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The Worst Time of the Year: Southeast
Divison
By: Emilio Escobar
Atlanta Hawks
| Esteban Batista F/C 6’10 270 |
With a name like Esteban, you should probably be working
on your curveball, not your post moves |
| Josh Childress G/F 6’8 210 |
The afro works when you are actually a somewhat exciting player,
Josh. Not when you come into the league as an outside shooter but
then you abandon that to be a scared guard with an exaggerated height
who just grabs rebounds. Is there a more boring player in the league
with an afro? |
| Jason Collier C 7’0 260 |
Box-faced Jason keeps getting to start basketball games despite
not knowing how to do anything other than shoot his faggoty little
18-foot jump shots |
| Tony Delk G 6’2 189 |
That 52-point game sure does seem like it happened decades ago,
doesn’t it? |
| John Edwards C 7’0 275 |
I bet Pacers’ message boards blew up when they found out
Atlanta stole him away from them |
| Al Harrington F 6’9 250 |
Do you think he was happy that he got to finally start? |
| Royal Ivey G 6’3 200 |
Defensive-minded point guards must be some wave of the future that
I just don’t get. Why the fuck do you want a point guard, a
guy who is going to be on the perimeter all the time for you, who
can’t shoot at all but tries to lock up his defender? Defending
another PG is like being out on an island, you’re all alone.
They’re usually really quick and you can’t guard them
at all, you can just try to keep up with them. But who am I to argue
with Atlanta? They’re the ones winning the titles |
| Joe Johnson G/F 6’7 230 |
There’s a difference between playing the point in a pinch
and playing it full-time. Try explaining that to the Hawks’
ownership group before they vote another one off the island |
| Tyronn Lue G 6’0 178 |
Who is cuter: Sue Bird or Lue? |
| Zaza Pachulia F/C 6’11 240 |
Misses every layup but he has a european name so he gets a huge
NBA contract based on nothing. I love it! Can you imagine the anger
across Hawks nation when they realize that Zaza is going to steal
the starting center position away from Jason Collier? |
| Donta Smith G/F 6’7 215 |
Where did he come from again? Junior college? How do you not get
any minutes on this team when you are a somewhat-experienced rookie?
You’d have to be a giant pile of shit. Maybe Korleone Young
changed his name and tried to give it another shot |
| Josh Smith G/F 6’9 225 |
I’m sure that shot-blocking ability, his one and only asset,
will carry over in a couple of years when his legs begin to tire.
Good draft pick! |
| Salim Stoudamire G 6’1 179 |
How often does it occur when your 2nd round pick is better than
your first pick, which was the 2nd overall? I bet it happens a lot
with the Hawks |
| Marvin Williams F 6’9 230 |
Where the hell is he going to play? And if he couldn’t start
at UNC, why should he be drafted #2 overall? Don’t tell me the
guy couldn’t beat out Jackie fucking Manuel for the starting
spot on a college team |
Charlotte Bobcats
| Alan Anderson G/F 6’6 220 |
What a bland name. I can’t even make fun of it.
