The Worst Time of Year: Atlantic Division

By: Emilio Escobar



Tony Allen G 6’4 213 Did you know that he was the steal of the draft? And so was Delonte West. And Al Jefferson is ready for the NBA! Boston fans are the retarded children of sports
Marcus Banks G 6’2 200 I don’t know why everyone is so down on him. Clearly, if you can read NBA stats, you will see that he leads the NBA in steals per 48 minutes in the 4th quarter of meaningless road games!
Mark Blount C 7’0 250 I just got done playing basketball outside and I absolutely dominated the post when I was playing against some middle-school kids. I’m patiently awaiting my contract offer from Boston.
Ernest Brown F 7’0 244 Ernest is a good name for a center. It’s right up there with Kyle, Percy, Pervis and Cookie. Oh wait, he’s a forward. I’m just going to say that Doc Rivers is a terrible coach instead then
Ricky Davis G/F 6’7 195 All-Star Saturday should include nothing but Ricky Davis dunking on white guys. One by one make them all stand a foot or two in front of the basket and let Ricky dunk on them and then scream “OHHHH SHIT” at the camera with his eyes bugging out
Tom Gugliotta F 6’10 250 My favorite part of the season has been Doc Rivers showing that he never changes. In Orlando he couldn’t resist giving Pat Garrity way too much playing time and now he’s doing the same with Googs. Rivers loves his white power forwards!
Al Jefferson F 6’10 265 Look at that NBA body! And those NBA arms! Oh, it’s another NBA miss =(
Raef LaFrentz F/C 6’11 240 Don’t judge Raef by the 3’s he misses. Rather, judge him by the awful defense and absolutely no lateral movement he displays. And then when you’re done you’ll realize that he’s your franchise center and you’ll pay him $10 million a year too
Walter McCarty F 6’10 230 I’m writing a blues album too, Walter. It’s about what it must be like to stand 6’10 and not know what the paint looks like. Has he ever posted anyone up? He used to be known as a high-flying dunker in college. What happened? Gotta save those feet for the stage!
Gary Payton G 6’4 180 Can someone just sell their championship ring to Gary so he can fucking retire? We’re not anywhere near the Michael Jordan-Washington Wizard level of embarrassment but we’re starting to get there at this point.
Kendrick Perkins F/C 6’10 280 I was worried that we wouldn’t have another Jerome James in this league!
Paul Pierce G 6’6 230 Another year of putting up Iverson-type scoring and shooting numbers. Another year that Paul secretly wishes he still had Antoine Walker. Another year he wishes that those stab wounds were a little more severe
Justin Reed F 6’8 240 I guess they missed Brandon Hunter
Michael Stewart F/C 6’10 230 Yogi stole Boston’s picnic basket! And another paycheck!
Jiri Welsch G/F 6’7 215 One way to get your starting job back is to play fucking terribly with the 2nd unit, as Jiri has displayed this season.
Delonte West G 6’4 180 He sure is looking like a steal so far, isn’t he Boston?


Travis Best G 5’11 180 Everyone’s favorite rent-a-point guard is back for another year of being a 5’11 shooting guard. I think it’s written in the NBA collective bargaining agreement somewhere that Travis Best cannot sign a contract longer than 1 year
Rodney Buford G 6’5 189 I know you Nets fans gotta be bummed that you're not competive again and won't be for another decade but Rodney Buford is a pretty nice consolation prize if you ask me!
Jason Collins C 7’0 255 How is he still a starting NBA center? Can we just change his last name to Kruschev and resubmit him into the NBA draft? We can have Chad Ford hype him up and everything
Kyle Davis C 6’10 235 Centers are intimidating. People named Kyle are not.
Christian Drejer F 6’9 225 Christian would love to stick around and get his education but he has bills to pay!
Richard Jefferson F 6’7 222 I hate Kenyon Martin just as much as anyone else (if not more) but I’d pay him before I paid a shitty swingman, wouldn’t you? Welcome to New Jersey!
Jason Kidd G 6’4 210 We’re just counting the days, aren’t we?
Nenad Krstic F/C 7’0 240 Feel like coming overseas yet, Nenad?
Ron Mercer G/F 6’7 240 Trade Kerry Kittles, sign Ron Mercer. Fuck a fat girl, get AIDS.
Alonzo Mourning C 6’10 261 I’d feel sorry for ‘Zo but this is what he gets for messing with Jeff Van Gundy!
Zoran Planinic G 6’7 195 It’s hard to imagine where the Nets would be without his clever point guard play. I mean, they might not have hit that elusive .200 winning percentage.
Brian Scalabrine F 6’9 235 Brian Scalabrine. Matt Bonner. One night only!
Alex Scales G 6’4 185 I think I could make it onto the Nets at this point. And I bet this guy didn’t. But a guy named Zoran did so go figure.
Jabari Smith C 6’11 240 He’ll just end up on the Kings roster again, why is he bothering? Smith is like that lost puppy that you fed one time while you were in the park and it found out where you live so it just keeps coming back and whining at your front door. Then you give your good friend Qyntel Woods a call and it gets taken care of.
Jacque Vaughn G 6’1 190 I don’t ever want to see this guy play basketball ever again. HOW CAN YOU BE IN THE NBA AND NOT BE ABLE TO MAKE A SINGLE JUMP SHOT? God damnit he’s fucking horrible.
Aaron Williams F/C 6’9 240 Undersized on talent, height or skill? Maybe all three? The Nets have a roster spot waiting for you! Don't expect a lot of money from the Nets unless you're a role player!
Eric Williams G/F 6’8 220 Eerily looks similar to 50 Cent. Only when Eric takes 9 shots he ends up on waivers and not in the hospital


