupid if there's nobody else to score near the basket.
15 John Lucas PG 27 5-11 165 Oklahoma State $854,389 Daddy's best mistake on cocaine back in camp to get cut on the last day yet again.
13 Joakim Noah C 25 6-11 232 Florida $3,128,536 He might be an automatic double-double but to me, he still looks like that shady guy with a name like Loki who lives under the pier and tries to sell me pills.
43 Roger Powell SF 27 6-6 225 Illinois N/A Plays like a black hole... or a Colon!
1 Derrick Rose PG 22 6-3 190 Memphis $5,546,160 I imagine walking into Derrick Rose's bedroom and seeing him laying in bed trying to reach a Skittles vending machine with a giant knife while watching Mr. Magoo.
24 Brian Scalabrine PF 32 6-9 235 USC $854,389 Looking forward to the new Walter Matthau movie "I'm Better Than Scalabrine."
40 Kurt Thomas C 38 6-9 230 TCU $1,800,000 He's played for 8 teams now and I honestly thought it was closer to double that. New York is still trying to trade him.
32 C.J. Watson PG 26 6-2 175 Tennessee $3,600,000 Golden State inflated stats strike again.
25 Kyle Weaver SG 24 6-6 201 Washington State $854,389 I will continue to make fun of grown men named Kyle for as long as I live. Weaver is not helping the cause against this.


8 Christian Eyenga G 21 6-6 210 N/A $1,020,960 My favorite moment of the 2008 NBA Draft? Eyenga's highlight reel, which was him dunking in a gym with about 4 people in it. Yes, really.
1 Daniel Gibson PG 24 6-2 200 Texas $4,015,334 I would never promote my nickname if it were 'Boobie,' especially if I played like rotten breast milk.
12 Joey Graham SG 28 6-7 225 Oklahoma State $992,680 The Sans LeBron era is off to a good start when you can lure this guy away from the rec league.
14 Daniel Green G 23 6-6 210 North Carolina $762,195 Can't start on your college team? Well, you can play for our professional team!
6 Manny Harris G 21 6-5 185 Michigan N/A Volume scorer in college with no jumper and suddenly grew 2 inches! Guys like him can't even play in Europe.
21 J.J. Hickson PF 22 6-9 242 North Carolina State $1,528,920 I can't believe a team that's contending would not give up J.J. Hickson in a trade. He did look good in that gym with 4 people, though.
5 Ryan Hollins C 26 7-0 230 UCLA $2,333,333 If you're going to be one of those hustle guys, don't be a 7'0 string bean that can't body anyone up.
9 Cedric Jackson G 24 6-3 190 Cleveland State $40,375 I can finally say I make more than an NBA player. He's in Cleveland though so he's probably still in a 3 bedroom downtown loft with a coke habit.
4 Antawn Jamison PF 34 6-9 235 North Carolina $13,358,905 Antawn Jamison infects another team yet again. If you want a lottery pick, just sign or trade for this guy. Eventually, it'll happen.
10 Tasmin Mitchell F 24 6-7 240 LSU N/A You have Tasmin Mitchell so stop bitching, Cleveland. Skies aren't always gloomy!
15 Jamario Moon SF 30 6-8 200 N/A $3,000,000 Comes out of nowhere to make a name for himself by dunking on everyone. Consults LeBron's PR people and decides he should definitely shoot a lot more threes.
18 Anthony Parker SG 35 6-6 215 Bradley $2,855,769 This is what you left Europe for: To fight with Mo Williams for jumpers.
44 Leon Powe PF 26 6-8 240 California $915,852 This is what you've constantly rehabbed for: To rebound all of Mo Williams' misses and never see the ball again.
24 Samardo Samuels PF 21 6-9 260 Louisville $500,000 "You're not going to believe this. Samardo Samuels is in the table right behind me at Burger King!" This has never been said unless Samardo was with Sam Mack and some ski masks, which is more likely than him making this roster.
3 Ramon Sessions PG 24 6-3 190 N/A $3,964,320 "If I could've done it all over again? I wouldn't change a thing... except I would have written '24 Assists' on a piece of cardboard and had my picture taken with it."
17 Anderson Varejao PF 28 6-11 260 N/A $7,281,818 Die LeBron, Die.
31 Jawad Williams F 27 6-9 218 North Carolina $1,029,389 Jawad is some goofy character in a lost Friday sequel, not a professional basketball player, right? He has white people asking if they can touch his hair and loves his grandma. I'm pretty sure that's how it goes.
2 Mo Williams PG 27 6-1 190 Alabama $9,300,000 I wasn't going to bother writing a review for Mo but he complained long enough so I had to let him in.
33 Loren Woods C 32 7-2 260 Arizona N/A He's certainly come a long way for a skinny kid that was too scared to replace Tim Duncan at Wake Forest so he transferred to Arizona and played like a scared skinny kid the rest of his career. He surrre has!


