The Worst Time of Year: Atlantic Division

By: Emilio Escobar



Boston Celtics

Tony Allen G 6’4 213 Tony must’ve learned basketball from Darius Miles. Word to the wise, Mr. Allen: Only being a dunker will get you through your first year but it won’t fly for very long after that
Marcus Banks G 6’2 200 Boy oh boy, fantasy geeks, imagine how many steals he had if he played 48 minutes a game!!!
Mark Blount C 7’0 250 “I lost my job to Raef LaFrentz”
Curtis Borchardt C 7’0 240 “I couldn’t hold a roster spot at center with the Utah Jazz”
Will Bynum G 6’0 185 Not even being able to start on your college team gets you a shot in training camp for an NBA roster. What does that tell you about the Celtics?
Ricky Davis G/F 6’7 195 We all love Ricky because he’s like that player you create in streetball video games and you give him cornrows and wacky sideburns and you want him to do so good that you never let him pass the ball
Dan Dickau G 6’0 190 Way to go, Dan. You parlayed your success as a member of a really shitty team into a slight chance at being a backup on a playoff 8 seed contender. Keep working your way up and you might end up as the towel boy with the Spurs
Ryan Gomes F 6’7 250 The sky is the limit for Danny Fortson clones, we all know that
Gerald Green F 6’8 200 It must be a blast having sex with Gerald since he always has the shocker ready to go
Al Jefferson F 6’10 265 Everyone was so impressed by how good of a rebounder he was for an 18 year old that they all just conveniently forgot how awful of an offensive player he was and how he can’t play defense at all. But keep bulking up, Al!
Raef LaFrentz F/C 6’11 245 For every 3 that this sharpshooting big man connects on, Raef generously donates $100 towards the Raef LaFrentz Reconstructive Knee Surgery Foundation
Kendrick Perkins F/C 6’11 245 Your job the entire year was to make just one of two stupid free throws in the playoffs and you couldn’t even do that. You’re worthless, Kendrick
Paul Pierce G 6’6 230 How many Tommy points do you get for feuding with your coach all year?
Justin Reed F 6’8 240 Keep hanging onto that 12th roster spot Justin, Boston needs you
Brian Scalabrine F 6’9 235 $15 million for a redheaded Michael Rappaport look-a-like except Mike has a better game.
Delonte West G 6’4 180 Apparently getting lip herpes makes you grow another 2 inches


New Jersey Nets

Vince Carter G/F 6’6 220 For awhile after the trade, we actually thought you were back to being the old Vince Carter. Forgive us for jumping to conclusions!
Jason Collins F/C 7’0 255 You lost your starting center job to a guy whose last name can’t even be pronounced correctly because its missing about 4 vowels. Congratulations
Ben Handlogten F 6’10 240 I figured that annoying chinese kid would be the first person from The Goonies to land an NBA contract
Marc Jackson F/C 6’10 253 Remember when he almost won the Rookie of the Year award as a 27 year old or however old he was? Now he just constantly yells and looks like he’s about to cry all the time
Richard Jefferson F 6’7 225 It was fun watching you try to be a #1 scoring option for awhile
Arthur Johnson F/C 6’8 260 Does it get any better than a 6’8 center? Someone should put together a highlight reel of 6’9-and-under centers.
Linton Johnson F 6’8 225 When you are naming your child, always try to name him something in between “lint” and “lipton”. Perhaps combine the names of the two objects at the very bottom of your trash basket.
Jason Kidd G 6’4 210 Fast break offense with two good athletes doesn’t really work when the guy pushing the ball can’t run. But hey, lets keep trying
Nenad Krstic F/C 7’0 240 My name is Nenad and I am here to guide you to the playoffs
Jeff McInnis G 6’4 179 Was New Jersey scared that Zoran Planinic wouldn’t produce again when Kidd’s knee exploded again?
Lamond Murray F 6’7 235 He just drifts around and doesn’t produce at all until he ends up on a team with a good point guard. Too bad you didn’t sign with the Nets 3 years ago
Scott Padgett F 6’9 240 You could never tell he went to Kentucky by looking at his ugly inbred face
Zoran Planinic G 6’7 200 What the fuck kind of name is Zoran anyway? Was his mother just along too late and couldn’t get an abortion so she just decided to name him Zoran and hope he killed himself and saved her the grief?
Clifford Robinson F/C 6’10 240 The two guys in the NBA who always look like they’re about to cry are actually on the same team! I love it. Shed a tear for ol’ Cliff when another rebound sails over his crusty, wrinkled, inaccurate 3-point shooting hands. But just remember, Kevin Garnett said he played good defense one time so lets keep giving him money!
Jacque Vaughn G 6’1 190 How do you stay in the NBA for 8 or 9 years and still not know how to fucking shoot a jump shot? Do you still have little dreams of Dick Vitale screaming your name for a half hour as you almost drop to the 2nd round of the NBA Draft?
Antoine Wright G/F 6’7 210 Who needs Shareef when you have a rookie to back up the only two positions on your team with players that are worth a damn?
Derrick Zimmerman G 6’3 195 Warriors fans know more about this guy than half of their own players for whatever reason


