The Worst Time of Year: Atlantic Division
By: Emilio Escobar
|Tony Allen G 6’4 213
||Did you know that he was the steal of the draft? And
so was Delonte West. And Al Jefferson is ready for the NBA! Boston
fans are the retarded children of sports
|Marcus Banks G 6’2 200
|| I don’t know why everyone is so down on him. Clearly, if
you can read NBA stats, you will see that he leads the NBA in steals
per 48 minutes in the 4th quarter of meaningless road games!
|Mark Blount C 7’0 250
|| I just got done playing basketball outside and I absolutely dominated
the post when I was playing against some middle-school kids. I’m
patiently awaiting my contract offer from Boston.
|Ernest Brown F 7’0 244
|| Ernest is a good name for a center. It’s right up there with
Kyle, Percy, Pervis and Cookie. Oh wait, he’s a forward. I’m
just going to say that Doc Rivers is a terrible coach instead then
|Ricky Davis G/F 6’7 195
|| All-Star Saturday should include nothing but Ricky Davis dunking
on white guys. One by one make them all stand a foot or two in front
of the basket and let Ricky dunk on them and then scream “OHHHH
SHIT” at the camera with his eyes bugging out
|Tom Gugliotta F 6’10 250
|| My favorite part of the season has been Doc Rivers showing that
he never changes. In Orlando he couldn’t resist giving Pat Garrity
way too much playing time and now he’s doing the same with Googs.
Rivers loves his white power forwards!
|Al Jefferson F 6’10 265
|| Look at that NBA body! And those NBA arms! Oh, it’s another
NBA miss =(
|Raef LaFrentz F/C 6’11 240
|| Don’t judge Raef by the 3’s he misses. Rather, judge
him by the awful defense and absolutely no lateral movement he displays.
And then when you’re done you’ll realize that he’s
your franchise center and you’ll pay him $10 million a year
|Walter McCarty F 6’10 230
|| I’m writing a blues album too, Walter. It’s about what
it must be like to stand 6’10 and not know what the paint looks
like. Has he ever posted anyone up? He used to be known as a high-flying
dunker in college. What happened? Gotta save those feet for the stage!
|Gary Payton G 6’4 180
|| Can someone just sell their championship ring to Gary so he can
fucking retire? We’re not anywhere near the Michael Jordan-Washington
Wizard level of embarrassment but we’re starting to get there
at this point.
|Kendrick Perkins F/C 6’10 280
|| I was worried that we wouldn’t have another Jerome James
in this league!
|Paul Pierce G 6’6 230
|| Another year of putting up Iverson-type scoring and shooting numbers.
Another year that Paul secretly wishes he still had Antoine Walker.
Another year he wishes that those stab wounds were a little more severe
|Justin Reed F 6’8 240
|| I guess they missed Brandon Hunter
|Michael Stewart F/C 6’10 230
|| Yogi stole Boston’s picnic basket! And another paycheck!
|Jiri Welsch G/F 6’7 215
|| One way to get your starting job back is to play fucking terribly
with the 2nd unit, as Jiri has displayed this season.
|Delonte West G 6’4 180
|| He sure is looking like a steal so far, isn’t he Boston?
|Travis Best G 5’11 180
|| Everyone’s favorite rent-a-point guard is back
for another year of being a 5’11 shooting guard. I think it’s
written in the NBA collective bargaining agreement somewhere that
Travis Best cannot sign a contract longer than 1 year
|Rodney Buford G 6’5 189
|| I know you Nets fans gotta be bummed that you're not competive
again and won't be for another decade but Rodney Buford is a pretty
nice consolation prize if you ask me!
|Jason Collins C 7’0 255
|| How is he still a starting NBA center? Can we just change his last
name to Kruschev and resubmit him into the NBA draft? We can have
Chad Ford hype him up and everything
|Kyle Davis C 6’10 235
|| Centers are intimidating. People named Kyle are not.
|Christian Drejer F 6’9 225
|| Christian would love to stick around and get his education but
he has bills to pay!
|Richard Jefferson F 6’7 222
|| I hate Kenyon Martin just as much as anyone else (if not more)
but I’d pay him before I paid a shitty swingman, wouldn’t
you? Welcome to New Jersey!
|Jason Kidd G 6’4 210
|| We’re just counting the days, aren’t we?
|Nenad Krstic F/C 7’0 240
|| Feel like coming overseas yet, Nenad?
|Ron Mercer G/F 6’7 240
|| Trade Kerry Kittles, sign Ron Mercer. Fuck a fat girl, get AIDS.
|Alonzo Mourning C 6’10 261
|| I’d feel sorry for ‘Zo but this is what he gets for
messing with Jeff Van Gundy!
|Zoran Planinic G 6’7 195
|| It’s hard to imagine where the Nets would be without his
clever point guard play. I mean, they might not have hit that elusive
.200 winning percentage.
|Brian Scalabrine F 6’9 235
|| Brian Scalabrine. Matt Bonner. One night only!
|Alex Scales G 6’4 185
|| I think I could make it onto the Nets at this point. And I bet
this guy didn’t. But a guy named Zoran did so go figure.
|Jabari Smith C 6’11 240
|| He’ll just end up on the Kings roster again, why is he bothering?
