The Worst Time of the Year: Southeast Divison

By: Emilio Escobar



Atlanta Hawks

Esteban Batista F/C 6’10 270 With a name like Esteban, you should probably be working on your curveball, not your post moves
Josh Childress G/F 6’8 210 The afro works when you are actually a somewhat exciting player, Josh. Not when you come into the league as an outside shooter but then you abandon that to be a scared guard with an exaggerated height who just grabs rebounds. Is there a more boring player in the league with an afro?
Jason Collier C 7’0 260 Box-faced Jason keeps getting to start basketball games despite not knowing how to do anything other than shoot his faggoty little 18-foot jump shots
Tony Delk G 6’2 189 That 52-point game sure does seem like it happened decades ago, doesn’t it?
John Edwards C 7’0 275 I bet Pacers’ message boards blew up when they found out Atlanta stole him away from them
Al Harrington F 6’9 250 Do you think he was happy that he got to finally start?
Royal Ivey G 6’3 200 Defensive-minded point guards must be some wave of the future that I just don’t get. Why the fuck do you want a point guard, a guy who is going to be on the perimeter all the time for you, who can’t shoot at all but tries to lock up his defender? Defending another PG is like being out on an island, you’re all alone. They’re usually really quick and you can’t guard them at all, you can just try to keep up with them. But who am I to argue with Atlanta? They’re the ones winning the titles
Joe Johnson G/F 6’7 230 There’s a difference between playing the point in a pinch and playing it full-time. Try explaining that to the Hawks’ ownership group before they vote another one off the island
Tyronn Lue G 6’0 178 Who is cuter: Sue Bird or Lue?
Zaza Pachulia F/C 6’11 240 Misses every layup but he has a european name so he gets a huge NBA contract based on nothing. I love it! Can you imagine the anger across Hawks nation when they realize that Zaza is going to steal the starting center position away from Jason Collier?
Donta Smith G/F 6’7 215 Where did he come from again? Junior college? How do you not get any minutes on this team when you are a somewhat-experienced rookie? You’d have to be a giant pile of shit. Maybe Korleone Young changed his name and tried to give it another shot
Josh Smith G/F 6’9 225 I’m sure that shot-blocking ability, his one and only asset, will carry over in a couple of years when his legs begin to tire. Good draft pick!
Salim Stoudamire G 6’1 179 How often does it occur when your 2nd round pick is better than your first pick, which was the 2nd overall? I bet it happens a lot with the Hawks
Marvin Williams F 6’9 230 Where the hell is he going to play? And if he couldn’t start at UNC, why should he be drafted #2 overall? Don’t tell me the guy couldn’t beat out Jackie fucking Manuel for the starting spot on a college team


Charlotte Bobcats

Alan Anderson G/F 6’6 220 What a bland name. I can’t even make fun of it. I bet he doesn’t even have unprotected sex with complete strangers either
Keith Bogans G 6’5 215 The Bobcats kept throwing minutes at you and you responded by shooting 36%? Not bad! Now just shoot 8 3’s a game and you can get a big contract from the Heat
Primoz Brezec C 7’1 255 Remember in the preseason last year when he was making 3’s from everywhere and grabbing a ton of rebounds? Yeah, so what happened?
Matt Carroll G 6’6 220 Mr. NBDL MVP gets to sit at the front of the bus!
Melvin Ely F/C 6’10 255 Can’t get minutes as a lottery pick on the Clippers or an expansion team? Give George McCloud a call and see what he’s up to
Raymond Felton G 6’1 198 His team from last year had more talent
Brevin Knight G 5’10 170 John Hollinger thought that Brevin Knight’s season was a fluke? Wow, how the fuck did he come up with that conjecture? Did he watch the Bobcats for more than 30 seconds?
Sean May F 6’9 266 You know your franchise knows what it’s doing when it drafts a player to back up the only two positions on the team with players who have long-term deals. It sends the message that the franchise cares more about wins and its fans rather than desperately trying to attract people to the arena to make more money
Antonio Meeking G 6’8 245 You’re bigger than the Sonics’ starting power forward but you’re playing guard? Maybe that’s why I never heard of you, stupid.
Emeka Okafor F/C 6’10 252 His forehead might be as big as whatever country his parents came from
Bernard Robinson G/F 6’6 210 Wanted: a wing player who isn’t a complete pile of shit and has dribbled a basketball once or twice in his/her life.
Kareem Rush G 6’6 215 When a struggling Lakers team dumps you for a 2nd round pick, you’re probably not very good. Luckily, we, the fans, got to see that first-hand!
Tamar Slay G/F 6’8 220 Wanted: Someone who can find the idiot who names their son ‘Tamar’
Theron Smith F 6’8 230 Reward: Knowing that the name ‘Tamar’ isn’t as stupid as the name ‘Theron’
Jake Voskuhl C 6’11 255 Pivot Battle 2005: Voskuhl vs Brezec. This time… it’s personal!
Gerald Wallace G/F 6’7 220 Did he win the Most Improved Player award last season? I could’ve sworn he was a shoe-in!


