| Tyson Chandler F 7’1 235 |
Back problems. Small hands. No offense. Small things
like these don’t concern a juggernaut like the Chicago Bulls.
However, contract extensions do! |
| Eddy Curry C 6’11 285 |
Was there anything funnier in the last 10 years than watching Curry
run at Brendan Haywood’s nuts like he smelled blood? Did Haywood
have a steak in his pocket or something? |
| Antonio Davis F/C 6’9 245 |
Not only does he play like a dinosaur but he actually looks like
one. The Bulls are hoping a meteor wipes him off their salary books |
| Luol Deng G/F 6’8 220 |
How many times are we going to see “Lol Deng” jokes
this year? What’s the over-under? |
| Chris Duhon G 6’1 185 |
The Bulls treat former Duke point guards really well so have fun,
Chris |
| Ben Gordon G 6’3 200 |
Wow, he has looked awful. Is he even 6’1? Why was he drafted
at #3? Did I step in dog shit? |
| Adrian Griffin G/F 6’5 230 |
Add him to the All-Training Camp team. |
| Othella Harrington F 6’9 235 |
The golden age of New York Knicks basketball wasn’t in the
early ‘70’s. It was when both Harrington and Clarence
Weatherspoon manned the Knicks’ frontcourt with Charlie Ward
hoisting 3’s with sugarplums dancing in Scott Layden’s
head |
| Kirk Hinrich G 6’3 190 |
It really is sad that Chicago’s best player last year was
a little white point guard who looked completely lost to start the
year and ended up shooting under 40% overall. But hey, no worries!
They’re still going to get that big free agent acquisition any
day now. And the Bulls drafted 2 more point guards to help him out! |
| Andres Nocioni F 6’7 225 |
The Bulls have provided both highlights of the season: Next to
Curry’s ball-craving stunt, Nocioni started referring to last
year’s rookie of the year as LeBronze for Team USA’s third-place
finish in the Olympics. He’s already got the trash talking down
pat |
| Jannero Pargo G 6’1 175 |
I think I would pay money to watch him play a pick-up game against
Tyronn Lue. Loser has to swallow his Lakers championship ring whole
while Eddy Curry punches you in the nuts. |
| Eric Piatkowski G/F 6’7 215 |
The last guy on earth who signed with the Clippers under his own
free will |
| Eddie Robinson F 6’9 210 |
Even Isiah didn’t want your contract, Eddie |
| Gary Trent F 6’8 250 |
What a beast in the paint! Danny Fortson is taking notes! |
| Cezary Trybanski C 7’2 240 |
Jerry West’s own personal project! I think Frankenstein himself
had more mobility |
| Mike Wilks G 5’11 180 |
And thanks to the NBDL, my dreams came true. I became the 4th-string
point guard for a really shitty team |
| Frank Williams G 6’3 210 |
Being an unmotivated fat backup point guard really isn’t working
out for ol’ Frank. Maybe the Bulls need Khalid El-Amin again! |
| DeSagana Diop F/C 7’0 280 |
I’m waiting for the Cavs to try him at point guard
now. Why not? |
| Drew Gooden F 6’10 242 |
Gooden is worth –10 wins alone so watch for the Cavs to slip
back into the deep lottery. It’s unbelievable; I’ve never
seen a guy so focused on not passing the ball to anyone |
| Lucious Harris G 6’5 205 |
It figures that a blind guy would sign someone that was cut by
the Nets |
| Zydrunas Ilgauskas C 7’3 260 |
It’s a contract year so I expect two unbroken feet for at
least another 9 months |
| Luke Jackson F 6’7 215 |
Is there anything fucking difference between this guy and Jason
Kapono? Why is he a lottery pick? |
| LeBron James G 6’8 240 |
You went from Carlos Boozer to Gooden. I’m sorry, LeBron,
but if you can somehow throw a career-ending chosen-one pass to Drew
then I don’t think you’re making the playoffs this year.
