The Worst Time of Year 2004: Pacific Division

By: Emilio Escobar



Brandon Armstrong G 6’5 190 Hello, my name is Brandon Armstrong and I keep the seat warm for your Golden State Warriors junior varsity summer league preseason squad
Andris Biedrins F 6’11 240 Some of these guys don’t even need a cute little insult from me. You can just look at their name and already know.
Matt Carroll G 6’6 212 Like Matt Carroll for instance. By the time this gets online I’m sure Matt will be playing for his 4th team this preseason.
Calbert Cheaney G/F 6’7 214 Reportedly still plays in the NBA.
Speedy Claxton G 5’11 170 He sure is fun to watch for those 30 games a season until his body completely falls apart.
Dale Davis C 6’11 252 Nobody in the bay area is safe when Dale Davis comes to town! The day he smiles is the day Golden State gains respect as a real NBA franchise.
Mike Dunleavy F 6’9 230 I get a kick out of playing Mike Dunleavy in NBA 2k5. I think he’s the worst player in the game. The game is eerily realistic, by the way.
Derek Fisher G 6’1 205 If you’re a team that doesn’t make the playoffs then why would you bother signing Derek Fisher?
Luis Flores G 6’2 195 Keep scoring, Luis. The NBA is looking for more 6’2 shooting guards.
Adonal Foyle C 6’10 270 Bargain of the century: A bigheaded center who cares more about politics than basketball. It’s a good thing he always stays healthy or I would think that Chris Mullin didn’t know what he was doing!
Troy Murphy F 6’11 245 Troy Murphy, allow me to introduce you to my friend. His name is blocked shots. I know you two have never met but I hope you will get along in the near future!
Eduardo Najera F/C 6’8 235 He’s definitely worth trading a double-double center for. And that contract is a bargain for a hustle player. Chris Mullin strikes again!
Mickael Pietrus G/F 6’6 215 So I’m thinking what I should do is sit Jason Richardson because he doesn’t play defense instead of coaching him. Then, I’ll bring in Mickael Pietrus to play defense even though he has no offense.
Jason Richardson G 6’6 225 My coach doesn’t have faith in me and replaces me with the Michael Jordan of Europe. People don’t understand why I beat women.
Clifford Robinson F/C 6’10 240 It’s OK, Cliff. I don’t expect centers to rebound the basketball anyway.
Ansu Sesay F 6’9 225 Because of the NBDL you now have Ansu Sesay on your roster. I’d understand if you wanted to get rid of the NBDL, Warriors fans.


Elton Brand F 6’8 265 He’s such a friendly guy! Why doesn’t he win more games? I mean, he’s such a friendly guy and all.
Rick Brunson G 6’4 205 Your 3rd team is always in good hands with Rick Brunson: Garbage Time Superstar Extraordinairre.
Lionel Chalmers G 6’0 180 You have the perfect name for a high school principal, Lionel. Should you be playing in the NBA? Well, you’re playing for the Clippers so I guess you haven’t even made it yet.
Kaniel Dickens F 6’8 215 Kaniel isn’t a real name, FYI. Get a real upstanding name for yourself. Like Lionel Chalmers.
Jerry Holman F/C 6’10 222 Jerry Holman is a fat lawyer’s name.
Marko Jaric G 6’7 217 The Clippers might figure out that he’s not a point guard this year but don’t count on it.
Chris Kaman C 7’0 268 Todd MacCulloch, Jr.! MacCulloch MacCulloch MacCulloch
Kerry Kittles G 6’5 195 I’d actually rather be on the Clippers than the Nets right now. You lucked out Kerry, believe it or not. Now go fix those holes in your kneecaps.
Trajan Langdon G 6’3 197 You might want to take that Alaskan Assassin sniper rifle and stick it up to your temple.
Shaun Livingston G 6’7 175 I’m shocked that the Clippers didn’t include Marko Jaric in their long-term plans. Aren’t you?
Corey Maggette G/F 6’6 228 Stop squinting your eyes, Corey. You really do play for the Clippers!
Mikki Moore C 7’0 230 Mikki gets cut about as many times as the real Mickey has a birthday bash.
Terence Morris F 6’9 221 Remember when Terence was a sure lottery pick but he decided to stay at Maryland for his senior year? Then he sold the other R in his name for another shot to stick with the Clippers.
Mamadou N’diaye C 7’0 255 I really wish I were 7 feet tall. I know I would at least be as good as this fucking idiot. Please, David Stern, no more N’Diayes in the NBA please.
Zeljko Rebraca C 7’0 257 My heart stops when Zeljko steps on the floor!
Quinton Ross G 6’6 195 I’m not even going to bother.
Bobby Simmons G/F 6’6 235 What is a jump shot? Don’t ask Bobby because he doesn’t know either.
Chris Wilcox F 6’10 229 Living off of potential seems to be a nice little deal.