Miami Heat

Shandon Anderson G/F 6’6 210 Do you think his brother, Willie, reminds him every day that he was just as awful as he is and he still scored 50 points in a game?
Earl Barron C 7’0 270 I hope he’s black because if there is going to be a giant white guy in the NBA named Earl then I might lose it completely
Kevin Braswell G 6’2 190 Do you think Miami has room for a 7th string point guard?
Michael Doleac C 6’11 262 That’s so weird how you never hear Shaq saying that Mike is the best backup center he’s had anymore. Do you think he still means it?????
Andre Emmett G 6’5 230 Do you like to shoot a lot? Sure, we got room for ya!
Gerald Fitch G 6’3 188 You don’t have a chance on this team, why bother? Maybe you can figure out a way back into Kentucky and you can have Verne Lundquist yelp your name 50 times a minute
Udonis Haslem F 6’8 232 Recently secured the biggest contract ever for a player named Udonis. I was pretty astonished when I heard that
Jason Kapono F 6’8 220 That’s exactly what was missing on this team: another 3-point gunner! Good job in recognizing that, Pat Riley!
Alonzo Mourning C 6’10 261 No kidney operations this year. I guess you can consider it a mildly successful year for Alonzo. When he was cleared, do you think he ran around the office pumping his fist like a fucking lunatic the same way he did all through the playoffs every time he did any inane thing?
Shaquille O’Neal C 7’1 325 Watch out, NBA! Shaq gained a bunch of weight so that means he’s going to take the league back and it does not mean that he is due for a debilitating knee injury!
Gary Payton 6’4 180 Keep latching on!
James Posey G/F 6’8 215 You know how people sometimes turn into their own last names?
Darius Rice F 6’10 222 He’s Jerry’s nephew but he plays like Jerry’s kid
Wayne Simien F 6’9 255 Ready to hurt your shoulder again?
Dwyane Wade G 6’4 212 It’s ok, Dwyane; nobody notices the mountain of turnovers you are committing. Nobody is noticing how stupid your name is spelled either. Just wait until you and Shaq win a couple of titles and then he can begin selling you out and calling you selfish too!
Antoine Walker F 6’9 245 Every time I see Antoine miss a defensive transition assignment because he was too busy doing his shimmy after a 3-pointer, I have to admit that I do enjoy it
Matt Walsh G/F 6’6 205 I bet you weren’t expecting this after you left Florida early, huh? And cut your fucking hair, you look retarded
Jason Williams G 6’1 190 Tim Keown broke a story last spring on how Jason cares more about his family than playing basketball. I don’t know about you but I just can’t wait to boo Jason now! Thanks for the startling revelation, Tim! Maybe next year you can break a story on how reporters with no common sense can somehow keep their jobs
Dorell Wright G/F 6’7 200 The only playbook Dorell needs to memorize this year is how much water each of his teammates would like


