The Worst Time Of The Year: Northwest Division

By: Emilio Escobar



Carmelo Anthony F 6’8 230 Remember last year when everyone thought Carmelo was better than LeBron? An entire summer of whining can change a lot of things!
Earl Boykins G 5’5 133 Can Charlotte please trade for him and make him their starter? Please?
Greg Buckner G 6’4 210 The answer to all of Denver’s 2 guard needs! Only 5 more years left on his deal too!
Mitchell Butler G 6’5 216 Mitchell, don’t you belong on Portland’s injured list? What are you doing on Denver’s?
Marcus Camby C 6’11 235 So now that Marcus has his contract I’m going to go ahead and make an injury joke now.
Marcus Hatten G 6’0 158 Every team needs a little Allen Iverson on it. Sure he’ll shoot 38% but he’s got heart!
Nene Hilario F/C 6’11 260 It must be difficult to be 6’11 and only get 6 rebounds a game but Nene somehow has the courage to do so.
Voshon Lenard G 6’4 205 It almost looks like he was meant to be about 6’7 and god just pushed down on his head or something.
Kenyon Martin F 6’9 240 $86 million can probably buy a lot of wannabe thug tattoos
Andre Miller G 6’2 200 How did you go from averaging 10 assists on the Cavs to a ‘scoring point guard’, Andre? How can you not average at least 9 assists on this team?
Desmond Penigar F 6’7 245 He wasn’t even good enough for the Magic last season.
Mark Pope F/C 6’10 235 Pitino coached him so he must be good
Bryon Russell G/F 6’7 225 Does anyone ever wonder what it was like for Bryon Russell during that year he was with the Wizards and Michael Jordan? Do you think Bryon ever asked about the push-off?
Soumaila Samake C 6’0 245 What the fuck?
Nikoloz Tskitishvili F 7’0 245 One more year of being too scared of venturing into the paint. Look at all that untapped potential he’s oozing as he stands at the 3 point line!
Rodney White G/F 6’9 230 Stop kidding yourself, you’re not a guard.


Anthony Carter G 6’2 195 I hope he fired his agent
Sam Cassell G 6’3 185 It’s funny how he goes from having his best season and he gets injured so now everyone is writing him off as being too old and injury-prone. Basketball fans are retarded
Ndudi Ebi F 6’9 200 Those goggles will definitely help you go from 15th man to 14th man this year DOODY.
Kevin Garnett F 6’11 220 Do you think Kevin does a double take whenever Sam Cassell passes him the ball? I know I would.
Anthony Goldwire G 6’2 182 Remember when he led Denver to that 11-win season? Me too!
Eddie Griffin F 6’10 232 Eddie is like that really hot girl that you want to fuck even though you know she has herpes. But you know, in the basketball sense.
Trenton Hassell G 6’5 200 How bad do you have to be when you can’t get your starting job back from Trenton fucking Hassell.
Fred Hoiberg G 6’5 210 The mayor of Athleticville. Population: Everyone but Hoiberg
Troy Hudson G 6’1 175 If Troy can stop shooting at people and selling drugs in front of his house then I predict he’ll have a good year
Ervin Johnson C 6’11 255 He’s 7 feet of gentle spirituality! Just what you want out of your center in the western conference
Mark Madsen F 6’9 245 I’ve finally found a player who’s worse than Rick Robey ever was.
Michael Olowokandi C 7’0 270 My favorite part of reading NBA previews on various websites is when they mention Olowokandi breaking out. Seriously, it never gets old.
Rick Rickert F 6’11 215 Hey Rick, you’re almost the same weight as Fred Hoiberg. Think about that.
Latrell Sprewell G/F 6’5 195 Oh, he wants a $40 million extension? Well I’d like YOU to say no to a guy that choked his coach.
Blake Stepp G 6’4 194 Hey look it’s a 6’4 point guard! We better draft him since he’s tall and can dribble the ball! He’s a point guard… FROM THE FUTURE!
Wally Szczerbiak F 6’7 235 Wally never runs from a challenge! The only things Wally runs from are blame and fat girls in clogs.
John Thomas F 6’9 265 Yeah, give it another try, John. What can it hurt? The league can always use more Etan Thomas clones.


Shareef Abdur-Rahim F 6’9 245 The NBA's George Costanza is doing the George Costanza routine of doing everything the opposite of what he's always done. Now he's being an asshole about starting or being traded. Will it get him into the playoffs? Who knows! Or cares!
Derek Anderson G 6’5 195 So which injury is it going to be this year, Derek? Knee? Back? Roll them dice!
Richie Frahm G 6’5 210 The final piece to the puzzle.
Viktor Khryapa F 6’9 210 His last name sort of sounds like the word crap. Hmmm
James Lang C 6’10 305 You didn’t need college ball anyway!!!
Darius Miles G/F 6’9 210 Neither did you! Did anyone else love how all the writers won’t stop gushing over Darius’ 12ppg performance over 2 fucking months? Did we forget he’s a former #3 OVERALL PICK?
Sergei Monia F 6’8 220 Portland stole him from Utah so the Jazz had to draft a black guy instead. Think I can work this joke in a few more times?
Travis Outlaw F 6’9 210 Did he even play last year? Like, at all?
Ruben Patterson F 6’5 224 I’ll go ahead and ask since nobody else will: Isn’t it weird how Patterson was known as the Kobe stopper and how they’re linked together by that? Now what happens if you leave them both alone in a room with a 19-year-old?
Joel Przybilla C 7’1 255 You have Vladimir Stephania and this guy on the same team? Shouldn’t there be a new law against that? Portland is going to be my new favorite garbage time team.
Zach Randolph F 6’9 253 If I’m Portland I’d be more worried about those 5 turnovers a game than the trouble he’s had with the law. NBA stardom is a get out of jail free card that never expires, right Jayson?
Theo Ratliff F/C 6’10 235 I almost feel bad for the guy. Then again, I’m sure he’ll have a great time bonding with Sebastian Telfair while they’re both on the injured list.
Ha Seung-Jin C 7’3 305 I think the skin is falling off of his face.
Vladimir Stepania C 7’1 255 VLADIMIR JUST WANTS BALL TO SCORE!
Damon Stoudamire G 5’10 171 Mighty Mouse better be expecting a mighty pay cut this summer if there’s any justice in this league.
Sebastian Telfair G 6’0 165 If I’m a franchise that’s knee-deep in turmoil then I think the first thing I’d do is draft a shrimpy point guard that has had everything in life handed to him on a silver platter. It just seems right.
Nick Van Exel G 6’1 195 And I’d probably trade for Nick Van Exel to show him the ropes.
Qyntel Woods G/F 6’8 221 Qyntel Woods’ house: What happens here stays here.