Smith is like that lost puppy that you fed one time while you were
in the park and it found out where you live so it just keeps coming
back and whining at your front door. Then you give your good friend
Qyntel Woods a call and it gets taken care of.
|Jacque Vaughn G 6’1 190
|| I don’t ever want to see this guy play basketball ever again.
HOW CAN YOU BE IN THE NBA AND NOT BE ABLE TO MAKE A SINGLE JUMP SHOT?
God damnit he’s fucking horrible.
|Aaron Williams F/C 6’9 240
|| Undersized on talent, height or skill? Maybe all three? The Nets
have a roster spot waiting for you! Don't expect a lot of money from
the Nets unless you're a role player!
|Eric Williams G/F 6’8 220
|| Eerily looks similar to 50 Cent. Only when Eric takes 9 shots he
ends up on waivers and not in the hospital
|Shandon Anderson G/F 6’6 210
||MAKE WAY FOR EDDIE ROBINSON!
|Trevor Ariza F 6’7 194
|| Isiah will draft, trade for and/or sign anyone that can dunk I
|Vin Baker F 6’11 250
|| There should be a Captain Morgan ad where that pirate draws a black
mustache on Vin as he’s getting his contract bought out by the
|Mengke Bateer C 6’11 310
|| You look woefully out of place, Mengke. You'll make a quick friend
out of Vin if you bring back some cool koozies from China
|Jamison Brewer G 6’4 184
|| Jamison must be hanging out with Moochie Norris a lot since he
figured out the best way to getting an undeserved contract is to grow
your hair out into an afro and have Bill Simmons orgasm over you in
|Jamal Crawford G 6’5 190
|| Throw money at a legitimate center or acquire a backup combo guard.
Which one should we do? Oh fuck it, Jamal Crawford scored 50 points
in a game once!
|Anferneee Hardaway G 6’7 215
|| He’s still an elite player in this league and he won’t
let you forget that. Just a reminder to Phoenix and Orlando: his contract
is up soon!
|Allan Houston G 6’6 205
|| This kind of shocked me but I guess you need two legs to look old
and shoot 3’s all year long. At least this is the excuse Allan
|Stephon Marbury G 6’2 205
|| Do you think Walt Frazier has scars on his wrists from having to
watch this guy manage his former team? I know the ones I got from
watching him in Athens are quite visible
|Nazr Mohammed C 6’10 250
|| When I watch Nazr it reminds me that if I were close to 7 feet
tall then I could play in the NBA. There is no fucking doubt in my
|Tracy Murray F 6’7 230
|| Just give him back to Houston. They love him for some reason and
you guys wouldn’t even know what to do with him.
|Moochie Norris G 602 188
|| Why in the fuck is this guy on the Kni….. oh, look at that
|Bruno Sundov C 7’2 246
|| Don’t give him away! Look at how Indiana gave Brezec up for
|Mike Sweetney F 6’8 275
|| A bit heavy but he actually looks pretty good. It’s too bad
that he can’t dunk from the free throw line or else he might
actually get good minutes with the Knicks this year.
|Kurt Thomas 6’9 235
|| All he does is play good low-post defense and get about 9 boards
a game for you. Naturally, the Knicks are trying to trade him to make
more room for….
|Tim Thomas F 6’10 240
|| The model of consistency. The only thing that’s actually
consistent about him is that horrible razor burn he has every time
I watch him.
|Jerome Williams F 6’9 230
|| There’s no room for hustle or defense in New York, Jerome.
Sorry but you just don’t fit into Isiah’s plans. Please
take their $50 million contract and be on your way
|Kedrick Brown G/F 6’7 222
||He’s still going to have that breakout year any
|Samuel Dalembert F/C 6’11 250
|| Did anyone honestly think that this guy was for real? How many
of you 15-year-old fantasy geeks took him in the first round of your
little pretend-world draft? At least he's giving Rick Kamla something
to talk about on that awful NBA fantasy show he has going EVERY FUCKING
|Josh Davis F 6’8 235
||Oh hey, another white small forward in Philadelphia!
|Willie Green G 6’4 200
|| Iverson and Willie Green in the same backcourt must be a thing
of beauty. The only reason you’d need 3 other players out there
with these 2 guys is to collect those backwards reverse layup attempts
that hit the bottom of the rim
|Kirk Haston F 6’9 242
|| Hoop Dreams: The Remake. Starring Kirk Haston.