I bet he doesn’t even have unprotected sex with complete strangers
either |
| Keith Bogans G 6’5 215 |
The Bobcats kept throwing minutes at you and you responded by shooting
36%? Not bad! Now just shoot 8 3’s a game and you can get a
big contract from the Heat |
| Primoz Brezec C 7’1 255 |
Remember in the preseason last year when he was making 3’s
from everywhere and grabbing a ton of rebounds? Yeah, so what happened? |
| Matt Carroll G 6’6 220 |
Mr. NBDL MVP gets to sit at the front of the bus! |
| Melvin Ely F/C 6’10 255 |
Can’t get minutes as a lottery pick on the Clippers or an
expansion team? Give George McCloud a call and see what he’s
up to |
| Raymond Felton G 6’1 198 |
His team from last year had more talent |
| Brevin Knight G 5’10 170 |
John Hollinger thought that Brevin Knight’s season was a
fluke? Wow, how the fuck did he come up with that conjecture? Did
he watch the Bobcats for more than 30 seconds? |
| Sean May F 6’9 266 |
You know your franchise knows what it’s doing when it drafts
a player to back up the only two positions on the team with players
who have long-term deals. It sends the message that the franchise
cares more about wins and its fans rather than desperately trying
to attract people to the arena to make more money |
| Antonio Meeking G 6’8 245 |
You’re bigger than the Sonics’ starting power forward
but you’re playing guard? Maybe that’s why I never heard
of you, stupid. |
| Emeka Okafor F/C 6’10 252 |
His forehead might be as big as whatever country his parents came
from |
| Bernard Robinson G/F 6’6 210 |
Wanted: a wing player who isn’t a complete pile of shit and
has dribbled a basketball once or twice in his/her life. |
| Kareem Rush G 6’6 215 |
When a struggling Lakers team dumps you for a 2nd round pick, you’re
probably not very good. Luckily, we, the fans, got to see that first-hand! |
| Tamar Slay G/F 6’8 220 |
Wanted: Someone who can find the idiot who names their son ‘Tamar’ |
| Theron Smith F 6’8 230 |
Reward: Knowing that the name ‘Tamar’ isn’t as
stupid as the name ‘Theron’ |
| Jake Voskuhl C 6’11 255 |
Pivot Battle 2005: Voskuhl vs Brezec. This time… it’s
personal! |
| Gerald Wallace G/F 6’7 220 |
Did he win the Most Improved Player award last season? I could’ve
sworn he was a shoe-in! |
Miami Heat
| Shandon Anderson G/F 6’6 210 |
Do you think his brother, Willie, reminds him every
day that he was just as awful as he is and he still scored 50 points
in a game? |
| Earl Barron C 7’0 270 |
I hope he’s black because if there is going to be a giant
white guy in the NBA named Earl then I might lose it completely |
| Kevin Braswell G 6’2 190 |
Do you think Miami has room for a 7th string point guard? |
| Michael Doleac C 6’11 262 |
That’s so weird how you never hear Shaq saying that Mike
is the best backup center he’s had anymore. Do you think he
still means it????? |
| Andre Emmett G 6’5 230 |
Do you like to shoot a lot? Sure, we got room for ya! |
| Gerald Fitch G 6’3 188 |
You don’t have a chance on this team, why bother? Maybe you
can figure out a way back into Kentucky and you can have Verne Lundquist
yelp your name 50 times a minute |
| Udonis Haslem F 6’8 232 |
Recently secured the biggest contract ever for a player named Udonis.
I was pretty astonished when I heard that |
| Jason Kapono F 6’8 220 |
That’s exactly what was missing on this team: another 3-point
gunner! Good job in recognizing that, Pat Riley! |
| Alonzo Mourning C 6’10 261 |
No kidney operations this year. I guess you can consider it a mildly
successful year for Alonzo. When he was cleared, do you think he ran
around the office pumping his fist like a fucking lunatic the same
way he did all through the playoffs every time he did any inane thing? |
| Shaquille O’Neal C 7’1 325 |
Watch out, NBA! Shaq gained a bunch of weight so that means he’s
going to take the league back and it does not mean that he is due
for a debilitating knee injury! |
| Gary Payton 6’4 180 |
Keep latching on! |
| James Posey G/F 6’8 215 |
You know how people sometimes turn into their own last names? |
| Darius Rice F 6’10 222 |