Ray Allen G 6’5 205 Since when did Ray Allen have emotions? I know Seattle is cheap and loves screwing their star players but you’ve got a great movie career ahead of you! Now go back to pretending you’re mad.
Mateen Cleaves G 6’2 205 Wow, he’s still around? Does anyone else just want to punch him when he smiles?
Nick Collison F 6’9 255 It’s a good thing Nick Collison is back from injury. Lets trade for Danny Fortson now! Good job showing the faith, Seattle.
Antonio Daniels G 6’4 205 Solid defensive point guards have no place on Seattle’s roster. There isn’t enough bitching or 3-point attempts on Antonio’s resume.
Carl English G 6’5 205 Honestly, who cares? I'm just trying to finish this so the 3 Seattle fans left on the planet will leave me alone. Carl English sucks, that's all you need to know.
Reggie Evans F 6’8 245 Need about 6 rebounds and absolutely incompetent offense? Bring in Reggie and take Vladimir out again before he demands another max contract.
Danny Fortson F/C 6’8 265 Wow, he’s 6’8 now? It’s so weird how these guys grow another two inches when they get that magical letter C listed as a possible position.
Jerome James C 7’1 272 Another year of tremendous upside potential for Seattle fans to enjoy.
Ibo Kutluay G 6’6 200 Gesundheit.
Rashard Lewis F 6’10 215 Why won’t you ever drive to the basket, Rashard? Just once? No?
Ronald Murray G 6’4 190 It's going to be hilarious this summer when Seattle blows their load on resigning Murray and lets Ray Allen walk. These are the reasons why I love the NBA
Vitaly Potapenko C 6’10 285 You play in the where? The paint? Please clarify; Seattle management doesn’t know what you’re talking about.
Vladimir Radmanovic F 6'10 234 Vlad actually shaved this year! He must be really serious about getting that max contract!
Luke Ridnour G 6’2 175 What a playmaker! He played himself right out of the rotation again!
Robert Swift C 7’0 245 A sure 20 points and 10 rebounds if I ever did see it!
David Young G 6’5 205 Who the hell is David Young? Like Seattle even gives a shit. If he can shoot a 3 then he gets a Sonics uniform!
Galen Young G 6’6 230 The NBDL: The Dream Starts Here.


Carlos Arroyo G 6’2 202 Memo to the retarded NBA fans: If Arroyo was so good then he wouldn’t be splitting minutes with a guy who has already torn both of his knees up. Thanks.
Raja Bell G 6’5 210 Still living off of that semi-decent performance in the playoffs as a Sixer.
Carlos Boozer F 6’9 258 I think Cleveland should go ahead and chance it in 2006 and let LeBron become a free agent so they can sign him to the mid-level exception. Think about what a bargain it would be!
Curtis Borchardt C 7’0 240 He got through a whole year without breaking his foot. Congratulations, chipmunk face!
Jarron Collins C 6’11 255 I’m still not sure how this guy ended up on an NBA roster. Was it either you and your equally-retarded twin or those two other idiot twins that went to the University of Missouri a few years back?
Peter Cornell C 6’11 260 I don’t know about you but when I need an enforcer I always the right name to call: Peter Cornell. It just sounds tough, doesn’t it?
Gordan Giricek G/F 6’6 210 Who else can score 30 points one night and then shoot 0-11 the next?
Matt Harpring F 6’7 231 Hey Utah fans, are you ready for another season of Matt Harpring playing 2 guard? But he’s so tough! And rugged! Exactly what you want at a finesse position!
Cedric Henderson F 6’7 225 He’s already been cut. Well I’m shocked.
Kris Humphries F 6’9 235 Weaknesses: Selfish. Well Kris, you’re on the perfect team! Have fun on the injured list all year long.
Andrei Kirilenko F 6’9 225 Carmelo Anthony wouldn’t leave his hotel room in Greece and it’s all because of you, Andrei! Why didn’t you give up your All-Star Game roster spot? Asshole!
Raul Lopez G 6’1 170 One more torn ACL and he’s got the hat trick!
Keith McLeod G 6’2 188 He didn’t stand a chance in Utah anyway. America isn’t ready for a Jewish president and Utah isn’t ready for a starting black point guard.
Jason Miskiri G 6’2 175 His last name looks like an anime character’s name.
Mehmet Okur F/C 6’11 249 So wait, you paid how much for this guy? What? There’s no fucking way. Are you serious? Did he even play in the NBA finals at all?
Aleksandar Radojevic C 7’3 250 Utah can always use another white center.
Kirk Snyder G 6’6 225 The sixth black guy on Utah’s roster out of 17. I just thought I’d use the joke since everyone else has.