The Worst Time of the Year: Southwest Division

By: Emilio Escobar



Dallas Mavericks

Tariq Abdul-Wahad G/F 6’6 235 Chad Ford doesn’t write for ESPN very much anymore, which I’m sure Tariq is very sad to hear because Chad was the only one who ever wrote about him
Darrell Armstrong G 6’1 180 His face should be the logo for Popeye’s Chicken
Shawn Bradley C 7’6 280 At least he’s been immortalized in all of those NBA Slam videos. What I’m going to miss the most from Shawn is how the announcers would talk about how he’s developed a jump shot and then he’d shoot it and either hit the side of the backboard or just fall over himself while shooting it
Doug Christie G 6’6 205 Douglas keeps playing basketball so his wife will let him keep his allowance. That’s really the only reason I can come up with at this point.
Erick Dampier C 6’11 265 So, Mavs fans, did he produce that double-double season at center that was the missing piece in your championship run?
Kaniel Dickens F 6’8 215 You know he grew up with NBA aspirations and thought of all the cool signs that could be used with his name like “KANNED!” Nobody is holding signs up but he’s still getting kanned
DeSagana Diop F/C 7’0 280 Insurance just in case Dampier doesn’t underachieve enough
Devin Harris G 6’3 185 Here’s your future, Dallas: your uncle tom point guard who gets rattled when someone attempts to guard him
Josh Howard G/F 6’7 210 The breakout year is coming, no wories!
Rawle Marshall G/F 6’7 190 Just stopped by to find out how cushy those seats on the bench really are
D.J. Mbenga C 7’0 245 What happened to that african name he had? Moolie Boolie BobbyJo Mbenga doesn’t come out to D.J., does it? His name might as well be NBDL Mbenga
Dirk Nowitzki F 7’0 245 Every year we hear about how he’s focused on his defense and then we see him get lit up every night in the playoffs. Maybe he should worry about rebounding more and playing with his back to the basket since he’s fucking 7 feet tall, huh? Nah, he’s just Dirk!
Pavel Podkolzin C 7’5 260 With Bradley gone, the Mavericks HAVE to play him, right? Chad Ford eagerly awaits
Josh Powell F 6’9 225 I bet you’re still glad you skipped out on school to become NBA training camp fodder
Jerry Stackhouse G/F 6’6 218 I guess he didn’t turn into Michael Jordan, huh? I guess you could compare him to the 40-year-old version. Maybe.
Erick Strickland G 6’3 210 The k at the end of Erick is for klank
Jason Terry G 6’2 180 The Mavericks take marginal talent from shitty teams and turn them into their own starters but then wonder why they can’t ever advance very far in the playoffs
Keith Van Horn F 6’10 240 Certainties in life: Death, taxes, Van Horn getting traded


Houston Rockets

Rafer Alston G 6’2 170 Take a stickler for a head coach and combine him with a moody former streetballer and what do you get? Another early playoff exit!
Derek Anderson G 6’5 195 According to, he is a great outside shooter who can play some point guard and can do a little bit of everything. According to Emilio Escobar, he has more scars on his knees than Juwan Howard does on his penis
Vin Baker F/C 6’11 240 I bet his AA meetings are a lot like when he attends Rockets games: he just sits in a chair for 3 hours and listens
Jon Barry G 6’5 210 Another year of having that face that every NBA fan just wants to punch
Lonny Baxter F 6’8 260 You laugh but he would have started for Houston last year. Hell, he still might
Ryan Bowen F 6’9 220 America’s favorite hustle specialist. How many groupies do you figure Bowen picks up?
Dion Glover G 6’5 225 The path to a great NBA career: Be a ball hog in college, tear up your knee, skip your last 3 years, get drafted, get signed for a year to every NBA team and just keep shooting. If this doesn’t work then your name must be Dion Glover
Chuck Hayes F 6’6 242 The western conference is a bit different from Kentucky, eh? The girls have more STDs and Planned Parenthood can’t rescue you the next day
Luther Head G 6’3 185 Next stop: NBDL
Juwan Howard F 6’9 230 His herpes may have infected his jump shot because it’s almost as ugly as the actual sores. Did I use this joke last year?
Keith Langford G 6’4 215 They already have a ton of short guards so I guess one more can’t hurt. You need guys to chase that little Eric Snow around, right?
Tracy McGrady G/F 6’8 210 Nothing is impossible! Apparently, getting out of the first round of the playoffs qualifies as such a distinction
Yao Ming C 7’6 310 But the stats say that when Yao gets 6 touches on every possession, the Rockets are undefeated. Sounds good to me
Dikembe Mutombo C 7’2 261 The NBA stood still when Deke announced that this would most likely be his final year in the NBA. Just like he has for the last 3 years.
Moochie Norris G 6’1 185 The novelty wore off, Moochie. Stop trying to act like you belong in the NBA now. You were only kept around to make dumb afro bobblehead dolls
Bob Sura G 6’5 200 Don’t you just wanna pinch his cheeks when he’s playing? If you did, you’d pop a capillary and he’d be out for 6 weeks
Stromile Swift F/C 6’9 225 Watch me run, watch me dunk, watch me foul out, all while never changing my facial expressions. Can I cash my check now?
Charlie Ward G 6’2 190 Turnovers are a bit more costly in football so maybe that’s why Charlie thinks its ok to commit so many of them in the basketball
David Wesley G 6’1 203 Now that Reggie is gone, David Wesley takes the throne as ugliest bald guy in the NBA who has gigantic ears and does nothing but shoots 3’s. As picky as the list sounds, its quite long!


