| Tariq Abdul-Wahad G/F 6’6 230 |
I always feel oh so sorry for guys making $50 million
and don’t even have to play a child’s game to earn it
anymore. It’s all a conspiracy against you, Olivier! |
| Calvin Booth F/C 6’11 231 |
He’s worth every penny. Mark Cuban must sleep easily at night. |
| Shawn Bradley C 7’6 280 |
I really need to see a Cribs episode starring Shawn Bradley. “And
over here is my nonexistent collection of game film where I lived
up to expectations”. |
| Erick Dampier C 6’11 270 |
He’ll have his next double-double season 7 years from now. |
| Marquis Daniels G/F 6’6 200 |
He resigns with Dallas to start so they go out and trade for Jason
Terry and Jerry Stackhouse. It's a good thing Cuban spends a lot of
money or else you would think his players didn't like him that much. |
| Dan Dickau G 6’0 190 |
Next stop: whatever team will take him |
| Evan Eschmeyer C 6’11 260 |
Finally took the advice of everyone with a fucking heartbeat and
quit. |
| Michael Finley G/F 6’7 225 |
Another year of an old Michael Finley taking way too many shots! |
| Devin Harris G 6’3 185 |
Putting the rookie in the starting lineup was a good idea actually.
How many rookies actually play defense? |
| Alan Henderson F 6’9 240 |
When Alan’s contract expires this summer the Mavericks will
only be $150 million over the salary cap. |
| Derek Hood F 6’8 222 |
Just a quick tip to those trying out for the Mavericks: Don’t.
They have 26 guaranteed contracts so what makes you think they’ll
sign you? |
| Josh Howard G/F 6’7 210 |
A smart coach would definitely give all of Josh Howard’s
minutes to Jerry Stackhouse. I mean, I’d definitely do that.
Who wants a smart, young, defensive-minded player when you have Stack
making sure the paint on the rim is never safe |
| Didier Ilunga-Mbenga C 7’0 220 |
I think I just drank some sour milk. |
| Avery Johnson G 5’11 180 |
Avery sounds like a little black boy who belongs in a cabin in
1928 or something. “Hey pa, whatcha think ‘bout them ‘Trotters?” |
| Dirk Nowitzki F/C 7’0 245 |
Boy oh boy thank goodness the Mavs signed Dampier, eh Dirk? You
don’t have to go into the paint ever again. |
| Pavel Podkolzine C 7’5 260 |
Nevermind that he has a severe pituitary disorder. Let’s
just forget how horribly overmatched he was in Europe. And don’t
forget his 100 minutes of professional basketball experience. This
guy is a franchise player! |
| Jerry Stackhouse G/F 6’6 218 |
He might be shooting 3 for 18 but he’s still warming up! |
| Jason Terry G 6’2 180 |
So how many more years is Cuban going to acquire guys who have
done nothing but lose for years? Should someone write him a memo and
let him know that it’s probably not very smart? And can anyone
tell him that Mavericks football jersey he wears looks fucking stupid? |
| Ryan Bowen F 6’9 220 |
Hurry up and run after that ball, Ryan! It contains
the magical recipe to an NBA career without having any talent whatsoever! |
| Reece Gaines G 6’6 205 |
I think it’s awesome how Van Gundy is down to just Ward and
Lue yet he still won’t play Gaines |
| Juwan Howard F 6’9 260 |
Juwan infected Orlando’s offense with herpes last year and
it knocked them into a 21 win season. Can he do it again? |
| Jim Jackson G/F 6’6 220 |
Shoot 3’s and crash the boards: The life of a 34 year old
swingman |
| Tyronn Lue G 6’0 178 |
Everyone’s favorite JV girls high school basketball player |
| Tracy McGrady G 6’8 210 |
Whine about not getting enough help when you left your original
team to be ‘the man’. Tracy McGrady: Franchise Player |
| Yao Ming C 7’6 310 |
One day Yao might figure out that he shouldn’t bring the
ball down low when he’s making a low post move. I know the guards
in China might be short and all but it’s just common sense.
Oh, and Yao is the most overrated player in the league. |
| Dikembe Mutombo C 7’2 261 |
The painful sweeping hook shot residing on Mount Mutombo is back
for another season! Deke has to keep playing or else Zaire will run
out of money |
| Bostjan Nachbar G/F 6’9 240 |
When the defining moment of your career is getting elbowed by Karl
Malone in the playoffs then you should probably work on your game
a bit. |
| Scott Padgett F 6’9 240 |
If I could just look at someone and know that they were inbred
then I’d look at Scott Padgett. I’m still sick of hearing
his name said just from his college days alone. |
| Vassilis Spanoulis G 6’4 188 |
Sounds like a vaginal disease. I wonder if he hangs out with Juwan
a lot |
| Bob Sura G 6’5 200 |
Sure he filled the stat sheet while with Atlanta last season. Did
anyone bother to see the amount of shots and his FG% he had though?