Shandon Anderson G/F 6’6 210 MAKE WAY FOR EDDIE ROBINSON!
Trevor Ariza F 6’7 194 Isiah will draft, trade for and/or sign anyone that can dunk I guess.
Vin Baker F 6’11 250 There should be a Captain Morgan ad where that pirate draws a black mustache on Vin as he’s getting his contract bought out by the Celtics
Mengke Bateer C 6’11 310 You look woefully out of place, Mengke. You'll make a quick friend out of Vin if you bring back some cool koozies from China
Jamison Brewer G 6’4 184 Jamison must be hanging out with Moochie Norris a lot since he figured out the best way to getting an undeserved contract is to grow your hair out into an afro and have Bill Simmons orgasm over you in text form
Jamal Crawford G 6’5 190 Throw money at a legitimate center or acquire a backup combo guard. Which one should we do? Oh fuck it, Jamal Crawford scored 50 points in a game once!
Anferneee Hardaway G 6’7 215 He’s still an elite player in this league and he won’t let you forget that. Just a reminder to Phoenix and Orlando: his contract is up soon!
Allan Houston G 6’6 205 This kind of shocked me but I guess you need two legs to look old and shoot 3’s all year long. At least this is the excuse Allan is using.
Stephon Marbury G 6’2 205 Do you think Walt Frazier has scars on his wrists from having to watch this guy manage his former team? I know the ones I got from watching him in Athens are quite visible
Nazr Mohammed C 6’10 250 When I watch Nazr it reminds me that if I were close to 7 feet tall then I could play in the NBA. There is no fucking doubt in my mind.
Tracy Murray F 6’7 230 Just give him back to Houston. They love him for some reason and you guys wouldn’t even know what to do with him.
Moochie Norris G 602 188 Why in the fuck is this guy on the Kni….. oh, look at that contract!
Bruno Sundov C 7’2 246 Don’t give him away! Look at how Indiana gave Brezec up for nothing!
Mike Sweetney F 6’8 275 A bit heavy but he actually looks pretty good. It’s too bad that he can’t dunk from the free throw line or else he might actually get good minutes with the Knicks this year.
Kurt Thomas 6’9 235 All he does is play good low-post defense and get about 9 boards a game for you. Naturally, the Knicks are trying to trade him to make more room for….
Tim Thomas F 6’10 240 The model of consistency. The only thing that’s actually consistent about him is that horrible razor burn he has every time I watch him.
Jerome Williams F 6’9 230 There’s no room for hustle or defense in New York, Jerome. Sorry but you just don’t fit into Isiah’s plans. Please take their $50 million contract and be on your way