Maybe if you hold down the turbo button? |
| Jeff McInnis G 6’4 179 |
GIVE DREW HIS NUMBER OR YOU’RE NEVER SEEING THE BALL! |
| Ira Newble G/F 6’7 220 |
Ice-T’s twin brother is still in the NBA and Cleveland hasn’t
bought his contract out yet. Unbelievable |
| Aleksandar Pavlovic G/F 6’8 220 |
Cleveland, this is your lone perimeter threat. Just wanted to remind
you |
| Eric Snow G 6’3 204 |
I think moving a 6’3 point guard who can’t shoot outside
of 15 feet over to shooting guard is a really good move. Honstly. |
| Robert Traylor F/C 6’8 284 |
Yeah, 284lbs my fucking ass. Nothing like being a 300 pound 6’8
center that shoots 15-foot jumpers. It’s like watching a bear
juggle. The only thing that would making watching the bear juggle
more fun is after you realized it was traded for Dirk Nowitzki |
| Anderson Varejao F 6’10 230 |
I’m being completely honest when I say I can’t fucking
wait to watch this guy play. I’m going to buy a lot of beer
the day that Gooden gets injured and Varejao is forced to play starter’s
minutes. I hear that he’s like Mark Madsen but worse |
| Dajuan Wagner G 6’2 200 |
Can you score 100 points in a high school game? No, but I can piss
without feeling pain! |
| Scott Williams F/C 6’10 260 |
Another year of hustling for Scotty Williams! YOU ARE A GROWN MAN
STOP CALLING YOURSELF SCOTTY YOU FUCKING FAGGOT |
| Chauncey Billups G 6’3 202 |
The rare breed of point guard that shoots like absolute
shit for the first 47 minutes of the game and then finally hits a
shot in the last minute. The fans forgive him and the media forgets
about the first 47 minutes. It’s kind of like watching Manu
Ginobili highlights in that you see him make a crazy layup but you
don’t see the first 20 times he tried it and the ball hits the
back of the shot clock. |
| Elden Campbell C 7’0 279 |
The first in a long generation of “Basketball Players Who
Run Like Giant Geese”. He has inspired a promising potent group
of basketball players that look like unix administrators such as Chris
Mihm and Dan Gadzuric! |
| Derrick Coleman F/C 6’10 270 |
Corliss Williamson for Derrick Coleman: A trade where nobody wins |
| Carlos Delfino G/F 6’6 230 |
Sorry Pistons fans but this guy is terrible. I’ve seen Euro
and Pistons games and the guy doesn’t really know what he’s
doing. Maybe he can play receiver for the Lions since his collarbone
isn’t broken. |
| Ronald Dupree F 6’7 209 |
He couldn’t keep a roster spot with the Bulls so he migrates
to Detroit. Good thinking! |
| Darvin Ham F 6’7 240 |
Dunking his way into your heart. And the end of your bench. |
| Richard Hamilton G 6’7 193 |
I know I’m sick of hearing about Richard Hamilton and I’m
sure you are too so I’ll spare you. How many more times do we
have to hear how much of a throwback that he is? I bet he’s
so old school that he actually uses a condom with his groupies |
| Lindsey Hunter G 6’2 195 |
Still waiting on my contract |
| Horace Jenkins G 6’1 180 |
He can dunk and he’s a point guard! Time to ignore his ability
to actually play basketball and throw a contract at him |
| Antonio McDyess F 6’9 245 |
Did you know that Antonio McDyess played very well for the Suns
last season? Because I didn’t but that’s what the announcers
told me |
| Darko Milicic F/C 7’0 250 |
Coming to a hotel mini-bar near you! |
| Smush Parker G 6’4 190 |
From playground legend to battling for a 10-day contract. It’s
a good thing he seasoned his game for a year at Fordham! |
| Rickey Paulding G 6’5 218 |
He went from lottery pick his junior year to being lucky he was
drafted at all this past year. Couldn’t the Pistons just sign
Mateen Cleaves again? He has such a wonderful smile and all! |
| Tayshaun Prince F 6’9 215 |
The world needs more announcers that will call him Curious George.
“And this week, Curious Tayshaun climbs into the back of Darko’s
SUV and finds nothing but candy and pornography!” |
| Ben Wallace F 6’9 240 |
This is what you see when you bring it in Ben’s lane: a dead
61-year-old brother! |
| Rasheed Wallace F/C 6’11 230 |
Isn’t it weird how the media stops making fun of you as soon
as you start playing for a winning team? Have we ever gotten an explanation
for that thing on his head? Is that a bald spot? Grey hair? A bird
nest? Semen? |
| Ron Artest F 6’7 247 |
I’m taking a month off of writing this site to
concentrate more on making fun of Ron Artest. Maybe I’ll even
promote this on the Today Show ad nauseum |
| Jonathan Bender F 7’0 219 |
Welcome to Jonathan Bender’s 5th annual breakout season! |
| Austin Croshere F 6’10 242 |
Austin is diligently waiting for someone, who is infinitely more
talented than he is, to get injured |
| John Edwards C 7’0 275 |
Indiana stockpiles white centers who are unable to throw a cup
of beer very far |
| Desmond Farmer G 6’5 220 |
I watched Desmond in a summer league game and he refused to pass
the ball. Looks like Portland has found itself a new short stumpy
power forward! |
| Jeff Foster C 6’11 242 |
Jeff’s Adams apple contains the cure for HIV as well as a
satellite for NBA TV |
| Eddie Gill G 6’0 190 |
The life of a career 3rd string point guard is rough; especially
when you might have to actually play since you’re behind two
horrible point guards. |
| David Harrison C 7’0 250 |
He’s 7 feet tall so he will become a star of course. Pacers
fans, you guys need to calm down. If he really were that good then
he wouldn’t have stayed in college for so long. Not enough upside;
couldn’t touch the top of the backboard with both feet |
| Stephen Jackson G/F 6’8 220 |
He loves to take big shots! To a spectator’s jaw! |
| Anthony Johnson G 6’3 190 |
When the media discusses whether this guy should be starting over
your starting point guard then you know it’s time to do something |
| Fred Jones G 6’4 210 |
Harold Miner, Isaiah Rider, Kenny Walker, Dee Brown. That’s
good company! |
| James Jones F 6’8 225 |
You’re making Henry James very proud |
| Reggie Miller 6’7 195 |
Isn’t he like 39 now? Why bother starting him? Do you just
want to keep reminding Pacers fans how you've almost done something
worthy of note with Reggie? |
| Jermaine O’Neal F 6’11 242 |
He hits big shots and cops. What else do you want out of your big
man? |
| Scot Pollard C 6’11 265 |
Oh Scot, what will you say next? I know it won’t be anything
to the effect of “Don’t take me out coach, they can’t
stop me” |
| Jamaal Tinsley G 6’3 195 |
What do you do when you criticize your team’s starting point
guard for 3 years? Naturally you would give him a contract extension |
| Rashad Wright G 6’2 190 |
At least you have that college education to fall back on, Rashad.
