I Used To Be Really Good!
By: Boston forward Vin Baker

"Get out of my way Mr. Uglyface! I gotta score one for complacency!"

Honestly, I used to be a really good player. Did you know that I used to play for Milwaukee? It's true! And back then, I used to average 20 points and 10 rebounds! I know, right now you're probably thinking "shut the fuck up Vin, you suck worse than my kid brother with the Down's syndrome." Well first of all, don't tell me to shut the fuck up. Second of all, I did used to be that good, scouts honor! In fact, let me show you my stats:

93-94 Mil 13.5 pts 7.6 rebs 50% FG% This was my rookie year and I didn't win the Rookie of the Year award for some reason. It probably had to do with Chris Webber being a rookie that year too, but I don't know. He does possess an inordinate amount of talent and runs circles around my underachieving self, but I still think I deserved the award.

94-95 Mil 17.7 pts 10.3 rebs 48% FG% This would be my first all-star year and, as you can see, I was pretty darn good! I know a few teams that would take 18 and 10 every night, don't you?

95-96 Mil 21.1 pts 9.8 rebs 49% FG% This year I took my scoring privileges and took them to new heights! I reached the all-star game for the second straight year and I was a young talent on the rise!

96-97 Mil 21.0 pts 10.3 rebs 50% FG% For a third straight year, Vin Baker and all-star connected! I boosted my rebounding numbers, and for the 51st straight year my team did not make the playoffs. That was a pure coincidence, by the way.

97-98 Sea 19.2 pts 8.0 rebs 54% FG% I was traded to Seattle for Shawn Kemp and I kept my torrid pace of all-star appearances up! My rebounding numbers went down a bit, but it was nothing to worry about!

98-99 Sea 13.8 pts 6.7 rebs 45% FG% Well, this is about the point where I started to get really depressed a lot. I had a lot of things going on, with Sensei Kiroshi dying and me having to fly to Korea to avenge his death in a 2-hour epic battle. Also, my child was kidnapped and I had to team up with Steven Segal to find the killer who had a scar across his face and refused to smile at strangers. It was a tough road, but it was a learning experience.

99-00 Sea 16.6 pts 7.7 rebs 46% FG% My stats came back up a bit and I started to gain a bit of confidence after the horrible year I had. Gary Payton stopped calling me a lardass and stopped calling me the black Danny Ferry long enough for me to get my game back on track. No all-star appearance, but that's OK.

00-01 Sea 12.2 pts 5.7 rebs 42% FG% This is the year that I actually shot myself and my corpse just kind of fell at midcourt and Payton didn't really notice. I still think 12 points a game for a corpse is pretty good. Gary went back to calling me the next Derrick Coleman and wouldn't stop sleeping with my wife. He can be as asshole sometimes, but he was just trying to be a good leader.

01-02 Sea 14.1 pts 6.4 rebs 49% FG% My numbers went back up slightly, but that was because I only played 55 games. People think it was because I was injured. I had to wash all of the graffiti that was on the outside of my home and I had to miss a few games here and there. Other times I just didn't feel like getting out of bed. And a few other times, I just didn't want to get off the ledge long enough to play another day of disappointing basketball for Seattle.

02-03 Bos 5.6 pts 4.1 rebs 48% FG% The season isn't over yet my friends! Stay tuned!

I'm not a bad guy or anything either. I fear God, I brush my teeth most every day, I wear briefs not boxers, and I have an unquenchable taste for Picasso art! Sometimes I play like I used to play, but most of the time I feel I shouldn't because then it will always be expected of me. That's a lot of pressure! Unneeded pressure at that! Why should I have to go out there and pound underneath the basket with the likes of Vladimir Stephania and Christian Laettner? Those guys can bruise you! I have a life outside of basketball, unlike most of these behemoths. I plan on becoming an architect and building a shopping mall (and please, save the "are you going to build that mall with all those bricks you're laying?" Grow up).