The Worst Time of the Year: Central
By: Emilio Escobar
Couldn't get enough of my extensive Atlantic Division analysis?
Well you're in luck because I have also scouted the entire Central Division
as well! This is exclusive inside information that had to be obtained
by doing the unthinkable. I'm not proud of it but an insider does what
he has to do.
|Shareef Abdur-Rahim 6'9 240 F
||America's lovable loser! He's the NBA's George Costanza.
|Terrell Brandon 5'11 173 G
||People are paying him not to play basketball and hoping
he stays injured. Think about that.
|Tierre Brown 6'2 189 G
||Don't worry about coming back too soon, Terrell. We
have Tierre Brown. What?
|Chris Crawford 6'9 235 F
||The Big ACL Tear strikes fear into opposing players
infinitely more talented than Chris.
|Boris Diaw 6'8 203 G/F
||Pharrell's twin is supposed to be a good defender who
can't shoot outside of 10 feet. Sounds like a player to me!
|Dan Dickau 6'0 190 G
||Word has it he'll be hitting puberty soon
|Obinna Ekezie 6'9 270 F
||Better luck next year, guys.
|Dion Glover 6'5 228 G/F
||Did you know he actually came out of college after his
freshman year? "Woops"
|Travis Hansen 6'6 210 G
||He looks like one of the Partridge kids.
|Alan Henderson 6'9 240 F/C
||Still living up to that fat contract
|Stephen Jackson 6'8 220 G/F
||Turned down millions of dollars from the Spurs to seek
more money elsewhere. He didn't get it and it has something to do
with how much he sucks.
|Nazr Mohammed 6'10 250 F/C
||Is there a more uncoordinated center this side of Shawn
|Lee Nailon 6'9 238 F
||Remember how bad the Knicks wanted him last year and
then they just sat him on the bench most of the year?
|Smush Parker 6'4 190 G
||If you can't make it on the Cavs, where are you going
to make it?
|Theo Ratliff 6'10 230 F/C
||Just another spare part in the scrap heap.
|Jason Terry 6'2 180 G
||Yeah Jason, 6'2 shooting guards always make it in the
|Jacque Vaughn 6'1 190 G
||And durable PG's who can't shoot always have a place
with one of the worst franchises of all time.
|Mario Austin 6'9 260 F
||He came out a year early for this?
|Lonny Baxter 6'8 260 F
||The Knicks may get a bad rap for having a ton of undersized
PFs but Chicago has it's share. Meet Lonny Baxter.
|Corie Blount 6'10 242 F/C
||Everyones favorite insurance policy.
|Tyson Chandler 7'1 235 F/C
||He has the hands of a fourth grader but has freakish
athleticism. Once he stops worrying about his sideburns so much he
might make a real impact.
|Jamal Crawford 6'5 190 G
||Now that he cut the brake lines to Jay Williams' motorcycle,
Jamal will have a very productive NBA career.
|Eddy Curry 6'11 285 F/C
||He's like Shaq but with talent.
|Marcus Fizer 6'8 260 F
||Undersized PF #3 on the Bulls roster. Unlike the other
Bulls PFs, this one is underachieving.
|Kendall Gill 6'5 216 G
||He fights off non-guaranteed contracts and osteoporosis.
|Trenton Hassell 6'5 200 G
|Kirk Hinrich 6'3 190 G
||This guy looks like a huge draft bust already. Rex Walters
|Donyell Marshall 6'9 230 F
||Probably the most valuable member of the Bulls last
season and now he probably won't even be given a chance to start.
Poor Ludacris, err Donyell.
|Roger Mason 6'5 200 G
||Missed all of last season with injury. He probably should've
|Scottie Pippen 6'8 228 G/F
||If I could picture cavities as little people attacking
my teeth, I'd picture all of them looking like Scottie Pippen.
|Eddie Robinson 6'9 210 F
||Remember when some idiots thought he was the next Tracy
McGrady. Well, now you know why he wasn't drafted, don't you?
|Jalen Rose 6'8 217 G/F
||STOP SHOOTING, JALEN. STOP IT!
|Tommy Smith 6'10 215 F
||Are you here for the audition?
|Jay Williams 6'2 195 G
||<insert motorcycle joke here>
|Carlos Boozer 6'9 258 F/C
||The only player on the Cavs that gets the most out of
his ability and shuts his mouth. Now if he didn't look like such a
|J.R. Bremer 6'2 185 G
||Thank you Boston Celtics for making everyone think this
guy can actually play. He might even fool Cavs fans too.
