The Worst Time of Year: Central Division
By: Emilio Escobar
|Malik Allen F 6’10 250
||Ugh, at least when you were in Miami you had decent
players ahead of you on the depth chart. Sweetney and Songaila? You
just plain suck now
|Eddie Basden G 6’5 215
|| Eddie Basden sounds more like a cooky next-door neighbor character
in a sitcom more than it does a basketball player’s name. “Yo,
Eddie! No, not you! The one with the heart that works!”
|Tyson Chandler F 7’1 235
|| He rebounds like crazy but he’s more fucking fragile than
those shitty sideburns that he can barely grow on the side of his
face. But he only has one job: rebound all of those awful shots Ben
Gordon and Kirk Hinrich take
|Luol Deng G/F 6’8 220
|| Ready for year two of the Luol era, Chicago?
|Chris Duhon G 6’1 185
|| Scott Skiles loves his shitty point guards who would be third-stringers
on any other team
|Ben Gordon G 6’3 200
|| Ben has it all figured out! Why bother playing the first 36 minutes
of a game when you can just shoot like crazy in the final 12? Those
guys like Michael Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain were suckers.
|Othella Harrington F 6’9 235
|| Has slightly better post moves than an emu and a mustache that
any middle-aged cop would be proud of
|Kirk Hinrich G 6’3 190
|| I would definitely move my best point guard over to the 2 guard
spot so I can start a marginally talented slow point guard. Scott
Skiles knows mediocre point guards when he sees them!
|Andres Nocioni F 6’7 225
|| The only player from Europe who does not ask you if its ok before
he grabs a rebound. Astonishing!
|Jannero Pargo G 6’1 175
|| Comes off the bench in the last 2 minutes of games and scores 50
points. Imagine what he’d do in 48 minutes!!!
|Eric Piatkowski G/F 6’7 215
|| The Polish Rifle gets paid to shoot blanks? Why couldn’t
Shawn Kemp get in on that deal? OLD AND PLAYED-OUT SHAWN KEMP JOKE
|Darius Songaila F 6’9 248
|| Left Sacramento, where he was a backup, to be a backup in Chicago.
Looks like that complacency rubbed off of Chris Webber really well
|Mike Sweetney F 6’8 270
|| Dear Diary, Today I was told that I was traded from the Knicks
to the Bulls. I am terrified by the thought of actually having to
be in shape because the coach may play me for longer than 2 minutes.
What am I to do?
|Tim Thomas F 6’10 240
|| Five years later after the Bulls tried to throw a ton of money
at him, Chicago lands him. I bet they’re ecstatic!
|Martynas Andriuskevicius C 7’2 240
||He looks like a faggoty, skinny tyrannosaurus rex
|Drew Gooden F 6’10 242
|| Cleveland’s plan for an NBA title: Surround LeBron with other
scorers and role players who would rather pass than shoot but can
score if needed to. Cleveland’s plan for ultimately failing:
Having Drew Gooden shooting the fucking ball every single time he
touches the thing
|Alan Henderson F 6’9 240
|| He’ll be in some sort of cast within a month of opening day
|Larry Hughes G 6’5 184
|| Shooting guards who can’t shoot: Larry Hughes is revolutionizing
|Zyndrunas Ilgauskas C 7’3 260
|| What happened last time Big Z got a contract extension? You fucks
in Cleveland didn’t see him for a good 2 or 3 years
|Luke Jackson F 6’7 215
|| Those lofty expectations of sitting out on the 3 point line and
hit a shot here and there are very hard to reach, Luke, but we know
you can do it. Now go sit with Anderson in the bathroom and make sure
your hair is nice and curly so people can pay attention to that instead
of your nonexistent talent
|LeBron James F 6’8 240
|| Even Jordan got his shitty teams into the playoffs each year. And
here you are, in your third season, and were supposed to take your
little team to the playoffs and you choked badly both times. What
would you do when you’re sitting at home after you lost 8 of
your last 10 regular season games to miss the playoffs for the second
straight year? You reach for a cold, refreshing Sprite! Shpladow!
|Damon Jones G 6’3 190
|| Want a tip on how to get undeservedly rich? Just keep talking and
talking and talking throughout the playoffs when you’re a shitty
guard who belongs in the USBL and can only make wide-open 3’s.
If you talk enough then someone will think you are a cool personality
and sign you even though you’re not worth a damn unless a big
lug is down low calling for the ball while you desperately heave up
|Donyell Marshall F 6’9 230
|| This guy is going to be your starting center when Z pulls up lame
this year. Have fun!
|Ira Newble G/F 6’7 200
|| He can be an incapable scorer at 3 different positions! How can
you cut a guy like that?
|Sasha Pavlovic G/F 6’7 210
|| Cleveland couldn’t shoot a 3 at all last year. So what did
they do? They gathered up as many as they could find and made sure
that they couldn’t do a single other thing besides shoot 3’s.