Memphis Grizzlies

Shane Battier F 6’8 220 I’m convinced that he’s only being kept in the league because he can do NBA PSA’s and not sound like a complete idiot. ‘Hi, I’m Shane Battier, don’t smoke while you’re pregnant or your baby will have my forehead.’
Antonio Burks G 6’1 200 Fourth-String Point Guard: A new original TNT movie coming this spring!
Brian Cardinal F 6’8 245 I would certainly give $40 million to a basketball player nicknamed “The Janitor”. It just screams ‘GREAT INVESTMENT’
Kimani Ffriend C 6’10 257 I know you were all wondering so I checked myself: Kimani hasn’t been drafted in any fantasy leagues yet. That means he’s a sleeper so you better go get him, geeks
Pau Gasol F 7’0 240 His entire game consists of getting position way too low so he can put up a very ugly layup attempt that he can’t make because he has no muscle and then he yelps as he throws the shot up. Somehow, this equates to getting a huge contract extension. If you have League Pass then make sure to watch him, that’s seriously all he does. But growing a beard is definitely going to change ALL of this!
Bobby Jackson G 6’1 185 Letting him start is a pretty good idea. He seems durable enough; don’t you think so?
Dahntay Jones G 6’6 210 One of the better parts of that stupid exhibition game for Hurricane Katrina was it being labeled an all-star game and then seeing Dahntay Jones’ name on one of the rosters
Eddie Jones G/F 6’6 200 He looks a little different then the last time you saw him, huh Jerry?
Mike Miller G/F 6’8 218 I just realized the other day that Memphis signed him to a $60-something million contract. That’s probably what I’d give my 3-point specialist too.
Anthony Roberson G 6’2 180 Why did you leave Florida again?
Lawrence Roberts 6’9 240 A year ago he would’ve been a sure 1st round pick and now he’s fighting to make it as a 15th man on a pretty bad Grizzlies team.
Damon Stoudamire G 5’10 174 You develop Jason Williams into a pass-first point guard after you take away any inkling of his individuality and then trade him away so you can sign this guy? I can’t imagine why Memphis would miss the playoffs this year!
Jake Tsakalidis C 7’2 290 If you took a neanderthal and hit it in the face with a rock about 600 times, you’d have Jake Tsakalidis
Hakim Warrick F 6’9 219 So how much longer should we give Jerry West and his reputation for being a draft genius? Shouldn't we have stopped after he cut his first-round pick after not letting him play for 2 years.
Kennedy Winston F 6’6 230 I could’ve just typed out Winston Kennedy and you wouldn’t have cared either way
Lorenzen Wright C 6’11 240 If you’re ever pissed off about not having enough money, just remember that Lorenzen Wright is in the midst of a $42 million contract :o)


