The Worst Time of the Year: Central Division
By: Emilio Escobar

Couldn't get enough of my extensive Atlantic Division analysis? Well you're in luck because I have also scouted the entire Central Division as well! This is exclusive inside information that had to be obtained by doing the unthinkable. I'm not proud of it but an insider does what he has to do.


Shareef Abdur-Rahim 6'9 240 F America's lovable loser! He's the NBA's George Costanza.
Terrell Brandon 5'11 173 G People are paying him not to play basketball and hoping he stays injured. Think about that.
Tierre Brown 6'2 189 G Don't worry about coming back too soon, Terrell. We have Tierre Brown. What?
Chris Crawford 6'9 235 F The Big ACL Tear strikes fear into opposing players infinitely more talented than Chris.
Boris Diaw 6'8 203 G/F Pharrell's twin is supposed to be a good defender who can't shoot outside of 10 feet. Sounds like a player to me!
Dan Dickau 6'0 190 G Word has it he'll be hitting puberty soon…
Obinna Ekezie 6'9 270 F Better luck next year, guys.
Dion Glover 6'5 228 G/F Did you know he actually came out of college after his freshman year? "Woops"
Travis Hansen 6'6 210 G He looks like one of the Partridge kids.
Alan Henderson 6'9 240 F/C Still living up to that fat contract…
Stephen Jackson 6'8 220 G/F Turned down millions of dollars from the Spurs to seek more money elsewhere. He didn't get it and it has something to do with how much he sucks.
Nazr Mohammed 6'10 250 F/C Is there a more uncoordinated center this side of Shawn Bradley?
Lee Nailon 6'9 238 F Remember how bad the Knicks wanted him last year and then they just sat him on the bench most of the year?
Smush Parker 6'4 190 G If you can't make it on the Cavs, where are you going to make it?
Theo Ratliff 6'10 230 F/C Just another spare part in the scrap heap.
Jason Terry 6'2 180 G Yeah Jason, 6'2 shooting guards always make it in the league.
Jacque Vaughn 6'1 190 G And durable PG's who can't shoot always have a place with one of the worst franchises of all time.

Mario Austin 6'9 260 F He came out a year early for this?
Lonny Baxter 6'8 260 F The Knicks may get a bad rap for having a ton of undersized PFs but Chicago has it's share. Meet Lonny Baxter.
Corie Blount 6'10 242 F/C Everyones favorite insurance policy.
Tyson Chandler 7'1 235 F/C He has the hands of a fourth grader but has freakish athleticism. Once he stops worrying about his sideburns so much he might make a real impact.
Jamal Crawford 6'5 190 G Now that he cut the brake lines to Jay Williams' motorcycle, Jamal will have a very productive NBA career.
Eddy Curry 6'11 285 F/C He's like Shaq but with talent.
Marcus Fizer 6'8 260 F Undersized PF #3 on the Bulls roster. Unlike the other Bulls PFs, this one is underachieving.
Kendall Gill 6'5 216 G He fights off non-guaranteed contracts and osteoporosis.
Trenton Hassell 6'5 200 G "Offense?"
Kirk Hinrich 6'3 190 G This guy looks like a huge draft bust already. Rex Walters anyone?
Donyell Marshall 6'9 230 F Probably the most valuable member of the Bulls last season and now he probably won't even be given a chance to start. Poor Ludacris, err Donyell.
Roger Mason 6'5 200 G Missed all of last season with injury. He probably should've stayed home.
Scottie Pippen 6'8 228 G/F If I could picture cavities as little people attacking my teeth, I'd picture all of them looking like Scottie Pippen.
Eddie Robinson 6'9 210 F Remember when some idiots thought he was the next Tracy McGrady. Well, now you know why he wasn't drafted, don't you?
Tommy Smith 6'10 215 F Are you here for the audition?
Jay Williams 6'2 195 G <insert motorcycle joke here>

