The Worst Time of Year: Southwest Division

By: Emilio Escobar


Tariq Abdul-Wahad G/F 6’6 230 I always feel oh so sorry for guys making $50 million and don’t even have to play a child’s game to earn it anymore. It’s all a conspiracy against you, Olivier!
Calvin Booth F/C 6’11 231 He’s worth every penny. Mark Cuban must sleep easily at night.
Shawn Bradley C 7’6 280 I really need to see a Cribs episode starring Shawn Bradley. “And over here is my nonexistent collection of game film where I lived up to expectations”.
Erick Dampier C 6’11 270 He’ll have his next double-double season 7 years from now.
Marquis Daniels G/F 6’6 200 He resigns with Dallas to start so they go out and trade for Jason Terry and Jerry Stackhouse. It's a good thing Cuban spends a lot of money or else you would think his players didn't like him that much.
Dan Dickau G 6’0 190 Next stop: whatever team will take him
Evan Eschmeyer C 6’11 260 Finally took the advice of everyone with a fucking heartbeat and quit.
Michael Finley G/F 6’7 225 Another year of an old Michael Finley taking way too many shots!
Devin Harris G 6’3 185 Putting the rookie in the starting lineup was a good idea actually. How many rookies actually play defense?
Alan Henderson F 6’9 240 When Alan’s contract expires this summer the Mavericks will only be $150 million over the salary cap.
Derek Hood F 6’8 222 Just a quick tip to those trying out for the Mavericks: Don’t. They have 26 guaranteed contracts so what makes you think they’ll sign you?
Josh Howard G/F 6’7 210 A smart coach would definitely give all of Josh Howard’s minutes to Jerry Stackhouse. I mean, I’d definitely do that. Who wants a smart, young, defensive-minded player when you have Stack making sure the paint on the rim is never safe
Didier Ilunga-Mbenga C 7’0 220 I think I just drank some sour milk.
Avery Johnson G 5’11 180 Avery sounds like a little black boy who belongs in a cabin in 1928 or something. “Hey pa, whatcha think ‘bout them ‘Trotters?”
Dirk Nowitzki F/C 7’0 245 Boy oh boy thank goodness the Mavs signed Dampier, eh Dirk? You don’t have to go into the paint ever again.
Pavel Podkolzine C 7’5 260 Nevermind that he has a severe pituitary disorder. Let’s just forget how horribly overmatched he was in Europe. And don’t forget his 100 minutes of professional basketball experience. This guy is a franchise player!
Jerry Stackhouse G/F 6’6 218 He might be shooting 3 for 18 but he’s still warming up!
Jason Terry G 6’2 180 So how many more years is Cuban going to acquire guys who have done nothing but lose for years? Should someone write him a memo and let him know that it’s probably not very smart? And can anyone tell him that Mavericks football jersey he wears looks fucking stupid?


Ryan Bowen F 6’9 220 Hurry up and run after that ball, Ryan! It contains the magical recipe to an NBA career without having any talent whatsoever!
Reece Gaines G 6’6 205 I think it’s awesome how Van Gundy is down to just Ward and Lue yet he still won’t play Gaines
Juwan Howard F 6’9 260 Juwan infected Orlando’s offense with herpes last year and it knocked them into a 21 win season. Can he do it again?
Jim Jackson G/F 6’6 220 Shoot 3’s and crash the boards: The life of a 34 year old swingman
Tyronn Lue G 6’0 178 Everyone’s favorite JV girls high school basketball player
Tracy McGrady G 6’8 210 Whine about not getting enough help when you left your original team to be ‘the man’. Tracy McGrady: Franchise Player
Yao Ming C 7’6 310 One day Yao might figure out that he shouldn’t bring the ball down low when he’s making a low post move. I know the guards in China might be short and all but it’s just common sense. Oh, and Yao is the most overrated player in the league.
Dikembe Mutombo C 7’2 261 The painful sweeping hook shot residing on Mount Mutombo is back for another season! Deke has to keep playing or else Zaire will run out of money
Bostjan Nachbar G/F 6’9 240 When the defining moment of your career is getting elbowed by Karl Malone in the playoffs then you should probably work on your game a bit.
Scott Padgett F 6’9 240 If I could just look at someone and know that they were inbred then I’d look at Scott Padgett. I’m still sick of hearing his name said just from his college days alone.
Vassilis Spanoulis G 6’4 188 Sounds like a vaginal disease. I wonder if he hangs out with Juwan a lot
Bob Sura G 6’5 200 Sure he filled the stat sheet while with Atlanta last season. Did anyone bother to see the amount of shots and his FG% he had though? I know Houston didn’t!
Maurice Taylor F 6’9 255 Did he actually come to training camp in shape? Nothing gets you more focused than knowing Juwan Howard wants your starting spot!
Charlie Ward G 6’2 185 Don’t lie, Rockets fans. You know you breathed a sigh of relief once you found out Charlie Ward was signed.
Clarence Weatherspoon F 6’7 270 Spoon gets as many boards as Juwan or Mo in half the time. He also can't touch the bottom of the backboard and lost his neck sometime during his stay in New York.
Derrick Zimmerman G 6’3 195 Wow, I can’t believe the Warriors gave up on him!


