The Worst Time of Year: Central Division

By: Emilio Escobar



Tyson Chandler F 7’1 235 Back problems. Small hands. No offense. Small things like these don’t concern a juggernaut like the Chicago Bulls. However, contract extensions do!
Eddy Curry C 6’11 285 Was there anything funnier in the last 10 years than watching Curry run at Brendan Haywood’s nuts like he smelled blood? Did Haywood have a steak in his pocket or something?
Antonio Davis F/C 6’9 245 Not only does he play like a dinosaur but he actually looks like one. The Bulls are hoping a meteor wipes him off their salary books
Luol Deng G/F 6’8 220 How many times are we going to see “Lol Deng” jokes this year? What’s the over-under?
Chris Duhon G 6’1 185 The Bulls treat former Duke point guards really well so have fun, Chris
Ben Gordon G 6’3 200 Wow, he has looked awful. Is he even 6’1? Why was he drafted at #3? Did I step in dog shit?
Adrian Griffin G/F 6’5 230 Add him to the All-Training Camp team.
Othella Harrington F 6’9 235 The golden age of New York Knicks basketball wasn’t in the early ‘70’s. It was when both Harrington and Clarence Weatherspoon manned the Knicks’ frontcourt with Charlie Ward hoisting 3’s with sugarplums dancing in Scott Layden’s head
Kirk Hinrich G 6’3 190 It really is sad that Chicago’s best player last year was a little white point guard who looked completely lost to start the year and ended up shooting under 40% overall. But hey, no worries! They’re still going to get that big free agent acquisition any day now. And the Bulls drafted 2 more point guards to help him out!
Andres Nocioni F 6’7 225 The Bulls have provided both highlights of the season: Next to Curry’s ball-craving stunt, Nocioni started referring to last year’s rookie of the year as LeBronze for Team USA’s third-place finish in the Olympics. He’s already got the trash talking down pat
Jannero Pargo G 6’1 175 I think I would pay money to watch him play a pick-up game against Tyronn Lue. Loser has to swallow his Lakers championship ring whole while Eddy Curry punches you in the nuts.
Eric Piatkowski G/F 6’7 215 The last guy on earth who signed with the Clippers under his own free will
Eddie Robinson F 6’9 210 Even Isiah didn’t want your contract, Eddie
Gary Trent F 6’8 250 What a beast in the paint! Danny Fortson is taking notes!
Cezary Trybanski C 7’2 240 Jerry West’s own personal project! I think Frankenstein himself had more mobility
Mike Wilks G 5’11 180 And thanks to the NBDL, my dreams came true. I became the 4th-string point guard for a really shitty team
Frank Williams G 6’3 210 Being an unmotivated fat backup point guard really isn’t working out for ol’ Frank. Maybe the Bulls need Khalid El-Amin again!


DeSagana Diop F/C 7’0 280 I’m waiting for the Cavs to try him at point guard now. Why not?
Drew Gooden F 6’10 242 Gooden is worth –10 wins alone so watch for the Cavs to slip back into the deep lottery. It’s unbelievable; I’ve never seen a guy so focused on not passing the ball to anyone
Lucious Harris G 6’5 205 It figures that a blind guy would sign someone that was cut by the Nets
Zydrunas Ilgauskas C 7’3 260 It’s a contract year so I expect two unbroken feet for at least another 9 months
Luke Jackson F 6’7 215 Is there anything fucking difference between this guy and Jason Kapono? Why is he a lottery pick?
LeBron James G 6’8 240 You went from Carlos Boozer to Gooden. I’m sorry, LeBron, but if you can somehow throw a career-ending chosen-one pass to Drew then I don’t think you’re making the playoffs this year. Maybe if you hold down the turbo button?
Ira Newble G/F 6’7 220 Ice-T’s twin brother is still in the NBA and Cleveland hasn’t bought his contract out yet. Unbelievable
Aleksandar Pavlovic G/F 6’8 220 Cleveland, this is your lone perimeter threat. Just wanted to remind you
Eric Snow G 6’3 204 I think moving a 6’3 point guard who can’t shoot outside of 15 feet over to shooting guard is a really good move. Honstly.
Robert Traylor F/C 6’8 284 Yeah, 284lbs my fucking ass. Nothing like being a 300 pound 6’8 center that shoots 15-foot jumpers. It’s like watching a bear juggle. The only thing that would making watching the bear juggle more fun is after you realized it was traded for Dirk Nowitzki
Anderson Varejao F 6’10 230 I’m being completely honest when I say I can’t fucking wait to watch this guy play. I’m going to buy a lot of beer the day that Gooden gets injured and Varejao is forced to play starter’s minutes. I hear that he’s like Mark Madsen but worse
Dajuan Wagner G 6’2 200 Can you score 100 points in a high school game? No, but I can piss without feeling pain!
Scott Williams F/C 6’10 260 Another year of hustling for Scotty Williams! YOU ARE A GROWN MAN STOP CALLING YOURSELF SCOTTY YOU FUCKING FAGGOT