Carlos Boozer 6'9 258 F/C The only player on the Cavs that gets the most out of his ability and shuts his mouth. Now if he didn't look like such a goon…
J.R. Bremer 6'2 185 G Thank you Boston Celtics for making everyone think this guy can actually play. He might even fool Cavs fans too.
Chris Carr 6'6 220 G All offense, no defense. I think he's Tony Dumas' cousin.
Ricky Davis 6'7 195 G/F He's fun to watch when you're not a Cavs fan.
DeSagana Diop 7'0 300 C If you left him alone in a gym for 3 hours he'd be in a cold sweat and will have probably lost the basketball. That's how bad he is.
Zydrunas Ilgauskas 7'3 260 C Mr. Bean stayed healthy and the Cavs still lost all those games. Why not trade him?
LeBron James 6'8 240 G/F If Jesus played basketball… He'd slap the shit out of this guy and tell him to go to college.
Jason Kapono 6'8 213 F Jason, meet Pat Garrity.
Tito Maddox 6'4 190 G I'm hoping he can beat out Kevin Ollie for a point guard spot. If he can't, he should seriously commit suicide.
Jelani McCoy 6'10 255 C Being a backup for Shaq is a pretty comfortable gig. Why would you ever leave it to play for Toronto and then Cleveland?
Chris Mihm 7'0 265 F/C He's about as bad as they get. Are the Cavs collecting stiff 7 footers who enjoy surgery as a hobby?
Darius Miles 6'9 210 G/F A point guard now, eh? This should be funny.
Ira Newble 6'7 220 G Only the Cavs would give you…
Kevin Ollie 6'2 195 G And you such a huge contract.
Michael Stewart 6'10 230 C Yogi Yogi Yogi! He steals more picnic baskets than he scores points apparently.
Bruno Sundov 7'2 246 C How does he keep ending up on someone's roster?
Dajuan Wagner 6'2 200 G I may not have scored 100 points in a playoff game like this guy but my bladder functions properly and I don't have degenerate knee ligaments.


Chucky Atkins 5'11 160 G Chucky captured the hearts of America by looking like he belonged in Run DMC and continuing his torrid pace of nasty FG%'s.
Chauncey Billups 6'3 202 G This guy was an absolute bargain for Detroit and really came up big for them. He still isn't a point guard though.
Elden Campbell 7'0 279 F/C Note to Detroit: Nobody ages faster than a 7-footer. Did you watch Elden last year?
Hubert Davis 6'5 183 G Can you say 'buyout'?
Carlos Delfino 6'6 230 G/F When the Pistons have no clue, they just draft a foreigner. "Experts" say it's a great pick based upon grainy footage and now you have yourself a marginal second-round talent transformed into a first-round pick.
Chris Garner 5'10 160 G Don't you wish Detroit would quit taking ex-Raptors?
Andreas Glyniadakis 7'1 280 C What the fuck?
Rod Grizzard 6'8 200 G I guess you left Bama a little too early, huh Rod?
A.J. Guyton 6'2 188 G Why do people keep signing him?
Darvin Ham 6'7 230 F Larry Brown says he's his new George Lynch. I think that means he is Larry's new marginally talented forward that plays too many minutes for no reason.
Richard Hamilton 6'7 193 G/F The best midrange shooter in the game. My fingers have more meat on them than this guy has on his entire body though.
Tang Hamilton 6'8 220 F Tang?
Lindsey Hunter 6'2 195 G Is it just me or does this guy play like he's 50 years old now?
Darko Milicic 7'0 245 F If all goes well he will be the premier big man in the league in a few years. But right now he's too busy watching porn in his hotel rooms.
Mehmet Okur 6'11 249 F/C He looks like a 7 foot insurance salesman. Plays like one too.
Tayshaun Prince 6'9 215 F When he shoots it looks like he's trying to jerk a guy off.
Zeljko Rebraca 7'0 257 C The Big Heart Murmur is back for another crack at almost dying!
Bob Sura 6'5 200 G America's favorite white combo guard! If Droopy The Dog were an actual human, he'd look like Bob Sura.
Ben Wallace 6'9 240 F/C Larry Brown wants to get Ben more involved in the offense. Umm, why?
Corliss Williamson 6'7 245 F Note to the NBA: He can't shoot so lay off him a little bit, OK? There, that's his entire scouting report. Why am I not a scout?