|Chris Carr 6'6 220 G
||All offense, no defense. I think he's Tony Dumas' cousin.
|Ricky Davis 6'7 195 G/F
||He's fun to watch when you're not a Cavs fan.
|DeSagana Diop 7'0 300 C
||If you left him alone in a gym for 3 hours he'd be in
a cold sweat and will have probably lost the basketball. That's how
bad he is.
|Zydrunas Ilgauskas 7'3 260 C
||Mr. Bean stayed healthy and the Cavs still lost all
those games. Why not trade him?
|LeBron James 6'8 240 G/F
||If Jesus played basketball
He'd slap the shit
out of this guy and tell him to go to college.
|Jason Kapono 6'8 213 F
||Jason, meet Pat Garrity.
|Tito Maddox 6'4 190 G
||I'm hoping he can beat out Kevin Ollie for a point guard
spot. If he can't, he should seriously commit suicide.
|Jelani McCoy 6'10 255 C
||Being a backup for Shaq is a pretty comfortable gig.
Why would you ever leave it to play for Toronto and then Cleveland?
|Chris Mihm 7'0 265 F/C
||He's about as bad as they get. Are the Cavs collecting
stiff 7 footers who enjoy surgery as a hobby?
|Darius Miles 6'9 210 G/F
||A point guard now, eh? This should be funny.
|Ira Newble 6'7 220 G
||Only the Cavs would give you
|Kevin Ollie 6'2 195 G
||And you such a huge contract.
|Michael Stewart 6'10 230 C
||Yogi Yogi Yogi! He steals more picnic baskets than he
scores points apparently.
|Bruno Sundov 7'2 246 C
||How does he keep ending up on someone's roster?
|Dajuan Wagner 6'2 200 G
||I may not have scored 100 points in a playoff game like
this guy but my bladder functions properly and I don't have degenerate
|Chucky Atkins 5'11 160 G
||Chucky captured the hearts of America by looking like
he belonged in Run DMC and continuing his torrid pace of nasty FG%'s.
|Chauncey Billups 6'3 202 G
||This guy was an absolute bargain for Detroit and really
came up big for them. He still isn't a point guard though.
|Elden Campbell 7'0 279 F/C
||Note to Detroit: Nobody ages faster than a 7-footer.
Did you watch Elden last year?
|Hubert Davis 6'5 183 G
||Can you say 'buyout'?
|Carlos Delfino 6'6 230 G/F
||When the Pistons have no clue, they just draft a foreigner.
"Experts" say it's a great pick based upon grainy footage
and now you have yourself a marginal second-round talent transformed
into a first-round pick.
|Chris Garner 5'10 160 G
||Don't you wish Detroit would quit taking ex-Raptors?
|Andreas Glyniadakis 7'1 280 C
||What the fuck?
|Rod Grizzard 6'8 200 G
||I guess you left Bama a little too early, huh Rod?
|A.J. Guyton 6'2 188 G
||Why do people keep signing him?
|Darvin Ham 6'7 230 F
||Larry Brown says he's his new George Lynch. I think
that means he is Larry's new marginally talented forward that plays
too many minutes for no reason.
|Richard Hamilton 6'7 193 G/F
||The best midrange shooter in the game. My fingers have
more meat on them than this guy has on his entire body though.
|Tang Hamilton 6'8 220 F
|Lindsey Hunter 6'2 195 G
||Is it just me or does this guy play like he's 50 years
|Darko Milicic 7'0 245 F
||If all goes well he will be the premier big man in the
league in a few years. But right now he's too busy watching porn in
his hotel rooms.
|Mehmet Okur 6'11 249 F/C
||He looks like a 7 foot insurance salesman. Plays like
|Tayshaun Prince 6'9 215 F
||When he shoots it looks like he's trying to jerk a guy
|Zeljko Rebraca 7'0 257 C
||The Big Heart Murmur is back for another crack at almost
|Bob Sura 6'5 200 G
||America's favorite white combo guard! If Droopy The
Dog were an actual human, he'd look like Bob Sura.
|Ben Wallace 6'9 240 F/C
||Larry Brown wants to get Ben more involved in the offense.
|Corliss Williamson 6'7 245 F
||Note to the NBA: He can't shoot so lay off him a little
bit, OK? There, that's his entire scouting report. Why am I not a
|Kenny Anderson 6'1 168 G
||He doesn't do anything well anymore but he continues
to have a job playing point guard. Didn't he stop playing around 1996?
|Ron Artest 6'7 247 G/F
||Seriously, who is more dangerous: Kobe or Artest? At
least Kobe only beats up one part of your body.
|Jonathan Bender 7'0 219 F
||A 7-footer that plays like a guard. Yeah, that works.