New Orleans/Kansas City/Oklahoma/World Trade Center Hornets

Chris Andersen F/C 6’10 220 I bet he’d be a bitch to go golfing with
Brandon Bass F 6’8 240 Local kid gets drafted solely for being the local kid. Local area gets ravaged by a hurricane. Local team wishes it could have its pick back
P.J. Brown F/C 6’11 239 Good ol’ steady PJ: He makes $10 million a year so he can do the dirty work!
Rasual Butler F 6’7 205 Miami won’t give me minutes so I’ll sign with someone else and pretend that I’m a 3-point specialist when I’m not
Speedy Claxton G 5’11 170 Speedy is a great nickname to have when you have gone through multiple ACL injuries. I think that’s the third year in a row that I’ve made that joke with Speedy. High five!
Maciej Lampe F 6’11 275 Is the acne all clear yet?
George Lynch F 6’8 235 Big headline: George Lynch doesn’t want to play for the Hornets. Well hey George, you have something in common with the rest of the league
Arvydas Macijauskas G 6’4 214 Who or what in the… huh?
Jamaal Magloire C 6’11 259 Stand in the paint, be able to jump almost 6 inches off the ground, get a very modest 12ppg or so, get your $10 million a year. It must be nice to be a center in the NBA
Bostjan Nachbar F 6’9 221 It was a lot of fun to make fun of Rockets fans when they would go on about Nachbar’s potential and how he should be their starter at small forward. If your last name sounds like something out of a terrible sci-fi movie then you’re probably not going to do much in the league
Chris Paul G 6’0 175 I’d pick him to be the rookie of the year but then I realized he was an overrated player in college and I never liked him to begin with so he can suck my dick I guess :p~~
J.R. Smith G 6’6 220 If I was 18 and someone handed me millions of dollars, I would tell my mom and dad to stay at their own damn house because I would be getting a new STD and paternity suit every week in my new mansion.
Kirk Snyder G 6’6 225 Here’s your punishment for getting on Jerry Sloan’s bad side. Congrats
Jackson Vroman F/C 6’10 220 The blackest name you’ll ever see on a white guy on this side of Darius Songaila
David West F 6’9 240 They’re still waiting on you to do something, David.


San Antonio Spurs

Kyle Bailey G 6’2 200 I have never met a person named Kyle who wasn’t a sissy and I’m sure this guy won’t sway me
Brent Barry G 6’7 210 Brent Barry, free agent acquisition of the offseason? Oh jeez, that didn’t go so well, did it? Well, ok… Michael Finley, free agent acquisition of the offeason!!!
Bruce Bowen F 6’7 200 Still living off of a reputation that Pat Riley built for him. What kills me is that he was a bench warmer with Riley’s old terrible Heat teams but he’s starting with the Spurs and nobody is even questioning the fact that he’s just not very good at all.
Tim Duncan F/C 6’11 260 I always wondered why Tim Duncan was able to play for the USA Olympic team since he’s from the Virgin Islands but then I realized that I really shouldn’t give a shit. That’s how I wish fantasy sports players would think.
Michael Finley G/F 6’7 225 Coach: Ok, Mike, I’m putting you in to play some tough defense. Finley: Ok, coach! Later… Coach: Why did you pretend that you were hurt every time you were on defense and then kept shooting fadeaway jumpers on offense? Finley: I don’t know coach, I got scared
Sharrod Ford F 6’9 230 Why are you even trying?
Manu Ginobili G 6’6 205 Still blows defensive assignments, runs into people recklessly but gets fouls called in his favor, throws wild shots up at the rim on drives in which he’s about to kick the ball out of bounds by himself, but he’s still regarded as an up-and-comer even though he’s closing in on 30. Wow.
Stephen Graham G 6’6 215 My name is Stephen Graham and I’m just calling RC Buford again about that tryout? Yes, I’ll hold.
Robert Horry F 6’10 240 Showing up for one playoff game is apparently more than enough of an excuse to sleepwalk through multiple regular seasons
Sean Marks F/C 7’0 245 I haven’t seen a picture of him in years but all I remember him looking like is that white Michael Jackson character from that one Simpsons episode
Nazr Mohammed C 6’10 252 This guy spent half of his Kentucky career on the Wildcats’ JV squad and now he’s your starting center. Oh well, at least your starting center isn’t….
Rasho Nesterovic C 7’0 270 Not only did Nazr steal your job but you barely left the bench at all in the playoffs. You are proof that the Spurs’ front office is still human. You stink
Fabricio Oberto F 6’9 251 Why does this idiot get mentioned with the rest of the Spurs’ offseason pick-ups?
Tony Parker G 6’2 180 Do you think he blows playoff games so he can get home and fuck Eva Longoria? That’s about the only credible theory I can come up with at this point.
Melvin Sanders G/F 6’5 210 Melvin’s Big Day Out: The Story of a First-Day Training Cut Casualty
Beno Udrih G 6’3 205 How bad was Tony Parker that Greg Popovich actually let this guy play crunch time minutes over Parker?
Nick Van Exel G 6’1 190 Nick the Quick went to Nick the Gimp in a hurry, didn’t he? It’s a good thing you don’t need functioning knees in order to shoot a ton of 3’s
Jawad Williams F 6’9 220 I could probably do an entire article on the name Jawad. Is that how you say the name Jared if you have a dick in your mouth? How does he feel to go undrafted when the guy you were ahead of and starting over in college ended up being drafted #2 overall? Probably bad enough to make you wanna put that dick back in your mouth