The Worst Time of the Year: Northwest
By: Emilio Escobar
|Carmelo Anthony F 6’8 220
||I can’t wait to hear the new excuse this year
|Earl Boykins G 5’5 133
|| Awww, he’s so cute! He’s like an NBA player you can
cuddle and sleep with at night under your arms. If you put a cassette
tape into his belly then he will tell you a story!
|Greg Buckner G 6’4 210
|| Mr. Defensive Specialist is still Denver’s starting shooting
guard and people are actually predicting that this team will win the
|Marcus Camby C 6’11 235
|| This is what the NBA has come down to: A guy who has some basic
fundamentals, is too skinny to play center full-time, and is injury-prone
is making $60 million
|Francisco Elson C 7’0 235
|| I wish I had something to say about him other than the private
parts comment but I really don’t because the guy hasn’t
done anything else in the league so I’m just going to bow out
|Nene Hilario F/C 6’11 260
|| The Nuggets decided to keep Nene, their backup F/C, as a ‘just
in case’ guy instead of trading him for a shooting guard. They
were also contemplating paying him about $60 million over 6 years.
Interesting, huh? Now he has no ACL and they have no shooting guard.
Is Kiki still a bright GM?
|Julius Hodge G 6’7 210
|| He is my favorite player because he says the funniest things!!
For instance, at NC State, he once said something very sarcastically!
Ha ha ha ha! And if you’re a funny guy, that automatically means
you’re not raping young women either so he’s off the hook.
Kobe should’ve made a couple of funny jokes in college instead
of winning NBA titles
|DerMarr Johnson G/F 6’9 201
|| High school phenom becomes lazy underachiever, breaks his neck
in a car accident, fights back kicking and screaming to resume his
NBA career and, again, is lazy and underachieving
|Linas Kleiza F 6’8 245
|| I was stuck between a linux joke and a Peanuts joke and I just
decided they were both lame so fuck it
|Voshon Lenard G 6’4 205
|| Watching his big fat ass limp out for the all-star 3 point shoot-out
was really funny and I don’t think it can be topped. Oh wait,
Chris Andersen did it somehow!
|Kenyon Martin F 6’9 240
|| I am slated to make about $90 million by the time my contract is
up but I can only manage to gather up about 7 rebounds a game. But
its ok because I am a defensive specialist! It says so right here
on my new tattoo!
|Andre Miller G 6’2 200
|| The only Nugget who won’t irritate you incessantly unless
you are the one who has to watch him act like a shooting guard instead
of the point guard who averaged over 10 assists that seems oh so long
|Eduardo Najera F 6’8 235
|| Hey Mexico, this is your pride and joy right here: A guy who is
used for energy and nothing more. At least he’s not asleep at
the end of the bench with a big sombrero over his face hiding a creepy
|Ricky Sanchez F 6’11 220
|| 220lbs of raw power
|Luke Schenscher C 7’1 255
|| I can't believe Uncle Rico let him try out for the team
|Earl Watson G 6’1 195
|| Why bother signing a perimeter player to fill a very sore need
when you can use your entire MLE to sign a 3rd string defensive specialist?
I smell division title!
|Anthony Carter G 6’2 195
||Why the fuck does this guy keep ending up with a job?
Do GMs look for awful shooting and no court sense when they’re
shopping for point guards? Pat Riley’s dumb endorsements strike
|Lionel Chalmers G 6’0 180
|| Cheer up, buddy. The NBDL isn’t that bad. You get to ride
a bus. At least you didn’t get cut outright like…
|Ndudi Ebi F 6’9 200
|| Kevin McHale, you have one draft pick for the next decade. Who
are you going to spend it on? “NDUDI EBI”
|Richie Frahm G 6’5 210
|| Try as you might, Richie, you just can’t replace Fred Hoiberg.
Even though you have the name of a shitty sitcom star and not an NBA
player. Would a groupie even touch a guy named Richie?
|Kevin Garnett F 6’11 220
|| Since nobody else has figured out why Garnett isn’t promoted
more, I’ll go ahead and tell you: it’s because his teams
always fucking suck. Tim Duncan has the personality of a dead toenail
but he’s in all these commercials because he wins games. Garnett
is in Best Buy commercials slam dunking on chandeliers with the Black
|Eddie Griffin F 6’10 232
|| Block a shot here and there, launch several 3’s, shoot at
random women near your home. All in a day’s work
|Trenton Hassell G 6’5 200
|| The whole defensive stopper phenomenon is really getting on my
nerves. First off, if a guy is a scorer and never plays defense then
all of these basketball ‘experts’ will call him out on
it. But if he’s a “defensive stopper”, all of his
offense is a BONUS! But the scorers are expected to score and play
defense. Does it not sound retarded or what?
