Look At My Damn Eyebrows!
By: Skip Bayless





Did you see what I did there? I made a very bold statement. What I like to do is make very broad statements that might shock and appall you. Are you shocked? Good, that’s what I was aiming for. Faggot! See? I did it again! I got your attention, didn’t I?

While covering the sporting world’s asshole, the California bay area, I have discovered a thing or two. One, nobody gives a shit about the Warriors. Why do I continue to cover them? Well, I don’t really. In fact, I have no idea who have of those guys are. I went about a month before finally figuring out that Mike Dunleavy wasn’t their coach but was a player! What kind of nonsense is that? And he stinks on top of that.

Another thing I learned is that everyone loves a good Barry Bonds story. I can just sit here and tell you about how he’s on horse pills and you guys will eat it up. What I like to do is talk about Bonds for a little while and then wander off into other interesting subjects, such as Madonna’s vagina. I bet she has pretty big pee flaps. I don’t know for sure but it’s a hunch that I have. Sure, I can sit here and tell you all about Bonds and his extreme disregard for his body and the rules but you’ve heard that a million times. Don’t you want to hear a tiny old sports reporter talk about a pop star’s labia? Seems like an easy choice to me.

"Madonna's vagina is deep; just like Adonal Foyle's political commentary!"

Maybe you wanted to hear about the 49ers? I don’t even know how many games they’ve won this year honestly. Who gives a shit? I have a better topic to discuss on SportsCenter anyway:

What are these steroids doing to Barry Bonds’ penis?

Has anyone discussed this? This is a very bold topic and I am just the right sports journalist to tackle such a controversial topic? Who would dare attempt to discuss such a subject? Only I, Skip Bayless! And when I say the word ‘penis’ I like to do this thing with my eyebrows. I do it because I have a very high opinion of myself. I may merely be a sports journalist but I like to think of myself as something more; like a cultural icon. I’m on SportsCenter a lot so I like to do and say various things that you will remember. Will you remember another dumb story on steroids or the fact that I was a big enough man to cross the subject of Barry Bonds’ dick?

"Here we see Michael Jordan pretending the Madison Square Garden basketball court is Karla Knafel."


It’s true! Well, it might not be, but that’s not stopping me from trying to talk about it on your radio show. You brought me onto your show to discuss steroids AGAIN and I got tired of it. I don’t have time for this crap. I have things to talk about. I have topics written on a napkin from a very fancy restaurant. I had a dream where I played basketball for the New York Knicks and my legs fell off mid-dribble. We need to discuss this and your radio show is the perfect forum.

SportsCenter called again and they want me to do another segment with Stephen A. Smith. I really don’t like this segment because I cannot delve into issues with our society, such as Whoopi Goldberg and my theory on why she’s probably still a virgin. Who would fuck that hag? And did you know that it’s a felony to have sex with a dead animal? It’s a victimless crime! It may be a little gross but it shouldn’t be a felony! Once something dies I think it should be fair game. If you want to have sex with a dead animal then that’s your business. The animal doesn’t know any better so who cares? You see, readers, these are the things that I need to discuss on your sports radio show in the morning but you won’t let me.

What’s wrong with Tara Reid’s nipples? Are my eyebrows made of an alien chemical that you can only find by digging into Dick Vitale’s skull with a hatchet? Do you think Joe DiMaggio fucked Marilyn Monroe in the ass? If not, can someone dig her up and do it? I have this thing with Marilyn and her ass. In those days nobody ever focused on the ass. It’s a travesty if you ask me. I’d definitely have sex with Serena Williams. There should be scientific studies done on an ass like that. I’m furring up my eyebrows right now. I know you can’t see it but trust me. This is eyebrow-furring material right here. OK, just imagine it. I said the Serena thing just and now I’m doing my eyebrow thing? Can you see it? Man, that’s gold.

Anyway, my point here is that I want to be more than a sports journalist. I want to shock you. I want you to jump out of your little sports bubble. I want you to realize that Hoosiers was an overrated movie and that Sam Cassell dug a hole into Michael Olowokandi’s forehead and laid an egg for his alien offspring to grow and flourish. Things like this should shock you and I’m the guy to do it.

"To invade Dick Vitale's skull you must recite the Koran 3 times and have at least 1 care bear present."

Stephen A. Smith is a faggot.