The Worst Time of the Year: Atlantic Division
By: Emilio Escobar
Today is a jam-packed article full of the most exciting topic of the
basketball season: training camp. This is the time of the year when Dennis
Rodman tries to come back and loses interest within 48 hours and when
a no-name rookie comes along and lights up the summer league and preseason
only to show you why he was a no-name in the first place later on. Today
we'll go through the Atlantic division:
|Vin Baker 6'11 250 F/C
||Lets place bets on how long it takes for him to take
a sip of alcohol and his gut just bursts out like Barney from the
Simpsons. I'm betting 25 games at the most.
|Marcus Banks 6'2 220 G
||The answer for the Celtics is, clearly, a rookie point
guard who hasn't played any real competition in college!
|Tony Battie 6'11 240 F/C
||El Busto better turn into El Producto once Vin Baker
goes through the inevitable alcohol and worthlessness withdrawals.
|Mark Blount 7'0 250 C
|Kedrick Brown 6'7 222 F
||Third consecutive year that he is going
to take Boston by storm by being their defensive stopper. This will
also be the third consecutive year that he disappoints you and makes
your children cry.
|Mateen Cleaves 6'2 205 G
||The prettiest cheerleader on the team.
|Tony Delk 6'2 189 G
||When did 2Pac sign with the Celtics?
|Eddie Elisma 6'9 213 F
||Reggie Lewis has a better shot at making this team than
|Brandon Hunter 6'7 260 F
||He's a poor man's Gary Trent. Think about how awesome
Gary Trent is for a minute and then think about this guy being a POOR
MAN'S Gary Trent. Yep.
|Mike James 6'2 188 G
||The CBA kicked him out.
|Jumaine Jones 6'8 218 F
||Third team in about 4 years now. He'll keep getting
shipped around until he figures out there's an R somewhere there in
his first name.
|Rusty LaRue 6'3 185 G
||His LaJumpshot is always pretty LaRusty and that's why
|Walter McCarty 6'10 230 F
||If you were just a shade under 7 feet tall, you'd shoot
3's all day too wouldn't you? Don't lie.
|Kedrick Perkins 6'10 285 C
||Thomas Hamilton looks better in a swimsuit than this
guy. He's also a lot better.
|Paul Pierce 6'6 230 G/F
||Stabbed, teeth knocked out, shitty FG%, what's next?
The real Truth is that he only plays 1 quarter out of 4.
|Antoine Walker 6'9 245 F
||245lbs? Yeah, on his ass.
|Eric Williams 6'8 220 F
||Can his teeth get any bigger?
|Malik Allen 6'10 255 F
||Just when you thought he was going away, Caron Butler
gets injured. It must suck to be a Heat fan
|Rafer Alston 6'2 173 G
||Skip To My Lou? He better skip to his bank account and
make sure he's saving that salary.
|Isaac Austin 6'10 270 F/C
||You gotta be fucking kidding me.
|Jerome Beasley 6'10 241 F
||North Dakota? There is no I in "team" or "fargo".
Go check out the wonderful land known as the NBDL.
|Caron Butler 6'7 217 F
||You better find out what this whole perimeter game is
|Rasual Butler 6'7 205 G/F
||Why is he still around?
|Bimbo Coles 6'2 182 G
||I thought he was taken behind a toolshed and shot long
ago. Someone actually signed this guy?
|Joe Crispin 6'0 185 G
|Brian Grant 6'8 254 F/C
||One max contract later, you suck again.
|Udonis Haslem 6'9 246 F/C
||Robert Traylor called, he said don't bother trying.
|Eddie Jones 6'6 200 G/F
||He looks about 40 years old already, doesn't he? The
missing piece, eh?
|Sean Lampley 6'7 227 F
||"But coach, I dominated in the Pac-10!"
|Lamar Odom 6'10 221 F
||Now overpaid goes along with his overrated label! Anyone
can play 4 positions, it's a matter of playing them well that matters.
|Cherokee Parks 6'11 240 F/C
||How did Alice Cooper make the team?
|Dwyane Wade 6'4 210 G
||It's a shame that the Heat are going to ruin such a
|Samaki Walker 6'9 255 F/C
||It's a shame that such a horrible player was once a
lottery pick and was signed only because he was a Laker last year.
|John Wallace 6'9 225 F
||That was a good decision staying for that senior year
in college, John. Where did you play last year? Greece? Wow, yeah,
|Loren Woods 7'1 245 F/C
||Wet toilet paper is more durable than this
|Brandon Armstrong 6'5 185 G
||How must it feel to only be around because the team
doesn't want to buy your contract out yet?
|Damone Brown 6'8 202 F
||This guys bounced around more than a chinese whore.