|Troy Hudson G 6’1 175
|| Went from a decent player to a guy who copied Sprewell’s
absolutely stupid haircut to a 3rd stringer behind a white guy and
Anthony Carter. It’s a good thing he has a new contract to fall
back on, eh T-Wolves fans???
|Marko Jaric G 6’7 217 A 6’7
|| point guard who shouldn’t even play guard. Perfect.
|Dwayne Jones F/C 6’11 250
|| He was already sent to the NBDL before I even got this preview
out. No fair =/
|Mark Madsen F/C 6’9 245
|| Keep running around, faggot.
|Rashad McCants G 6’4 207
|| I hope his ‘volatile’ tempter makes him punch Mark
Madsen in the fucking nose. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone
|Michael Olowokandi C 7’0 270
|| It’s a contract year so the sky is the lim…. Who the
fuck am I kidding?
|Wally Szczerbiak F 6’7 235
|| Basketball is just a side job for Wally since he’s doing
short shorts ads for K-Mart or some retarded shit like that. Having
an ugly mole and an uglier sense of the game can take you far
|Nikoloz Tskitishvili F 7’0 245
|| I figured out a long time ago that he’s just playing an elaborate
trick on the league. Why hasn’t anyone else figured it out?
|Bracey Wright G 6’3 210
|| Did he bracey himself for the looong fall he took on draft night!
HA HA! In all serious, you have a really dumb name, Bracey.
|Steve Blake G 6’3 172
||Finally, Telly from Kids finally gets a shot at the
big show. “Come on, Mista McMillan, play me. You’ll love
it. Yes, of course I love you.”
|Sam Clancy F 6’7 240
|| You can’t have an awful team that is lottery-bound and is
rebuilding unless you have an older, short power forward with no chance
of making the team
|Juan Dixon G 6’3 164
|| I’m convinced that Dixon would be absolutely lost on a team
if he didn’t have Steve Blake around.
|Jarrett Jack G 6’3 202
|| Awesome name but he’s playing behind a guy who is even younger
than he is and has no idea what he’s doing. Blazer Mania!
|Viktor Khryapa F 6’9 210
|Darius Miles G/F 6’9 210
|| Guard? You better hope Nate fixes that
|Sergei Monia F 6’8 220
||“This Blazers rotation is tough! It’s like a piece of
iron! I cannot break it!”
|Travis Outlaw 6’9 205
|| Watch out, Sergei Monia! Travis Outlaw is gunning for your minutes!
It must be awesome to be a Blazers fan nowadays
|Ruben Patterson F 6’6 223
|| The Kobe stopper! Where were you to stop Kobe from his fateful
night in Denver? Has that joke been made a million times already?
How bout this one: Do you really want Ruben behind anyone, even on
a depth chart?
|Joel Przybilla C 7’1 255
|| Joel’s limitless potential allows him to play about 20 minutes
a game and block a couple of shots. Amazing stuff.
|Zach Randolph F 6’9 253
|| Has anyone else averaged 20/10 with a smaller skillset? And has
there ever been another 6’9 black power forward who has managed
to block a shot once every 3 weeks?
|Theo Ratliff F/C 6’10 235
|| Beat out by Joel fucking Przybilla. Wow.
|Ha Seung-Jin C 7’3 305
|| I hope he actually makes the team this year. The more goofy white
guys who play means I am getting the most out of my League Pass subscription
|Charles Smith G 6’4 200
|| I didn’t even know he was still hanging around the league.
Didn’t he have some sort of fatal disease? “Here’s
your Blazers professional basketball uniform… and here is your
|Sebastian Telfair G 6’0 165
|| Has anyone else ever been drafted solely on pure hype? I remember
a guy name Darko Milicic who was! But hey, I’m sure he won’t
end up like that, Portland :o)
|Martell Webster F 6’7 210
||“Here at Blazers Nation, we are looking to instill discipline
and get back in touch with the fans that we have long lost since our
days of throwing money at malcontent players. We are looking to rid
ourselves of those days and that is why we took you, Martell; because
you are a fine young man. Now go ahead and take your seat behind Darius
Miles and Ruben Patterson.”
|Ray Allen G 6'5 205
||Throw a max contract at your 30-year-old shooting guard.
