| Carmelo Anthony F 6’8 230 |
Remember last year when everyone thought Carmelo was
better than LeBron? An entire summer of whining can change a lot of
things! |
| Earl Boykins G 5’5 133 |
Can Charlotte please trade for him and make him their starter?
Please? |
| Greg Buckner G 6’4 210 |
The answer to all of Denver’s 2 guard needs! Only 5 more
years left on his deal too!
|
| Mitchell Butler G 6’5 216 |
Mitchell, don’t you belong on Portland’s injured list?
What are you doing on Denver’s? |
| Marcus Camby C 6’11 235 |
So now that Marcus has his contract I’m going to go ahead
and make an injury joke now. |
| Francisco Elson F/C 7’0 235 |
DON’T TOUCH HIS FUCKING PRIVATE PARTS |
| Marcus Hatten G 6’0 158 |
Every team needs a little Allen Iverson on it. Sure he’ll
shoot 38% but he’s got heart! |
| Nene Hilario F/C 6’11 260 |
It must be difficult to be 6’11 and only get 6 rebounds a
game but Nene somehow has the courage to do so. |
| Voshon Lenard G 6’4 205 |
It almost looks like he was meant to be about 6’7 and god
just pushed down on his head or something. |
| Kenyon Martin F 6’9 240 |
$86 million can probably buy a lot of wannabe thug tattoos |
| Andre Miller G 6’2 200 |
How did you go from averaging 10 assists on the Cavs to a ‘scoring
point guard’, Andre? How can you not average at least 9 assists
on this team? |
| Desmond Penigar F 6’7 245 |
He wasn’t even good enough for the Magic last season. |
| Mark Pope F/C 6’10 235 |
Pitino coached him so he must be good |
| Bryon Russell G/F 6’7 225 |
Does anyone ever wonder what it was like for Bryon Russell during
that year he was with the Wizards and Michael Jordan? Do you think
Bryon ever asked about the push-off? |
| Soumaila Samake C 6’0 245 |
What the fuck? |
| Nikoloz Tskitishvili F 7’0 245 |
One more year of being too scared of venturing into the paint.
Look at all that untapped potential he’s oozing as he stands
at the 3 point line! |
| Rodney White G/F 6’9 230 |
Stop kidding yourself, you’re not a guard. |
| Anthony Carter G 6’2 195 |
I hope he fired his agent |
| Sam Cassell G 6’3 185 |
It’s funny how he goes from having his best season and he
gets injured so now everyone is writing him off as being too old and
injury-prone. Basketball fans are retarded |
| Ndudi Ebi F 6’9 200 |
Those goggles will definitely help you go from 15th man to 14th
man this year DOODY. |
| Kevin Garnett F 6’11 220 |
Do you think Kevin does a double take whenever Sam Cassell passes
him the ball? I know I would. |
| Anthony Goldwire G 6’2 182 |
Remember when he led Denver to that 11-win season? Me too! |
| Eddie Griffin F 6’10 232 |
Eddie is like that really hot girl that you want to fuck even though
you know she has herpes. But you know, in the basketball sense. |
| Trenton Hassell G 6’5 200 |
How bad do you have to be when you can’t get your starting
job back from Trenton fucking Hassell. |
| Fred Hoiberg G 6’5 210 |
The mayor of Athleticville. Population: Everyone but Hoiberg |
| Troy Hudson G 6’1 175 |
If Troy can stop shooting at people and selling drugs in front
of his house then I predict he’ll have a good year |
| Ervin Johnson C 6’11 255 |
He’s 7 feet of gentle spirituality! Just what you want out
of your center in the western conference |
| Mark Madsen F 6’9 245 |
I’ve finally found a player who’s worse than Rick Robey
ever was. |
| Michael Olowokandi C 7’0 270 |
My favorite part of reading NBA previews on various websites is
when they mention Olowokandi breaking out. Seriously, it never gets
old. |
| Rick Rickert F 6’11 215 |
Hey Rick, you’re almost the same weight as Fred Hoiberg.
