The Worst Time of Year: Southeast Division

By: Emilio Escobar



Kenny Anderson G 6’1 170 Just in case this wasn’t shoved down your throat 10 million times in the 90’s I’m just going to remind you that he’s from New York City. NEW YORK CITY!
Jon Barry G 6’5 205 Heart and hustle can still land you a roster spot in the NBA! And now a spot on it’s injured list too!
Lonny Baxter F 6’8 260 Wow, Lonny Baxter AND Pig Miller on the same roster? It’s the All-Training-Camp-Cut team! All we need now is Derrick Dial
Reggie Butler C 6’10 255 I don’t know who Reggie Butler is so I’m just going to tell you guys that the Atlanta Hawks really suck.
Josh Childress G/F 6’8 210 This team has one capable scorer, one wannabe scorer, and a bunch of has-beens in the backcourt. Time to throw a timid rookie in there if you ask me
Jason Collier C 7’0 260 Hi, I’m Jason Collier. You might remember me as that guy who bailed out on Bob Knight or the guy who could barely start at Georgia Tech when they were a .500 team. Now I start at center for your Atlanta Hawks. Just a reminder to renew your season tickets!
Chris Crawford F 6’9 235 Another year and another knee injury. Did you know that the Hawks actually expected him to produce this year? I don’t know what they wanted him to produce except maybe another bill for an MRI
Tony Delk G 6’2 189 Did you know he once scored 52 in a game? I’d be surprised if this entire team averages that much
Boris Diaw G/F 6’8 215 Still no jump shot, still can’t start for a horrid Hawks team. What the fuck kind of name is Boris for a black guy anyway?
Predrag Drobnjak C 6’11 270 Need a starting center for your lottery team? Drobs is always available!
Al Harrington F 6’9 250 You might be going from a 60-win team to a 60+ loss team but hey, at least you’re starting now! Aren’t you so fucking happy? And all you retards who think he’s going to have a breakout year are in for a big surprise
Royal Ivey G 6’3 200 TJ Ford’s backup in college gets drafted solely because of his height. Oh, and his spine functions properly
Anthony Miller F 6’9 255 You know what’s sad is that he might actually make the team for once
Jeff Myers G 6’3 188 Sounds like a basketball players name, doesn’t it? It doesn’t sound at all like a white pastor’s name or anything
Donta Smith G/F 6’7 215 Atlanta front office strikes gold once again
Josh Smith F 6’9 210 He has looked completely lost in the preseason. It’s a good thing Atlanta has a savvy veteran like Antoine Walker to show him the ropes.
Antoine Walker F 6’9 245 He shot horribly in Dallas when he didn’t have that many shots to take. And now he’s in Atlanta. Looking at Antoine’s boxscores this year might finally make me become jaded to Allen Iverson’s.
Saddi Washington G/F 6’3 180 Saddi? 6'3 forward? Cut!


Corey Benjamin G 6’6 205 I didn’t know much about Corey so I asked Jerry Krause to give me a scouting report and he told me “He’s like Michael Jordan but better”. So there you go
Primoz Brezec C 7’1 252 There’s always room for a 7 foot euro on your team. And if he actually needs a map to find the paint then that’s a plus, isn’t it? Why take advantage of your height? That’s an unfair advantage!
Omar Cook G 6’1 190 How many copies of his St. Johns game tapes do you think Omar constantly sends to everyone? And shouldn’t the NBDL logo feature Omar Cook turning the ball over?
Melvin Ely F/C 6’10 261 Ely gets his 18th chance as a starting center and loses it immediately to a guy who sits at the 3 point line all day long. You gotta love it
Jason Hart G 6’3 181 Career third-string point guard becomes challenger for Charlotte’s starting point guard spot.
Eddie House G 6’1 175 Keep shooting, Eddie! The crowd loves it! Oh no, coach yanked you out again!
Brandon Hunter F 6’7 260 When people compare you to Gary Trent then you should start looking up the pay rates playing for Kinder Bologna
Jason Kapono F 6’8 213 I love wiggers but I especially love wiggers who don’t do anything but launch 3’s
Brevin Knight G 5’10 170 Since we’ll probably hear this a million times this season I’m going to repeat it: Brevin Knight is a veteran point guard Brevin Knight is a veteran point guard Brevin Knight is a veteran point guard
Emeka Okafor F/C 6’10 252 How long until Emeka retires to go back to college? I bet he’s at least thinking about it right now
Bernard Robinson Jr. G/F 6’6 210 A defensive stopper at Michigan who struggled on offense will definitely have a place in the NBA!
Tamar Slay G/F 6’8 215 All you need to know is that he couldn’t beat out a guy on the Nets who had a hole in his kneecap in order to get any minutes on the floor
Steve Smith G 6’8 221 My brother actually called Steve Smith one of the greatest 3-point shooters of all time last night. I swear to god, I can’t make this shit up
Theron Smith F 6’8 225 Another small power forward! And he actually wanted to leave Ball State as a junior!
Gerald Wallace F 6’7 215 This is his breakout year! Did you guys know that? He scored a ton against a bunch of undrafted players this past summer who were backups in college so that will definitely translate over to the regular season!
Jahidi White C 6’9 290 How does it feel when a team is willing to give up draft picks just to get you off their roster? And how does it feel when the team taking you doesn’t even want to play you even though they’re an expansion team?


