The Worst Time of Year: Atlantic Division
By: Emilio Escobar
|Tony Allen G 6’4 213
||Tony must’ve learned basketball
from Darius Miles. Word to the wise, Mr. Allen: Only being a dunker
will get you through your first year but it won’t fly for very
long after that
|Marcus Banks G 6’2 200
|| Boy oh boy, fantasy geeks, imagine how many steals he had if he
played 48 minutes a game!!!
|Mark Blount C 7’0 250
||“I lost my job to Raef LaFrentz”
|Curtis Borchardt C 7’0 240
|| “I couldn’t hold a roster spot at center with the Utah
|Will Bynum G 6’0 185
|| Not even being able to start on your college team gets you a shot
in training camp for an NBA roster. What does that tell you about
|Ricky Davis G/F 6’7 195
|| We all love Ricky because he’s like that player you create
in streetball video games and you give him cornrows and wacky sideburns
and you want him to do so good that you never let him pass the ball
|Dan Dickau G 6’0 190
|| Way to go, Dan. You parlayed your success as a member of a really
shitty team into a slight chance at being a backup on a playoff 8
seed contender. Keep working your way up and you might end up as the
towel boy with the Spurs
|Ryan Gomes F 6’7 250
|| The sky is the limit for Danny Fortson clones, we all know that
|Gerald Green F 6’8 200
|| It must be a blast having sex with Gerald since he always has the
shocker ready to go
|Al Jefferson F 6’10 265
|| Everyone was so impressed by how good of a rebounder he was for
an 18 year old that they all just conveniently forgot how awful of
an offensive player he was and how he can’t play defense at
all. But keep bulking up, Al!
|Raef LaFrentz F/C 6’11 245
|| For every 3 that this sharpshooting big man connects on, Raef generously
donates $100 towards the Raef LaFrentz Reconstructive Knee Surgery
|Kendrick Perkins F/C 6’11 245
|| Your job the entire year was to make just one of two stupid free
throws in the playoffs and you couldn’t even do that. You’re
|Paul Pierce G 6’6 230
|| How many Tommy points do you get for feuding with your coach all
|Justin Reed F 6’8 240
|| Keep hanging onto that 12th roster spot Justin, Boston needs you
|Brian Scalabrine F 6’9 235
|| $15 million for a redheaded Michael Rappaport look-a-like except
Mike has a better game.
|Delonte West G 6’4 180
|| Apparently getting lip herpes makes you grow another 2 inches
New Jersey Nets
|Vince Carter G/F 6’6 220
|| For awhile after the trade, we
actually thought you were back to being the old Vince Carter. Forgive
us for jumping to conclusions!
|Jason Collins F/C 7’0 255
||You lost your starting center job to a guy whose last name can’t
even be pronounced correctly because its missing about 4 vowels. Congratulations
|Ben Handlogten F 6’10 240
|| I figured that annoying chinese kid would be the first person from
The Goonies to land an NBA contract
|Marc Jackson F/C 6’10 253
||Remember when he almost won the Rookie of the Year award as a 27
year old or however old he was? Now he just constantly yells and looks
like he’s about to cry all the time
|Richard Jefferson F 6’7 225
|| It was fun watching you try to be a #1 scoring option for awhile
|Arthur Johnson F/C 6’8 260
|| Does it get any better than a 6’8 center? Someone should
put together a highlight reel of 6’9-and-under centers.
|Linton Johnson F 6’8 225
|| When you are naming your child, always try to name him something
in between “lint” and “lipton”. Perhaps combine
the names of the two objects at the very bottom of your trash basket.
|Jason Kidd G 6’4 210
|| Fast break offense with two good athletes doesn’t really
work when the guy pushing the ball can’t run. But hey, lets
|Nenad Krstic F/C 7’0 240
|| My name is Nenad and I am here to guide you to the playoffs
|Jeff McInnis G 6’4 179
|| Was New Jersey scared that Zoran Planinic wouldn’t produce
again when Kidd’s knee exploded again?