I know Houston didn’t! |
| Maurice Taylor F 6’9 255 |
Did he actually come to training camp in shape? Nothing gets you
more focused than knowing Juwan Howard wants your starting spot! |
| Charlie Ward G 6’2 185 |
Don’t lie, Rockets fans. You know you breathed a sigh of
relief once you found out Charlie Ward was signed. |
| Clarence Weatherspoon F 6’7 270 |
Spoon gets as many boards as Juwan or Mo in half the time. He also
can't touch the bottom of the backboard and lost his neck sometime
during his stay in New York. |
| Derrick Zimmerman G 6’3 195 |
Wow, I can’t believe the Warriors gave up on him! |
| Shane Battier F 6’8 220 |
Hubie Brown may actually have to play Battier now that
he has a contract extension. Oh no! Maybe Shane can buy a forehead
now that doesn’t have hair growing halfway down it. |
| Troy Bell G 6’1 180 |
This isn't Boston College anymore, Troy. You do have to actually
pass the ball in the NBA unless you're a power forward. |
| Antonio Burks G 6’0 195 |
Why would you trade a 2nd round pick for the rights to a guy that’s
obviously not making the roster? |
| Brian Cardinal F 6’8 245 |
The Custodian is back! He can even bring his broom when Memphis
gets swept again! |
| Andre Emmett G 6’5 230 |
Went from Bob Knight to Hubie Brown. Maybe he can play pro football
at Penn State next. Doesn’t Joe Paterno always have that ‘I
just drank sour milk’ face? He always looks like someone is
pissing on his face. |
| Pau Gasol F 7’0 240 |
New contract means he can stop telling the fans that he’ll
work on being more aggressive in the paint |
| Ryan Humphrey F 6’8 235 |
Short power forwards are the wave of the future. Especially the
ones who look scared to death every time they step on the court! |
| Dahntay Jones G 6’6 210 |
I’m still in shock over the fact that he was drafted at all,
let alone a near lottery pick. Was anyone else going to touch this
guy? Honestly? |
| Sergei Lishouk F 6’11 232 |
6’11 and 232? You must be a hell of a 7 foot 3-point shooter |
| Mike Miller G/F 6’8 218 |
Who would’ve thought that launching 3’s by the dozens
would take such a toll on one’s back? Maybe Danny Fortson pushed
him! |
| Bo Outlaw F 6’8 220 |
Whenever I get bored just shooting around outside I try to shoot
free throws like Bo. Then I get sick, my arm falls off, and my basketball
sprouts legs and walks home in disgust. |
| James Posey G/F 6’8 215 |
Someone on this roster has to play defense and Mike Miller can’t
quite reach his man from 24’ out to challenge that dunk. |
| Stromile Swift F/C 6’9 225 |
Stromile demands his $60 million! Why can’t someone just
give it to him??? |
| Jake Tsakalidis C 7’2 290 |
Another year of everyone fawning over him and his 4ppg. I’ll
never fucking understand it. |
| Earl Watson G 6’1 195 |
Still think he’s starting-caliber, Jerry West? |
| Bonzi Wells G 6’5 210 |
I was pretty disappointed when I found out that Bonzi hasn’t
spit in Brian Cardinal’s face yet and called him a cracker.