Shane Battier F 6’8 220 Hubie Brown may actually have to play Battier now that he has a contract extension. Oh no! Maybe Shane can buy a forehead now that doesn’t have hair growing halfway down it.
Troy Bell G 6’1 180 This isn't Boston College anymore, Troy. You do have to actually pass the ball in the NBA unless you're a power forward.
Antonio Burks G 6’0 195 Why would you trade a 2nd round pick for the rights to a guy that’s obviously not making the roster?
Brian Cardinal F 6’8 245 The Custodian is back! He can even bring his broom when Memphis gets swept again!
Andre Emmett G 6’5 230 Went from Bob Knight to Hubie Brown. Maybe he can play pro football at Penn State next. Doesn’t Joe Paterno always have that ‘I just drank sour milk’ face? He always looks like someone is pissing on his face.
Pau Gasol F 7’0 240 New contract means he can stop telling the fans that he’ll work on being more aggressive in the paint
Ryan Humphrey F 6’8 235 Short power forwards are the wave of the future. Especially the ones who look scared to death every time they step on the court!
Dahntay Jones G 6’6 210 I’m still in shock over the fact that he was drafted at all, let alone a near lottery pick. Was anyone else going to touch this guy? Honestly?
Sergei Lishouk F 6’11 232 6’11 and 232? You must be a hell of a 7 foot 3-point shooter
Mike Miller G/F 6’8 218 Who would’ve thought that launching 3’s by the dozens would take such a toll on one’s back? Maybe Danny Fortson pushed him!
Bo Outlaw F 6’8 220 Whenever I get bored just shooting around outside I try to shoot free throws like Bo. Then I get sick, my arm falls off, and my basketball sprouts legs and walks home in disgust.
James Posey G/F 6’8 215 Someone on this roster has to play defense and Mike Miller can’t quite reach his man from 24’ out to challenge that dunk.
Stromile Swift F/C 6’9 225 Stromile demands his $60 million! Why can’t someone just give it to him???
Jake Tsakalidis C 7’2 290 Another year of everyone fawning over him and his 4ppg. I’ll never fucking understand it.
Earl Watson G 6’1 195 Still think he’s starting-caliber, Jerry West?
Bonzi Wells G 6’5 210 I was pretty disappointed when I found out that Bonzi hasn’t spit in Brian Cardinal’s face yet and called him a cracker. What’s taking so long?
Jason Williams G 6’1 190 Can we stop calling him JWill and White Chocolate? I’m almost begging here. He sure does have some pretty hair now too, doesn't he?
Lorenzen Wright C 6’11 240 Lorenzen is back for another 50 games until he hurts something in his body that doesn’t exist.