|Lamond Murray F 6’7 235
|| He just drifts around and doesn’t produce at all until he
ends up on a team with a good point guard. Too bad you didn’t
sign with the Nets 3 years ago
|Scott Padgett F 6’9 240
|| You could never tell he went to Kentucky by looking at his ugly
|Zoran Planinic G 6’7 200
|| What the fuck kind of name is Zoran anyway? Was his mother just
along too late and couldn’t get an abortion so she just decided
to name him Zoran and hope he killed himself and saved her the grief?
|Clifford Robinson F/C 6’10 240
|| The two guys in the NBA who always look like they’re about
to cry are actually on the same team! I love it. Shed a tear for ol’
Cliff when another rebound sails over his crusty, wrinkled, inaccurate
3-point shooting hands. But just remember, Kevin Garnett said he played
good defense one time so lets keep giving him money!
|Jacque Vaughn G 6’1 190
|| How do you stay in the NBA for 8 or 9 years and still not know
how to fucking shoot a jump shot? Do you still have little dreams
of Dick Vitale screaming your name for a half hour as you almost drop
to the 2nd round of the NBA Draft?
|Antoine Wright G/F 6’7 210
|| Who needs Shareef when you have a rookie to back up the only two
positions on your team with players that are worth a damn?
|Derrick Zimmerman G 6’3 195
|| Warriors fans know more about this guy than half of their own players
for whatever reason
New York Knicks
|Trevor Ariza F 6’8 200
||Absolutely no jump shot at all
and not much of a future in the league at all but New York loves him!
|Steven Barber G 5’10 160
|| Isn’t NYC supposed to be the Mecca of point guards? Couldn’t
you just pick some random idiot at a Rucker game and do better than
a 5’10 guy named Steven Barber?
|Matt Barnes F 6’7 235
|| How watered down is the NBA now? This guy keeps getting minutes
|Jackie Butler F/C 6’10 250
|| At least New York doesn’t have to come up with fake injuries
for you anymore
|Jamal Crawford G 6’5 190
|| Who will start: Houston or Crawford? Is the anticipation killing
|Eddy Curry C 6’11 285
|| I’m sure this will work out very well
|Antonio Davis F/C 6’9 245
|| Was there anymore more painful to watch in the playoffs than Chicago’s
front line trying to score points? Antonio Davis and Othella Harrington
to the rescue
|Channing Frye C 6’11 248
|| So whats Fred Weis up to these days?
|Otis George F/C 6’8 225
|| A 6’8 center named Otis! Fantastic job, Isiah. Maybe you
can find a 5’3 point guard at Rucker named Milo now
|Anfernee Hardaway G/F 6’7 215
|| Don’t you wish Neon was still around, Butch?
|Allan Houston G 6’6 205
|| Larry Brown says a guy who has barely played in two years is their
best player. Sounds like the playoff drought will be ending very soon
|Jerome James C 7’1 272
|| How in the hell can anyone even be a Knicks fan anymore? Do you
just look at this roster and start cutting yourself?
|David Lee F 6’9 249
|| With that NBA contract you should be able to clear up that acne
|Stephon Marbury G 6’2 200
|| When are you going to shave that stupid mustache off?
|Quentin Richardson G/F 6’6 230
|| Completely ignore your rebounding skills and keep shooting those
threes. If you didn’t shoot so many 3’s then it would
take you more shots to score just as many points. Think about THAT
|Nate Robinson G 5’9 180
|| Your new Spud Webb, hopefully complete with a haircut after he
wins the dunk contest that looks like a blind man with rusty clippers
|Malik Rose F 6’7 245
|| He might be 6’7 if he wears stilts but that doesn’t
stop him from reaching all the way up to the counter to cash his giant
|Maurice Taylor F 6’9 255
|| Do you really have another favorite PF that blows out his knee
and takes 3 years to lose the weight he accumulated while “rehabbing”?