He’s Jerry’s nephew but he plays like Jerry’s
kid |
| Wayne Simien F 6’9 255 |
Ready to hurt your shoulder again? |
| Dwyane Wade G 6’4 212 |
It’s ok, Dwyane; nobody notices the mountain of turnovers
you are committing. Nobody is noticing how stupid your name is spelled
either. Just wait until you and Shaq win a couple of titles and then
he can begin selling you out and calling you selfish too! |
| Antoine Walker F 6’9 245 |
Every time I see Antoine miss a defensive transition assignment
because he was too busy doing his shimmy after a 3-pointer, I have
to admit that I do enjoy it |
| Matt Walsh G/F 6’6 205 |
I bet you weren’t expecting this after you left Florida early,
huh? And cut your fucking hair, you look retarded |
| Jason Williams G 6’1 190 |
Tim Keown broke a story last spring on how Jason cares more about
his family than playing basketball. I don’t know about you but
I just can’t wait to boo Jason now! Thanks for the startling
revelation, Tim! Maybe next year you can break a story on how reporters
with no common sense can somehow keep their jobs |
| Dorell Wright G/F 6’7 200 |
The only playbook Dorell needs to memorize this year is how much
water each of his teammates would like |
Orlando Magic
| Stacey Augmon G/F 6’8 213 |
When a reporter tells you that you’re overrated
and a piece of shit, maybe its time to hang em up? Nah, keep stealing
money! |
| Tony Battie F/C 6’11 240 |
El Busto, the traveling backup center, may actually stay on one
team two years in a row. Don’t hold your breath though |
| Ruben Boumtje Boumtje C 7’0 255 |
Thanks for coming back, Ruben. I would’ve had to edit my
web template if you hadn’t made someone’s training camp
roster |
| Kelvin Cato C 6’11 275 |
Block some shots and catch errant alley-oop passes from Steve Francis:
The life of an underachieving NBA center with a mammoth contract |
| Travis Diener G 6’1 175 |
With a name like Travis, you usually only have two career options:
a mechanic at a gas station or a country singer. |
| Keyon Dooling G 6’3 195 |
The Magic promised him a starting job. Wow. Gone from 3rd string
with the Clippers and Heat to a starter with the Magic is quite the
jump. Wait, no it isn’t |
| Steve Francis G 6’3 200 |
Nobody else on the team wanted to score anyway, Steve. Keep dribbling
out that clock! |
| Matt Freije F 6’10 240 |
Brian Cardinal, Jr. in his game and his looks. Neither is a good
thing |
| Pat Garrity F 6’9 238 |
Why would the Magic need to acquire any outside shooters when they
have good ol’ Pat Garrity just waiting to hear his name called?
How many other players have so many ailments while just waiting to
have ball passed to them at the 3-point line? Even Tim Legler would
be proud! |
| Grant Hill F 6’8 225 |
Do you think Grant ever uses the expression “broke his ankles”?
That is something to ponder when you are watching Rick Kamla on NBA
TV talking about fantasy stats for 16 hours a day! |
| Dwight Howard F 6’11 240 |
I’m just waiting for him to get caught with a transvestite
hooker in Vegas with this complete and utter look of confusion on
his face when they catch him. As they pull his head out of the man-made
vagina, he’ll be crying and screaming, “I DON’T
KNOW WHAT I’M DOING!” |
| Ken Johnson F/C 6’11 240 |
Got two offensive zeroes at center already? Sign one more, Orlando! |
| Mark Jones G 6’6 215 |
You know what’s just super duper hilarious? Whenever a guy’s
last name is Jones, people do the “Who is ____ Jones?”
thing. That is so god damn funny! And when they slap on a Family Guy
or Napoleon Dynamite quote, it just seals the deal |
| Mario Kasun C 7’1 260 |
Have you ever seen a big fat kid who wants to be accepted so he
gets a bunch of tattoos and piercings but he still walks like he has
a ball of shit in his pants and tacks on the bottom of his feet? Well,
picture that and then sign it for a couple million dollars to play
a finesse sport and there you have the genius of Magic management
and Mario Kasun |
| Felipe Lopez G/F 6’5 195 |
Mr. High School superstar wants another shot at failing to live
up to all of that potential he couldn’t even live up to at St.