|Andre Iguodala G/F 6’6 207
|| You can get away with having no real basketball skills besides
raw talent when you are a a tall center or power forward. Not so much
when you’re a shooting guard. It’s a good thing you won’t
be shooting a whole lot on this team
|Allen Iverson G 6’0 165
|| Why didn’t the media treat us to the annual Allen Iverson
trade rumors this summer? Did we do something wrong this year? I want
to hear more Iverson trade rumors and only Sam Smith is a big enough
retard to give them to me!
|Marc Jackson F/C 6’10 253
|| Sixers fans, is it hard to cheer for a guy who never stops complaining
and always looks like he’s about to cry? Well, what if I told
you he’s making about $30 million off of you?
|Kyle Korver F 6’7 210
|| The only place that a one-dimensional 3-point shooter could actually
start and play big minutes would have to be on a Jim O’Brien
|Aaron McKie G/F 6’5 209
|| Most consistent shooter on the team gets a $49 million contract
and then gets 50 new nagging injuries every year. How convenient!
|Kevin Ollie G 602 195
|| Have you handed your journeyman 4th string point guard $18 million
|Glenn Robinson F 6’7 240
|| More teams need to just bench their players when they’re
being complete assholes like Philly and Toronto are doing. The funny
part is how New Orleans can’t wait to get their hands on Robinson.
|John Salmons G/F 6’7 210
|| Did you know he can play 32 different positions?
|Brian Skinner F/C 6’9 265
|| Philly loved Skinner so much that they decided to bring him back
for $5 million a year. Did you kill yourself yet, Sixer fan?
|Kenny Thomas F 6’7 245
|| Kenny wants to get involved more in the offense. Read that again
if you need to.
|Corliss Williamson F 6’7 245
|| The Sixers willingly traded for Corliss. That’s fine. Who
needs cap space anyway? Or wins, for that matter?
|Rafer Alston G 6’2 177
||Are you in need of some quick cash? Sign up for a backup point guard
job with the Miami Heat. Join Alston and, inevitably, Damon Jones
but you should probably hire a better agent than the one Anthony Carter
|Rafael Araujo C 6’11 290
|| I have a good idea for a drinking game when you watch the summer
league: Take a shot every time Araujo fouls someone. You’ll
leave the bar drunk and penniless.
|Robert Archibald F/C 6’11 250
|| Ugh god, why is he still around?
|Matt Bonner F 6’10 240
|| Hey fantasy faggots, this guy is taking minutes away from your
idol Donyell Marshall.
|Chris Bosh F/C 6’10 228
|| He should donate an inch or two of his neck to Elton Brand
|Vince Carter G/F 6’6 220
|| Vince vows never dunk again in Toronto. Tracy McGrady is working
on never going to the playoffs again. Failure must be hereditary!
|Ousmane Cisse F 6’9 250
|| Can we just combine him and Olumide Oyediji into one terrible basketball
player and have Dallas sign him?
|Donyell Marshall F 6’9 230
|| Mr. Fantasy Beast himself can’t even secure a starting spot
that just spent it’s lottery draft pick on a guy who fouls more
than Andrew DeClercq. Can’t you just give him back to Utah?
|Roger Mason G 6’5 200
|| Remember that little 3-game run he had last year when everyone
thought he was going to become the scorer everyone thought he would
be? Yeah, 3 god damn games.
|Jerome Moiso F 6’10 240
|| Toronto should trade for Austin Croshere so he and Jerome can sit
in the locker room and talk about how one playoff game propelled them
up 25 tax brackets
|Lamond Murray F 6’7 235
|| No, I have no idea why you’re languishing on the bench, Lamond!
Can you get Matt Bonner a towel?
|Milt Palacio G 6’3 215
|| Toronto fans, how does it feel to know that this guy plays important
minutes for your team? Did you step in dog shit too?
|Morris Peterson G/F 6’7 220
|| Can we stop calling him MoPete? When BoPeep can beat you one-on-one
then you shouldn’t even deserve a nickname
|Norm Richardson G 6’5 190
|| I wish my dad was a basketball coach. But I’d prefer that
he was an employed basketball coach that didn’t insult his entire
|Jalen Rose G 6’8 217
|| WHY WON’T ANYONE LET JALEN PLAY POINT GUARD???
|Pape Sow F 6’10 250
||Pape what? Excuse me?
|Alvin Williams G 6’5 195
|| Another year and another knee injury. Maybe you and Vince Carter
should stop throwing bricks at each other’s knees?
|Loren Woods C 7’1 255
|| There’s no way he’s 255lbs. And there’s no fucking
way he’s going to hold a starting spot in the NBA that much