I certainly don’t
|Michael Bradley F 6’10 245
||Your favorite trade throw-in!
|Steve Castleberry C 7’0 245
|| When I picture a guy named Steve Castleberry I just picture a pimply
tall guy with ice on both of his knees sipping the milk out of a half-eaten
bowl of cereal
|Samuel Dalembert C 6’11 250
|| $10 million a year for a guy who hasn’t even played a full
season of NBA ball yet. Where’s my ice and cereal bowl?
|Olu Famutimi G/F 6’5 212
|| You’re only allowed to have an unpronounceable name if you’re
|Deng Gai F 6’9 250
|| That dang guy just got cut again!
|Willie Green G 6’4 200
|| Gets resigned, blows his knee out, gets his contract torn up. Who
needed scoring anyway on a team like this?
|Steven Hunter F/C 7’0 240
|| How to steal money from the NBA: grow freakishly tall, be a reserve
big man on a wildly successful and exciting team, continue to play
|Andre Iguodala G/F 6’6 207
|| In retrospect, I’m glad I got to see Chris Andersen attempt
2 dunks about 25 times instead of see Andre try to dunk.
|Allen Iverson G 6’0 165
|| Your whole act only gets more adorable with age!
|Kyle Korver F 6’7 210
|| Tim Legler, Jr. better be thankful that he plays for the dumbest
GM on the planet or else he’d be begging teams for the minimum
|Herve Lamizana F 6’10 215
|| How the fuck is ‘Herve’ a name?
|Jamal Mashburn F 6’8 247
|| Do you think anyone from Philly has even talked to him since he
was traded? And answer this honestly, how many of you even knew he
was ‘playing’ for Philly?
|Lee Nailon F 6’9 238
|| Got scoring problems on your shitty lottery team? Sign Lee Nailon!
He’s always waiting for your call so he can become a defensive
liability but score 10 points every 3 games or so
|Kevin Ollie G 6’2 195
||Remember when he set the league on fire and earned that 6-year contract?
|Shavlik Randolph F 6’10 240
|John Salmons G/F 6’7 210
|| No matter how many positions you are able to play, you still suck
|James Thomas F 6’8 235
|| Kenny Thomas, James Thomas, what’s the difference really?
Besides the $51 million you retards gave one of them
|Ime Udoka F 6’6 215
|| Can someone just name him Toby and whip him, I don’t even
wanna try pronouncing that
|Chris Webber F 6’10 245
|| How many fucking years does it take for you to heal from that stupid
knee injury? Are you gonna use it as an excuse for everything? “Tyra,
sorry, I forgot to pull out… because of my knee and all”
|Louis Williams G 6’2 175
|| Learning from the best on how to be an inefficient small guard
|Rafael Araujo C 6’11 280
||Every NBA team needs to spend
a lottery pick on a big white center who can’t do much else
besides set a pick and throw a good cheap shot at a smaller player
|Matt Bonner F 6’10 240
|| Red hair? Check. Three-point shooter? Check. Outrageous contract?
|Chris Bosh F 6’10 240
|| Future 10-time NBA All-Star for the Los Angeles Lakers after they
trade him for Kwame Brown and Devean George
|Jose Calderon G 6’3 205
|| Your teammates in Spain were a lot better, you should’ve
|Joey Graham F 6’7 225
|| I wish I could’ve seen Toronto management sweat out the decision
to draft him or one of the many enticing european 7-footers who had
no desire to play in the US
|Mike James G 6’2 188
|| Can you make Toronto fans forget Rafer Alston?
|Morris Peterson G/F 6’7 215
|| Those home/road splits are great Morris, keep up the good work
|Jalen Rose G/F 6’8 215
|| You and your annual 40% FG% simply cannot be stopped Jalen, you’re
|Pape Sow F 6’10 250
|| Nope, sowwy, you can't pway!
|Charlie Villanueva F 6’11 240
|| I would spend my lottery pick on a backup for my best player too.
Rob Babcock is NOT an idiot!
|Aaron Williams F/C 6’9 230
|| Aaron Williams and Jason Kidd: The “They’re Black?”
|Alvin Williams G 6’5 195
|| He still plays? Those contracts from 2001 sure are looking great,
|Eric Williams G/F 6’8 220
|| Eric is what 50 Cent would look like if those 9 bullets were lodged
in his knees
|Loren Woods C 7’1 260
|| You gotta feel for Loren. First, he had to follow in Tim Duncan’s
steps at Wake Forest but poor lil Loren couldn’t handle it so
he went to Arizona. Now he has to keep up the great tradition of Toronto
centers and he just can’t seem to do it. I’d like to see
YOU try to live up to expectations as a 2nd round pick and eat out
Rafael Araujo for a starting center spot!