Indiana just might sign a 5-foot center now.
|Jamison Brewer 6'4 184 G
||The team continues to say they think very highly of
him and then continue to not give him any minutes. Oh, OK guys.
|Primoz Brezec 7'1 252 F
||Indiana is the only team in the league with 2 7-foot
|Omar Cook 6'1 190 G
||He's sucking Dick Vitale's dick for crack nowadays.
Stay in school, kids.
|Austin Croshere 6'10 242 F
||Why does he look so angry in every picture? You're getting
paid $51 million to sit on the bench, Austin. Be happy!
|Carl English 6'5 205 G
||Go home, Carl.
|Jeff Foster 6'11 242 F/C
||His gigantic Adam's apple continues to rebound at a
|Al Harrington 6'9 250 F
||Which type of knee injury will he have this year?
|James Head 6'7 230 F
||This ones way too easy.
|Anthony Johnson 6'3 190 G
||Is it written in the rules somewhere that he cannot
stay on the same team for an entire calendar year?
|Fred Jones 6'4 210 G/F
||I'm still in awe of watching him being selected as a
first-round draft choice. And on top of that, he was a high pick.
Wow, I gotta get my ass on the court.
|James Jones 6'8 215 F
||It's good to see Henry James get another shot at an
|Reggie Miller 6'7 195 G
||The Troll is still kicking and screaming his way to
leading the underachieving Pacers to first-round exits. All is right
in the world.
|Jermaine O'Neal 6'11 242 F/C
||The only guy who didn't give up last year in the playoffs.
No Brad Miller = good fantasy pick
if you're into that faggoty
|Scot Pollard 6'11 265 F/C
||This no-talent hack continues to collect a paycheck
for his stupid facial hairstyles. Then, once he plays a game in the
playoffs, he gets scared and gives up.
|Mike Smith 6'8 195 F
||I've never seen this guy but 6'8 and 195lbs? Hey Mike,
meet my good friend Karen Carpenter.
|Jamaal Tinsley 6'3 195 G
||It would be in Chubby Cheeks' best interest to learn
how to hold onto the ball for more than 10 seconds without turning
it over. It looks like he's storing turnovers for the winter in his
|Jason Caffey 6'8 260 F
||I looked up Jason Caffey in Webster's dictionary and
it said "buyout imminent".
|T.J. Ford 5'10 165 G
||You may be quick as fuck and you might play like Tiny
but you still can't shoot Shorty McShort.
|Dan Gadzuric 6'11 240 C
||He runs like a giant goose. If you run like a giant
goose, you shouldn't be playing basketball. I mean, come on.
|Lynn Greer 6'2 175 G
||Why hasn't he made a roster yet? If fucking Eddie House
can play, why can't he?
|Marcus Haislip 6'10 230 F
||He's the poster child for everything that's wrong with
the NBA Draft. Teams completely ignored that he's an underachieving
loser who sits on the perimeter, yet he's the team's PF of the future!
|Damon Jones 6'3 185 G
||Become a point guard and try again.
|Toni Kukoc 6'11 235 F
||"The Waiter" had the worst nickname in the
history of professional sports. Notice how nobody calls him that anymore?
It's to save his dignity.
|Anthony Mason 6'8 265 F
||See: Jason Caffey.
|Desmond Mason 6'5 222 G/F
||For being 6'5 he gets a lot of rebounds but I know junior
high JV players that have a better jump shot.
|Antonio Meeking 6'8 245 G
||Meek-a-boo, you're cut!
|Joel Przybilla 7'1 255 C
||So anyway, as I was saying
|Michael Redd 6'6 215 G
||Thank god SOMEBODY on this team can score.
|Daniel Santiago 7'1 256 C
||When you have two uncoordinated dorks masquerading as
centers, you give another one a call so you get 6 more fouls to use.
|Brian Skinner 6'9 265 F/C
||This guy will end up being their starter at center by
the end of the year. That's sad.
|Joe Smith 6'10 225 F
||At least Len Bias had an excuse for being a draft bust,
|Erick Strickland 6'3 210 G
||This guy ends up starting (or outplaying) over everyone's
point guard by the end of the season. Watch out T.J.
|Szymon Szewczyk 6'10 242 F
|Tim Thomas 6'10 230 F
||This guy is Webster's definition of unfulfilled potential.