Did you major in General Studies? Or possibly Sports Management? I
know that basketball class taught by Jim Harrick must have helped
you attain your lofty goal! |
| Tommy Adams G 6’3 205 |
My imagination runs wild when I think of how good a
player named Tommy Adams can be! Move over Ryan Bowen! |
| T.J. Ford G 6’0 165 |
Even without a functioning spinal cord he's still better than the
rest of the Bucks' point guards. Suit 'em up, T.J.! |
| Dan Gadzuric C 6’11 240 |
The chances of him wanting everyone to pronounce his name in some
other weird faggoty way are surprisingly high this year |
| Marcus Haislip F 6’10 230 |
Former lottery pick turned out-of-work basketball player. The upside
era takes it's toll on everyone! Don't worry, Marcus. I'm sure Chad
Ford still thinks very highly of you! |
| Zendon Hamilton F 6’11 250 |
One of the funnier things that happened last year was the 76ers
stripping the NBDL of all of their skinny centers and giving them
starter’s minutes. Watching Zendon Hamilton work in the post
is really something you should share with the whole family this Thanksgiving |
| Juaquin Hawkins G/F 6’7 205 |
With any luck this season Juaquin will be called up from the NBDL
by Rudy Tomjanovich as well as Sam Mack once Mack is done robbing
Burger Kings. |
| Mike James G 6’2 188 |
I have to say that it was pretty fun hearing Celtics fans try to
convince me that Mike James was a good starting point guard last year.
And of course one he was traded |
| Lonnie Jones C 7’0 228 |
Just a reminder that season tickets are still on sale at the Bradley
Center |
| Toni Kukoc F 6’11 235 |
The Waiter is still the worst nickname in the history of professional
sports. Or maybe it’s the best one because it’s like career
foreshadowing. |
| Desmond Mason G/F 6’5 222 |
I heard he’s teaching Gerald Wallace how to shoot |
| Jelani McCoy F/C 6’10 245 |
The Bucks are awesome because they never bother with the center
and power forward positions. It almost makes you wonder which centers
are on Milwaukee’s speed dial. Maybe a Tree Rollins mixed with
some Bill Cartwright? Ahh screw it, just trade Nowitzki for Tractor
Traylor again |
| Zaza Pachulia C 6’11 240 |
HOW MANY MORE LAYUPS CAN YOU MISS? |
| Michael Redd G 6’6 213 |
Sorry Bucks fans but this guy is leaving. If Bucks management didn’t
want to build around Ray Allen then why would they build around Redd?
Isn’t Redd a poor man’s version of Allen? I think the
only logical way to solve this dilemma is to trade him for Chucky
Atkins |
| Daniel Santiago C 7’1 260 |
Fucking Zaza Pachulia is beating you out for minutes. Go back to
Puerto Rico and fix your face you ugly fuck |
| Joe Smith F 6’10 225 |
Why hasn’t a Timberwolves fan killed him yet? |
| Erick Strickland G 6’3 210 |
Erick is always mad! Why are you so mad, Erick? Being paid to sit
on the injured list for 50 games each year doesn’t seem very
stressful to me. Maybe you’re still mad that you weren’t
drafted? It must be those flashbacks of having Tyronn Lue as a backcourt
mate in college. |
| Keith Van Horn F 6’10 245 |
Teams keep trading him because he isn’t the tough forward
everyone wants but these are the same GMs that keep drafting 7-foot
perimeter shoots in Europe. What gives? |
| Brandon Williams F 6’6 215 |
Hey Brandon, welcome to Milwaukee! Pretend the paint is like a
prophylactic and stay away from it! |
| Maurice Williams G 6’1 185 |
Ohhh, I think I get it. He’s SUPPOSED to be a point guard
that can’t shoot at all! Life without Jerry Sloan is going to
such, huh Mo? |