Chauncey Billups G 6’3 202 The rare breed of point guard that shoots like absolute shit for the first 47 minutes of the game and then finally hits a shot in the last minute. The fans forgive him and the media forgets about the first 47 minutes. It’s kind of like watching Manu Ginobili highlights in that you see him make a crazy layup but you don’t see the first 20 times he tried it and the ball hits the back of the shot clock.
Elden Campbell C 7’0 279 The first in a long generation of “Basketball Players Who Run Like Giant Geese”. He has inspired a promising potent group of basketball players that look like unix administrators such as Chris Mihm and Dan Gadzuric!
Derrick Coleman F/C 6’10 270 Corliss Williamson for Derrick Coleman: A trade where nobody wins
Carlos Delfino G/F 6’6 230 Sorry Pistons fans but this guy is terrible. I’ve seen Euro and Pistons games and the guy doesn’t really know what he’s doing. Maybe he can play receiver for the Lions since his collarbone isn’t broken.
Ronald Dupree F 6’7 209 He couldn’t keep a roster spot with the Bulls so he migrates to Detroit. Good thinking!
Darvin Ham F 6’7 240 Dunking his way into your heart. And the end of your bench.
Richard Hamilton G 6’7 193 I know I’m sick of hearing about Richard Hamilton and I’m sure you are too so I’ll spare you. How many more times do we have to hear how much of a throwback that he is? I bet he’s so old school that he actually uses a condom with his groupies
Lindsey Hunter G 6’2 195 Still waiting on my contract
Horace Jenkins G 6’1 180 He can dunk and he’s a point guard! Time to ignore his ability to actually play basketball and throw a contract at him
Antonio McDyess F 6’9 245 Did you know that Antonio McDyess played very well for the Suns last season? Because I didn’t but that’s what the announcers told me
Darko Milicic F/C 7’0 250 Coming to a hotel mini-bar near you!
Smush Parker G 6’4 190 From playground legend to battling for a 10-day contract. It’s a good thing he seasoned his game for a year at Fordham!
Rickey Paulding G 6’5 218 He went from lottery pick his junior year to being lucky he was drafted at all this past year. Couldn’t the Pistons just sign Mateen Cleaves again? He has such a wonderful smile and all!
Tayshaun Prince F 6’9 215 The world needs more announcers that will call him Curious George. “And this week, Curious Tayshaun climbs into the back of Darko’s SUV and finds nothing but candy and pornography!”
Ben Wallace F 6’9 240 This is what you see when you bring it in Ben’s lane: a dead 61-year-old brother!
Rasheed Wallace F/C 6’11 230 Isn’t it weird how the media stops making fun of you as soon as you start playing for a winning team? Have we ever gotten an explanation for that thing on his head? Is that a bald spot? Grey hair? A bird nest? Semen?