Think about that. |
| Latrell Sprewell G/F 6’5 195 |
Oh, he wants a $40 million extension? Well I’d like YOU to
say no to a guy that choked his coach. |
| Blake Stepp G 6’4 194 |
Hey look it’s a 6’4 point guard! We better draft him
since he’s tall and can dribble the ball! He’s a point
guard… FROM THE FUTURE! |
| Wally Szczerbiak F 6’7 235 |
Wally never runs from a challenge! The only things Wally runs from
are blame and fat girls in clogs. |
| John Thomas F 6’9 265 |
Yeah, give it another try, John. What can it hurt? The league can
always use more Etan Thomas clones. |
| Shareef Abdur-Rahim F 6’9 245 |
The NBA's George Costanza is doing the George Costanza
routine of doing everything the opposite of what he's always done.
Now he's being an asshole about starting or being traded. Will it
get him into the playoffs? Who knows! Or cares! |
| Derek Anderson G 6’5 195 |
So which injury is it going to be this year, Derek? Knee? Back?
Roll them dice! |
| Richie Frahm G 6’5 210 |
The final piece to the puzzle. |
| Viktor Khryapa F 6’9 210 |
His last name sort of sounds like the word crap. Hmmm |
| James Lang C 6’10 305 |
You didn’t need college ball anyway!!! |
| Darius Miles G/F 6’9 210 |
Neither did you! Did anyone else love how all the writers won’t
stop gushing over Darius’ 12ppg performance over 2 fucking months?
Did we forget he’s a former #3 OVERALL PICK? |
| Sergei Monia F 6’8 220 |
Portland stole him from Utah so the Jazz had to draft a black guy
instead. Think I can work this joke in a few more times? |
| Travis Outlaw F 6’9 210 |
Did he even play last year? Like, at all? |
| Ruben Patterson F 6’5 224 |
I’ll go ahead and ask since nobody else will: Isn’t
it weird how Patterson was known as the Kobe stopper and how they’re
linked together by that? Now what happens if you leave them both alone
in a room with a 19-year-old? |
| Joel Przybilla C 7’1 255 |
You have Vladimir Stephania and this guy on the same team? Shouldn’t
there be a new law against that? Portland is going to be my new favorite
garbage time team. |
| Zach Randolph F 6’9 253 |
If I’m Portland I’d be more worried about those 5 turnovers
a game than the trouble he’s had with the law. NBA stardom is
a get out of jail free card that never expires, right Jayson? |
| Theo Ratliff F/C 6’10 235 |
I almost feel bad for the guy. Then again, I’m sure he’ll
have a great time bonding with Sebastian Telfair while they’re
both on the injured list. |
| Ha Seung-Jin C 7’3 305 |
I think the skin is falling off of his face. |
| Vladimir Stepania C 7’1 255 |
VLADIMIR JUST WANTS BALL TO SCORE! |
| Damon Stoudamire G 5’10 171 |
Mighty Mouse better be expecting a mighty pay cut this summer if
there’s any justice in this league. |
| Sebastian Telfair G 6’0 165 |
If I’m a franchise that’s knee-deep in turmoil then
I think the first thing I’d do is draft a shrimpy point guard
that has had everything in life handed to him on a silver platter.
It just seems right. |
| Nick Van Exel G 6’1 195 |
And I’d probably trade for Nick Van Exel to show him the
ropes. |
| Qyntel Woods G/F 6’8 221 |
Qyntel Woods’ house: What happens here stays here. |
| Ray Allen G 6’5 205 |
Since when did Ray Allen have emotions? I know Seattle
is cheap and loves screwing their star players but you’ve got
a great movie career ahead of you! Now go back to pretending you’re
mad.
|
| Mateen Cleaves G 6’2 205 |
Wow, he’s still around? Does anyone else just want to punch
him when he smiles? |
| Nick Collison F 6’9 255 |
It’s a good thing Nick Collison is back from injury. Lets
trade for Danny Fortson now! Good job showing the faith, Seattle. |
| Antonio Daniels G 6’4 205 |
Solid defensive point guards have no place on Seattle’s roster.