What’s taking so long? |
| Jason Williams G 6’1 190 |
Can we stop calling him JWill and White Chocolate? I’m almost
begging here. He sure does have some pretty hair now too, doesn't
he? |
| Lorenzen Wright C 6’11 240 |
Lorenzen is back for another 50 games until he hurts something
in his body that doesn’t exist. |
| Chris Andersen F 6’10 228 |
New Orleans’ big offseason acquisition! |
| Darrell Armstrong G 6’1 180 |
Last years big offseason acquisition is barely 6 feet tall, getting
closer to 40 years old, and is known for his hustle. I don’t
see anything wrong with the Hornets’ dedication to winning. |
| P.J. Brown F 6’11 239 |
His picture is in the dictionary next to Uncle Tom |
| Baron Davis G 6’3 223 |
It kills me when these guys demand to be paid max money and then
they don’t want to carry their team. I know your owner is a
piece of shit but grow the fuck up, Baron. You’re still paid
lots of money to play a child’s game. |
| Sean Finn C 7’0 240 |
Backing up all star center Jamaal Magloire. Oops, I cracked a smile
when I said that! |
| Tremaine Fowlkes F 6’7 212 |
What are you doing on someone’s active roster? Did someone
leave the injured list unlocked? |
| Alex Garcia G 6’3 220 |
See you next year. |
| Junior Harrington G 6’4 190 |
The Nuggets are so good at finding these point guards who come
out of nowhere to lead them to abysmal seasons. It’s uncanny! |
| Britton Johnsen F 6’10 210 |
Orlando will sign him for the 14th time before the season is over
with |
| George Lynch F 6’8 235 |
Has there ever been a player as bad as Lynch that always seems
to fall into a starting job by default? |
| Jamaal Magloire C 6’11 250 |
Jamaal doesn’t even leave his feet most of the time and he
was an all star in the east |
| Jamal Mashburn F 6’8 247 |
His starting SF spot has been lynched! Ha ha!! And so has New Orleans’
title hopes |
| Lee Nailon F 6’9 238 |
Welcome back, prodigal son. |
| Tim Pickett G 6’4 207 |
He actually looks like a pretty good player so the Hornets will
most likely cut him. Scouts can’t let a 6’4 shooting guard
in the league; the emphasis on size in the NBA has really been great
for the NBA. Yeah, you might have game, but are you a 7-foot point
guard with a 60-inch vertical and can spell Nikoloz Tskitishvili’s
name backwards? Oh, you can’t? NOT ENOUGH UPSIDE! |
| Rodney Rogers F 6’7 270 |
The other big offseason pickup. I think it’s great how Rodney
keeps bulking up to take all those 3 pointers every year. It’s
really a testament to his dedication of being a mediocre bench player. |
| J.R. Smith G 6’6 220 |
Supposedly he is a deadly shooter. And supposedly he was actually
taught how to shoot as an 18-year-old. Supposedly you should already
know how to shoot if you’re in the fucking NBA |
| David Wesley G 6’1 203 |
He may not be the biggest 2 guard in the league but he does have
the biggest ears. And has anyone realized that he’s been with
the Hornets for 8 years now? George Shinn needs to be notified immediately |
| David West F 6’9 240 |
People were actually talking about David West for almost an entire
day this offseason. I have no idea why but it did happen. |
| Brent Barry G 6’6 203 |
People are touting Barry as the sixth man of the year. Do people
actually think that Ginobili will keep starting? |
| Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje C 7’0 257 |
Can I just say Boumtje one more time? |
| Bruce Bowen F 6’7 200 |
You know Bowen has to be pissed about the Barry signing. “Wait,
you signed Barry? But I’M your guy who stands in the corner
and does nothing but spot up for 3’s!” |
| Devin Brown G 6’5 220 |
He actually played really well in the playoffs last year despite
not owning a jump shot at all. They don’t teach that in the
NBDL anyway so who cares |
| Tim Duncan F/C 7’0 260 |
Tim Duncan should have won the MVP because he doesn’t touch
people in their private parts |
| Manu Ginobili G 6’6 205 |
Personally, I refuse to actually call him ‘Manu’. I
also refuse to call him a good player. I can dribble into a sea of
7 footers and throw a behind-my-head finger roll and almost make it
too |
| Robert Horry F 6’10 240 |
You can’t make a big shot anymore, Rob? Well, just try making
any kind of shot then. We’re still waiting |
| Linton Johnson F 6’8 205 |
San Antonio has really cornered the short power forward market |
| Sergei Karaulov C 7’0 215 |
I don’t know and I don’t care. We both know that this
guy will never actually play for an NBA team so why bother? |
| Sean Marks F/C 6’10 250 |
When I see Sean Marks I always think of that white guy who thought
he was Michael Jackson on The Simpsons |
| Tony Massenburg F/C 6’9 250 |
Massenburg is Swahili for “does not pass the ball” |
| Rasho Nesterovic C 7’0 255 |
Casper the timid white center |
| Tony Parker G 6’2 180 |
Oui oui I cannot believe San Antonio is paying this kid $70 million
dollars to just dump the ball down low to Duncan |
| Malik Rose F 6’7 255 |
San Antonio hands out the best contracts. |
| Viktor Sanikidze F 6’8 196 |
6’8 and not even 200lbs. Awesome. |
| Romain Sato G 6’5 205 |
I don’t think he’s even 6’4 but whatever. Lets
here it for getting drafted solely on your college team’s success! |
| Beno Udrih G 6’3 203 |
Another year, another tall euro point guard drafted that isn’t
really a point guard |