Ron Artest F 6’7 247 I’m taking a month off of writing this site to concentrate more on making fun of Ron Artest. Maybe I’ll even promote this on the Today Show ad nauseum
Jonathan Bender F 7’0 219 Welcome to Jonathan Bender’s 5th annual breakout season!
Austin Croshere F 6’10 242 Austin is diligently waiting for someone, who is infinitely more talented than he is, to get injured
John Edwards C 7’0 275 Indiana stockpiles white centers who are unable to throw a cup of beer very far
Desmond Farmer G 6’5 220 I watched Desmond in a summer league game and he refused to pass the ball. Looks like Portland has found itself a new short stumpy power forward!
Jeff Foster C 6’11 242 Jeff’s Adams apple contains the cure for HIV as well as a satellite for NBA TV
Eddie Gill G 6’0 190 The life of a career 3rd string point guard is rough; especially when you might have to actually play since you’re behind two horrible point guards.
David Harrison C 7’0 250 He’s 7 feet tall so he will become a star of course. Pacers fans, you guys need to calm down. If he really were that good then he wouldn’t have stayed in college for so long. Not enough upside; couldn’t touch the top of the backboard with both feet
Stephen Jackson G/F 6’8 220 He loves to take big shots! To a spectator’s jaw!
Anthony Johnson G 6’3 190 When the media discusses whether this guy should be starting over your starting point guard then you know it’s time to do something
Fred Jones G 6’4 210 Harold Miner, Isaiah Rider, Kenny Walker, Dee Brown. That’s good company!
James Jones F 6’8 225 You’re making Henry James very proud
Reggie Miller 6’7 195 Isn’t he like 39 now? Why bother starting him? Do you just want to keep reminding Pacers fans how you've almost done something worthy of note with Reggie?
Jermaine O’Neal F 6’11 242 He hits big shots and cops. What else do you want out of your big man?
Scot Pollard C 6’11 265 Oh Scot, what will you say next? I know it won’t be anything to the effect of “Don’t take me out coach, they can’t stop me”
Jamaal Tinsley G 6’3 195 What do you do when you criticize your team’s starting point guard for 3 years? Naturally you would give him a contract extension
Rashad Wright G 6’2 190 At least you have that college education to fall back on, Rashad. Did you major in General Studies? Or possibly Sports Management? I know that basketball class taught by Jim Harrick must have helped you attain your lofty goal!


Tommy Adams G 6’3 205 My imagination runs wild when I think of how good a player named Tommy Adams can be! Move over Ryan Bowen!
T.J. Ford G 6’0 165 Even without a functioning spinal cord he's still better than the rest of the Bucks' point guards. Suit 'em up, T.J.!
Dan Gadzuric C 6’11 240 The chances of him wanting everyone to pronounce his name in some other weird faggoty way are surprisingly high this year
Marcus Haislip F 6’10 230 Former lottery pick turned out-of-work basketball player. The upside era takes it's toll on everyone! Don't worry, Marcus. I'm sure Chad Ford still thinks very highly of you!
Zendon Hamilton F 6’11 250 One of the funnier things that happened last year was the 76ers stripping the NBDL of all of their skinny centers and giving them starter’s minutes. Watching Zendon Hamilton work in the post is really something you should share with the whole family this Thanksgiving
Juaquin Hawkins G/F 6’7 205 With any luck this season Juaquin will be called up from the NBDL by Rudy Tomjanovich as well as Sam Mack once Mack is done robbing Burger Kings.
Mike James G 6’2 188 I have to say that it was pretty fun hearing Celtics fans try to convince me that Mike James was a good starting point guard last year. And of course one he was traded
Lonnie Jones C 7’0 228 Just a reminder that season tickets are still on sale at the Bradley Center
Toni Kukoc F 6’11 235 The Waiter is still the worst nickname in the history of professional sports. Or maybe it’s the best one because it’s like career foreshadowing.
Desmond Mason G/F 6’5 222 I heard he’s teaching Gerald Wallace how to shoot
Jelani McCoy F/C 6’10 245 The Bucks are awesome because they never bother with the center and power forward positions. It almost makes you wonder which centers are on Milwaukee’s speed dial. Maybe a Tree Rollins mixed with some Bill Cartwright? Ahh screw it, just trade Nowitzki for Tractor Traylor again
Michael Redd G 6’6 213 Sorry Bucks fans but this guy is leaving. If Bucks management didn’t want to build around Ray Allen then why would they build around Redd? Isn’t Redd a poor man’s version of Allen? I think the only logical way to solve this dilemma is to trade him for Chucky Atkins
Daniel Santiago C 7’1 260 Fucking Zaza Pachulia is beating you out for minutes. Go back to Puerto Rico and fix your face you ugly fuck
Joe Smith F 6’10 225 Why hasn’t a Timberwolves fan killed him yet?
Erick Strickland G 6’3 210 Erick is always mad! Why are you so mad, Erick? Being paid to sit on the injured list for 50 games each year doesn’t seem very stressful to me. Maybe you’re still mad that you weren’t drafted? It must be those flashbacks of having Tyronn Lue as a backcourt mate in college.
Keith Van Horn F 6’10 245 Teams keep trading him because he isn’t the tough forward everyone wants but these are the same GMs that keep drafting 7-foot perimeter shoots in Europe. What gives?
Brandon Williams F 6’6 215 Hey Brandon, welcome to Milwaukee! Pretend the paint is like a prophylactic and stay away from it!
Maurice Williams G 6’1 185 Ohhh, I think I get it. He’s SUPPOSED to be a point guard that can’t shoot at all! Life without Jerry Sloan is going to such, huh Mo?