12 Will Bynum PG 27 6-0 185 Georgia Tech $3,250,000 How do you know you're a bad team? When Will Bynum is on the billboard in front of your arena.
5 Austin Daye SF 22 6-11 200 Gonzaga $1,803,720 I've read that Detroit wants to play him at guard. I really want to see this just for the 10 steals that will come immediately thereafter.
7 Ben Gordon SG 27 6-3 200 Connecticut $10,800,000 $60 million for a sixth man might seem crazy to you and me, but, you see, you have to account for inflation at the short combo guard position and future demand for streaky shooting.
32 Richard Hamilton SG 32 6-7 193 Connecticut $12,500,000 You got him for three more years, Pistons fans! And what a bargain!
20 Vernon Hamilton PG 25 6-0 195 Clemson N/A There's no way you're beating out Rodney Stuckey and Will Bynum, my man.
33 Jonas Jerebko F 23 6-10 231 N/A $762,195 The definition of "blah" when it comes to basketball has already blown his knee out. So that's good.
54 Jason Maxiell PF 27 6-7 260 Cincinnati $5,000,000 The Pistons had to lock this guy up because there just aren't that many short, fat power forwards out there. You'd probably have to go to 9 Mile Road to find another one.
1 Tracy McGrady SG 31 6-8 223 N/A $854,389 "In no particular order, I'd like to blame my teammates, lazy eye, knee, back, fans, lack of help, and management for not allowing me to win when I richly deserve izZzZzZzZzZzZzZ."
10 Greg Monroe PF 20 6-11 250 Georgetown $2,798,040 "I like to play point center!" is probably the phrase you hear least on the playground.
22 Tayshaun Prince SF 30 6-9 215 Kentucky $11,148,760 I thought Avery Johnson was coaching this team when I saw Prince playing point forward.
3 Rodney Stuckey PG 24 6-5 205 Eastern Washington $2,767,126 When you have a bad year, you grow two inches! Stuckey will be a center soon.
35 DaJuan Summers F 22 6-8 240 Georgetown $762,195 All those articles written on how Summers is a sleeper and Detroit is back. Are those being read by children in Nicaragua wearing Colts Super Bowl champions shirts?
31 Charlie Villanueva PF 26 6-11 232 Connecticut $7,020,000 Who knew that being coated in failure works better than Nair?
6 Ben Wallace C 36 6-9 240 Virginia Union $2,080,000 The mark of a clueless organization: playing old veterans as the season continues to slip away.
23 Terrico White SG 20 6-5 213 Mississippi $473,604 I had no idea who he was so I looked him up and he looks like Dwyane Wade in the face. That will come in handy when he's mistaken for Wade in Turkey.
9 Chris Wilcox PF 28 6-10 235 Maryland $3,000,000 Eight years later, still skating by on the 'upside' label; yet, most are not aware he's not 20 anymore.

4 Lance Allred C 29 6-11 250 Weber State N/A A 'Lance' is usually an Eagle Scout, loves his mother, and those Steve Martin 'Father of the Bride' films. Under no circumstances do you let him catch a pass down low in an NBA game or let him near a pregnant woman on a flight of stairs.
2 Darren Collison PG 23 6-0 160 UCLA $1,361,040 Small sample sizes + jumping to conclusions = Larry Bird
17 Mike Dunleavy SF 30 6-9 230 Duke $10,561,984 If you give them one decent season here and there, people think you have a huge upside as long as you don't remind them you're 30 years old.
5 T.J. Ford PG 27 6-0 165 Texas $8,500,000 Every time you step in gum, TJ Ford has either slipped a disk in his back or lost a starting point guard job to someone infinitely less talented than he is.
10 Jeff Foster C 33 6-11 250 Texas State $6,655,000 "And the emergency exit signs are next to the door. If you need anything, a towel, my starting job, please, PLEASE, feel free to ask."
24 Paul George SF 20 6-8 210 Fresno State $2,238,360 Larry Bird just loves plucking those guys you never heard of out of the draft! That's why his teams are always in the playoffs nowadays.
33 Danny Granger SF 27 6-8 228 New Mexico $10,973,202 If you hand Danny some garbage to throw away, he'd try to toss it at the basket that's 23 feet away instead of the one sitting right in front of him.
50 Tyler Hansbrough PF 24 6-9 250 North Carolina $1,998,600 If you rebound the ball enough, some of your blind layups are bound to go through the hoop. Or so you would think!
55 Roy Hibbert C 23 7-2 278 Georgetown $1,685,280 Routinely during games, other players will tell Roy to "take the rocks out of your shoes if it hurts so much." Poor Roy has no idea what they're talking about. Then he's called for his 5th personal in the 2nd quarter.
1 Dahntay Jones SG 29 6-6 210 Duke $2,500,000 Another "living off an undeserved reputation given to him by some random coach" guy, decided he needed to start shooting, too!
44 Solomon Jones C 26 6-10 245 South Florida $1,500,000 Still waiting for the first worthwhile professional athlete named Solomon to come around. It's not happening in Indiana.
32 Josh McRoberts PF 23 6-10 240 Duke $885,120 Well, he sure can dunk!
41 James Posey SF 33 6-8 217 Xavier $7,148,800 After only going to teams that were chasing rings, karma finally bit him in the dick and now he's stuck. But unlike Wade, it'll go away in a couple of years.
22 A.J. Price G 24 6-2 181 Connecticut $762,195 To go from an idiot that steals laptops to college star to 2nd round pick, to being handed the starting job with 'future' written all over it, to being pushed down to 3rd string in favor of two shorter point guards. Hope you kept those laptops.
15 Magnum Rolle F 24 6-11 225 Louisiana Tech $473,604 6'11 and 225 means you'll be getting tips from Carlos Rogers on how to be a productive NBA 9th man, at best.
25 Brandon Rush SG 25 6-6 210 Kansas $2,069,040 Brandon, it really is ok to shoot. Nobody on this roster is going to take your job.
6 Lance Stephenson SG 20 6-5 210 Cincinnati $750,000 Word around town is Lance found the magical fairy that gives a random basketball player 3 chances and Stephenson got it pregnant and pushed it down some stairs. And one!