Orlando Magic

Stacey Augmon G/F 6’8 213 When a reporter tells you that you’re overrated and a piece of shit, maybe its time to hang em up? Nah, keep stealing money!
Tony Battie F/C 6’11 240 El Busto, the traveling backup center, may actually stay on one team two years in a row. Don’t hold your breath though
Ruben Boumtje Boumtje C 7’0 255 Thanks for coming back, Ruben. I would’ve had to edit my web template if you hadn’t made someone’s training camp roster
Kelvin Cato C 6’11 275 Block some shots and catch errant alley-oop passes from Steve Francis: The life of an underachieving NBA center with a mammoth contract
Travis Diener G 6’1 175 With a name like Travis, you usually only have two career options: a mechanic at a gas station or a country singer.
Keyon Dooling G 6’3 195 The Magic promised him a starting job. Wow. Gone from 3rd string with the Clippers and Heat to a starter with the Magic is quite the jump. Wait, no it isn’t
Steve Francis G 6’3 200 Nobody else on the team wanted to score anyway, Steve. Keep dribbling out that clock!
Matt Freije F 6’10 240 Brian Cardinal, Jr. in his game and his looks. Neither is a good thing
Pat Garrity F 6’9 238 Why would the Magic need to acquire any outside shooters when they have good ol’ Pat Garrity just waiting to hear his name called? How many other players have so many ailments while just waiting to have ball passed to them at the 3-point line? Even Tim Legler would be proud!
Grant Hill F 6’8 225 Do you think Grant ever uses the expression “broke his ankles”? That is something to ponder when you are watching Rick Kamla on NBA TV talking about fantasy stats for 16 hours a day!
Dwight Howard F 6’11 240 I’m just waiting for him to get caught with a transvestite hooker in Vegas with this complete and utter look of confusion on his face when they catch him. As they pull his head out of the man-made vagina, he’ll be crying and screaming, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING!”
Ken Johnson F/C 6’11 240 Got two offensive zeroes at center already? Sign one more, Orlando!
Mark Jones G 6’6 215 You know what’s just super duper hilarious? Whenever a guy’s last name is Jones, people do the “Who is ____ Jones?” thing. That is so god damn funny! And when they slap on a Family Guy or Napoleon Dynamite quote, it just seals the deal
Mario Kasun C 7’1 260 Have you ever seen a big fat kid who wants to be accepted so he gets a bunch of tattoos and piercings but he still walks like he has a ball of shit in his pants and tacks on the bottom of his feet? Well, picture that and then sign it for a couple million dollars to play a finesse sport and there you have the genius of Magic management and Mario Kasun
Felipe Lopez G/F 6’5 195 Mr. High School superstar wants another shot at failing to live up to all of that potential he couldn’t even live up to at St. Johns.
Terence Morris F 6’9 221 From promising lottery pick to a marginal talent and 2nd round draft pick. And you wanted to play with Steve Francis AGAIN?
Jameer Nelson G 6’0 190 He has a productive season after Francis moves to the 2 guard spot. So what does Orlando do? They dangle him in trade discussions all year long and talk about moving Francis back to the point. Gee, Orlando, I have no idea why you are perpetually mediocre!
Bo Outlaw F 6’8 220 If we really want to start winning gold medals in basketball again then we need to bring Bo to other countries and run free throw camps. “No no no, you’re doing it all wrong. You grip the ball with one hand, cock it back all the way behind your head, then make a face that indicates that you have drunk some very sour milk.”
DeShawn Stevenson G 6’5 210 You’re a promising basketball player coming out of high school and the only opposing defense that hasn’t stopped you is an underage girl’s vaginal wall
Hedo Turkoglu G/F 6’10 220 About as consistent as the cells in Rudy Tomjanovich’s bladder


Washington Wizards

Gilbert Arenas G 6’3 191 Kwame got all upset when Gilbert wouldn’t pass him the ball! I guess his teammates and the fans weren’t that upset though
Chucky Atkins G 5’11 160 At least he won’t start for you, Wiz fans. How much faith would you have in your team if a guy named Chucky were running it? Why not sign some other intimidating names like Jarvis and Brendan while you’re at it!
Andray Blatche F 6’11 235 I guess he got shot. I didn’t care that much, did you?
Calvin Booth C 6’11 231 Beware: Calvin Booth patrols this paint! Wouldn’t you be scared to drive the lane every time you saw his “Ugh, I really gotta take a shit” face?
Caron Butler F 6’7 217 He seemed like the only guy who actually played well with Kobe in LA. So what happens to him? He gets traded! Time for another injury
Antonio Daniels G 6’4 205 Signing a 30-year-old career backup point guard to a 5 year deal is pretty silly, isn’t it? Was Washington the only team not laughing at Golden State last offseason or what?
Hiram Fuller F 6’9 240 I thought they retired the name ‘Hiram’ in 1955. With a name like that, shouldn’t you be sitting in a synagogue?
Jarvis Hayes F 6’7 220 Completely fell off the radar in favor of Jared Jaffries. Oof
Brendan Haywood C 7’0 268 The Wizards can keep stacking players up at each positions but if Haywood goes down then they’re back to winning 30 games. It’s a good thing that Haywood is solid like a rock and never gets hurt!!!
Antawn Jamison F 6’9 225 We get it already, he’s a tweener. Shut the fuck up about it already
Jared Jeffries F 6’11 230 Good news, Wizards fans! Your dumbass coach has absolutely no excuse for starting this idiot anymore
Peter John Ramos C 7’3 275 It really was a treat watching him operate in the low post during the summer league. Think about if someone had stuck John McLean in sneakers and threw him on the low block right after he got done pulling the shards of glass out of his feet
Michael Ruffin F 6’8 246 Watching him shoot free throws is modern theater
Awvee Storey G/F 6’6 222 Awvee? Was your mother retarded and really wanted to name you ‘Harvey’ but she just couldn’t spit it out?
Donell Taylor G 6’6 180 Did you know he had a twin brother who played on the same team in college? If he makes the roster, be prepared to hear that a couple million times
Billy Thomas G 6’4 208 It’s not gonna happen, Billy. You and Eddie Elisma must have broken some sort of training camp appearance record by now.
Etan Thomas F/C 6’9 260 If you are an undersized center then it’s a requirement that you wear your hair in braids and do something really stupid with them