I Used To Be Really Good!
By: Boston forward Vin Baker
"Get out of my way Mr. Uglyface! I gotta score one
Honestly, I used to be a really good player. Did you know that I used
to play for Milwaukee? It's true! And back then, I used to average 20
points and 10 rebounds! I know, right now you're probably thinking "shut
the fuck up Vin, you suck worse than my kid brother with the Down's syndrome."
Well first of all, don't tell me to shut the fuck up. Second of all, I
did used to be that good, scouts honor! In fact, let me show you my stats:
||93-94 Mil 13.5 pts 7.6 rebs 50% FG%
This was my rookie year and I didn't win the Rookie of the Year award
for some reason. It probably had to do with Chris Webber being a rookie
that year too, but I don't know. He does possess an inordinate amount
of talent and runs circles around my underachieving self, but I still
think I deserved the award.
||94-95 Mil 17.7 pts 10.3 rebs 48% FG%
This would be my first all-star year and, as you can see, I was pretty
darn good! I know a few teams that would take 18 and 10 every night,
||95-96 Mil 21.1 pts 9.8 rebs 49% FG%
This year I took my scoring privileges and took them to new heights!
I reached the all-star game for the second straight year and I was
a young talent on the rise!
||96-97 Mil 21.0 pts 10.3 rebs 50% FG%
For a third straight year, Vin Baker and all-star connected! I boosted
my rebounding numbers, and for the 51st straight year my team did
not make the playoffs. That was a pure coincidence, by the way.
||97-98 Sea 19.2 pts 8.0 rebs 54% FG%
I was traded to Seattle for Shawn Kemp and I kept my torrid pace of
all-star appearances up! My rebounding numbers went down a bit, but
it was nothing to worry about!
||98-99 Sea 13.8 pts 6.7 rebs 45% FG%
Well, this is about the point where I started to get really depressed
a lot. I had a lot of things going on, with Sensei Kiroshi dying and
me having to fly to Korea to avenge his death in a 2-hour epic battle.
Also, my child was kidnapped and I had to team up with Steven Segal
to find the killer who had a scar across his face and refused to smile
at strangers. It was a tough road, but it was a learning experience.
||99-00 Sea 16.6 pts 7.7 rebs 46% FG%
My stats came back up a bit and I started to gain a bit of confidence
after the horrible year I had. Gary Payton stopped calling me a lardass
and stopped calling me the black Danny Ferry long enough for me to
get my game back on track. No all-star appearance, but that's OK.
||00-01 Sea 12.2 pts 5.7 rebs 42% FG%
This is the year that I actually shot myself and my corpse just kind
of fell at midcourt and Payton didn't really notice. I still think
12 points a game for a corpse is pretty good. Gary went back to calling
me the next Derrick Coleman and wouldn't stop sleeping with my wife.
He can be as asshole sometimes, but he was just trying to be a good
||01-02 Sea 14.1 pts 6.4 rebs 49% FG%
My numbers went back up slightly, but that was because I only played
55 games. People think it was because I was injured. I had to wash
all of the graffiti that was on the outside of my home and I had to
miss a few games here and there. Other times I just didn't feel like
getting out of bed. And a few other times, I just didn't want to get
off the ledge long enough to play another day of disappointing basketball
||02-03 Bos 5.6 pts 4.1 rebs 48% FG%
The season isn't over yet my friends! Stay tuned!
I'm not a bad guy or anything either. I fear God, I brush my teeth most
every day, I wear briefs not boxers, and I have an unquenchable taste
for Picasso art! Sometimes I play like I used to play, but most of the
time I feel I shouldn't because then it will always be expected of me.
That's a lot of pressure! Unneeded pressure at that! Why should I have
to go out there and pound underneath the basket with the likes of Vladimir
Stephania and Christian Laettner? Those guys can bruise you! I have a
life outside of basketball, unlike most of these behemoths. I plan on
becoming an architect and building a shopping mall (and please, save the
"are you going to build that mall with all those bricks you're laying?"