Chris Andersen F 6’10 228 New Orleans’ big offseason acquisition!
Darrell Armstrong G 6’1 180 Last years big offseason acquisition is barely 6 feet tall, getting closer to 40 years old, and is known for his hustle. I don’t see anything wrong with the Hornets’ dedication to winning.
P.J. Brown F 6’11 239 His picture is in the dictionary next to Uncle Tom
Baron Davis G 6’3 223 It kills me when these guys demand to be paid max money and then they don’t want to carry their team. I know your owner is a piece of shit but grow the fuck up, Baron. You’re still paid lots of money to play a child’s game.
Sean Finn C 7’0 240 Backing up all star center Jamaal Magloire. Oops, I cracked a smile when I said that!
Tremaine Fowlkes F 6’7 212 What are you doing on someone’s active roster? Did someone leave the injured list unlocked?
Alex Garcia G 6’3 220 See you next year.
Junior Harrington G 6’4 190 The Nuggets are so good at finding these point guards who come out of nowhere to lead them to abysmal seasons. It’s uncanny!
Britton Johnsen F 6’10 210 Orlando will sign him for the 14th time before the season is over with
George Lynch F 6’8 235 Has there ever been a player as bad as Lynch that always seems to fall into a starting job by default?
Jamaal Magloire C 6’11 250 Jamaal doesn’t even leave his feet most of the time and he was an all star in the east
Jamal Mashburn F 6’8 247 His starting SF spot has been lynched! Ha ha!! And so has New Orleans’ title hopes
Lee Nailon F 6’9 238 Welcome back, prodigal son.
Tim Pickett G 6’4 207 He actually looks like a pretty good player so the Hornets will most likely cut him. Scouts can’t let a 6’4 shooting guard in the league; the emphasis on size in the NBA has really been great for the NBA. Yeah, you might have game, but are you a 7-foot point guard with a 60-inch vertical and can spell Nikoloz Tskitishvili’s name backwards? Oh, you can’t? NOT ENOUGH UPSIDE!
Rodney Rogers F 6’7 270 The other big offseason pickup. I think it’s great how Rodney keeps bulking up to take all those 3 pointers every year. It’s really a testament to his dedication of being a mediocre bench player.
J.R. Smith G 6’6 220 Supposedly he is a deadly shooter. And supposedly he was actually taught how to shoot as an 18-year-old. Supposedly you should already know how to shoot if you’re in the fucking NBA
David Wesley G 6’1 203 He may not be the biggest 2 guard in the league but he does have the biggest ears. And has anyone realized that he’s been with the Hornets for 8 years now? George Shinn needs to be notified immediately
David West F 6’9 240 People were actually talking about David West for almost an entire day this offseason. I have no idea why but it did happen.


Brent Barry G 6’6 203 People are touting Barry as the sixth man of the year. Do people actually think that Ginobili will keep starting?
Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje C 7’0 257 Can I just say Boumtje one more time?
Bruce Bowen F 6’7 200 You know Bowen has to be pissed about the Barry signing. “Wait, you signed Barry? But I’M your guy who stands in the corner and does nothing but spot up for 3’s!”
Devin Brown G 6’5 220 He actually played really well in the playoffs last year despite not owning a jump shot at all. They don’t teach that in the NBDL anyway so who cares
Tim Duncan F/C 7’0 260 Tim Duncan should have won the MVP because he doesn’t touch people in their private parts
Manu Ginobili G 6’6 205 Personally, I refuse to actually call him ‘Manu’. I also refuse to call him a good player. I can dribble into a sea of 7 footers and throw a behind-my-head finger roll and almost make it too
Robert Horry F 6’10 240 You can’t make a big shot anymore, Rob? Well, just try making any kind of shot then. We’re still waiting
Linton Johnson F 6’8 205 San Antonio has really cornered the short power forward market
Sergei Karaulov C 7’0 215 I don’t know and I don’t care. We both know that this guy will never actually play for an NBA team so why bother?
Sean Marks F/C 6’10 250 When I see Sean Marks I always think of that white guy who thought he was Michael Jackson on The Simpsons
Tony Massenburg F/C 6’9 250 Massenburg is Swahili for “does not pass the ball”
Rasho Nesterovic C 7’0 255 Casper the timid white center
Tony Parker G 6’2 180 Oui oui I cannot believe San Antonio is paying this kid $70 million dollars to just dump the ball down low to Duncan
Malik Rose F 6’7 255 San Antonio hands out the best contracts.
Viktor Sanikidze F 6’8 196 6’8 and not even 200lbs. Awesome.
Romain Sato G 6’5 205 I don’t think he’s even 6’4 but whatever. Lets here it for getting drafted solely on your college team’s success!
Beno Udrih G 6’3 203 Another year, another tall euro point guard drafted that isn’t really a point guard