Kenny Anderson 6'1 168 G He doesn't do anything well anymore but he continues to have a job playing point guard. Didn't he stop playing around 1996?
Ron Artest 6'7 247 G/F Seriously, who is more dangerous: Kobe or Artest? At least Kobe only beats up one part of your body.
Jonathan Bender 7'0 219 F A 7-footer that plays like a guard. Yeah, that works. Indiana just might sign a 5-foot center now.
Jamison Brewer 6'4 184 G The team continues to say they think very highly of him and then continue to not give him any minutes. Oh, OK guys.
Primoz Brezec 7'1 252 F Indiana is the only team in the league with 2 7-foot guards.
Omar Cook 6'1 190 G He's sucking Dick Vitale's dick for crack nowadays. Stay in school, kids.
Austin Croshere 6'10 242 F Why does he look so angry in every picture? You're getting paid $51 million to sit on the bench, Austin. Be happy!
Carl English 6'5 205 G Go home, Carl.
Jeff Foster 6'11 242 F/C His gigantic Adam's apple continues to rebound at a blistering rate!
Al Harrington 6'9 250 F Which type of knee injury will he have this year?
James Head 6'7 230 F This ones way too easy.
Anthony Johnson 6'3 190 G Is it written in the rules somewhere that he cannot stay on the same team for an entire calendar year?
Fred Jones 6'4 210 G/F I'm still in awe of watching him being selected as a first-round draft choice. And on top of that, he was a high pick. Wow, I gotta get my ass on the court.
James Jones 6'8 215 F It's good to see Henry James get another shot at an NBA career.
Reggie Miller 6'7 195 G The Troll is still kicking and screaming his way to leading the underachieving Pacers to first-round exits. All is right in the world.
Jermaine O'Neal 6'11 242 F/C The only guy who didn't give up last year in the playoffs. No Brad Miller = good fantasy pick…if you're into that faggoty shit.
Scot Pollard 6'11 265 F/C This no-talent hack continues to collect a paycheck for his stupid facial hairstyles. Then, once he plays a game in the playoffs, he gets scared and gives up.
Mike Smith 6'8 195 F I've never seen this guy but 6'8 and 195lbs? Hey Mike, meet my good friend Karen Carpenter.
Jamaal Tinsley 6'3 195 G It would be in Chubby Cheeks' best interest to learn how to hold onto the ball for more than 10 seconds without turning it over. It looks like he's storing turnovers for the winter in his cheeks.

Jason Caffey 6'8 260 F I looked up Jason Caffey in Webster's dictionary and it said "buyout imminent".
T.J. Ford 5'10 165 G You may be quick as fuck and you might play like Tiny but you still can't shoot Shorty McShort.
Dan Gadzuric 6'11 240 C He runs like a giant goose. If you run like a giant goose, you shouldn't be playing basketball. I mean, come on.
Lynn Greer 6'2 175 G Why hasn't he made a roster yet? If fucking Eddie House can play, why can't he?
Marcus Haislip 6'10 230 F He's the poster child for everything that's wrong with the NBA Draft. Teams completely ignored that he's an underachieving loser who sits on the perimeter, yet he's the team's PF of the future!
Damon Jones 6'3 185 G Become a point guard and try again.
Toni Kukoc 6'11 235 F "The Waiter" had the worst nickname in the history of professional sports. Notice how nobody calls him that anymore? It's to save his dignity.
Anthony Mason 6'8 265 F See: Jason Caffey.
Desmond Mason 6'5 222 G/F For being 6'5 he gets a lot of rebounds but I know junior high JV players that have a better jump shot.
Antonio Meeking 6'8 245 G Meek-a-boo, you're cut!
Joel Przybilla 7'1 255 C So anyway, as I was saying…
Michael Redd 6'6 215 G Thank god SOMEBODY on this team can score.
Daniel Santiago 7'1 256 C When you have two uncoordinated dorks masquerading as centers, you give another one a call so you get 6 more fouls to use.
Brian Skinner 6'9 265 F/C This guy will end up being their starter at center by the end of the year. That's sad.
Joe Smith 6'10 225 F At least Len Bias had an excuse for being a draft bust, Joe.
Erick Strickland 6'3 210 G This guy ends up starting (or outplaying) over everyone's point guard by the end of the season. Watch out T.J.
Szymon Szewczyk 6'10 242 F Yeah, whatever.
Tim Thomas 6'10 230 F This guy is Webster's definition of unfulfilled potential. If only Golden State could get ahold of him and then trade him, then he'd be an all-star.