He'll be a 10-day contract player his entire career
|Jason Collins 7'0 260 C
||Does anyone else look more misproportioned? He has the
love handles of a midget
|Lucious Harris 6'5 205 G
||What does this guy have to do to take Kerry "Theres
a hole in my kneecap OOPS!" Kittles' starting spot? Does he have
to actually murder him or what, Byron?
|Richard Jefferson 6'7 222 F
||How must it feel to know that you're not very good but
your teammates make you look very good and you have the whole world
fooled? Maybe he needs to get Magic Johnson on the phone and ask him
what it's like when a fraud is exposed
|Jonathan Kerner 6'11 245 C
|| Jesus fucking Christ, will you ever give up?
|Jason Kidd 6'4 212 G
||This entire team sucked his dick about 40 times each
this past summer and it almost wasn't enough. Reportedly after making
Jason orgasm, Kenyon Martin screamed, pounded his chest, and then
showed Jason his tattoo.
|Kerry Kittles 6'5 190 G
||See: Richard Jefferson. At least he was actually good
in college, though.
|Kenyon Martin 6'9 230 F
||Most overrated player in the league. Do you scream vehemently
after you tie your shoes correctly, Kenyon?
|Alonzo Mourning 6'10 261 C
||Reportedly will be bought out of his contract for a
kidney and a chance to live a normal life.
|Doug Overton 6'3 190 G
||This is approximately his 65th team and his 34th tenure
with the Nets.
|Zoran Planinic 6'7 195 G
||Do the Nets even care about the draft?
|Rodney Rogers 6'7 255 F
||If you worked out a lot and were really strong, you'd
hang out on the perimeter too. Wouldn't you?
|Brian Scalabrine 6'9 240
||When did Bob Backlund get signed?
|Tamar Slay 6'8 215 G
|Aaron Williams 6'9 240 F/C
||Wow, the two lightest-skinned black men on the planet
on the same team. Hollywood couldn't come up with a better script.
|Tommy Adams 6'3 205 G
||I know this much; nobody named Tommy fucking Adams is
making the New York Knicks. Bernard King could probably still take
him off the dribble.
|Shandon Anderson 6'6 210 F
||Take a hint from your brother and just leave the league.
|Michael Doleac 6'11 262 C
||He looks like a big ugly jump-shooting robot. Does he
not understand that he's 6'11?
|Howard Eisley 6'2 180 G
||What is it with these former Utah bench players joining
the Knicks? There is a reason they were Utah bench players, right?
|Othella Harrington 6'9 235 F
||If he played like shit in Vancouver, what makes you
think he'd be any better in New York, Layden?
|Allan Houston 6'6 200 G
||I'll give you 102 million reasons why the Knicks have
no cap room for the next millennium.
|Travis Knight 7'0 235 C
||And then I'll give you 7 feet of reasons why they just
|Maciej Lampe 6'11 240 F
||Congratulations, Scottie Pippen. Someone is uglier than
|Antonio McDyess 6'9 245 F
||I think him and Grant Hill play Russian Roulette at
Penny Hardaway's place on the weekends. Either that or they just throw
hammers at each other.
|Mike Sweetney 6'8 260 F
||It looks like Roc grew hair and picked up a basketball.
|Kurt Thomas 6'9 235 F/C
||How has this guy not shot himself in the fucking temple
yet? "You want me to play center again? Do you not realize I'm
half their size? WHAT THE FUCK?"
|Keith Van Horn 6'10 255 F
|Slavko Vranes 7'4 279 C
||So what's Gheorghe Muresan doing these days?
|Charlie Ward 6'2 185 G
||Blue 42! I'm a horrible point guard! Red 19! Hut! Hut!
|Clarence Weatherspoon 6'7 270 F
||The futility of the New York Knicks has actually swallowed
this man's neck!
|Frank Williams 6'3 212 G
||Remember when this guy was actually good? Me neither.
|Keith Bogans 6'5 215 G
||Going from best high school player to mediocre college
player is a hell of a fall, isn't it Keith?
|Andrew DeClercq 6'10 255 C
||Does this guy ever stop fouling you? Ever? When his
mother goes to kiss him good-bye does he hack her on the wrists too?
|Derrick Dial 6'4 184 G
||Dial it up! Another release for you, Derrick!
|Alton Ford 6'9 280 F
||Back to Europe we go.
|Reece Gaines 6'6 205 G
||Note to Doc Rivers: He's not a point guard. Oh, and
you're a shitty coach. Sincerely, the world
|Pat Garrity 6'9 238 F
||You're killing your team, Pat. Next year, just pretend
it's NOT the playoffs, ok?
|Gordan Giricek 6'6 210 G/F
|Drew Gooden 6'10 230 F
||Your headband looks stupid on your skinny head. You're
also turning into a little Kenyon Martin. Stop it.
|Donnell Harvey 6'8 220 F
||His hands are bigger than pumpkins. Pumpkins have a
better offensive game, too.
|Grant Hill 6'8 225 F
||This is the year he comes back
|Juwan Howard 6'9 260 F
||Orlando's supposed savior is a guy who can't handle
the pressure of a big payday. Things that make you go hmmmmmmm.