Good job, Cleveland!
|Eric Snow G 6’3 205
|| How do you know when you’re going to miss the playoffs when
everyone is predicting that you’ll go very far? By starting
Eric Snow’s decomposing corpse at point guard and then justify
it by saying he plays good defense.
|Anderson Varejao F 6’10 230
|| Yes, we know about the stupid hair and how he rebounds sometimes.
Shut the fuck up about it already
|Alex Acker G 6’5 185
||Another name that doesn’t sound like a basketball
player’s name at all. You expect to see that name on some sort
of campaign sign. “Alex Acker: A Name You Can Trust!”
Instead, you’ll see “Detroit Pistons: Waived Alex Acker”
|Carlos Arroyo G 6’2 202
|| Yeah, OK Pistons fans, blame your entire Finals loss on your backup
|Chauncey Billups G 6’3 202
|| Maybe he’ll be able to actually play now that he doesn’t
have a decomposing coach yelling at him in a mono-toned voice from
the sidelines. PLAY THE RIGHT WAY PLAY THE RIGHT WAY PLAY THE RI what
the fuck does that mean anyway?
|Dale Davis C 6’11 250
|| What I love about teams who are supposed ‘contenders’
is how they sign a broken-down center and he becomes the “missing
piece” whereas if the same guy signed with Atlanta then nobody
would give a shit. He sucks either way and the only piece that’s
missing is his prostate
|Carlos Delfino G 6’6 230
|| Well, Pistons fans, I guess he really wasn’t exactly like
Ginobili, was he?
|Ronald Dupree F 6’7 209
|| This guy was your backup for Tayshaun but now you have….
|Maurice Evans G 6’5 220
|| Who the fuck is this guy?
|Richard Hamilton G 6’7 193
|| Run run run run run run until you get the ball, Richard! Those
big bad guys who are in shape and work on other facets of their games
besides shooting are chasing after you! And take that fucking mask
|Lindsey Hunter G 6’2 195
|| Another “missing piece”: A broken-down guard who is
said to have played defense but really doesn’t do much more
than miss a lot of jumpers while Billups gets yelled at by Larry Brown
|Amir Johnson F 6’9 210
|| Isn’t this a wrestler’s name? Am I going to stumble
onto an entry for Sparky Plug in a few minutes?
|Jason Maxiell F 6’7 260
|| Darvin Ham left so you thought your token undersized power forward
was finally gone, huh Pistons fans?
|Antonio McDyess F 6’9 245
|| An entire season of McDyess means you should be even more worried
now if you’re a Pistons fan! However, nothing topped his first
game as a Piston when he got ejected for kicking a ball into the stands.
Doesn’t that just scream, “MISSING PIECE”?
|Darko Milicic F/C 7’0 250
|| Every year we come up with a new reason why Darko isn’t succeeding
yet. I love it. He’s like our new Olowokandi.
|Tayshaun Prince F 6’9 215
|| I’ll make a deal with you, God: You give me freakishly long
arms and I’ll go ahead and take an underdeveloped body, completely
fucked up teeth, a tiny head and a jump shot that could be misconstrued
as a vulgar gesture. Deal?
|Ben Wallace F/C 6’9 240
|| Every time Ben Wallace plays, a horrified little boy in the front
row of every Pistons game wonders if his mommy locked the front door
|Rasheed Wallace F/C 6’11 230
|| You still look like a crazy single dad who just hangs out on the
corner and drinks Colt 45 out of a brown paper bag with a cigarette
butt hanging off of your top lip
|Ron Artest F 6’7 252
|| It was actually kind of nice to see the Pacers' offense
look somewhat competent. Without Ron shooting all of those 3's with
that fucking disgusting jump shot of his, they almost looked pretty
good out there. Too bad he put on another 20lbs and is committed to
chucking up even more shots now. Everyone loves a 260lb "small"
|Jonathan Bender F 7’0 235
|| According to this knee surgery punch card, Bender’s next
operation is free!
|Austin Croshere F 6’10 240
|| The Pacers could dangle the cure for AIDS with Croshere at this
point and nobody would take him.
|Jeff Foster C 6’11 242
|| He probably rebounds so well simply because he doesn’t wanna
get yanked out of the game and have to sit next to fucking Scot Pollard.