There isn’t enough bitching or 3-point attempts on Antonio’s
resume. |
| Carl English G 6’5 205 |
Honestly, who cares? I'm just trying to finish this so the 3 Seattle
fans left on the planet will leave me alone. Carl English sucks, that's
all you need to know. |
| Reggie Evans F 6’8 245 |
Need about 6 rebounds and absolutely incompetent offense? Bring
in Reggie and take Vladimir out again before he demands another max
contract. |
| Danny Fortson F/C 6’8 265 |
Wow, he’s 6’8 now? It’s so weird how these guys
grow another two inches when they get that magical letter C listed
as a possible position. |
| Jerome James C 7’1 272 |
Another year of tremendous upside potential for Seattle fans to
enjoy. |
| Ibo Kutluay G 6’6 200 |
Gesundheit. |
| Rashard Lewis F 6’10 215 |
Why won’t you ever drive to the basket, Rashard? Just once?
No? |
| Ronald Murray G 6’4 190 |
It's going to be hilarious this summer when Seattle blows their
load on resigning Murray and lets Ray Allen walk. These are the reasons
why I love the NBA |
| Vitaly Potapenko C 6’10 285 |
You play in the where? The paint? Please clarify; Seattle management
doesn’t know what you’re talking about. |
| Vladimir Radmanovic F 6'10 234 |
Vlad actually shaved this year! He must be really serious about
getting that max contract! |
| Luke Ridnour G 6’2 175 |
What a playmaker! He played himself right out of the rotation again! |
| Robert Swift C 7’0 245 |
A sure 20 points and 10 rebounds if I ever did see it! |
| David Young G 6’5 205 |
Who the hell is David Young? Like Seattle even gives a shit. If
he can shoot a 3 then he gets a Sonics uniform! |
| Galen Young G 6’6 230 |
The NBDL: The Dream Starts Here. |
| Carlos Arroyo G 6’2 202 |
Memo to the retarded NBA fans: If Arroyo was so good
then he wouldn’t be splitting minutes with a guy who has already
torn both of his knees up. Thanks. |
| Raja Bell G 6’5 210 |
Still living off of that semi-decent performance in the playoffs
as a Sixer. |
| Carlos Boozer F 6’9 258 |
I think Cleveland should go ahead and chance it in 2006 and let
LeBron become a free agent so they can sign him to the mid-level exception.
Think about what a bargain it would be! |
| Curtis Borchardt C 7’0 240 |
He got through a whole year without breaking his foot. Congratulations,
chipmunk face! |
| Jarron Collins C 6’11 255 |
I’m still not sure how this guy ended up on an NBA roster.
Was it either you and your equally-retarded twin or those two other
idiot twins that went to the University of Missouri a few years back? |
| Peter Cornell C 6’11 260 |
I don’t know about you but when I need an enforcer I always
the right name to call: Peter Cornell. It just sounds tough, doesn’t
it? |
| Gordan Giricek G/F 6’6 210 |
Who else can score 30 points one night and then shoot 0-11 the
next? |
| Matt Harpring F 6’7 231 |
Hey Utah fans, are you ready for another season of Matt Harpring
playing 2 guard? But he’s so tough! And rugged! Exactly what
you want at a finesse position! |
| Cedric Henderson F 6’7 225 |
He’s already been cut. Well I’m shocked. |
| Kris Humphries F 6’9 235 |
Weaknesses: Selfish. Well Kris, you’re on the perfect team!
Have fun on the injured list all year long. |
| Andrei Kirilenko F 6’9 225 |
Carmelo Anthony wouldn’t leave his hotel room in Greece and
it’s all because of you, Andrei! Why didn’t you give up
your All-Star Game roster spot? Asshole! |
| Raul Lopez G 6’1 170 |
One more torn ACL and he’s got the hat trick! |
| Keith McLeod G 6’2 188 |
He didn’t stand a chance in Utah anyway. America isn’t
ready for a Jewish president and Utah isn’t ready for a starting
black point guard. |
| Jason Miskiri G 6’2 175 |
His last name looks like an anime character’s name. |
| Mehmet Okur F/C 6’11 249 |
So wait, you paid how much for this guy? What? There’s no
fucking way. Are you serious? Did he even play in the NBA finals at
all? |
| Aleksandar Radojevic C 7’3 250 |
Utah can always use another white center. |
| Kirk Snyder G 6’6 225 |
The sixth black guy on Utah’s roster out of 17. I just thought
I’d use the joke since everyone else has. |