Malik Allen F 6’10 250 He gets to play against Shaq in practice every day. Or maybe he'll be the lucky guy to body up with Michael Doleac... 20 feet away from the basket
Jerome Beasley F 6’10 237 Straight out of the University of North Dakota! I hear that there are some great toil boys that come out of there!
Rasual Butler G/F 6’7 205 He’s starting for a ‘championship-caliber team’. If he turns in a decent season then I might try out for the Heat next year
Michael Doleac C 6’11 265 Shaq actually said that Doleac is the best backup he’s ever had. That made me wonder about who his past backups were. We got Tree Rollins, Greg Kite, Jelani McCoy. Phew, guess he’s right. By default.
Keyon Dooling G 6’3 190 Former lottery pick. I repeat, he is a former lottery pick. I’ll sit and wait here while you turn in your NBA draft applications. I’m not going anywhere, take your time
Matt Freije F 6’10 249 Ladies and gentlemen, the only rookie in the league who already looks as old as Brian Cardinal does
Tang Hamilton F 6’8 220 I bet you get the same reaction from eating a handful of Tang power that you would watching him operate on the court.
Udonis Haslem F 6’8 230 Udonis doesn’t like to sit on the bench! He gets oh so angry! You would think that he’s gotten used to it by now
Damon Jones G 6’3 185 OH NO! WHAT ABOUT KEYON DOOLING!?!?
Eddie Jones G 6’6 200 Shaq and Eddie always mesh well
Christian Laettner F/C 6’11 245 Does anyone else get a little angry once you realize Christian Laettner is still in the fucking NBA? I mean really, you take away the name and the fact that he went to Duke and what do you have? A shitty power forward that shoots 18 foot jumpers all day long
Albert Miralles F/C 6’11 240 Good luck getting a roster spot behind Michael Doleac!
Shaquille O’Neal C 6’1 340 It really isn’t an NBA training camp unless Shaq is complaining about not getting a contract extension. I knew something was missing this year
Wesley Person G 6’6 200 Didn’t the Heat actually go back and forth wondering whether they should sign Person or Dennis Scott? Ouch
Dwyane Wade G 6’4 212 I’m actually more sick of hearing about Wade than I am LeBron James. How is that possible? Thanks, internet message boards! Oh and I hope you worked on that jump shot of yours, Dwyane
ZhiZhi Wang C 7’1 284 When he steps on the court I always expect him to jump on the scorer’s table and start hacking into their computers
Dorell Wright G/F 6’7 210 Is that what we’re down to? Naming our kids after cigarette brands? How far off are we from Marlboro Williams? Just like nicotine, I think opposing defenses will become addicted to smoking him on the court!