|Steven Hunter 7'0 220 F/C
||I know monkeys that turn the ball over less than he
|Britton Johnsen 6'10 210 F
|| "HEY GUYS I DUNKED ON LEBRON JAMES CAN I PLAY
|Tyronn Lue 6'0 178 G
||Second-stringer at best is Orlando's starting point
guard. Oh, OK.
|Tracy McGrady 6'8 210 G/F
||Did he take a nap during Game 7 last year too?
|Zaur Pachulia 6'11 240 F/C
||Orlando doesn't scout players in Europe at all and then
they draft him. Yeah, that's promising, isn't it?
|Jeryl Sasser 6'6 200 G
||Does anyone in the league have an uglier jump shot this
side of Bo Outlaw?
|Shammond Williams 6'1 201 G
||He was actually Denver's main perimeter threat last
year. This year, he might not make Orlando's roster. Denver kinda
|Greg Buckner 6'4 210 G
||Why do teams keep signing him? Especially at 6 years
and $18 million.
|Sam Clancy 6'7 240 F
||6'7 is undersized even for a PF in the east, Sam. Good
|Derrick Coleman 6'10 270 F/C
||Did you know he used to be a #1 overall pick? Yeah,
I had to double-check that little nugget of info too.
|Samuel Dalembert 6'11 250 C
||It's too bad Samuel doesn't come out of nowhere to block
shots as often as he comes out of nowhere during draft day.
|Willie Green 6'4 200 G
|Allen Iverson 6'0 165 G
||All those jump shots take a toll on your elbow, hence
the annual summer elbow surgeries.
|Marc Jackson 6'10 270 F/C
||Word has it he still plays basketball.
|Kyle Korver 6'7 210 F
||He looks like he belongs in American Pie or something.
|Todd MacCulloch 7'0 280 C
||MacCulloch MacCulloch MacCulloch MacCulloch MacCulloch
|Amal McCaskill 6'11 245 F/C
|| How many more teams are you going to try, Amal? You
|Aaron McKie 6'5 209 G/F
||What kind of injury do you have planned this year, Aaron?
|Jeff Myers 6'3 188 G
||What the hell? Who let this guy in?
|Glenn Robinson 6'7 230 F
||Anyone want to place bets on how long before
Robinson and Iverson get in a fist fight over the ball?
|John Salmons 6'7 210 G
||Has this guy ever made a smart play?
|Eric Snow 6'3 204 G
||The only point guard in the league that can't shoot
beyond 15 feet.
|Kenny Thomas 6'7 245 F
||Wait a second
$50 million for a Houston Rockets
|Monty Williams 6'8 225 F
||The only small forward in the league that does not posses
a jump shot at all.
|Gilbert Arenas 6'3 191 G
||Does anyone else act like a bigger baby while he's playing?
|Steve Blake 6'3 172 G
||How did Ollie from Hoosiers make an NBA team?
|Kwame Brown 6'11 240 F/C
||Does his face break out when you ask anything of him?
Does he actually grow a new zit when the coach calls a play for him
in the post?
|Mitchell Butler 6'5 210 G
||Always a nice player to have on your injured list.
|Juan Dixon 6'3 164 G
||DJ Qualls has more on him than this guy. Hell, he might
be able to run an offense better too.
|Steve Goodrich 6'10 220 F
||Rik Smits' feet have a better chance at making this
|Adam Harrington 6'5 200 G
||Word has it he played for the Dallas Mavericks. He must
have a lot of experience holding a clipboard
|Jarvis Hayes 6'7 220 G/F
||He might turn out to be a good player had Washington
not drafted him.
|Brendan Haywood 7'0 268 C
||He's the only player more immobile than Mutombo while
being 50 years younger than him. How does that happen?
|Larry Hughes 6'5 184 G
||This is his 3rd annual breakout season. It might actually
happen one day when coaches figure out that he's not a point guard
but that isn't happening anytime soon.
|Jared Jeffries 6'11 230 F
||A 6'11 "small" forward? Oh, yeah OK Washington.
|Christian Laettner 6'11 245 F
||If only he could play in college forever.
|Kenny Satterfield 6'2 170 G
||I bet he wishes he stayed at Cincinnati a little longer.
|Jerry Stackhouse 6'6 218 G/F
||It's amazing. His biggest knock has been that he can't
shoot straight and he's ignored it for about 8 years in a row now.
Maybe he just needs elbow surgery too.
|Etan Thomas 6'9 256 F/C
||I'll let you in on a little secret, Washington. If you're
6'9, you're not a center. So stop drafting 6'9 centers, OK?
|Jahidi White 6'9 290 F/C
||He eats small point guards and then sits out for the
|Chris Whitney 6'0 175 G
||He'll make shots as long as they don't mean anything.
Put this guy in any kind of small and minute pressure situation and
he looks like a 4th grader out there.