If only Golden State could get ahold of him and then trade him, then
he'd be an all-star.
|Courtney Alexander 6'6 205 G
||Teams keep giving him chances, he keeps spitting in
their faces. Take a seat on the bench, Courtney.
|Darrell Armstrong 6'1 180 G
||He needs to be on a Popeye's Chicken billboard someday.
Just for the hell of it.
|Stacey Augmon 6'8 213 G/F
||The Plastic Man's career is going into a plastic coffin
|P.J. Brown 6'11 239 F
||Everyone thought he would only get the MLE this past
summer and then Hornets management gives him $34 million when they
refused to pay Larry Johnson and Alonzo Mourning in the past. What
|Baron Davis 6'3 223 G
||How long before his knee and/or back goes out? Two months?
|Bryce Drew 6'3 184 G
||The Bryce Man Cometh
to a USBL town near you!
|Kirk Haston 6'9 242 F
||The Hornets are still waiting for him to show up. Reportedly
they drafted Kirk two years ago but nobody's really sure.
|James Lang 6'10 305 C
||There's only room for one piece of shit undersized fat
center on this team, mister!
|George Lynch 6'8 235 G/F
||His odometer rolled over long ago. Just cut him already.
|Jamaal Magloire 6'11 259 C
||He keeps developing on a scary front line but he still
plays like an idiot at times.
|Jamal Mashburn 6'8 247 F
||The most underrated player in the east. He should also
have a disease named after him after that playoff disaster two years
|Sean Rooks 6'10 260 C
||Career backup center. I hear it's a nice career.
|Paul Shirley 6'10 230 F
||Oh get the fuck out of here.
|Robert Traylor 6'8 284 F/C
||Your favorite 6'8 300lb center is back and he can taste
blood. Turns out it's steak blood.
|David Wesley 6'1 203 G
||A deadly shooter who must have the biggest ears I've
ever seen in my entire life.
|David West 6'9 240 F
||He has a chance to be a decent player in the league.
Xavier should change it's name to Power Forward University.
|Mengke Bateer 6'11 290 C
||A gigantic chinese robot sent back in time to destroy
your precious roster space.
|Matt Bonner 6'10 240 F
||Matt Bonner, meet my good friend Matt Bullard.
|Chris Bosh 6'10 210 F
||Chris Bosh, meet my other good friend Sam Perkins.
|Michael Bradley 6'10 230 F
||Don't you wish Toronto would play their young players
that actually had talent instead of garbage like Antonio Davis?
|Rick Brunson 6'4 190 G
||And don't you wish they'd stop signing players like
|Vince Carter 6'6 225 G/F
||What are you so scared of, Vince? Drive the lane. Come
on boy, you can do it. God damnit, what did you do to your knee now,
|Michael Curry 6'5 210 G/F
||There are intramural teams that wouldn't take this guy.
|Antonio Davis 6'9 230 F/C
||He looks like an actual dinosaur. A real old one, and
he plays like it too.
|Chris Jefferies 6'8 225 G/F
||He was a first-round pick? Well that's it, I'm declaring
for next year's draft.
|Ken Johnson 6'11 240 F/C
||Did Miami even play him at all the last two years? I
bet there's a reason why they didn't.
|Jerome Moiso 6'10 232 F
||He had one decent playoff game and now people say he
has so much untapped potential. He's still the same shitty player
you saw the past 3 years morons.
|Lamond Murray 6'7 235 F
||Keep firing away those 3's, Lamond. Maybe one day you
might even make one.
|Milt Palacio 6'3 195 G
||How do you know your starting point guard sucks? When
your team signs Milt Palacio.
|Morris Peterson 6'7 215 G/F
||Mo-Pete has to be the most annoying nickname I can think
|Stanley Roberts 7'0 290 C
||He's back and he still claims to be better than Shaq.
It must be the miscellaneous drugs talking again.
|Remon Van de Hare 7'2 253 C
||Oh come on, give me a fucking break.
|Alvin Williams 6'5 190 G
||A 6'5 point guard who isn't very good at sharing. This
is one example of whyt eh Raptors won 24 games last year.
|George Williams 6'8 220 F
|Jerome Williams 6'9 225 F
||Apparently being a hustle player warrants a $49 million
contract. This is another example of why the Raptors won 24 games