This is how you keep the Seattle 3-point dynasty together. $60+ million
can buy a lot of those fucking stupid overalls he wore in He Got Game
|Rick Brunson G 6'4 205
||Antonio Daniels to Rick Brunson is a bit of a drop-off. But hey
fantasy players, he's a fourth quarter garbage-time superstar!
|Mateen Cleaves G 6'2 205
||The richest cheerleader in the world. I still don't know how he
gets a job every year
|Nick Collison F 6'9 255
||Good ol' whitebread power forwards from the midwest. Hardly any
skills but he's white so America doesn't care so much!
|Reggie Evans F 6'8 245
||How did Seattle reward him for having to run down all of those long
rebounds from these stupid 3-point shooters? They didn't resign him
until like a day before training camp for like $2 million a year.
And how the hell did this guy average 20ppg in college? He can't even
make a layup
|Danny Fortson F/C 6'8 260
||What in the fuck is more embarassing than getting popped in the
mouth by a fat black guy with pig-tails?
|Rashard Lewis F 6'10 215
||Gets his first all-star berth simply because his team had a lot
of wins. We call that a Nowizki berth
|Mikki Moore C 7'0 223
||Did you know that the Pistons actually gave him a long-term contract
at one time? Now he can't even beat out these other idiots for a center
|Ronald Murray G 6'4 190
||What happened to Flip? He averaged 20ppg for like 2 weeks and then
everyone wanted to fuck him. Now he's making barely above the minimum.
Those Sonics know how to take care of their players!
|Johan Petro C 7'0 247
||How imposing can a french 7 footer be?
|Vitaly Potapenko C 6'10 285
||How imposing can a guy who looks like Jim Carrey from Dumb and Dumber
be? I think he even has the busted tooth
|Vladimir Radmanovic F 6'10 227
||YOU TURNED DOWN $42 MILLION? ARE YOU RETARDED? YOU'LL BE LUCKY TO
GET HALF OF THAT NEXT SUMMER, IDIOT
|Luke Ridnour G 6'2 175
||No more Antonio Daniels means more minutes for Luke! And less wins
|Robert Swift C 7'0 245
||I make a lot of jokes about NBA players and all but I know that
they're all very good and would kick my ass in a 1-on-1 game. Except
for this guy.
|Damien Wilkins F 6'6 225
||Anyone wanna give $16 million to a young guard who has had two major
knee injuries? Oh, hey Seattle!
|Carlos Boozer F 6’9 258
||He sure did look good coming out of Cleveland, didn’t
he? Then we all found out that he has absolutely no offensive game.
That’s nothing that $65 million can’t fix!
|Devin Brown G 6’5 220
|| The Spurs’ trash is Utah’s free agent acquisition of
the summer. Here comes the playoffs!
|Jarron Collins C 6’11 255
|| I read an article once on some complicated mathematical formula
for picking out great defensive players and this guy was in the top
5. How great of an equation can it be when a bunch of zeroes gets
you to the top?
|Gordan Giricek G 6’5 210
|| He’s a long-range shooter, did you know that? That certainly
surprised me when I read it recently
|Matt Harpring G/F 6’7 231
|| Which body part can you horribly injure this year?
|Kris Humphries F 6’9 235
|| Is he white or black? Flip a coin. He has to be black because I
can’t imagine a white guy who could only make about 40% of his
|Andrei Kirilenko F 6’9 225
|| Yeah, he fills up a box score. That would be pretty impressive
if he wasn’t still unable to score consistently and could actually
take his team to the playoffs. But hey, he does well in fantasy sports
so we can’t criticize him!
|Keith McLeod G 6’2 188
|| The funny part is that I’m sure Jerry Sloan will insist on
starting CBA All-Star McLeod instead of their #4 overall pick, Deron
Williams. I mean, they got so far with Keith last year that it’s
no wonder that they’re so hesitant to switch
|C.J. Miles G 6’6 210
|| You must’ve really hated the idea of going to college
|Mehmet Okur C 6’11 249
|| I feel really weird about calling a person ‘Memo’.
About as weird as I would feel about stealing money from Utah to sit
on the perimeter and jack up jump shots while being 7 feet tall and
out of shape.
|Greg Ostertag C 7’2 280
|| He has to be a sadomasochist or something. Maybe he’s just
around to show Okur how to piss Sloan off
|Milt Palacio G 6’3 210
|| I almost spelled out Milk instead of Milt, I feel like such an
idiot. I must’ve went to the same college Darius Miles went
|Robert Whaley C 6’10 260
|| He went to Walsh college. What do they teach you there? How to
get your kid kidnapped and murdered while learning how to parlay that
|Deron Williams G 6’3 210
|| Can the state of Utah handle a mixed-race point guard?