Courtney Alexander 6'6 205 G Teams keep giving him chances, he keeps spitting in their faces. Take a seat on the bench, Courtney.
Darrell Armstrong 6'1 180 G He needs to be on a Popeye's Chicken billboard someday. Just for the hell of it.
Stacey Augmon 6'8 213 G/F The Plastic Man's career is going into a plastic coffin rapidly.
P.J. Brown 6'11 239 F Everyone thought he would only get the MLE this past summer and then Hornets management gives him $34 million when they refused to pay Larry Johnson and Alonzo Mourning in the past. What the fuck?
Baron Davis 6'3 223 G How long before his knee and/or back goes out? Two months?
Bryce Drew 6'3 184 G The Bryce Man Cometh…to a USBL town near you!
Kirk Haston 6'9 242 F The Hornets are still waiting for him to show up. Reportedly they drafted Kirk two years ago but nobody's really sure.
James Lang 6'10 305 C There's only room for one piece of shit undersized fat center on this team, mister!
George Lynch 6'8 235 G/F His odometer rolled over long ago. Just cut him already.
Jamaal Magloire 6'11 259 C He keeps developing on a scary front line but he still plays like an idiot at times.
Jamal Mashburn 6'8 247 F The most underrated player in the east. He should also have a disease named after him after that playoff disaster two years ago.
Sean Rooks 6'10 260 C Career backup center. I hear it's a nice career.
Paul Shirley 6'10 230 F Oh get the fuck out of here.
Robert Traylor 6'8 284 F/C Your favorite 6'8 300lb center is back and he can taste blood. Turns out it's steak blood.
David Wesley 6'1 203 G A deadly shooter who must have the biggest ears I've ever seen in my entire life.
David West 6'9 240 F He has a chance to be a decent player in the league. Xavier should change it's name to Power Forward University.

Mengke Bateer 6'11 290 C A gigantic chinese robot sent back in time to destroy your precious roster space.
Matt Bonner 6'10 240 F Matt Bonner, meet my good friend Matt Bullard.
Chris Bosh 6'10 210 F Chris Bosh, meet my other good friend Sam Perkins.
Michael Bradley 6'10 230 F Don't you wish Toronto would play their young players that actually had talent instead of garbage like Antonio Davis?
Rick Brunson 6'4 190 G And don't you wish they'd stop signing players like Rick Brunson?
Vince Carter 6'6 225 G/F What are you so scared of, Vince? Drive the lane. Come on boy, you can do it. God damnit, what did you do to your knee now, Vince?
Michael Curry 6'5 210 G/F There are intramural teams that wouldn't take this guy.
Antonio Davis 6'9 230 F/C He looks like an actual dinosaur. A real old one, and he plays like it too.
Chris Jefferies 6'8 225 G/F He was a first-round pick? Well that's it, I'm declaring for next year's draft.
Ken Johnson 6'11 240 F/C Did Miami even play him at all the last two years? I bet there's a reason why they didn't.
Jerome Moiso 6'10 232 F He had one decent playoff game and now people say he has so much untapped potential. He's still the same shitty player you saw the past 3 years morons.
Lamond Murray 6'7 235 F Keep firing away those 3's, Lamond. Maybe one day you might even make one.
Milt Palacio 6'3 195 G How do you know your starting point guard sucks? When your team signs Milt Palacio.
Morris Peterson 6'7 215 G/F Mo-Pete has to be the most annoying nickname I can think of.
Stanley Roberts 7'0 290 C He's back and he still claims to be better than Shaq. It must be the miscellaneous drugs talking again.
Remon Van de Hare 7'2 253 C Oh come on, give me a fucking break.
Alvin Williams 6'5 190 G A 6'5 point guard who isn't very good at sharing. This is one example of whyt eh Raptors won 24 games last year.
George Williams 6'8 220 F Who?
Jerome Williams 6'9 225 F Apparently being a hustle player warrants a $49 million contract. This is another example of why the Raptors won 24 games last year.