That’s enough to keep me motivated
|Eddie Gill G 6’0 186
|| The name just exudes confidence, doesn’t it?
|Danny Granger F 6’8 225
|| Ok rookie, your first chore of the year is to run up into the stands,
punch that bitch’s boyfriend in the face and tell her that I’m
staying in room #203
|David Harrison C 7’0 280
|| Watching this fatass try to play real minutes on a basketball court
may have been the highlight of the entire brawl aftermath. A close
second: watching John Edwards play
|Stephen Jackson G/F 6’8 218
|| Stephen is both the scariest and goofiest looking player in the
league. What gets me laughing is imagining how the conversations between
him and Rick Carlisle go
|Sarunas Jasikevicius G 6’4 195
|| Why did the Pacers sign him? It’s like Indiana was worried
about their point guard position or something
|Anthony Johnson G 6’3 195
|| The point guard position is that of skill, elusiveness, and great
knowledge. You have to know not only what your role in a play is but
also everyone else’s role. For this, you will need a balding,
ashy, pudgy point guard who likes to shoot a lot.
|Fred Jones G 6’4 220
|| Why is every lucky-to-even-be-listed-at-6’2 guard up to 6’4
all of a sudden?
|Jermaine O’Neal F 6’11 260
|| Went from a villain in that stupid brawl to a kind, sweet gentleman
after donating some money for those tsunami people. It’s good
to know that some things never change though because someone mentioned
the NBA playoffs and Jermaine began faking another knee injury
|Scot Pollard C 6’11 265
|| Oh Scot, do another wacky thing for us! You know, something really
unusual, like get off of the bench
|Jamaal Tinsley G 6’3 183
|| With the rampant success of pudgy point guards in this league,
it boggles my mind as to why Indiana decided to sign Jasikevicius
|Andre Barrett G 5’10 172
||Keep the car running, Andre
|Charlie Bell G 6’3 200
|| He’s the CBA MVP or the NBDL MVP or whatever the fuck league,
who gives a shit?
|Andrew Bogut C 7’0 245
|| Andrew brings the stylish emo haircut to the great state of Wisconsin,
where we can only hope that it generates as much interest as Bryant
Reeves’ buzzcut did in Vancouver. And yes, I did just compare
Bogut to Reeves and I won’t stop at just the hair. Get your
playoff tickets while they last
|Josh Davis F 6’8 240
|| Andre is waiting for you in the car, Josh. If you hurry then you’ll
be able to make it back to North Charleston City for the next Snow
|T.J. Ford G 6’0 165
|| During the 2003 draft, people were saying that Ford was lucky to
be considered 5’10. Now they fuse his spine together with some
paper clips and he’s 6’0 all of a sudden. Also, every
stupid publication in the country is picking Milwaukee to go to the
playoffs this season. With what? A slow, white center and a small
point guard fresh off of spine surgery?
|Dan Gadzuric C 6’11 240 C
|| Twinkle Toes somehow got a new contract when he can’t even
play longer than 20 minutes out of a whole game
|Reece Gaines G 6’6 205
|| How did he end up on the Bucks’ roster? Did someone actually
sign him as a free agent?
|Brandon Hunter F 6’7 255
|| Reason #341234 why every newspaper is fucking retarded for picking
the Bucks to make the playoffs this year: Brandon Hunter actually
has a relatively good shot at getting the starting PF job
|Ersan Ilyasova F 6’9 235
|| Can you do anything in the paint whatsoever? Ok, here is your Bucks
jersey and a contract extension.
|Ervin Johnson C 6’11 255
|| The big man you can be proud to bring home to mom!
|Toni Kukoc F 6’11 235
|| Has this guy even played the past two years? I was honestly astonished
when I saw he was still on Milwaukee’s roster.
|Desmond Mason G/F 6’5 222
|| Still doesn’t do anything except dunk and drive at the basket.
Its like his coaches just gave up on him
|Michael Redd G 6’6 215
|| White players who shoot a lot of 3’s are considered 3-point
specialists and get paid anywhere from the minimum to about $3 million
a year. Black players who shoot a lot of 3’s are considered
sharpshooters and get the max thrown at them. RACISM!!!
|Bobby Simmons G/F 6’6 228
|| Going from the Clippers to the Bucks has to be sort of like narrowly
avoiding the Ebola virus but then finding out the Clippers traded
|Joe Smith F 6’10 225
|| Pure Hustle: The Story of #1 Overall Pick, Joe Smith! A heartwarming
tale of one man’s struggle to become the only player traded
from the Warriors and not become an all-star
|Tommy Smith F 6’10 215
|| If you’re a 6’10 big man then Tommy isn’t the
most intimidating name in the world. More intimidating names include
Billy, Jimmy, Herbie, Eugene, Dilly Bar, and Wet Wash Cloth. Being
215lbs probably doesn’t help either
|Jiri Welsch G/F 6’7 208
|| I bet Boston feels pretty stupid, huh? Well, imagine how stupid
Cleveland feels after giving up a 1st round pick to trade for this
dipshit. Did they even play him at all?
|Maurice Williams G 6’1 185
|| I am a 6’1 point guard who can’t shoot and decided
to leave college after two years because I didn’t want other
teams to find out I couldn’t shoot. Would you like to sign me
away from the Jazz?