Kedrick Brown G/F 6’7 222 He’s still going to have that breakout year any time now
Samuel Dalembert F/C 6’11 250 Did anyone honestly think that this guy was for real? How many of you 15-year-old fantasy geeks took him in the first round of your little pretend-world draft? At least he's giving Rick Kamla something to talk about on that awful NBA fantasy show he has going EVERY FUCKING DAY.
Josh Davis F 6’8 235 Oh hey, another white small forward in Philadelphia!
Willie Green G 6’4 200 Iverson and Willie Green in the same backcourt must be a thing of beauty. The only reason you’d need 3 other players out there with these 2 guys is to collect those backwards reverse layup attempts that hit the bottom of the rim
Kirk Haston F 6’9 242 Hoop Dreams: The Remake. Starring Kirk Haston.
Andre Iguodala G/F 6’6 207 You can get away with having no real basketball skills besides raw talent when you are a a tall center or power forward. Not so much when you’re a shooting guard. It’s a good thing you won’t be shooting a whole lot on this team
Allen Iverson G 6’0 165 Why didn’t the media treat us to the annual Allen Iverson trade rumors this summer? Did we do something wrong this year? I want to hear more Iverson trade rumors and only Sam Smith is a big enough retard to give them to me!
Marc Jackson F/C 6’10 253 Sixers fans, is it hard to cheer for a guy who never stops complaining and always looks like he’s about to cry? Well, what if I told you he’s making about $30 million off of you?
Kyle Korver F 6’7 210 The only place that a one-dimensional 3-point shooter could actually start and play big minutes would have to be on a Jim O’Brien team
Aaron McKie G/F 6’5 209 Most consistent shooter on the team gets a $49 million contract and then gets 50 new nagging injuries every year. How convenient!
Kevin Ollie G 602 195 Have you handed your journeyman 4th string point guard $18 million today?
Glenn Robinson F 6’7 240 More teams need to just bench their players when they’re being complete assholes like Philly and Toronto are doing. The funny part is how New Orleans can’t wait to get their hands on Robinson.
John Salmons G/F 6’7 210 Did you know he can play 32 different positions?
Brian Skinner F/C 6’9 265 Philly loved Skinner so much that they decided to bring him back for $5 million a year. Did you kill yourself yet, Sixer fan?
Kenny Thomas F 6’7 245 Kenny wants to get involved more in the offense. Read that again if you need to.
Corliss Williamson F 6’7 245 The Sixers willingly traded for Corliss. That’s fine. Who needs cap space anyway? Or wins, for that matter?


Rafer Alston G 6’2 177 Are you in need of some quick cash? Sign up for a backup point guard job with the Miami Heat. Join Alston and, inevitably, Damon Jones but you should probably hire a better agent than the one Anthony Carter signed
Rafael Araujo C 6’11 290 I have a good idea for a drinking game when you watch the summer league: Take a shot every time Araujo fouls someone. You’ll leave the bar drunk and penniless.
Robert Archibald F/C 6’11 250 Ugh god, why is he still around?
Matt Bonner F 6’10 240 Hey fantasy faggots, this guy is taking minutes away from your idol Donyell Marshall.
Chris Bosh F/C 6’10 228 He should donate an inch or two of his neck to Elton Brand
Vince Carter G/F 6’6 220 Vince vows never dunk again in Toronto. Tracy McGrady is working on never going to the playoffs again. Failure must be hereditary!
Ousmane Cisse F 6’9 250 Can we just combine him and Olumide Oyediji into one terrible basketball player and have Dallas sign him?
Donyell Marshall F 6’9 230 Mr. Fantasy Beast himself can’t even secure a starting spot that just spent it’s lottery draft pick on a guy who fouls more than Andrew DeClercq. Can’t you just give him back to Utah?
Roger Mason G 6’5 200 Remember that little 3-game run he had last year when everyone thought he was going to become the scorer everyone thought he would be? Yeah, 3 god damn games.
Jerome Moiso F 6’10 240 Toronto should trade for Austin Croshere so he and Jerome can sit in the locker room and talk about how one playoff game propelled them up 25 tax brackets
Lamond Murray F 6’7 235 No, I have no idea why you’re languishing on the bench, Lamond! Can you get Matt Bonner a towel?
Milt Palacio G 6’3 215 Toronto fans, how does it feel to know that this guy plays important minutes for your team? Did you step in dog shit too?
Morris Peterson G/F 6’7 220 Can we stop calling him MoPete? When BoPeep can beat you one-on-one then you shouldn’t even deserve a nickname
Norm Richardson G 6’5 190 I wish my dad was a basketball coach. But I’d prefer that he was an employed basketball coach that didn’t insult his entire fan base
Pape Sow F 6’10 250 Pape what? Excuse me?
Alvin Williams G 6’5 195 Another year and another knee injury. Maybe you and Vince Carter should stop throwing bricks at each other’s knees?
Loren Woods C 7’1 255 There’s no way he’s 255lbs. And there’s no fucking way he’s going to hold a starting spot in the NBA that much longer.