Johns. |
| Terence Morris F 6’9 221 |
From promising lottery pick to a marginal talent and 2nd round
draft pick. And you wanted to play with Steve Francis AGAIN? |
| Jameer Nelson G 6’0 190 |
He has a productive season after Francis moves to the 2 guard spot.
So what does Orlando do? They dangle him in trade discussions all
year long and talk about moving Francis back to the point. Gee, Orlando,
I have no idea why you are perpetually mediocre! |
| Bo Outlaw F 6’8 220 |
If we really want to start winning gold medals in basketball again
then we need to bring Bo to other countries and run free throw camps.
“No no no, you’re doing it all wrong. You grip the ball
with one hand, cock it back all the way behind your head, then make
a face that indicates that you have drunk some very sour milk.” |
| DeShawn Stevenson G 6’5 210 |
You’re a promising basketball player coming out of high school
and the only opposing defense that hasn’t stopped you is an
underage girl’s vaginal wall |
| Hedo Turkoglu G/F 6’10 220 |
About as consistent as the cells in Rudy Tomjanovich’s bladder |
Washington Wizards
| Gilbert Arenas G 6’3 191 |
Kwame got all upset when Gilbert wouldn’t pass him the ball!
I guess his teammates and the fans weren’t that upset though |
| Chucky Atkins G 5’11 160 |
At least he won’t start for you, Wiz fans. How much faith
would you have in your team if a guy named Chucky were running it?
Why not sign some other intimidating names like Jarvis and Brendan
while you’re at it! |
| Andray Blatche F 6’11 235 |
I guess he got shot. I didn’t care that much, did you? |
| Calvin Booth C 6’11 231 |
Beware: Calvin Booth patrols this paint! Wouldn’t you be
scared to drive the lane every time you saw his “Ugh, I really
gotta take a shit” face? |
| Caron Butler F 6’7 217 |
He seemed like the only guy who actually played well with Kobe
in LA. So what happens to him? He gets traded! Time for another injury |
| Antonio Daniels G 6’4 205 |
Signing a 30-year-old career backup point guard to a 5 year deal
is pretty silly, isn’t it? Was Washington the only team not
laughing at Golden State last offseason or what? |
| Hiram Fuller F 6’9 240 |
I thought they retired the name ‘Hiram’ in 1955. With
a name like that, shouldn’t you be sitting in a synagogue? |
| Jarvis Hayes F 6’7 220 |
Completely fell off the radar in favor of Jared Jaffries. Oof |
| Brendan Haywood C 7’0 268 |
The Wizards can keep stacking players up at each positions but
if Haywood goes down then they’re back to winning 30 games.
It’s a good thing that Haywood is solid like a rock and never
gets hurt!!! |
| Antawn Jamison F 6’9 225 |
We get it already, he’s a tweener. Shut the fuck up about
it already |
| Jared Jeffries F 6’11 230 |
Good news, Wizards fans! Your dumbass coach has absolutely no excuse
for starting this idiot anymore |
| Peter John Ramos C 7’3 275 |
It really was a treat watching him operate in the low post during
the summer league. Think about if someone had stuck John McLean in
sneakers and threw him on the low block right after he got done pulling
the shards of glass out of his feet |
| Michael Ruffin F 6’8 246 |
Watching him shoot free throws is modern theater |
| Awvee Storey G/F 6’6 222 |
Awvee? Was your mother retarded and really wanted to name you ‘Harvey’
but she just couldn’t spit it out? |
| Donell Taylor G 6’6 180 |
Did you know he had a twin brother who played on the same team
in college? If he makes the roster, be prepared to hear that a couple
million times |
| Billy Thomas G 6’4 208 |
It’s not gonna happen, Billy. You and Eddie Elisma must have
broken some sort of training camp appearance record by now. |
| Etan Thomas F/C 6’9 260 |
If you are an undersized center then it’s a requirement that
you wear your hair in braids and do something really stupid with them |
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