New York Knicks

Trevor Ariza F 6’8 200 Absolutely no jump shot at all and not much of a future in the league at all but New York loves him!
Steven Barber G 5’10 160 Isn’t NYC supposed to be the Mecca of point guards? Couldn’t you just pick some random idiot at a Rucker game and do better than a 5’10 guy named Steven Barber?
Matt Barnes F 6’7 235 How watered down is the NBA now? This guy keeps getting minutes
Jackie Butler F/C 6’10 250 At least New York doesn’t have to come up with fake injuries for you anymore
Jamal Crawford G 6’5 190 Who will start: Houston or Crawford? Is the anticipation killing you too?
Eddy Curry C 6’11 285 I’m sure this will work out very well
Antonio Davis F/C 6’9 245 Was there anymore more painful to watch in the playoffs than Chicago’s front line trying to score points? Antonio Davis and Othella Harrington to the rescue
Channing Frye C 6’11 248 So whats Fred Weis up to these days?
Otis George F/C 6’8 225 A 6’8 center named Otis! Fantastic job, Isiah. Maybe you can find a 5’3 point guard at Rucker named Milo now
Anfernee Hardaway G/F 6’7 215 Don’t you wish Neon was still around, Butch?
Allan Houston G 6’6 205 Larry Brown says a guy who has barely played in two years is their best player. Sounds like the playoff drought will be ending very soon
Jerome James C 7’1 272 How in the hell can anyone even be a Knicks fan anymore? Do you just look at this roster and start cutting yourself?
David Lee F 6’9 249 With that NBA contract you should be able to clear up that acne now
Stephon Marbury G 6’2 200 When are you going to shave that stupid mustache off?
Quentin Richardson G/F 6’6 230 Completely ignore your rebounding skills and keep shooting those threes. If you didn’t shoot so many 3’s then it would take you more shots to score just as many points. Think about THAT logic!!!
Nate Robinson G 5’9 180 Your new Spud Webb, hopefully complete with a haircut after he wins the dunk contest that looks like a blind man with rusty clippers cut it
Malik Rose F 6’7 245 He might be 6’7 if he wears stilts but that doesn’t stop him from reaching all the way up to the counter to cash his giant paychecks
Maurice Taylor F 6’9 255 Do you really have another favorite PF that blows out his knee and takes 3 years to lose the weight he accumulated while “rehabbing”? I certainly don’t