Chucky Atkins G 5’11 160 At least Chucky wouldn’t let Chauncey Billups embarrass him in the NBA finals.
Tony Bobbitt G 6’4 190 Tony can’t even start for his team in college at Cincinnati but here he is on the defending Western Conference champion’s roster. Wow.
Tierre Brown G 6’2 189 That’s such a cool first name to be wasted on a shitty player. I bet his NBDL teammates are jealous.
Kobe Bryant G 6’6 220 Kobe Bryant has a rap song out about how he only sleeps with actresses and stays away from all other women because all they want is his money. Just thought I’d let you know.
Caron Butler F 6’7 220 Hi Caron. Mind showing up this year?
Brian Cook F 6’9 234 The Big 10 Players of the Year were nestled all snug on the bench. While visions of DNP-CDs danced in their heads.
Vlade Divac C 7’1 260 The Lakers are running a lot in the preseason? Not on Vlade’s watch!
Marcus Douthit F/C 6’11 233 Think Marcus makes the roster? I douthit!
Devean George F 6’8 240 I’m still trying to remember why the Lakers gave Devean their entire mid-level exception at one time.
Brian Grant C 6’9 254 When I see “Center” and “6’9” together I get a tear in my eye. It reminds me that there's still a place in this league for Robert Traylor.
Nate Johnson G 6’1 195 I’ve sat here and stared at the name Nate Johnson for about 5 minutes and can’t think of a single thing to write so you’re on your own.
Jumaine Jones F 6’8 218 He still reminds everyone of those two or three decent games he had in the playoffs as a Sixer.
Stanislav Medvedenko F/C 6’10 250 Slava does nothing but score! Nevermind that his man will double up on whatever Slava scores.
Chris Mihm F/C 7’0 265 A big guy that can’t make a lay-up is a valuable asset to a running team.
Lamar Odom F 6’10 232 Los Angeles always treats Lamar so well. Welcome back, prodigal son!
Kareem Rush G 6’6 215 Keep shooting, Kareem! One of them will fall!
Sasha Vujacic G 6’7 193 This guy might beat out Chucky Atkins for the starting point guard spot on the Los Angeles fucking Lakers. I don’t know what to say about that.
Luke Walton F 6’8 235 I’ve heard enough about Luke Walton to last a lifetime and he’s only in his second year. I’m going to stab myself in the throat.


Leandro Barbosa G 6’3 176 When Barbosa’s knuckles aren’t dragging on the ground, he’s out beating Steve Nash in pickup games. Don't worry Phoenix, I'm sure you'll trade him in order to free up cash so you'll resign Joe Johnson!
Zarko Cabarkapa F 6’11 235 As long as you don’t foul him on fast breaks, word has it that Zarko is a good player.
Derrick Dial G 6’4 184 Just give up, Derrick. Are you just collecting uniforms to sell on eBay or what?
Howard Eisley G 6’2 185 Just play in Utah for one season and you, too, can be given a large contract by Scott Layden.
Steven Hunter C 7’0 240 If I only had a brain
Casey Jacobsen G/F 6’6 215 Casey is a faggot but I really want to fuck his girlfriend. Just thought I’d let you know.
Joe Johnson G 6’7 235 Now that Joe Johnson has finally become the scorer that everyone thought he could be, it only makes sense for Phoenix to sign Quentin Richardson.
Maciej Lampe F 6’11 275 He really did look like a first round pick last year, didn’t he? How dare the Knicks wait until the second round to grab him!
Shawn Marion F 6’7 228 Shawn Marion doesn’t play well unless he has a decent point guard? Wow, that’s so weird. I never would’ve thought that. Good thing he isn’t overpaid then, I guess.
Quentin Richardson G 6’5 238 Jack up 3-pointers left and right and the Suns will give you $50 million. You don’t even need to hit 40% of your overall field goals either, they’ll overlook that.
Paul Shirley F 6’10 230 When I’m looking for a tough or burly power forward I always look up Paul Shirley. Then I take a big shit.
Amare Stoudemire F 6’10 245 The only guy that actually played well without Marbury around. It’s good to know that he doesn’t need Stephon around in order to dunk a lot.
Yuta Tabuse G 5’9 165 It’s kind of sad to think that there’s no place in the league for a 5’9 point guard. He can always play center for some lucky team in Japan!
Jake Voskuhl C 6’11 245 I don’t even think Phoenix realizes that there is a center position in the NBA.
Jackson Vroman F/C 6’10 220 Being behind Jack Voskuhl on the depth chart is enough to force you into retirement and become a GM for the Boston Celtics.


Courtney Alexander G 6’6 205 Injuries, shitty attitude, underachievement: Courtney Alexander knows not of these things!
Matt Barnes F 6’7 235 The league really does need more 6’7 power forwards. I’ve always said this.
Mike Bibby G 6’1 190 So is Bibby or Jackson going to be injured this season? We might as well figure this out now so Webber can pack up and go home.
David Bluthenthal F 6’7 220 I wonder if David ever contemplated suicide upon learning that Brian Scalabrine was drafted and he wasn’t.
Doug Christie G 6’6 205 I thought about making a Doug Christie’s wife joke but that’s pretty weak. His overall game is a big enough joke nowadays. Team Clutch is happy to have you aboard, Doug.
Maurice Evans G/F 6’5 220 There’s always room for more swingmen in Sacramento!
Bobby Jackson G 6’1 185 Everyone’s favorite spark plug is now mentioned in trade rumors with everyone’s favorite clutch performer!
Kevin Martin G 6’7 185 Good-looking rookie; too bad Sacramento won’t play him. After all, Courtney Alexander does need his tenth chance.
Brad Miller F/C 7’0 261 Brad finally has someone to spit his chaw at in Greg Ostertag.
Ricky Minard G 6’4 200 One more small scoring guard can’t hurt!
Greg Ostertag C 7’2 280 Any team with Greg Ostertag is going places. I mean, if I had $4 million just laying around burning a hole in my pocket I’d probably give it to Greg Ostertag too.
Darius Songaila F 6’9 248 So are we all supposed to still be amazed by his passing ability? If so then I’ll still act like I care.
Peja Stojakovic F 6’10 229 But Ron Artest would’ve fit right in with the Kings!
Chris Webber F 6’10 245 If you have the last shot in a game 7, wouldn’t you just go ahead and take Chris Webber out before he starts going into a cold sweat and trying to hike the basketball to a goalie?