Stacey Augmon G/F 6’8 213 The only thing that’s plastic about him now is his fake game. How the hell is he still in the league? And has he ever had a decent jump shot? Why haven’t I been offered a 10-day contract yet?
Tony Battie C 6’11 240 Just another stop on the road to an inevitable knee injury
Keith Bogans G/F 6’5 215 Magic management can’t figure out whether to give backup minutes to Stevenson or Bogans. You know, I can’t really decide whether I want to kill myself with an axe or cyanide
Michael Bradley F 6’10 235 The solution to all of the Magic’s defensive woes all packed into one delightful 6’10 package of white magic!
Kelvin Cato F/C 6’11 275 The Magic haven’t overpaid for a post player in quite awhile so I guess they figured they should trade for one. Why miss out on all the fun the rest of the league is experiencing?
Andrew DeClercq C 6’10 255 If I ever get stuck in a slap fight between a couple of 8 year old girls I want Andrew DeClercq on my side.
Corsley Edwards F 6’9 275 What kind of name is Corsley? How much longer until we get an NBA player named Furry? Or how about Spunky? Spunky Jackson: Débutante Basketball Playa
Steve Francis G 6’3 200 2-on-1 break, Mobley to Francis, Francis to… OH NO! A TURNOVER!
Pat Garrity F 6’9 238 Ignore your height. Shoot 3’s. Magic basketball. Catch the fever!
Grant Hill F 6’8 225 Do I really need to make another ankle joke?
Dwight Howard F 6’11 240 When I think intimidating force in the paint I think of Dwight Howard. How can you not tremble in fear when you see a Christian freak with braces in his teeth?
Mario Kasun C 7’1 260 My favorite type of euro 7 footer is the one with a bunch of tattoos. They’re a rare breed and it’s good to see that Mario is keeping up with this new tradition. I didn’t get to see enough tattoos last year and I think it’s great that Kasun can bring it to the uncoordinated white centers of my generation
Cuttino Mobley G 6’4 215 Does something unpredictable happen when you separate Mobley from Francis? Like maybe Mobley ends up in the NBDL? That’s what I’m thinking
Jameer Nelson G 6’0 190 Too bad you’re stuck behind the abominable turnover machine
Jemeil Rich G 5’10 170 What the fuck? Jameer and Jemeil? Are we just rolling dice now or what?
DeShawn Stevenson G 6’5 227 I think it’s only fair that for every win DeShawn delivers for Orlando that he gets to rape a 17-year-old. You can live with some things, can’t you?
Hedo Turkoglu G/F 6’10 235 John Weisbrod trades McGrady because he’s lazy, unmotivated and not a team player. Then he signs Hedo Turkoglu. What? Why not just sign Jamal Crawford for $70 million and get it over with?


Gilbert Arenas G 6’3 200 I never would’ve thought when I was watching the Arizona Wildcats years ago that I would be watching the greatest collection of overpaid athletes to every whimper on my television
Steve Blake G 6’3 172 People say that he could start on several teams. If you can’t start on the Wizards then where exactly can you start?
Kwame Brown F 6’11 240 I’ll give you a couple clues as to why Kwame Brown hasn’t given you 20/10 yet: You have fucking Larry Hughes and Gilbert Arenas you dipshits
Juan Dixon G 6’3 164 He can play both guard positions! Were you aware of that? And that faggot on NBA TV Rick Kamla won’t stop jacking off to his pictures. By the way, who are these idiots who actually call him for fantasy basketball advice? How pathetic do you have to be to call that jerkoff for make-believe basketball advice?
Jarvis Hayes F 6’7 220 He might actually be the best player on their roster but they’re so full of overpaid softies that he’ll never get to start. At least they don’t have Stackhouse anymore
Brendan Haywood C 7’0 268 Just to give everyone a laugh I’d like to point out that Washington gave this guy a 5-year $25 million extension. Isn’t that awesome? Maybe he can afford to buy a cup now
Larry Hughes G 6’5 184 Larry Hughes has finally broken out! Nevermind that he turned in yet another 17ppg season shooting under 40% but he finally broke out! How can you not make 40% of your shots? I can shoot 40% with a banana sticking out of my ass; especially if I was making millions of dollars. I think.
Antawn Jamison F 6’9 230 Babies like to eat baby food. Birds like to eat worms Antawn Jamison feeds on shots and sub-.400 winning percentages. And fix your fucking name you god damn retard
Jared Jeffries F 6’11 230 Your favorite 6’11 small forward is back! There really isn’t anything small about being 6’11, is there? And is there any reason for him to still be in the league? Where is my contract anyway?
Anthony Peeler G 6’4 208 Washington’s star acquisition over the summer. Are there any Washington fans left? Are you guys still waiting for Mitch Richmond to start playing?
Laron Profit G 6’4 204 Remember at Maryland when he was the new Michael Jordan? The only similarities now is they both played in the ACC and they were both cut once. Or in Laron’s case, many times.
Peter John Ramos C 7’3 275 The Wizards only had 8 active players for opening night and still didn’t give this guy a chance to play
Michael Ruffin F 6’9 255 This generation’s Popeye Jones finally gets a shot!
Etan Thomas F/C 6’9 256 The Wizards picked the most boring player on the planet to throw $39 million at
Samaki Walker F/C 6’9 250 How long until we find him selling his Lakers championship ring on eBay? Can’t be too long, right? These guys have families to feed!