Philadelphia 76ers

Michael Bradley F 6’10 245 Your favorite trade throw-in!
Steve Castleberry C 7’0 245 When I picture a guy named Steve Castleberry I just picture a pimply tall guy with ice on both of his knees sipping the milk out of a half-eaten bowl of cereal
Samuel Dalembert C 6’11 250 $10 million a year for a guy who hasn’t even played a full season of NBA ball yet. Where’s my ice and cereal bowl?
Olu Famutimi G/F 6’5 212 You’re only allowed to have an unpronounceable name if you’re a center
Deng Gai F 6’9 250 That dang guy just got cut again!
Willie Green G 6’4 200 Gets resigned, blows his knee out, gets his contract torn up. Who needed scoring anyway on a team like this?
Steven Hunter F/C 7’0 240 How to steal money from the NBA: grow freakishly tall, be a reserve big man on a wildly successful and exciting team, continue to play like shit
Andre Iguodala G/F 6’6 207 In retrospect, I’m glad I got to see Chris Andersen attempt 2 dunks about 25 times instead of see Andre try to dunk.
Allen Iverson G 6’0 165 Your whole act only gets more adorable with age!
Kyle Korver F 6’7 210 Tim Legler, Jr. better be thankful that he plays for the dumbest GM on the planet or else he’d be begging teams for the minimum right now
Herve Lamizana F 6’10 215 How the fuck is ‘Herve’ a name?
Jamal Mashburn F 6’8 247 Do you think anyone from Philly has even talked to him since he was traded? And answer this honestly, how many of you even knew he was ‘playing’ for Philly?
Lee Nailon F 6’9 238 Got scoring problems on your shitty lottery team? Sign Lee Nailon! He’s always waiting for your call so he can become a defensive liability but score 10 points every 3 games or so
Kevin Ollie G 6’2 195 Remember when he set the league on fire and earned that 6-year contract?
Shavlik Randolph F 6’10 240 hahaha
John Salmons G/F 6’7 210 No matter how many positions you are able to play, you still suck
James Thomas F 6’8 235 Kenny Thomas, James Thomas, what’s the difference really? Besides the $51 million you retards gave one of them
Ime Udoka F 6’6 215 Can someone just name him Toby and whip him, I don’t even wanna try pronouncing that
Chris Webber F 6’10 245 How many fucking years does it take for you to heal from that stupid knee injury? Are you gonna use it as an excuse for everything? “Tyra, sorry, I forgot to pull out… because of my knee and all”
Louis Williams G 6’2 175 Learning from the best on how to be an inefficient small guard


Toronto Raptors

Rafael Araujo C 6’11 280 Every NBA team needs to spend a lottery pick on a big white center who can’t do much else besides set a pick and throw a good cheap shot at a smaller player
Matt Bonner F 6’10 240 Red hair? Check. Three-point shooter? Check. Outrageous contract? TBA
Chris Bosh F 6’10 240 Future 10-time NBA All-Star for the Los Angeles Lakers after they trade him for Kwame Brown and Devean George
Jose Calderon G 6’3 205 Your teammates in Spain were a lot better, you should’ve stayed there
Joey Graham F 6’7 225 I wish I could’ve seen Toronto management sweat out the decision to draft him or one of the many enticing european 7-footers who had no desire to play in the US
Mike James G 6’2 188 Can you make Toronto fans forget Rafer Alston?
Morris Peterson G/F 6’7 215 Those home/road splits are great Morris, keep up the good work
Jalen Rose G/F 6’8 215 You and your annual 40% FG% simply cannot be stopped Jalen, you’re right
Pape Sow F 6’10 250 Nope, sowwy, you can't pway!
Charlie Villanueva F 6’11 240 I would spend my lottery pick on a backup for my best player too. Rob Babcock is NOT an idiot!
Aaron Williams F/C 6’9 230 Aaron Williams and Jason Kidd: The “They’re Black?” All-Star Team!
Alvin Williams G 6’5 195 He still plays? Those contracts from 2001 sure are looking great, huh Toronto?
Eric Williams G/F 6’8 220 Eric is what 50 Cent would look like if those 9 bullets were lodged in his knees
Loren Woods C 7’1 260 You gotta feel for Loren. First, he had to follow in Tim Duncan’s steps at Wake Forest but poor lil Loren couldn’t handle it so he went to Arizona. Now he has to keep up the great tradition of Toronto centers and he just can’t seem to do it. I’d like to see YOU try to live up to expectations as a 2nd round pick and eat out Rafael Araujo for a starting center spot!