6 Andrew Bogut C 25 7-0 260 Utah $11,000,000 Bogut: Australian for season-ending surgery.
11 Earl Boykins PG 34 5-5 133 Eastern Michigan $854,389 Kudos to signing a 34 year old 5'5 shooting guard, Bucks. With your reputation for signing guys like Salmons and Gooden, I know you know what you're doing.
40 Jon Brockman F 23 6-7 255 Washington $1,000,000 I thought Jamie Feick retired.
10 Carlos Delfino SF 28 6-6 230 N/A $3,500,000 Lured away from playing overseas to be John Salmons and Michael Redd's backup. At least it's not the Raptors.
55 Keyon Dooling G 30 6-3 195 Missouri $2,080,000 Nothing is more underwhelming than hearing your team has signed Keyon Dooling. It's like you're an NBA player hearing you have HPV.
17 Chris Douglas-Roberts SF 23 6-7 210 Memphis $854,389 Not a good sign when you're young and a rebuilding team trades you for pennies.
23 Tiny Gallon F 19 6-9 290 Oklahoma $473,604 Ha ha ha, what an ironic name! Anyway, you're cut.
0 Drew Gooden PF 29 6-10 250 Kansas $5,765,000 High-functioning retards sometimes play games but they don't usually get paid almost $6 million a year to do it. Also, this is his 10th team and he's 29 years old.
9 Darington Hobson F 23 6-7 210 New Mexico $473,604 A daredevil's name in a D-Leaguer's body.
7 Ersan Ilyasova PF 23 6-10 235 N/A $2,320,500 "We're two deep at every position" doesn't really count if every player is equally and painfully as average as the next.
3 Brandon Jennings PG 21 6-1 169 N/A $2,331,120 To all of you awful NBA bloggers: Rookie of the Year isn't given to you if your team happens to be better. You should still have to be able to shoot better than, oh, say, 37%. I'm not setting the bar terribly high here.
13 Chris Kramer G 0 0-0 00 Purdue N/A The size of an atom, he'd still shoot better than Jennings from 20 feet.
5 Corey Maggette SF 30 6-6 225 Duke $9,600,000 My favorite Maggette game from last year is the one where he started 0-14 from the field but still finished with 18 or so points.
12 Luc Richard Mbah a Moute SF 24 6-8 230 UCLA $854,389 Starting by default, soon to lose the job to High-Functioning Retard himself, and was only starting because Skiles gets a hard-on for random untalented players that try oh so hard on one end of the floor. Then the Spurs will get him and treat him like Malik Rose, give him $42 million and end up on the Knicks.
22 Michael Redd SG 31 6-6 215 Ohio State $18,300,000 The irony of being a gunner that hardly sees the paint: Injuring your knee repeatedly, the last time being on a fast break. The worst part is you lost your job to a piece of shit like...
15 John Salmons SG 30 6-6 207 Miami (FL) $8,000,000 Watching him gun for a contract the past three seasons was enough to make me angry. I can't imagine having to be a Kings or Bulls fan in that time. You got your precious deal, John, so you can pass the ball now.
8 Larry Sanders PF 21 6-11 235 Virginia Commonwealth $1,731,960 How many bad "It's the Larry Sanders show out there!" jokes will we hear over the next few seasons? I hope he busts just so I won't hear it.
54 Brian Skinner FC 34 6-9 255 Baylor $854,389 "See that couch? Leather! And I owe it all to this pubic hair on my chin!"


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